October 20, 2008

Fattie

So one of my bloggy friends, Casey, over at Half as Good as You is starting a fat camp for us bloggers. But can I ramble off topic for just a moment? Casey’s more like three times as good as me, not half as good as me as her blog title would insinuate. It’s sort of false advertising on her part.

As many of you know, I’ll do anything anyone tells me to. If HeatherPride so much as snaps those well manicured fingers at me, I’m up and jumping. Well, the same goes for Casey. She’s called me a fattie, skinny bastard, rat stalker, a hooker and a few other names I probably shouldn't mention on this site. So, if you insult me on a fairly regular basis, I’ll also do anything you tell me to do. However, I must say in Casey’s defense, I did call her a skank first. Then I tried to apologize and wound up referring to her as a wench.

Also, I must admit that Casey was well within her rights to call me out as a rat stalker too. After all, I did leave a dead rat on her driveway, but it came from a really good place, I promise. Well, not literally. I mean it came from a good place in my heart. I have no idea where the rat actually hung his hat at night.

But this post isn’t about rats, or skanks. (But what if it was? Wouldn’t that be awesomesauce?) It’s about a fat camp or something that Casey has created. It’s called Club Half as Small as You and it’s a brilliant way to bring a community of fellow bloggers together to support and cheer each other on as we strive to meet our fitness goals. I couldn’t be happier or more excited about this challenge. If I could, I would kiss Casey on the face as a sign of gratitude. But since she’s no longer speaking to me, I think that scenario is highly unlikely.

The Club Half as Small as You Challenge begins this week. To kick it off, participants were asked to post our response to the following fitness goal questions:

Motivation:
I am motivated by food or pretty and shiny things. I’m also motivated when people call me names. If I could just get someone to send me a mp3 file where they call me names over and over, I would be so pumped.

Long-term goal:
I want to lose some lbs and tone my flabby self up. I want to get whistled at when I walk by a construction site.

Long-term weight loss goals:
I’m hesitant to say how many inches or pounds I want to lose because I have bloggy friends in Canada. What if I start throwing around terms of measurement that they’re unfamiliar with? They’d be all, “Inches? What’s that all aboot?” Also, someone from the Ukraine frequently logs on to The Bee. They always land on a post I wrote five months ago about Shark Week. Is there some viable shark threat in the Ukraine that I don’t know about?

Another tangent here. When I looked up Canada’s metrification (real word) on wikipedia (real, but not credible site) it said that Canada was considered “soft metric” not “hard metric”. How cool would it be to start a band and call it Hard Metric?

Alright, where were we? Weight loss goals. Let’s just say I want to be down three dress sizes.

Tools available to me:
We have a treadmill and a very dusty elliptical trainer in our basement. We also have a weight machine in the garage that has never been touched with the exception of the time we moved it into the garage. Also, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a few free weights in my house. But why would you want to do that? Why would anyone want to swing a dead cat in my house?

I have three gyms within five minutes of my house, but who am I kidding? The gym? That’s never gonna happen.

How often can I exercise:
I’m going say I’ll exercise five times a week, but in reality, I’ll only exercise three times a week.

What do I plan on doing:
I guess I will have to stop eating a BLT sandwich every night. Oh, how I will remember those sixteen nights of bacon with fondness. Work days are difficult for me when I'm trying to adhere to a diet plan. One of my close friends at work used to be a University of Utah cheerleader and she has the metabolism of a six year old boy. She eats whatever she wants and doesn’t gain an inch, or a centimeter (or whatever “soft metric” countries call it). Since she sits right next to me and eats donuts like nobody's business, it's hard to obstain from fatty foods. I think I offended her one time when she lamented that she was feeling heavy. I was all, “Listen here, size 2, don’t even start with me!” I later found out that she was not a size 2, but in fact, a size 0. Awkward.

My best bet as far as calorie restriction goes would be to bring a lunch to work and store it in the communal fridge. Someone in our office steals lunches frequently, so it’s bound to happen to me at least once a week. Wa-la! Calories gone! Recently, I’ve become quite fond of these Kale shakes that I discovered from a friend. I’ll chug one of those suckers down in the morning, pray my lunch gets snagged and then eat something for dinner that isn’t pizza.

What has worked for me in the past?
Well, I was very thin when I was in high school. It might be a good idea take a closer look at my activities from back then. Let's see, as a teen I would avoid homework, talk in class and cruise by football practice constantly. Somehow, I don't think any of those things are going to magically melt my unwanted pounds away. Besides, I gave up cruising by high school football practice months ago.

