Cough Syrup Makes Me Care About Coreys

I've been battling a cold recently. No biggie. But this weekend I over did it a little and wound up spending most of Sunday in a reclining position heavily sedated by cough syrup. Around 1:00 in the afternoon, I was surfing through the TV channels when I saw a listing on A&E titled The Coreys.

I'll admit, my heart jumped a little bit. I knew instantly that this program was about none other than the Haim and the Feldman. Goodie. Normally, I wouldn't have thought twice about this program, but I was intrigued on several levels. Let me to break them down for you:

1. The Coreys was a biography program profiling the two 80's teen heart throbs. I'm a sucker for biographies. Especially the smut filled kind that would normally only take up 20 minutes of your time, but the programmers stretch that time by adding filler. You know, interviews with second grade teachers, second hand sightings by store clerks and other irrelevant figures that may or may not have been in the central character's life.
2. It was on A&E. It had to be sort of highbrow didn't it? *Spoiler Alert* It so wasn't.
3. Remember The Randoms? Do you recall my brief encounter with me and Jeremy's soul mate couple? They were highly interested in Corey Feldman. If I could glean enough information from this program I could use that to woo The Randoms into a double date. That is if our paths ever crossed again.
4. I have met Corey Haim. Yes, it's true. I had a brush with celebrity greatness just as his greatness was tainting a bit. In order to keep you hanging on a little longer, I'm not going to spill this story just quite yet. But know that my story involves traveling great distances, awkward silences, smelly socks and Doritos. That ought to keep you on the edges of your seats.

So I'm guessing right about now, all you readers out there under 26 there are wondering 'Who is Corey Haim and Corey Feldman?' My readership above that age are asking 'Which one is the Haim and which one is Feldman?' The only exception is Julee. She is probably sitting in stunned silence, no wait, she would be shrieking OUT LOUD, at the thought that someone doesn't know the difference between these two, let alone, who the hell they are.

To keep this post under 2000 words, I'll show you pictures of the Coreys.

Corey Haim circa 1980s

Corey Haim circa now

Corey Feldman circa 1980s

Corey Feldman circa now

Can you guess which one can't get his life together and off the drugs? If you guess the Haim, then you would be correct-amundo.

Now that we're straight on that, my cough syrup induced (over the counter formula) and weakened state allowed me to watch not only the hour plus long biography program that mostly just showed clips from Lost Boys and the Haim hanging out with Alissa Milano, it also enabled me to watch three full hours of their reality show The Two Coreys.

Those are four hours that I will never see again folks, and I'm not even sad about it one bit. Looking back on it the next day, I was a little embarrassed that I wasted so much time on the Coreys, but when I phoned Julee and confessed, I detected a high level of jealousy in her voice so I knew I had made the right four hour decision.

During those hours, as I said, I was in a hallucinogenic state. I thought the television I was watching was absolutely mind blowing. I couldn't believe I was seeing the Coreys as they were today and how their lives had taken such different trajectories. I could see clearly (with the aid of cough syrup) why they misunderstood each other so much. The Haim was guarded and insecure. He just wants his life back. The Feldman has moved on a bit. He's married, organized and has things going for him. They have jealousy issues with each other and just want the magic of the 80s back in their lives. These two are in couples counseling for heck sakes! (BTW: neither of the Coreys ever said 'heck sakes' as far as I know.)

Now, remember when I said that I met Corey Haim? I've always kind of laughed off this story and made a little fun of him while at it. I now sort of feel guilty doing so. Here's why. He's incredibly insecure and I don't think he's had control of his own life ever.

When I was a junior in high school (1989), my Uncle Kit (casting director) was in town working on a film starring the Haim. At this time, Corey was a little past his prime, but only by about two years. My Uncle asked if I wanted to meet him. I said sure. My Uncle was so excited to fulfill, what he thought, was a dream of mine. It really wasn't, but I so appreciated the gesture. I took along a friend for moral support.

Corey was staying in a rented condo in Park City and Kit took us to his unit during one of Corey's breaks in shooting. Corey was chatty with Kit since they knew each other. He never really engaged me or my friend much besides asking us if we 'wanted in on some of his Cool Ranch Doritos action'. (that was verbatim) I remember Corey being really fidgety and just kind of amped up. He kept putting his feet up on the coffee table and them taking them down and tapping on his knee like a drum. His socks were filthy, dirty, filthy (it needed to be said twice) and the entire condo either smelled like Cool Ranch Doritos or Corey's feet. Maybe both.

