300

Here is the the second half of my 300th Post Extravaganza. Today, it's all about the ladies representin' and asking questions of me...

First up is Pamela from The Dayton Time. She and I first crossed paths over soap nuts. I kid you not. She quickly became one of my favorites. Pamela and her husband The Mister are making a run to be the next Jon and Heather Armstrong.

Pamela’s Question: I would like to know if you, yourself, have ever fried sausage in bacon grease?

My Answer: Honestly, reading this question, let alone envisioning the prospect, made me dry heave a little bit and caused my cholesterol to shoot through the roof. This also sounds dangerous. All I'm sayin' is I hope Pamela and The Mister were fully clothed when they attempted this culinary feat. I mean, think of the splatter in unfortunate places people.Tracy of Kaply, Inc. and I go back well over three years. She’s sarcastic, feisty and awesome all wrapped up in one hot package. She describes herself as witty, humorous and almost creepy. Honey, I couldn't agree more.

Tracy’s Question: What or who was it that made you start blogging? Did you read others before you began writing?

My Answer: Like everyone else, I set out to be a blogger because I heard it would clear up my skin and bring me instant fame and fortune. Sadly, only one of those things has happened since I began writing on the internet. I had no idea that I would find such a wonderful network of people whom I consider close friends even though some of us have never met face to face. Too bad, you should really see my skin up close. It’s soft and supple now, or as Henry calls it, “squishy”.

Jen of Blissfully Caffeinated and I found each other four years ago. She has given me friendship, joy, coupons and some questionable birthday greetings over that time period. If you ask her what I’ve given her, I’m sure she’d tell you that I’ve given her a complex and an unsightly rash.

Jen’s Question: Can I be your sister wife? Also? From one curly headed gal to another, what hair product/routine do you use to tame that mane? How did you and Jeremy meet?

My Answer: Phew! Jen sure is curious isn’t she? Well, I am always searching out additional sister wife. So, welcome aboard. Girlfriend, I look forward to braiding your hair after our delicious casserole dinner.

As for my hair? It’s simple. Minimal shampoos, maximum leave-in conditioners and I love, love my diffuser. I use an old jersey t-shirt to towel dry my hair so as to not break the natural curl pattern and I pray every night before bed to the picture I have of Diana Ross, the Patron Saint of Curly Hair, to have a good hair day the next day.

And as for how Jeremy and I met? Well, like most couples, we met at work when he caught me making multiple copies of Diana Ross’ picture on the office copier. In order to distract him, I asked him on a date to Lagoon (a local amusement park). He said Maybe. I laughed and said, No really, what time are we going? We ended up hitting it off and kept our “romance” a secret from everyone but a few people in management. When we mailed out our wedding announcements, I kid you not, most people at work thought it was a joke. They couldn’t understand what a quiet, intelligent guy like Jeremy was doing with a quirky, frizzy chick like me.

We had a massive turn out at our wedding from the office folks. I think they came just to see if Jeremy would actually go through with it.

Thank you to everyone who participated in my questions and thank you for reading me. It means more to me than you know.

299

Today marks my 299th post. Not very impressive if you count the fact that I've been blogging for 4 years. I wish I could say it's all about quality, not quantity, but who am I kidding? You've read my stuff. It's not quality.

I decided to call upon my oldest bloggy friends, the ones I first met on the interweb and asked them to help a sister out. I asked each blogger to send me a question, any question, and I would answer it on site to commemorate my 300th post milestone. As is typical, my responses are a bit wordy, so I've divided this post into two portions. The sacred 300 will be up later in the week.

1. The first question comes from one of my dearest friends, Captain Dumbass of Us and Them. He is the third blogger I ever commented on. The first person ignored me. The second person ignored me WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE. (I still haven’t gotten over that one.) But the Captain? He replied right back and the rest is history.

Captain’s Question: Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Osmond family?

My Answer: All Utahans can either trace their lineage directly to an Osmond or they become what is known as a “Naturalized Osmond”. This event happens unknowingly when you cross the county line into Utah County, childhood home of Donny and Marie.