Come to think of it, I did drop a bunch of weight when I had walking pneumonia about eight years ago. Maybe I could wander around Target and get a sickly stranger to cough on me. No, I promised Jeremy I wouldn’t do that anymore.

Honestly, I think if I don’t focus on losing the weight, but rather on trying to improve my performance during my workout, I’ll be more successful. I think I’ll try to run another half-marathon next spring. That should get me up and moving. Although, running 13 plus miles? That’s, like far and stuff. Maybe I better stick to the goal of looking tight in a pair of pink hot pants. Shiny hot pants.

Come on. It's not too late to join in on the fun, click here to see how the challenge works. Good luck everyone!

60 comments:

mae said...

taking a photo of my chubby self in shiny pink hot pants might motivate me to work out... then again it might just put the last nail in my agoraphobic coffin.

Sherendipity said...

This post makes me hungry.

Casey said...

Listen skan, you need to step AWAY from the blog and get your ass on the treadmill. Maybe Jeremy can tie you to the back of the car and go for a nice drive. He would probably be courteous and keep it under forty, he seems nice like that. Welcome aboard club HASAY. This should be an interesting, I mean fun experience for all of us. Let the ridicule begin! You are officially linked (stealing the line from SK).

Casey said...

WTF is a skan?I can't even insult you anymore. I meant SKANK.

Jay @halftime lessons said...

I lost 30lbs since May...I am afraid this is as hot as I get.

;-)
Jay
Ps- starting a new tradition today...a Pessimistic Monday Prize...come see!

The Stiletto Mom said...

Fifth?? How early does someone have to get up around here to win??
I'm going to go eat my bacon come back and read this. (oh calm down, it's turkey bacon)

mongoliangirl said...

OK. I didn't even come close. Didn't even allow my finger to hover over the button that would click me over to that "weight loss link". Forget it. I think Hellbilly and I should just open a weight loss camp. People could pay to come over and take care of our horses. Train them, scoop their poop, stretch fence, build a barn addition.
And yes...if we didn't have all of that going on every day I would probably have an ass the size of Texas.

Laufa and Roy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laufa and Roy said...

If you want name calling...just get WII Fit. When you get on, it automatically says you are overweight and is rude. If you are really overweight, it yells at you to get off. So, if that is the motivation you need - good luck!!

MMMM Bacon!! We are having chocolate birthday cake this week and next - 2 birthday's in our house. I'm in trouble already!

Sprite's Keeper said...

As a fellow contestant, I must say "good luck" and "cheerio" and "pip pip", but as a rival, I must say, I'm gonna kick your Bee Butt! It's on!

Sprite's Keeper said...

I still heart you very much..

DeeMarie said...

So glad you joined too!! Can't wait to read your exercise adventures... I'm sure I'll have at least one time to share how the treadmill won the race against me.

Heinous said...

I'd join the challenge, but I already exercise 5ish times a week. I'm at a good weight too and have awesome blood pressure. Does this mean I should embark on the 'half as large' campaign? It seems counter intuitive, but I feel left out here.

CelloBella said...

Hey good luck!
I see a good excuse to get Wii Fit... how I want one. :)

Cameron said...

Sounds fun.....but, I really like to eat whatever and whenever I want. It makes me happy. Can I just cheer everybody on from the sidelines?

Seriously Mama said...

Count me in! I am down 26 pounds in 11ish weeks and have umm, some more to go. Heading over there now...

Jennifer said...

I think Rat Stalker would be a good band name too.

Good luck w/ your fitness challenge! I've been a lazy slacker in that dept. lately. I will check out the site--maybe I'll find some motivation there??

HeatherPride said...

Well, going back to your That's What She Said t-shirt photo, I am thinking you already like fine to me. But if you want to be f-i-i-i-n-e then you go girl!

Also, I totally bite my fingernails. Manicure? Pfft. See, you don't know me at all.

HeatherPride said...

I meant to say, you already look fine. Not, you already like fine. But you can like fine too. Who am I to judge?

Momma Trish said...

I'd love to join, but exercise is out of the question until the knee break heals up completely. I'll cheer from the sidelines!

Your coworker story made me laugh. Reminds me of how my mother-in-law always offers me clothes that are too big for her. And when I tell her that they won't possibly fit me, because I am pretty big these days, she always responds sweetly with "Well, they are big. They're a size MEDIUM!!" (Hmm. Bite me.)

Best of luck to you!

Jamie said...

