The Five Spot

I was chatting via email with one of my Canadian bloggy friends, Captain Dumbass, the other day and I asked him a few questions about his homeland. I mean, besides everyone owning a pet moose, free health care and polar bears, I didn't know much about our neighbor to the north. I asked the Captain if I could interview him for my Five Spot. I set up a translator and everything. I was later told that they speak English up there. Who knew?

I asked him to send a picture of himself, you know, to help paint a clearer picture about who he really is. He described himself to me as "tallish, Canadian, educated and prone to asking a lot of questions". So I googled him. Here he is.

Canada's own, Alex Trebek, beloved host of Jeopardy? It now made perfect sense that he sent all his responses to me in the form of a question. Here goes...

1. Who the hell do you think you are?
I am a man of constant sorrow. I'm a little teapot. I'm every woman. I'm not ready to make nice. I'm the black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks. I got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack. I am woman, hear me roar.

2. Why did you start blogging and why won't you stop? For the love of everything we hold dear, why won't you stop?
I started blogging as a way to let my family know that I was still alive since it's so damned hard to pick up the phone. No. They don't care about me. I started blogging so I could tell my family about the kids and what they were up to without having to call and email pictures all the time. I am sloth, hear me sigh.

Then I realized that they weren't looking at the blog at all but I was enjoying writing and that little counter thingy kept climbing. I am a whore for attention, which is why I won't stop.

3. What's your favorite fruit?*
I'm partial to grapes that have been crushed and fermented. Aside from that, as long as it doesn't belong to the melon family and it has been peeled and diced and whatever else... basically set before me so I only have to eat it, I like that kind of fruit. Berries are good. Mangos. Did you know pineapples grow in the ground? Supreme Leader enjoys that one. We had our honeymoon in Maui. We were driving to the north side of the island one day and went through a pineapple plantation. I'm all like,"What's that?" and she's all, "Those are pineapples you fool. Where did you think they grew? In trees?" and I'm like "....." and she's like, "Did you really think they grew on trees?" and I was like, "I grew up in Canada! Pineapples come from Safeway." She's never let that one go. But really, you ever stop to think about where a pineapple comes from? Oh, and I hate durian. Anything that smells like a rotting corpse? Not so much. I like my corpses fresh.

(*I should point out, here that the Captain must have not understood my question. I actually asked him "What's your favorite music group?" He went into such detail about fruits that I didn't have the heart to tell him about his gaffe.)

4. Most embarrassing moment? (besides the fruit question above)
In the last hour? Since I got up this morning? You'll have to be more specific. Seriously, I have no embarrassing moments. Every last detail is carefully orchestrated. My life is synchronized like a NASA pre-launch routine, like an 80's Paula Abdul video, like... something Swiss. A watch or something. Bank maybe.

5. Besides 'Captain Dumbass' is there another nickname that personifies you?
Rapscallion.

It was at this point when I thanked the Captain for his time. I had all I needed. He shot me back an email and demanded that I continue the interview. I replied back to him telling him that this post is called The Five Spot for a reason. A few moments later, another email from him claiming that the exchange rate in Canada is higher than it is in the US now. My five questions would have to become ten.

Ladies, as tempting as the Captain may seem to you now, I’d hold off on map questing directions to his home. I mean, who doesn't love a guy who can wax poetic about a pineapple for like the longest paragraph ever? But remember, the Captain is married. He claims his wife, Supreme Leader, rules him with her pimp hand. I had to explain to him that this is concept would be lost on us Americans. You see, here, the much needed smack down and occasional waterboarding Supreme Leader uses are considered mere enhanced interrogation techniques.

6. Six words Supreme Leader would use to describe you.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid man!

7. What's the most masculine thing you've ever done?

Way back in the day I was out on my first horse back ride a my high school girlfriend. We were heading down this path that led into a steep ravine. Drop on one side, steep slope up the side of the mountain on the other. Something spooked my girlfriends horse, probably a rattlesnake, and it took off up the slope. Mine followed right behind it. As I was holding on for dear life I could see that her saddle was beginning to slide off and a fall in that situation would have been really bad. I kicked my horse into a faster run, caught the reins of her horse and stopped it. First and last time on a horse.