Of course, if you can directly trace your lineage to either side of the Osmond family (you’re either a little bit country or a little bit rock-n-roll), you are considered sort of pseudo royalty here in the land of Zion.

2. The amazing Kat of 3 Bedroom Bungalow was my first girl bloggy friend. I may have loved her too hard because she found it necessary to pick up her family and move across the pond to a foreign country to get away from me. Le Sigh.

Kat’s Question: What are the best and worst parts about living in Utah?

My Answer: I would say the worst part is the fact that it is still not legal to own a monkey or even transport a monkey in the state of Utah. But I hear the State Legislature is going to debate this soon in an upcoming joint session so, let’s hear it for the primates, people.

The best part of about living in Utah would have to be what I call the “3 Ms”; Mommy Bloggers, Mountains and, *fingers crossed*, one day, Monkeys.

3. During our first email correspondence, Jen Cohen, aka, Sprite’s Keeper, told me she didn’t think there was enough room for two Jen’s on the internet. In reality, she is the sweetest person out there.

Jen’s Question: If you had to give up one part of your body, appendage, organ, whatever, be creative! what would it be and how would you get along without it?

My Answer: I don’t think I could voluntarily give up any body part. I’ve got 20 pounds I’m looking to lose, but you can’t give those things away. Believe me, I’ve tried.

4. I found Jen Pompi of Oscarelli while stalking a very windy blog (you know the one). Her avatar picture and her witty comments over there caught my eye. I just had to be friends with her.

Oscarelli’s Question: What is the one thing that Steenky readers don't know about you that would surprise them?

My Answer: Remember my whole “I can’t dance very well” post where I graphically showed you that I couldn’t dance?

Well, that’s only partly true. Oh, I have the worse white girl overbite when I shake my money maker in da club, but I was actually quite an accomplished trained dancer in my younger years. I was involved ballet, jazz, tap, and gymnastics ages 4 thru 22. I competed in several national dance championships both individually and as part of a team. (My mom has a trophy wall!) After I finished my "dancing career", I went on to harshly judge both team and individual dance competitions. I hoped that my career as a judge would land me lucrative endorsements, or at the very least bribery money from desperate stage moms, but all I received was minimal compensation and the realization that when someone works gun fingers into a routine I will give you extra points every time.

So jazz hands? Yeah, I got wicked jazz hands.

Questions 5, 6 and 7 will be up later in the week. Thanks for tuning in even though I've been out for a little bit!

Tweens: A Study

First of all, I want to give a shout-out to everyone out there who sent positive words and voted for me over at Sego Lily Day Spa where they are searching for their official blogger. I was stunned and completely humbled at the outpouring of support from all of you! I tried to personally thank as many of you as I could, but for some reason, the spa’s site wouldn’t reveal all the posted comments. If I missed you, it is not by design, it’s because I was unable to see the complete comment archives on Sego Lily’s site. Thank you!!

Now, today I’m posting, albeit a little late, as part of the Beautiful Like Me series hosted at one of my favorite sites, The Life and Times of a Wicked Stepmom. The current topic up for debate is: What do today’s children and teens feel pressured to imitate? Why?

Now, if you want to read an honest, soulful search into this topic, be sure and visit Wicked Stepmom's post or the series co-developers, Shout! Daily (Hi, Tricia!) and Five Flower Mom. If you want to read a totally biased account of my observations of frenzied tweens at a Zac Efron movie premier two weeks ago, well then, you’ve come to the right place.

Appearance of a Tween Girl:
It’s a forgone conclusion that most tween girls pride themselves on their appearance. They are highly groomed and will go to extreme lengths to gain the approval of their peers through choice of hairstyle and/or clothing. However, it seems critical in tween girl culture that they appear uninterested, almost aloof in gaining said favor with their peers.