Loved this post and I can't wait to read more. It's such perfect timing as I was just writing a blog about my chubby self. However, with my foot/ankle injury still affecting how much I can really exercise I think I will just cheer you all on the from the sidelines. I think it's a great idea and can't wait to see how everyone does. Maybe I will play along on my own and do the old lady exercises my ortho dr told me was OK to do. Have fun and I can't wait to read all about it.

gingela5 said...

Good luck--I should do this! I may but am I too late?! I didn't post anything...crap! I'm always behind! And one time one of my friend's husbands called a girl fat in a magazine...yeah she was a size 0...literally. The magazine printed her size b/c it was about something weight related. I hid in a cave for a week.

goodfather said...

Is there a cheerleading section? I don't need to lose any weight, but I'm in full support, having lost 120 pounds over the last 2 years or so. I so wish this had started when I was losing weight.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Jenbo. You are already skinny.

Now, I don't want to discourage anyone from exercising and cutting back on bacon sandwiches because, damn. 16 days in a row is a lot, even for a bacon lover. But I think you look damn hot already. Nevertheless, I will wish you good luck. Because it's good to eat healthy and exercise.

I'm probably going to start a weight loss regimen also, but I'm going to try drugs before I resort to diet and exercise. Alli first and if that doesn't do anything then phentermine with B12 shots.

I'll be happy if I lose 20 lbs, but 30 would be even better because I like that malnourished look. Also, I've found in the past that a good stomach flu can really jump start a weight loss program. Kind of like your pneumonia technique.

Really, I'd like to know how I can go about getting a tapeworm implanted in my stomach, but when I Google it it seems like people only want to get them out. Maybe I could but a tapeworm from someone that's had one removed.

Anyway, good luck, you skanky hooker. You'll do great! xo

anymommy said...

From the way I giggled through that post, I can tell that I am really going to enjoy cheering you on. Good luck!

Colepack said...

I got nothing..... sorry.
great post. guess I am not awake.

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm going to move to Newfoundland so I can get a half hours head start on all these people. That's right, we have five and a HALF time zones! And the reason we're 'soft metric' (though I've never heard that term before) would be because we live beside you. And because of that I know what I weigh in pounds but have no idea what I weigh in kilos. Oh, and your country is one of only 3 countrys left that don't use metric. Want to know your exalted company? Libya & Myanmar. Woot!

I don't think I want to lose weight so much as move it to a better location. And can motivation be measured in negatives?

Cat said...

I will assist your weight loss goals by eating a BLT on your behalf at least three times a week. And since the BLT is for you, then your three workouts per week will cancel out the calories from the BLTs and it will be like I get three calorie-free BLT's per week. Remind me to thank you by sending a photo of me eating bacon. In pink hot pants.

for a different kind of girl said...

I can sort of play the flute, so if anyone is down with it, I'm game with forming Hard Metric and going on the road.

Wait. That sounds a little bit like a double entendre. I didn't mean it like that. I swear. I am willing to make sure bacon is in any contract riders we have, though. I'll just make sure it's turkey bacon.

mrsbear said...

I wouldn't mind getting harassed by a couple of construction workers here and there, it's flattering. Good luck!

Maggie May said...

you forgot being able to do amazing and thrilling sex positions with your newfound strength and confidence!

hey, maybe then you can get your husband to PAY you to work out, from gratitude.

Khadra said...

Im doing WW right now. There is no way Im posting my weight online!! HA!!

Good luck to both of us!

Chris Wood said...

BBBBEEEEEWWWWAAARRRREEEE!

Diets = pure evil.

You know that's true.

Jenni said...

yay for fatties!

no, wait, yay for fitness!

that just sounds wrong.

Krystal said...

oooh!! I love being preggo!!! LOL Just rubbing it in you know for posterity's sake. So when I am eating that plate load of pasta and having a serving of ice-cream with Oreo crumbs, I will so totally think of you!!! really, I will

Oh, check your e-mail, also check your junk box, it might have gone there.

jen said...

i so should join you.
these winter months require much motivation.
i'll have to check it out.

Jonny's Mommy said...

*snort*

you crack me up. And yes, I snort when I laugh. So? Want to make something of it?

Yeah, I didn't think so, skank.

Oh wait..is that "skank" stuff only for you and Casey? Well, anyhow...I'm going to get involved in this this week. Have to write my "why I don't want to be fat anymore" post and then I'll be in. Probably Wed. Really, I'm serious. I'm not just saying that. Really.

Tracy Lynn said...

Dude, I would TOTALLY O THIS, except I don't want to.

I'm just going to hang over here, where the bacon is. Uuuummmmmmm, BACON.

Tracy said...