We stayed a total of about 30 minutes. He kept calling me Jan. I thought he was such a dick. But kind of dreamy in a way.

After watching The Two Coreys, I realize Haim had suffered some pretty bad personal stuff and was battling depression and drug dependency back then. We didn't fawn all over him and his snack food of choice so we probably ticked him off. He was used to seeing beautiful women and I just had the frizziest hair ever. He knew his career was ending too. All of this makes me sad, but not necessarily in that order. (I would say my frizzy hair ranks number 1 or 2 on the list. It was seriously bad, yo.)

Also, after watching The Two Coreys, I realize that I have watched too much reality television in my past. The home that the Haim is staying in is a home that was flipped a few years ago on Flip This House. I instantly recognized it. Jeremy thinks it's amazing that I know that. I think it's sad.

Anyway, as I write this, I feel a little weepy and like I need to write the Haim a letter to let him know that I hope all goes well for him and his Hollywood comeback. Everyone deserves a second chance right? He has no one but himself to blame, but I saw pain on his face. Albeit, edited through post production and coupled with carefully selected soundtrack pain, but it was still pain and longing to be loved again. There's that and the fact that I'm still heavily medicated on my cough syrup.

Stay tuned. Tomorrow night, I'm planning to take a lot of Tums and watch a Beverly Hills 90210 Reunion Show. Who knows? Maybe I'll change my perceptions about that bitch Kelly Taylor. Not likely.

**UPDATE** I just read on Gawker that most of this "reality" show is filmed in Toronto, not Hollywood. What? They specifically give you the impression that they are in California. I was duped! Only now I need to figure out if I was duped by my cough suppressant or by clever editing. Blerg.

Look Alikes

No, You're Still Not Penelope Cruz
So after my post about Henry mistaking me for Penelope Cruz, I got to thinkin' (BTW: when you "get to doin'" anything, it's always an in' type of deal. Never a ing type of deal). So as I was sayin', I got to thinkin' "Who DO I really look like?" Then my friend Jeff pointed me to myheritage.com

It's a fun site where you can do serious things like build your genealogy trees or you can do more relevant things like morph your face with a celebrity's face or track down the celebrities you most closely resemble. You may think I used this site to so some family research, but you'd be wrong.

It's simple, you post pictures of yourself like so...

Then you wait for your matches to pull up. Do you want to see our matches? I'll do mine first. *Spoiler Alert* Jeremy's is hysterical! I want to keep you readers hooked so I'll give you a little teaser.... Jeremy closely resembles an 80's singing icon. Who happens to be a woman!!

Jen looks like:

Sara Jessica Parker 75%

(This is troubling for Jeremy since he aggressively hates her. Seriously, he looks for reasons to dislike her. Also, she was just voted America's most unsexy celebrity. This does not bode well for me, I'm afraid.)

Shiri Appleby 72%

(She's a cute girl, but I have no idea who she is)

Hayden Panettiere 71%

(What the what? The cheerleader? Save the whales girl? Although, the site posted a picture of her in her Disney, pre-jailbait career. I guess I look like a 10 year old?)

Summer Altice 71%

(I'm a little concerned she might be a porn star)

Hunter Tylo 71%

(Pretty, older former model, but she's starting to look a little drag queenish)

Nikki Cox 70%

(No comment)

Rebecca Romijn 70%

(There is no rhyme or reason for this match. Is it the bigger teeth?)

And now for the fun stuff. I present to you Jeremy's matches!

Jeremy looks like:

James Van der Beek 60%

(Dawson himself! Yay! What a surprise!)

Billy Sheehan 59%

(Not sure who he is, but his website states that Mr. Sheehan is to bass guitar what Jackie Chan is to kung fu movies. Who am I to question the internet?)

John Woo 59%

(Asian?! If you're surprised, this is only the first of the many Asians that Jeremy resembles)

Lou Reed 52%

(Cool, very cool. Maybe Jeremy resembles him in coolness?)

Apolo Anton Ohno 58%

(Asian number 2!)

Yasujiro Ozu 58%

(Japanese born director. Strangely enough, his bio claims that Mr. Ozu is to Japanese cinema what Billy Sheehan is to bass guitar.)

