January 28, 2010

Jersey Can be a State of Mind Too

It’s 11:00 at night on Christmas Eve and I’m downstairs in our basement all alone. I’ve told my husband I’m wrapping a few last minute gifts for the kids but really I’m sprawled out on top of the wrapping paper, positioned on my stomach, head resting on folded arms, legs kicking the sofa behind me, staring up at the television and oblivious to the world around me.


Three words.

The. Jersey. Shore.

That night I discovered exactly what a Snookie "Poof" was. That’s the night I saw The Situation for the very first time. That’s the night my world was changed for the better.

When I saw those eight orange twenty-somethings fist pumping around the boardwalk and treating the Garden State like their own personal Caligula, I snapped out of my eight month long funk devoid of emotion. I kid you not.

I thought to myself, Self, if this spectacle is out there, who knows what other awesomeness exists? And, Self, get up, wipe the chocolate santa stains off your festive sweats (they were red!) and explore all that you have been missing!

But instead of jumping up and seizing my new found excitement immediately, I thought it best to roll over on my side just far enough to grab another piece of candy and hunker down to watch myself a Jersey Shore marathon. It's always important to pace yourselves with life changing moments.

The next morning, Christmas day, after the presents were all opened, long after our company had arrived, I found myself trying to work The Jersey Shore kids into conversations with my family. Sadly, no one would join in (willingly). Actually, no one knew who the hell I was talking about. I kept shouting We’ve got ourselves a situation here! while making breakfast upstairs. My poor mom, hearing my squawking would run up two flights to see what I had set on fire. Eventually she became too tired to traipse up and down the stairs so she resigned to sit herself at my kitchen table and pretend to read the waffle iron manual with great interest so she didn’t have to engage me in any way when I went over, in great detail, my plot for a second reality show for Snookie titled Snookin' for Love.

Was it divine inspiration that led me to The Jersey Shore marathon? No. Was it a lack of current programming on the part of MTV? I think so. Whatever it was, it was kismet-ish enough for me to finally see it was time for me to stop throwing myself pity parties (which were all the rage in my head - with my house DJ and killer mini sausage hors d’oeuvres and all) and start concentrating on witty things to say to The Situation when I eventually see him at a mall opening ten years from now somewhere in upstate New York because we all know that’s where these kids are going to end up eventually.

So far, all I’ve come up with is, “It looks like this Situation has been downgraded to a Predicament.”

This post was thrown up here today as participation in the ever so lovely Sprite’s Keeper and her Spin Cycle. If you aren’t part of it, you should be.

January 26, 2010

Eddie, Please Stop Talking to Me.

It feels like I'm learning to get my blogging voice back all over again. You know the one. It's the voice in your head that says, Gee-wiz, it sure was a hoot when the copy repairman told me he hosted a photography website that featured his life's second passion, spiritual nudes. Why don't you write about that?

For the record, my blogging voice has always has sounded like Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver, filled with plenty of Aw shucks! and Golly gee-wizes!

For the other record, the copy repairman's first passion is rebuilding snowmobiles. (I sit way too close to a copier that has seen its better days, Folks.)

Back to my blogging voice. Although this morning "The Beav" told me it would be outtasight! to tackle the spiritual nudes thing here, I just don't think I have the blogging strength or stomach to do it this early in the day.

Instead, I found myself dusting off my reader, surfing the web and steering VERY wide and clear of the website the copy guy wrote down for me on his business card. This exercise found me stalking Middle Aged Woman's blog because, a) I love her and 2) I knew her site would be virtually free of any spiritual nudes. I was right. Additionally, I saw that she had put up a quotation meme a few days prior. Not only was this a welcome distraction, but it gave me something to write about. Even though I wasn't tagged, I hope MAW doesn't mind that I decided to crash her party and steal the meme for myself.

So the meme goes a little something like this. If you'd like to participate, go here and check out some of the random quotes. Pick 5 quotes that you feel apply to your life, that say something about you and share. If you'd like, tag 5 people to do the same, link to the person who tagged you. Here are the few quotes I selected:

"There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on."
--Robert Byrne
(Um, hello! I have difficulties following though on just about everything, with the only exception being a plate of nachos. Oh I'll finish those up. What's not to love about cheese and beans and cheese? Nothing, that's what.)

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'”
--Charles M. Schulz
(I hesitated to include this one because it is Charles Schulz, a man beloved by many, but by me, not so much. Old Chuck cracked a funny here though and for that, I must give him props.)

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...”
--George Carlin
(George, most likely high at the time he said this, pegged me perfectly with this quote. The last eight months I have questioned how anyone has any time or energy to follow their dreams let alone, wash their hair.)

"It is better to travel well than to arrive."

(Perhaps this quote, more than any of the others, says more about the kind of person I pride myself on being. I am, of course, referring to the heated leather seats in my car. What? It's cold in Utah.)

"How come Eddie is such a creepy guy?"
(Eddie is the name of the copy repair guy. 'Nuf said.)

On a semi-serious and totally gushy note, I want to thank MAW for reaching out to me during my hiatus and saying the thoughful things she did. It was wonderful to hear her blogging voice.

January 22, 2010

Several Things Have Happened to Us. Most of Them Uneventful.