I would like to say that I'll join you but honestly, I won't. I'm not big on dieting and exercise. And running? Yeah, I don't run unless something is chasing me and only then if it looks like it can eat all of me when it does catch me.
One thing I could suggest is getting an illess like mine where they put you on all of these meds that make you have absolutely no appetite at all. It's really worked for me!
Seriously, in the past seven months, the only excercise I've done is sleep and shower (occasionally) and I've lost 90 pounds! That's like four tiny people or something!
One thing I can offer to do to help you is call you names. I'm really good at that. I'm hoping I can call you enough names for you to come and clean my house or something.

Tracy said...

And really, any diet that involves giving up BLT's? Is it really worth it?
It's bacon for crying out loud!

Rhea said...

You go girl!

Kat said...

Good Luck! There is no way I am even going to attempt losing weight until I get done with this move. I am such a stress eater!

Jenni Jiggety said...

Good luck with your shrinking!

I am TOTALLY STEALING aweseomsauce...I think it is my new favorite word!

Bee said...

I wish I could join you but I am such the lazy witch. I love walking in cold weather which is what I've been doing but once I get home, I plant myself in front of the TV or laptop and not even a crane will budge me until 10:30ish pm. Good luck to all!

Ron said...

Best thing I've ever seen/done was the Abs Diet. Easy to do and gets results.

TattooedMinivanMom said...

One mp3 file coming right up...

Swinging dead cat? No prob...

Way to insult your coworkers!! I'm so proud of you! Don't use communal fridge. You'll get a staph infection.

Hooker, calling Steenky Bee Hooker, please report to my place. I triple dog dare you.

Thanks for fixing my name. Do you fix cars too?

Seriously Mama said...

Okay woman. I'm in. Now when we take our family vacay this year to visit the new dinosaur find in your neck of the woods we can cruise the construction sites together...

Red Cup Mom said...

Wowee... good luck! You go for it. I've been meaning to get started on this... but alas I am not ready to get on this train yet. I have a nursling and eating is what I need to do (or so I say as I slowly gain weight). Argh. At least I own up to my excuses.

Good luck girl!

Mc Allen said...

okay, we have to be friends. I laughed through this whole post and had to reread it a few times.... Your description of yourself is so funny that it really endeared me to you and made me want to give you a hug!!( or the number to my therapist/self help guru... ;)I am going to check out the fat camp link, but I'll be back to see whats going on in here ... Leah
5irls1boy.blogspot.com

Preston said...

Do you really have to work out to lose weight? Can't I just eat less and pretend to exercise? Does walking to and from the car count? how about to and from the fridge? especially if I just open it and stare without actually eating? Will that count?

I found you while I was on Tattooed Minivan Mom's blog where she gave you an award. :)

Debbie said...

I've just burned 50 calories by stalking you! Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Carolyn...Online said...

Fattie camp. Ha. Skank is one of my all time fav words.

JaxPop said...

A few minor suggestions - Try riding a recumbant stationary bike (doesn't hurt lower back) - lots of walking is good & avoid artificial sweeteners (Splenda, Equal, Etc) - use Stevia instead - it's completely natural & there are no calories. The other stuff doesn't digest properly - it's mostly chemicals. You can look up the info online. That's my 2 cents for the day. Good Luck.

GreenJello said...

Trying to lose weight is SO unfair. I've been a Very Good Girl for the past two months, running/walking 3 days a week, and strength training for 3 times a week.

Since that time, I've gained 6 pounds, and my body fat has gone up. (Ok, my lean body mass has gone up by almost 2 pounds... so where did the other 4 come from?!?!?)

Hrumph.

Casey said...

Just checking in with my favorite skan. You heard me, skan. I hope your ass is working out right now and not on Twitter. I actually exercised this morning. Who'd a thunk?

jerlyn said...

re yr blog on melanied,ah,Steenky bee, the stories
Cpt.Dumbass' family could tell you!!! I think it was
very thoughtful for melanied to
expose her nephews to the culture and art of modern music.
back to exercise-have u tried pole walking? not north pole, just walking with a ski pole like contraption that you did into the ground ahead of you. Supposed to work all different area of body.
Fun in a group, but walking downtown by yourself with these poles gets you some strange looks!
jellybean (alias)badkarma

DeeMarie said...

um... hi.

Laufa and Roy said...

Hey Lady, This is me checking to see if how you are doing. Put down the BLT and go take a walk!!! I will starting calling you names, if need be!!! Don't you feel loved now? :>)

Kat@MotherFonker said...

Hi, Jen!

I'm late! as always.

Just saying hello and hoping you had a great week with the dusty equipment. :-)

JuleeSLC said...

You go, girl! My money is on you.