January 26, 2009

Fattie Update: Involves Cats, Lack of Judgement and Donkey Parts

HASAY. So we meet again. It’s time for another fitness update. This one’s not a stretch, I promise. I actually exercised almost every part of my body this week with the exception of my better judgment area.

A little over a week ago, my husband offered to give me a Sunday to myself sans kids. I jumped at the chance thinking about all the projects I could finish up around the house without being interrupted every ten minutes to replenish chocolate milk or reset the DVR so that a new Spongebob Squarepants would play. And those are only my husband’s requests, I haven’t even mentioned my kids’ needs yet.

As my Jeremy pulled out of the driveway with both Henry and Reese in tow, I waved and shouted “Goodbye! I love you!”, but in my head I was thinking, “See ya later, suckas! I’m taking a nap!”

I immediately ran up the stairs, peeled off my go-to-town sweats and threw on my screw-the-world-I’m-laying-around-in-these-holey-sweats sweats. I then proceeded to have myself a cat nap. Not “cat nap” in the traditional sense where I nod off for twenty minutes and wake up feeling energized refreshed. No, I took myself a two hour doozy of a nap surrounded by my two cats. Meesha slept at my knees as usual and Taz took his regular position curled up on my head. That nap will go down as one of my top three naps ever, just behind the accidental nap Henry and I took last spring and a six hour nap I took my Sophomore year in college.

Anyway, I’m counting this most recent nap as a workout because when I woke up I was a tad bit sweaty and I was still tired. Feels like a work out to me. Since then, I’ve been trying to re-create the magic of that relaxing Sunday afternoon. I’ll call both cats into the bedroom and pat the bed and try to coax them into a nap with me. So far, neither of them are game. How is it that I can’t get these lazy cats to lie down with me again? Am I that horrible of a nap partner?

One time I even resorted to bringing cat treats into the bed to entice them, but they were having none of that. Taz sauntered into the bedroom, took one look at my ratty sweats and even rattier hair then turned around and made a run for it the other way. Actually, that’s not entirely true. He licked himself before he ran away from me.

The lack of cat cuddling eventually put me in a bit of a depression so I did what I typically do when I’m feeling low, I went for a walk to sort out my thoughts. I headed over to the nature trail system, a fifteen mile winding path for biking, jogging, rollerblading and spray paint tagging near our home. The cool air and liberal use of “sucks donkey ballz” written on the winding path was doing wonders for my funk and by mile two, I felt almost completely better about the cat situation. I was however becoming a little worried about the spray painter’s in depth knowledge of the anatomy of local donkeys.

Then suddenly, an unfamiliar ball of orange and white darted out of a bush along the trail. The quick motion caught me off guard and I stopped my pace to get a better look at the object scurrying in front of me. It was a cat. It looked well kept, so I knew that it wasn’t a stray, but probably just a house cat out for a stroll. I called out to it “Hey, kitty, kitty.” and was on my way.
Over the next few days, I continued my speed walks on the trail, and spied my new little orange and white friend along the way. Some days, he even had another cat or two with him. It was on day four when a stroke of genius hit me. If Taz and Meesha wouldn’t nap with me, maybe I’d recruit outside cats for the snuggle time.

I ran home, grabbed all of Henry’s art supplies and quickly whipped up what I thought was a genius marketing campaign to invite the local stray cats to spend some quality down time with me.


I nailed these up all along the nature trail that evening and anxiously counted down the days until the weekend arrived.

To my knowledge, to date, I’ve received no takers on my very generous offer. I did however receive a visit from the local code enforcement offer, who just so happens to be my fifth grade teacher, Mr. Hollingsworth. He forced me to sit through an uncomfortable half hour lecture on why it’s not safe, or sanitary to invite stray cats to sleep in your bed. He informed me it’s also illegal to use public property as a venue for advertising without a permit.

I was all, “Then you’d better talk to whoever’s been spending quality time with the local donkeys in town, Mr. H.!”

That outburst earned me a dirty look and five demerits from my former teacher. As he left our home, Mr. Hollingsworth turned to me and said that he didn’t know what upset him the most, that fact that I had no common sense or the fact that he’s responsible for not teaching me to spell “common” or “sense” properly.

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My previous HASAY updates can all be found here.

58 comments:

Kat said...

You can borrow Sam Kitty if you would like, but that would be a heck of a cost to ship him overseas.

Kat said...

PS-He likes to cuddle up on ppls butts while they are sleeping.

The Panic Room said...

I was going to write an involved comment about cats and snuggling and decided instead to just take a 2 hour nap so I could get some exercise too.

Captain Dumbass said...