I know this to be true because I witnessed one tween girl (Girl 1) in the rest room wearing a Miley Cyrus “I Rock This Joint” tee parked in front of the mirror fussing with her hair -- putting it in a ponytail, taking it down and then back up in an even higher ponytail. Moments later, I found myself, once again, standing next to Girl 1 in the concession line. Her friend, Girl 2, who looked identical to Girl 1, same shirt, same hair, same leggings, commented on how awesome Girl 1’s hair looked in a ponytail to which Girl 1 replied, “Whatever, I just totally rolled out of bed with it this way.” Well played, Girl 1. Or well played, Girl 2. Actually, I wasn’t really sure because at this point Girl 3 joined the group and she looked just like the other two.

Social Habits of a Tween Girl:
As I hinted at earlier, it is no mistake that tween girls traveling together look exactly alike. It has been long believed that tweens’ similarities were the calculated result of clever marketing campaigns devised in concert by clothing labels, MTV and the Disney Corporation. However, recent studies have shown that tweens, both male and female, use these similarities as a defense mechanism to ward off well-meaning individuals over the age of 30 from approaching them in a public setting.

These groups of tweens, specifically tween girls, are commonly referred to as “clans”. They are easily identifiable by their highly groomed hair, low-waist jeans and their incessant chatter accompanied by flailing hand movements. (It is almost impossible for a tween girl to speak without using her hands or prefacing a sentence with, “Oh my gosh!”).

Come to think of it, it’s nearly impossible for me to communicate without doing those things too.

If you come upon a tween clan, it is best to step aside and let the group pass you. I noted at the movie theater, each clan has it’s own speed and whether it moved at a snails pace or tore through the theater halls faster than Tara Reid’s career, whatever you do, don’t get mixed up in this living breathing, heavily accessorized organism. Girls at this age are drawn to shiny objects and will be wearing loads of metal or bedazzled jewelry. It only takes one rookie move and next thing you know, you find yourself smack in the middle of a clan where getting an accidental shanking from a dangly earring is considered getting off easy.

I made the mistake of infiltrating a clan, splitting them right up the middle, as I lunged for the butter dispenser at the snack bar. No skinny 7th grader is going to keep me and the liquid butter apart. Can I get a witness? Long story short, the whole ordeal was so traumatic for me that all I remember is the horrified looks on those young girl’s faces, the shrieking (on my part) and the sudden urge to get myself to the nearest Hot Topic, stat.

Unless you are somehow related to a tween girl, it will only be on the rarest of occasions that you find yourself alone with a tween girl who has become separated from her clan. Don’t panic. A tween girl removed from other tweens is relatively harmless and should not be considered hostile. However, since tweens find comfort in numbers, should you approach her, do so with extreme caution. Without her clan, she will most likely be jumpy and easily startled. You’re more likely to elicit a response from her if you drop the following key phrases into your conversation:

“Isn’t Edward dreamy?”
“Are you on Facebook?”
“Do you want to go to the mall later?”

Warning: Only use these phrases if you are a female trying to start up a conversation with a tween GIRL. I cannot stress this enough, ANY OTHER COMBINATION, (i.e. adult male to tween boy, adult male to tween girl, adult female to tween boy) IS CREEPY AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS.

Language of a Tween Girl:
Tween girl speak is a complex and can range from a series of high-pitched squeals to muffled whispers and giggles. Often times, tween girls prefer to talk at the exact same time to each other in a rapid-fire tempo. You may not understand what they’re talking about, but make no mistake, they do. If you listen closely, however, you can extract key words or phrases such as, “Nick Jonas” or “Zac Efron” or “weird lady with curly hair eavesdropping on us”.

If you’re lucky enough to have pulled out one or more of these words, what ever you do, DO NOT attempt to use these in a conversation with the tween. These tweens are professionals. They will only see you as an uncool adult, or again, “a weird lady with curly hair eavesdropping on us”. If you are over 30, you most likely won’t know how to use these terms correctly no matter how many episodes of iCarly you’ve watched. Trust me, one of two things will happen if you attempt to make verbal contact at tween-speak pace before you are ready; 1) You’ll use the term incorrectly, or 2 ) You will sprain your tongue. Either way, you will fail miserably in the tween girls’ eyes.

Not that I would know or anything. Pft.