I want to thank you all so much for the kind comments you offered me on my previous post. I was so happy to hear from my old friends (and new ones too!). Thank you for all your words of encouragement in dealing with my bout of depression, not to mention the advice for my hair. You all made my heart smile and it meant so very much to me. After all, if it’s one thing my hair could use it’s advice. If it’s two things my hair could use, well, then it would be advice and a salon strength leave in conditioner.

I feel it only fair to let you know I’ve also received several complaints about my last post. All of these came in a series of phone calls from my mother. She was a little concerned that I didn’t include any updates on the kiddos in my entry and reminded me that several people including her nail lady, her masseuse and her friends from craft night would like to see more written about the little ones. Message received.

I guess it’s true what they say, you can’t please everybody. But I may as well try to please my mother, her friends, her manicurist and her masseuse, right? (Is it just me, or does my mom leads a pretty swanky life?)

So, if you’re one of those people who don’t really care to know what a random blogger’s children have been up to over the past six months, then please avert your eyes now. However, if you are NOT one of those people and you ARE interested, then buckle up, because this kiddie ride is about to get moving.

Also, if you are Julee, my Aunt Jean, my cousins, my sister-in-laws or my parole officer, then this post is for you too. Wait, I’m totally kidding. I’m pretty sure my parole officer doesn’t read me anymore.

Official update on family status: Jeremy continued being awesome and somewhat burly in 2009. Plain and simple. He had several projects at work that required him to log many hours on the phone and traveling and we missed him when he was out of town. But the kids and I partied it up while he was gone. Think Happy Meals + magic markers = newly painted walls.

I spent the second half of 2009 obsessing over Tiger Woods, my recycling habits and suffering a vitamin C deficiency. (I’m almost positive these three things are not at all related.) I plan to spend 2010 eating my weight in burritos, breaking in my new neti pot and cleaning up messes. (Sadly, those three things are related.)

Henry turned five this year. He experienced Lagoon (local amusement park) and sushi for the first time. He continued his love of hotel swimming pools, shoes, super heroes and any foods with cheese. (Except for foods with cheese cooked in them. Don’t even get me started.) He’s overjoyed about the prospect of starting Kindergarten next year because he thinks it will be just like a Hannah Montana episode.

Reese, who is two now, spends the bulk of her time following Henry around or dressing up in princess play clothes. Although Henry has the upper hand in age, weight and general girth, make no mistake, Reese dominates him psychologically and can reduce him to tears by just touching his Bakugan toys with her big toe. I have undeniable evidence that Reese is responsible for instigating the magic marker drawing on our walls. And sometimes her face.

We are totally taking the cost of the new paint out of your inheritance, little girl.

January 20, 2010

No, Your Reader Isn't Deceiving You.

I’m a woman of leisure.

No, wait. I take that back.

I’m a woman of leisure pants. Ratty old leisure pants. You know, the soft, full of holes pair with that unfortunate stain? Yeah, I’m that woman.

But I didn’t post today to talk about my pants. I posted today to simply post something today. The story about my pants? That was nothing but an awkward introduction to the rest of my post.

But as long as we’re on the subject of my pants……

There are very few things in this life that will force me to jump out of my leisure pants. I love them that much. They are stretchy and forgiving and they are black so they hide just about everything except for mustard stains that pop up and say HELLO! when you are cosmic bowling with your family.

Okay, so let’s address the elephant in the room, shall we? Where have I been for six+ months? Frankly, I don’t know. I’ve been here. Sort of. I wish I had interesting and witty barbs about all my adventures through the second half of 2009, but I don’t. (Did I mention the mustard stain on my favorite pants already? Sadly, that was the highlight of my entire month of November.)
I have a confession: Around June, I just sort of lost it. Lost my zest and interest in my life. I became depressed. I no longer felt it was good to be me and I questioned my place and my purpose. It was as though I woke up one day and everything that I had once found interesting, exciting and fun, I suddenly found “Meh.” That includes my blog. And especially my hair.

Can I take a break from all this serious, touchy, feely talk to take you on a tangent and discuss the situation with my hair on my self-imposed break? A big part of my depression was my lethargy and lack of energy. This manifested itself in me not wanting to wash my hair with the frequency I had before. Gross, I know. But before you judge me and my unkempt hair, keep reading.

Now, you probably already know that I have very curly hair. It actually looks and feels better day two and three after a shampooing. My hair doesn’t grease up if I don’t wash it, in fact, it does quite the opposite and actually becomes somewhat more manageable, however, it also becomes big. I mean BIG BIG, like Delta Burke on Designing Women BIG.

I can’t tell you how many times a co-worker or my mother-in-law asked me if I was doing something “new” with my hair and they gave me a long, quizzical look. Well, if you consider going four or five days between shampooing then the answer is Why of course, yes! I am absolutely doing something new with my hair. It’s called the Delta and I’m totally rockin’ it.

But folks, I am here today to proclaim to the internets that I have been washing my hair regularly. I have been happy to get out of bed. And today….well, today, I bought myself a brand new pair of stretchy pants.

I was hoping that 2010 would end up being a whole lot better than my 2009. I’m happy to report that three weeks in, as far as the absence of mustard stains and lack of 80’s hair go, for me, this year has been a tiny bit badass.