I hate cats. Let me tell you about my night. About 2 in the afternoon Liam comes down with a ferocious fever, takes an hour long nap, wakes up and pukes on me. Then he spends the rest of the day on the couch watching Igor. Round about midnight he comes sauntering into our talking non-stop about his pet bug (re: Wall-E). At about 2am his stomach decides that it's hungry so I have to get up and find him a fruit bar and some water. Then he wakes me up at 6am cause he's bored and wants to watch tv. All of which is just a long way of saying I'll be taking a nap today.

Miss Grace said...

I took a nap with Gabriel yesterday. He's less stabby than a cat, and his fur doesn't get in my nose.

Mama Dawg said...

Kat always talks about donkey ballz. Maybe it was her that vandalized the wall?

Sprite's Keeper said...

I took a nap yesterday, but it was only a half hour, I didn't wake up sweaty, more like cold, and my toddler decided to "color" happy faces on my laundry basket, which didn't look like faces, or even remotely happy for that matter.

Heather said...

A "nap" isn't a "nap" unless it's aleast 2 hours!!!

ChurchPunkMom said...

is there anything so satisfying as waking up with a cat on your head? no. the answer is, no.

Dana's Brain said...

Our dog is a master napper. And since he can usually be found on our bed, on the off chance I get a nap he is In Like Flynn. (Whatever that means.)

Now I want to go take a nap.

Pamela said...

your number starts with 555? i always thought it was 867-5309. silly me.

Michele said...

You can borrow our kitty. He has advanced degrees in naps and cuddles. Also, shedding. You've got to take the good with the bad.

michelle said...

I have two snuggle-boxers that come running as soon as they hear a bed even remotely sound as if someone is possibly sitting on it to nap. I am happy to rent them out for a small fee. Ok, Rufus snores and Izzy hogs the blankets, so no charge. But they are happy to keep you company (and warm). Since it is a full body wrestling match to move them when you want more space, it also qualifies as a workout!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

I'll take a nap with you! But leave your stinkin cats at home. I'm allergic.

I'm a nap whore!

Which could either mean that I love naps so much I'll take em when and where I can get em

OR

I like to take naps PLUS I'm a whore in general.

You be the judge.

P.S. I took a nap this weekend where when you wake up you don't know what day it is or what time it is. I LOVE those kind of naps!

Chris Wood said...

You keep a record of your best naps ever? There is something richly appealing about that.

Robin said...

Naps with the kitties RAWK. They totally have it down.

Irish Gumbo said...

That's because cats know, you can never do that again; you can only do something similar.

I thought "donkey ballz" was some freaky kids game they were advertising on Nicktoons or something...

jen said...

my best nap ever is on a couch with my husband listening to his grateful dead music when we were living in my mom's basement.
which is so weird because why would a couch be comfortable with someone else. and the music ... is not my fave.
oh yeah. probably because it was prekids.
anyways ... the point is ... i am so glad that someone else keeps record of the best naps ever.
thanks for making me a little less weird.

jen said...

oh yeah. and because i really want to tell someone ... but i'm in my office all alone ...
this morning i mixed fat free ranch dressing and pesto to put on my salad for lunch. and it's really good!
but i'm not sure how healthy it is?

Krystal said...

um yeah, those sweaty 2 hour naps are so awesome!!! i get one of those maybe about once every 6 months but like you said, very hard to recreate!

Susan said...

Ok...I'm so in the same field with the other "not so much lovers of cats" but I do have to say I am JEALOUS of your napping abilities!! I have NEVER been able to nap - and 2 hours?? That will now be my new New Years resolution. Nap taking.

Leslie said...

That's my kind of nap!

Ali said...

i dream of two-hour naps...hell, i dream of 20-minute naps...

:)

CK Lunchbox said...

It's really hard for me to imagine ever cuddling with a cat ever again... not after that one put me in the hospital. True story.

I've tried so hard forget...

mydogumentary said...

My dogs haven't even "accidentally" snuggled with me. SO I feel your pain--only my pain is worse because at least you had ONE good nap with the cats! :)

Carolyn...Online said...

Cats are god's joke on humanity.

beth said...

I feel a sleepy-storm coming on. Thanks for the bedtime story!

Cakelet said...

I have a bad cat. I wrote about her this week. She's just bad... she purrs when you pet her, and then just turns around and slashes you. But at night, she does sleep on top of my head sometimes and it is so cozy and purry. She even has an adorable little cat snore. I wish she weren't so psychotic.

Mc Allen said...

aww, so glad that you and your cats have such a close relationship. hmmm,did you ever think that maybe the reason you were sore and sweaty when you awoke was because your feline "friends" were taking advantage of you, and now they are so sickend about all of the things they did that they cant bear to look at you... Just a thought..♥LA

Cameron said...

I've recently lost precious bed space to our stupid cat....and she wonders why I give her dirty looks constantly.

Bex said...

Napping = my favorite hobby.

I thought I was the only one who enjoyed either warming for exercise or cooling down from exercise with a nap.