I saved the best match for Jeremy for last. Ladies and gentleman, I bring you....

Stevie Nicks 58%

(Former Fleetwood Mac and treadmill walker while singing 80's icon who so happened to maybe be a witch. This is stunning, but sort of understandable. I couldn't being myself to crop the bird or her hair or her stunning dress out of the picture)

Before The Lovin' Starts

Not Even Close…But Thanks
Sunday night we had the Grammys on in the background. I was hoping to catch Amy Winehouse perform, but no, no no, I didn’t get a chance. However, When Morris Day and Time broke into Jungle Love (Ohwee, ohwee, oh) I was stunned. Mr. Day, what are you doing at the Grammys? And Herbie Hancock? Your presence only fueled a long running joke that my husband borrowed from the film Tommy Boy years ago.

But, these two random faces from the 80's are not my reason for blogging the Grammys. No, it was a Loreal commercial that brings us here today. Henry and Jeremy were snuggled watching commercials during the award show, when Henry said, “Look, Dad, she’s just like Momma.” This caught my attention because I was worried somehow Amy Winehouse had showed up and Henry had mistaken her for me. But no, I looked at the television and there was Penelope Cruz. Penelope Cruz you say? Yes, Penelope Cruz.

Now folks, don’t get me wrong here, I know I look nothing like the Latin beauty, but who am I to correct a small child? We all kind of laughed (maybe Jeremy laughed a little too hard for a little too long). But I hugged my child and thanked him from the bottom of my heart.


Miss Your Face
I miss one of my BFFs ever so dearly. Roslin and I used to see each other 4 days a week at work. Now, that she works from home (still for us, yay!) I only get to hear her voice. She’s one of the funniest gals I know and I always value her opinions and cherish our talks together. We used to sit at work in the same area and we were positioned so that we would only have to glance up and we would see each other. After about a year, we developed sort of a secret language that didn’t even need to be spoken. We could just look at each other and know what the other was thinking. And the strange thing is, that’s how we communicated a good deal of the day. Now that I’m back, I find myself looking over at her area, but there’s no Rozzie. (Think of The Office when Jim left and Pam found herself instinctively looking up at Jim empty desk).

So Rozzie and I have decided until we can webcam, we will take photos of ourselves pulling the faces that we know and send them to one another. It sounds all good, but when I actually took the photos of myself, I realized how dorky and sad I truly am. So, Rozzie, the following pictures are for you. If any of you other peeps out there want to download these to keep you company at work, feel free. But your co-workers might judge you for it. And folks, if we’re lucky, Rozzie will let me post her photos here and you will finally see who REALLY looks like Penelope Cruz.

Time Warp Commute
It’s simple, we live 35 minutes from our office. We can be at work at 7:30 am or at 8:10-8:15 am. We CANNOT be at work at 8:00 am. There is some time/space travel continuum at the Davis County – Salt Lake County lines. Who are we to fly (or speed excessively) in the face of science?

The Destroya
Jeremy, Reese and I heard a ruckus coming from Henry’s room Monday night. What was this ruckus you ask? Here it is….

When questioned about the noise, Henry was very, very cooperative. He said that Cera (his Triceratops Dinosaur) wrecked the train village on his train table. Apparently she also flung her body around and knocked over other dinosaurs, derailed a few trains and broke off all the trees at the stump. Hmm. Jeremy insists on further investigation. I say, Triceratops are well known for their temper.

*If you enjoyed this mystery story, be sure and stay tuned for other classics such as....

Who Dumped the Doritos on the Kitchen Floor?
Who's Been Eating Dog Food Again?
Who Locked All the Interior Doors in the House?
Why is There a Huge Puddle of Water in Front of the Fridge?

And the New Awesome is.........
Our Conservative Dogs are the New Awesome
That’s right, DOGS, plural. I was mistaken when I thought that Maxie was the only right-winged canine in our house. I guess Bat’s a member of the GOP too! Truthfully, I think he just follows Maxie’s lead when it comes to politics. Max is the top dog and he agrees with Bush's stance on capital spending. A few of you were intrigued to learn that our dogs had an affiliation. Don’t yours?

Here’s Maxie doing his best Dick Cheney impression.

Here’s Bat hoping that the camera is a chew toy.