Testosterone in the House!!! (With a Shot of Estrogen)

What am I doing posting two days in a row? Surely I’ve confused all you by posting twice in the same month, but stick with me, folks, I’ve got something to say. Well, actually, my husband has something to say. You see, today, I’m participating in Tattooed Minivan Mom’s bring your husband to your blog day. It's a day set aside every so often where we let our spouses run rampant all over our sites as they post every kernel of wit and wisdom they have in the hopes that it classes up our joint a bit.

I had Jeremy all primed and ready to lay his best stuff on me (writing-wise, of course) when he suddenly remembered he had a huge deadline at work to tend to. Apparently he has a huge bid set going out this afternoon for an architecty project he’s working on. He had to pull an all-nighter and didn’t come home until 3:00 am.

As an aside, to all my architecty friends out there, this includes you, Carolyn Online and Irish Gumbo, is it odd that when Jeremy returned from his all-nighter that he had glitter all over his person and he smelled of cigarette smoke? Is that normal?

Jeremy insists that architects are now using a new glitter-based ink on their drawings to make them “snazzier” for clients. He has no explanation for the stale smoke smell or the receipt I found in his pants to somewhere called Southern Exposure. You guys don’t think I should be nervous do you?

So instead of Jeremy penning his own post, I did what any dutiful wife would do whilst her husband is out bringing home the bacon, I wrote one for him. I took the liberty of guessing what topics he would want to share with all of you.

Here goes…

1. His Gun Lust: Jeremy desperately wants a Gun Werks Custom 7mm. If you have enough money to buy one of these suckers at a cool $5995 (plus shipping & handling) it will be sighted in at 1000 yards out of the box. I’m sure most of the men out there are drooling at this news, but ladies, are you with me when I say, who needs a gun sighted in at such a distance? And what’s with the shipping and handling charges? I mean, come on, you’re already shelling out six grand for a gun, why do you need to pay extra for shipping and handling? I told Jeremy I would be all for it if it weren’t for the extra charges. I then suggested he should look for something a little more practical or in our price range, you know, like a Nerf Super Soaker for $29.95. No shipping and handling.

Ooooh. So close, honey.

2. His Sports Obsession: The other day Jeremy and I are watching Sports Center. (That’s right fellas, Steenky loves her some Sports Center.) We were cuddled up watching a story about Terrell Owens being dumped by the Cowboys for being too difficult and too expensive to handle. (Sorry for your precious Cowboys, Stiletto Mom) It turns out T.O. was quickly nabbed by the Buffalo Bills for $6.5 million on a short-term contract.

Jeremy to me: Man, I wish I were 6’4”-240 lbs, ran a 4.0 split and were a giant pain in the ass.

Me to Jeremy: Well, one out of three isn’t so bad.

Me to myself: Boo-ya!

3. His Smokin’ Hot Wife: Okay, so if Jeremy were posting here at Steenky Bee today I’m sure he would tell you that every day he wakes up he feels like he’s just won the lottery because he sees me lying next to him. Yep, folks, it just doesn’t get better than my nappy, untamed bed head and mascara streaked face staring at him at 5:00 in the morning. Sometimes I’ve rolled over and nearly pushed him out of bed because I’m using his warmth (not to mention his pillow and his share of the blankets) to keep me comfy. Most days I’ve got my glistening face pressed up against his, my funky morning breath gently grazing (assaulting) him. You can imagine how difficult it is for him to rip himself away from me and my hotness to work that all-nighter, huh?

*This just in: Jeremy just told me that Southern Exposure is the name of the local printing company our firm uses for large-scale projects such as his. He then said that we should stop talking about it and never bring it up again. Ever. Especially to any of our co-workers. Phew! I knew I had no reason to worry. ☺
**I feel compelled to disclose that Jeremy has never actually been inside one of those Southern Exposure establishments.
***I wish the same could be said for me. But that story is for another day, and another post all together.

Fattie Update: A Time of Reflection

First off, I want to thank everyone for their kind emails last week and throughout the weekend regarding my last post. I was to assure you that I'm doing well and that situation really did spark a pivotal change things in my life for the better. I even have a few amusing stories that came from that experience that I'll have to share with you all some time. Thanks again, everyone. Your words were so kind and meant so much to me.