Oddly enough, when pressed for further details about this "mystery girl" and the horsey date, the Captain caved in, admitted he embellished the story and began sobbing like a baby. I was shocked because; a) I could actually hear him sobbing via email, and b) He falsified that story! Turns out he only was walking a dog with his cousin when a squirrel spooked them. He ended up running away and ditching the poor girl and her dog.

8. What's the most feminine thing you've ever done? Don't lie this time.
I got Supreme Leader a spa package for both of us on her last birthday. I had a pedicure. First and last time I'll have a pedicure. (Although, seriously, my feet looked fantastic the first time I wore sandals this year)

I fact checked this with Supreme Leader. Totally true, with one exception. He's had three pedicures since.

9. What other questions did you lie about? Feel free to rectify your answers here.
All of them. You've emailed the wrong person. I have no idea who this Captain Dumbass person is. Who's the dumbass now?

10. Describe your website in ten words or less.
People's evidence, exhibit A.

There you have it folks. If you like what you read here, and for some reason want to know more about a guy with an affinity for pedicures and pineapples, head on over to Us and Them. I promise you won't be disappointed. Well, not pinky-swear promise, but you know...

The Five Spot

I'm not here today. I'm lingering over at The Stiletto Mom today guest posting while she prances on a sandy beach in her Manolos. I'm not sure if you're supposed to capitalize the word "Manolo", but I think Stiletto Mom would have wanted it that way.

For today's Five Spot, I'm listing the five reasons you should check out The Stiletto Mom today and every day.

1. She is a bitch on heels. Her words, not mine. I happen to think she's lovely.

2. I peed my pants while reading her story about her grace, or lack thereof, in an elevator.

3. I admitted to peeing and she embraced me anyway. (Clarification: The embrace was a cyber embrace only. The Stiletto Mom said she wasn't going anywhere near my pee pants)

3. She peed when she sneezed. (Sweet vindication or result of child birth?)

4. Did you see earlier when I said she prances in sand IN HEELS? That's no easy trick. She deserves your love, and maybe a sturdy pair of flip flops.

5. If enough of my readers visit her, she'll give each of us a pair of Jimmy Choos.* (just leave your shoe size in the comments)

*So I totally made reason number 5 up. However, Stiletto Mom IS in Mexico, maybe she could bring us back some designer knock offs. Jimmy Chuze, perhaps?

**I can't stress enough that Stiletto Mom never promised us designer shoes. But I'm totally leaving her my shoe size just in case.

Click here to go over to The Stiletto Mom.

The Five Spot (Formerly The Friday Five)

More than a week ago, I thought I'd post a little list about my mother. Blogger had different plans for me. It was all, "Oh no you don't, girlfriend." *snap, snap* (insert neck roll here)

Long story short, Blogger took my precious post away. I then posted this mini rant on my experience. Shortly there after I received several emails titled YOUR MOM. All I could think was ARE YOU PEOPLE REALLY THROWING 'YO MOMMA' JOKES AT ME AT A TIME LIKE THIS? (That totally would have been cool with me and sooo funny.) But no. You were all very nice and supportive. A few of you even got to read it before it vanished.

Then out of nowhere, Christina over at The Bigger They Get sent a kind email with a copy of my missing post in the body of her message. I'd never met Christina, so for someone to be that completely kind to another stranger just floored me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm offering you, here and now, free babysitting for an entire year. Just fly me out to your home (your expense of course), put me, my husband and kids up at your house (again, on your dime), cover other incidentals and I'll totally do it.

Also, my dear friend at Us and Them could hear my sobs all the way up there in the frozen tundra they call Canada and took mercy upon my sorry soul. He sent my mom this beautiful flower to console her. What a nice guesture. My mom is sure to love this.

But, dude, you have so never met me in person. After you do, you will know that my mom needs more than one flower (allbeit, huge as it is) to console her for the thirty-sithurmth years I've tortured her.

