Being Topical is Not One of My New Year's Resolutions

Instead of writing a resolution post during the New Year’s holiday, I fought the urge and held out until now to draft my list. My reasoning was simple. I wanted to wait it out until everyone had posted their resolutions already. After a few weeks, most items on those lists are probably shot or close to being broken. If I post my resolutions later, chances are that I can hold out until early to mid-February, thus making it look like I was able to stick to my goals for the new year a little longer.

I'm tricky like that.

This approach is similar to my long-held belief that I’ll somehow trick myself out of bed on time if I keep my alarm clock running 20 minutes fast. It hasn't worked in the fifteen years I've been trying it, but as you can see by resolution #67, I'll never give up the hope that someday it just might.

So, here’s my New Year’s Resolution list. I’m sure it’s just like yours.

1. Lose weight
2. Weigh my options
3. Get in shape
4. Accept “round” as a shape
5. Be more comfortable in my own skin
6. Get new skin
7. Listen to Barry White
8. Stalk Betty White
9. Watch more Golden Girls
10. Eat more Golden Grahams
11. Cooking school
12. Charm school
13. Wizard school
14. Too cool for school
15. Catch up with old friends
16. Ketchup with new friends
17. Work it out
18. Feel the burn
19. Pay the price
20. Buy two, get one free
21. Never gonna give you up
22. Never gonna let you down
23. Never gonna run around
24. …and desert you
25. Stop listening to Rick Astley
26. Start listening to Rick Springfield
27. Save more money
28. Find out if mo’ money means mo’ problems
29. Bust a move
30. Fix that busted move
31. Be a better mother
32. Turn this mother out
33. Snuggle with Jeremy
34. Buy a Snuggie (that’s for you, Bejwell)
35. Be more like Bejwell
36. Less pain
37. More joy
38. More Almond Joy
39. Dazzle my husband
40. Bedazzle my husband’s jeans
41. Find the perfect jeans
42. Call a friend named Gene
43. Make friends with someone named Gene
44. Stop
45. Collaborate and listen
46. Stop
47. Hammertime
48. Stop dating a**holes
49. Whoops! Number 48 is a leftover from my 1999 resolution list.
50. Party like it’s 1999
51. 99 Luftballoons
52. Perfect my German accent
53. Teach Tom Cruise to speak in German accent
54. Keep my position at work
55. Keep my composure at work
56. (…when someone says “steel erection”. It happens a lot.)
57. Form a band
58. Name it Steel Erection
59. Set it
60. And forget it
61. Bring “snazzy” back
62. Bring sexy back
63. Take sexy back
64. (for in-store credit only)
65. Re-read Great Expectations
66. But with mediocre hopes
67. Never give up hope
68. Find out if Bo and Hope are still together
69. Conquer my fears
70. Develop a fetish
71. Develop more film
72. Accept my feelings for one Rachel Maddow
73. Accept that my feelings are not returned by one Rachel Maddow
74. Accept the cease and desist order from one Rachel Maddow
75. Be taller