Now, on to other things.

So, I might not have a HASAY update every week, but you should know that I’m definitely doing the work. I’m huffin’, I’m puffin’ as I’m running…toward the box of brownies in the pantry.

Not really. I’ve actually been pretty good about things as of late. But I thought it important to revisit my fitness goals to make sure I was still on track for my fitness miracle by summer. I went back and re-read this post here where I initially laid out my fitness plan for the HASAY Challenge. I found a few things quite odd. First, in that post, I talked about skanks an awful lot. I also copped to stalking the HASAY founder, and my dear friend Casey with a dead rat. Wow, I used to be really creepy. I’m much better now. I’d never use a rat (dead or alive) as means to get closer to someone. As my mom always says, you can attract more flies with honey not dead rodents. Wait. That doesn't sound right now does it? If anything, it would sixes right? I might give that one a try.

Anyway, please bear with me while I reminisce over my HASAY fitness goals:

Motivation:
Then: Motivated by food, pretty things, shiny things or when people call me names.
Now: Same with the exception of a few things. I now much prefer sparkly things as opposed to shiny things.

Long-term Goal:
Then: To get fit enough to get whistled at when I walk by our local construction site.
Now: The construction on the fire station near our house has already wrapped up. I guess my motivation now would be to have the firemen that hang about the fire station whistle at me.

Long-term Weight Loss Goals:
Then: I refused to state how many pounds or inches I wanted to lose because I was concerned about alienating bloggy friends that follow the “soft metric” system. I then went on to say how I thought that Hard Metric would be an awesome band name.
Now: I still think Hard Metric would be an awesome band name.

Tools Available To Me:
Then: A dusty treadmill, an even dustier elliptical trainer, and a weight machine in the garage. For some reason, I also thought I had dead cats that I could swing about the house. Maybe I was thinking that would give me shoulder definition? Who knows?
Now: My treadmill has been used….some. I think we still have the elliptical trainer. And I’m happy to report that progress has been made on the weight machine in the garage. A month ago Jeremy disassembled it to make room to store an armoire in the garage.

How Often Can I Exercise:
Then: I claimed I would exercise five times a week, but admitted that I would most likely only work out three times a week.
Now: I’m happy to say that I exercise six times a week! But you should know, that I actually only get around to it four times a week. I’ve been jogging our outside trail (picking up stray cats as nap companions) and doing Pilates in our basement. Wait, Pilates is when you fall asleep on the couch in an uncomfortable position and wake up two hours later really, really sore right?

What Do I Plan On Doing:
Then: I vowed to stop eating BLT sandwiches every day. I also thought it would be a good idea to bring a lunch to work in the hopes that a co-worker would steal it from the fridge, thus forcing me to not eat any calories at all.
Now: No more BLTs and I’m happy to report that my lunch has indeed been stolen at work twice. I wound up eating a bunch of junk food those two days, but no one can say that I didn’t reach my goal of lunch theft.

I’ve made it a habit of eating more whole foods, not snacking and have almost cut back entirely of sugary snacks. I also now write my boss's initials on my lunches at work when storing them in the company fridge. Nobody's going to steal his left overs.

What Has Worked For Me In The Past?
Then: I thought if I constantly cruised by high school football practices like I did fifteen years ago that maybe I’d lose weight and get down to the size I was in high school. I also thought about contracting pneumonia I could drop some weight as well.
Now: Well, as good as an idea as it sounded at the time, I’ve decided to not stalk high school boys. Besides, I’ve now got a fire station just one block away, remember? Our family came down with the stomach flu a while ago. I didn't lsoe any weight but I did end up with someone else’s vomit in my hair.

Conclusion:
Well, it looks like I’m still on track for a mediocre change in my body and overall general health. Let this be a lesson for all the kids out there: If you only aim for the middle, and you fall short of your goal, failing won’t hurt nearly as bad. Hey, I’m going to make that into a T-shirt. I’ll wear it when I’m working out. That way, my out of shape body will need no explanation. Awesome.