I am amazed at the kindess of you folks out there. Thank you for giving me back the ability to embarass my mom as she reads this tomorrow morning with her co-workers. Here's original her five courtesy of Saint Christina.

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Oh Internets, I couldn't stay away for long. While I sat under my heap of unwashed laundry I heard you calling me. Actually, I think it was my mom. I heard her voice on my answering machine saying, "Jennifer? Your blob says you'll be gone for a while. I just saw you last week. You didn't tell me you were going anywhere."

Yes, my mom calls steenky bee a "blob". I try not give her a hard time about it because she pimps it out to everyone. When she retires, I'm thinking of asking her to approach strangers in the store to ask them if they wouldn't mind giving steenky bee a read. If I gave her a shopping allowance, she'd totally do it.

This week's Five Spot will be dedicated to my mom. I shall share five trivial, yet lovable, things about my mom with total strangers.

1. She gets excited over just about anything. My mom is a bubbly person and just about anything will make her happy. She called me at work a few years ago to tell me how excited she was about KFC's new chicken bowls. Yes, the lady was stoked about potatoes, gravy, corn and chicken mixed together in a plastic bowl. I'm telling you, she's not high maintenance in the entertainment department.

Just last week she and I had a girl date filled with shopping, lunching and movie watching. You'd think the movie or time spent with me would be the highlight for her. But no, when she picked me up the first thing she said to me was, "If we hurry with all our errands then we can even go to the POST OFFICE!" I've never seen anyone so eager to get to the post office. All she had to do was mail two bills, but still, she did it with such enthusiasm.

2. My mom loves anything with a leopard print pattern. Seriously. Name it and she's got it. I've exhausted my search for all thing leopard for her. She has every shoe, every scarf, bag, skirt, picture frame, notebook, pencil, glove, everything. She doesn't wear all these things together, but her collection of feline accessories is so deep, any major league baseball team would be jealous of her rotation.

3. My mom loves a good perfume. She has the largest collection of perfume I've ever seen. I'm. Not. Kidding. Christmas time is a a big holiday for her perfume-wise. Toward the end of the unwrapping of presents, the rest of the family sits by at watches her unwrap bottle after bottle of the smelly stuff. She gets equally excited about each bottle too. With every new fragrance she opens, she must take the perfume out of the box, remove the lid and sniff. Each time she'll slowly say the name of the fragrance out loud, "Beautiful, by Estee Lauder!" Then, after she smells it, she says, "Mmm. It smells so good!" Every bottle. Every time. I never get tired of it.

4. She is a shoe and hand bag hoarder. Imedla Marcos would be jealous of her collection. About six months ago my parents heard a loud crash come from their bedroom. They rushed in but couldn't see anything the matter. But upon closer inspection, of one of my dear mother's four closets (yes, count 'em, four!) had collapsed due to the weight of her collection of shoes and hand bags. Needless to say, my mom spent days reorganizing and cleaning up that mess. In the end, her assessment was that she had a few too many red hand bags, but she had let her black hand bag collection lapse.

Internets, you should know that when I turned 18, I left for a college six hours away. My dad was distraught and sad to see me go. I thought my mom felt the same. She kept coming into my room, sometimes when I'd be sleeping, and just look around. At the time I thought it was sweet. She was going to miss me. She would stand in my room and just take a mental note of all my belongings trying to keep the memory of me with her always. At least that's what I assumed at the time.

However, when I returned home in the fall for a visit I was surprised to see that my mom had overtaken my room and turned it into a staging place for her collection of pant suits and dressers full of jewelry. She hadn't been stalking my room back then in an effort to keep me close to her. She had been sneaking in to prepare for her fourth closet. I always wondered why she had that tape measure with her.*

(*The last two paragraphs may not be entirely true. My room was, in fact, only her third closet and she waited until Christmas break to take over my room.)

5. My mom is an incredibly good sport. Really she is. I've teased her mercilessly in person for years and she always managed to laugh along. Now, I'm teasing her openly on the interweb and I expect she's sitting there laughing along like always. I love you, Mom.