That's what blogging is for, so we can all relate to each other in some weird way that real life people don't.

Laufa said...

So glad sucking donkey balls got you out of your funk - lol!!

Sammanthia said...

I don't have a cat but I have a Yorkie if you're interested. She loves taking naps.

Casey said...

Naps are my favorite thing in the entire world. I will nap with you. I'll even snuggle but only until you fall asleep and then I'm off to my side of the bed.

Nice work with the nature walks, keep it up! Gooooooooooooooo HASAY!

Keely said...

I miss having naps.

Plus it's so friggin cold her right now that the only way to actually get sweaty is to, y'know, exercise. Where's the fun in that??

for a different kind of girl said...

Cripes, I can't even get to sleep at night in order to dream about naps!!

You are awesome. So are naps that start out in the daylight and stretch into night. "That's called a full night's sleep, FADKOG!" some might say, but I beg to differ. If they beg me to differ on your awesomeness, I'll never cave.

Jenni Jiggety said...

What YOU need is a couple puppies! Puppies LOVE a snuggle. Plus! They are puppies! Cuuuuute!

jori-o said...

This reminds me of the Friends episode where Ross and Joey (I think?) fell asleep and cuddled together--it was, of course, the best nap of their lives but they felt wrong about it...maybe your kitties just want to be friends??

Sherendipity said...

Teachers are so touchy. Well, not touchy but, you know, "touchy". Well, there was that creepy teacher that went to jail after having like a 6 year old's baby or something. I might have the details a little fuzzy.
Anyway, come and visit me. I'm giving away sex games. For free and stuff.

Mary Anna said...

I'm not handing over Max for any naptime snuggles. She's all mine. Right now, she's curled up on my chair blanket, probably waiting for me to put down the computer and crawl into bed. One bad thing: She has such good manners that she won't jump into bed (or onto any occupied furniture) without being invited. That's a bit of a problem at 3 a.m. Oh, and she insists on jumping up on Paul's side of the bed. Then she walks all over him to come lay down with me. Such love!

Mary Anna said...

Woo Hoo! Top 40! Eat that, Kasey Kasum.

I think I should go to bed now.

Heinous said...

At least you're not cuddling with donkeys like that person on the path.

Tracy Lynn said...

Or 'gentle', dude. And I would offer Los Gatos, but you want a nap, not a mugging.

Ali-Pants said...

Oh how I miss napping! And I've only got one child and zero cats. Dogs are good napping companions sometimes but they take up infinitely more space then cats. And my particular dog has "siesure dreams."

The Stiletto Mom said...

I just put Mary Bailey the cat in a box and she is on her way to you now. Sure, my husband is going to be mad and she doesn't sound too happy about it, but really, there just isn't anything I'd do for you.

Wicked Step Mom said...

I am extremely allergic to cats. But, I will tell you that I loved sleeping with my dog. She was awesome and warm and would bark at anyone who tried to interrupt our nap/cuddle time.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

If you lived closer I would totally get my kitty ears from Halloween, put on some soft feetie pajamas and nap with you, while purring and kneading your stomach. THAT is how much I love you.

Now that would be rad.

Cat said...

I won't knead your stomach, but I will lick you. Would that work?

Tricia said...

Is your husband this sweet naturally, or did you have to promise something in return?

Jonny's Mommy said...

Cats never want to cuddle when you do, so the idea you even tried to solicit one to sleep with you is funny to me.

Wait..none of that came out right. Soliciting cats...isn't that illegal?

Well, I sure didn't mean this comment to get as dirty as it just did. Anyhow, I hope you can find the time to get one of those good naps again and that your cats cooperate. If not, I have a dog who is about the size of a cat who could acomodate you. Just don't fart if he is curled up behind your butt. He acts all indignant like he has never farted before. He has, but he doesn't make noise. Silently, but deadly.

GreenJello said...

nap = exercise? Pure genius.

Debbie said...

Anything that leaves your sweaty and tired counts.

I can't nap. Not a short nap ... not a long one. I feel like absolute crap if I take a nap.

DeeMarie said...

Do you remember the Friends episode when Ross and Joey had the great naps? I need one of those.
Love you!

HeatherPride said...

I have to say that accidental naps really are the best. But stray cats are kinda skanky. I'm just looking out for your reputation.

Captain Dumbass said...

So today I made a quesadilla with two different kinds of left over stir fry. One had chicken and the other had fish. There was even tofu. Then I grated some mozzarella and cheddar on it.

Don't make that face, it tasted good.

colepack said...

I love those naps. As to cats, not a fan of them..... allergies.
ANyhoo, my neighbor has 15 cats, not lie, and most live in my back yard. She walks back there at dinner time, calls them by name and they all go running home. Lind of freaky......really.

SweetPeaSurry said...

HAH! The choco milk and spongebob squarepants hubby request cracked me up!! Funny gal

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