How Did I End Up With This Hot Dog?

Lately, Jeremy and I have been having a little trouble communicating with each other. It started a few weeks ago when he asked me if we could take a quick drive across town to pick up a spare set of car keys to his father’s Accord so he could drive it the following week while our truck was being serviced.

On my life, that is what he asked me.

Below, is what Jeremy, the Delusional One, claims he asked me...

“Jen, Sweetheart, mother of my children and favored lover of mine, would you be so kind to drive me to the Les Schwab Tire Center so I can spend 30 minutes drooling over rims and tires we don’t need, and watch me talk about transmissions, big game hunting and NCAA basketball with a stranger working the customer service counter? Please try to keep the children entertained. They like sitting still and the smell of galvanized rubber right?”

“Then, Light of my Life, would you shuttle me to the Dodge dealership to price shop for parts while I talk with a service technician named Dale and review the finer points of tying your own flies for fishing? Don’t be alarmed if I follow him into the service bay and disappear for twelve minutes. Dale, keeps his fly collection at his work station. I’ll still see you through the plexiglas window that separates the waiting room from the bay. And I’m going to think it’s adorable watching you wrestle both Henry and Reese simultaneously especially when you let them pull at your hair like that. I’ll be sure to wink and wave at you when you mouth the words ‘I want you NOW!*’ to me from across the way. Aw, Sugarlumps, after all these years, I’m hot for you too.”

* Let it be known, in reality, I mouthed the words, ‘We’re leaving NOW’. It was most definitely a threat and not a come on.

“Then, my love, I’ll sweep you off to a magical place, because surely you and the children will be hungry by now. Have you ever heard of Hot Dog Heaven? Well I have, and it’s delightful. Don’t let the location in a poorly lit, suspect strip mall color your opinion of what you are about to experience. Sure the guy working the counter may be a bit on the ornery and slightly unkempt side, but that’s all part of his charm. He packs a mean Chicago Dog according to Utah standards. Trust me, Snookums, you won’t be disappointed.”

“What’s that Honeybuns? You say Reese has just made a present in her diaper and you didn’t pack extras because you had no idea you’d be away from home for three hours? Don’t you worry your nappy little head. I’ll run to the store up the street and fetch a package of diapers that will be two sizes too small. I will forget to buy wipes. You just wait here with the hungry kids for our food. Go ahead and start without me…if you can. Because little do you know, I’m taking my wallet and the car with your purse locked inside. You won’t have any means to pay for the food until I return. Fifteen minutes later.”

“And Lover Nugget, once we’ve finished our slightly cold food, it’s time for the final act of the night. We just need to drive down the road to pick up the spare set of car keys from my father so I can drive his Accord while our truck is being serviced next week.”

That little misunderstanding up there? Cost me more than three hours of my life and way too many calories. But have no worries. Next week, unbeknownst to Jeremy, he will accompany me to purse party and a Mary Kay open house. As far as he knows, I just have to “swing” by a friend’s house for one hot minute.

A Rambling Post That Goes Nowhere Really Fast But Mentions Urine, Poison And The Economy So You Might Want To Read It Anyway

The other day, Jeremy told me that our love reminded him of a song by Ratt titled You’re in Love, but when I heard him say those words I thought he said Urine Love and I was all, “Why the h*ll would our love remind him of urine?” Offended, I then gave my husband the silent treatment for about three hours and thought of ways to poison his food without implicating myself in any way. I realize that by writing this here, I may cause myself some problems in the future if Jeremy does accidentally choke on a burrito or eats bad hummus that does him in. All ten of you will likely turn me in, and since I have a previous record, the law may not look too kindly on me.

But rest assured, before I actually purchased the strychnine for my husband's hummus, I had a moment of clarity and realized that I need to keep focused on the bigger picture here. Urine doesn’t bother me, not one bit. The fact that he still listens to Ratt, a second-tier 80's hair band at best, is perhaps the most troubling thing for me.

This got me to thinking, if urine doesn’t bother me, then I am either very laid back or I have much bigger troubles. I’m definitely not laid back, so what else is bothering me? Well, for one, the economy is in the crapper and the entire construction industry has taken a giant dump. This does not bode well for the Steenky family who make their livelihoods in architecture.

Can I confess something to you? The economy has me terrified. Jeremy and I both feel so lucky to have our jobs right now. We’ve had to have some pretty pointed discussions lately and have yet to decide which one of us should be voted out of the family in the event of hard times, barring any unforeseen tragedy with a burrito or poisoned hummus. I’m pretty sure if the family had to take a vote at this point, it would be extremely close. Jeremy buys Henry lots of treats and he’s got one of the dogs on his side too. I, on the other hand have both cats firmly in my camp and, depending on the day, the other dog. Reese is the wild-card here. On the one hand, she really likes her cuddle time with me, but that's no match for the thrill she gets when she plays with Jeremy's eye glasses. In order to preserve my position in my family, I have resorted to wearing my glasses as much as possible and throwing candy at Henry whenever we're together. Henry's never been happier but Jeremy is starting to ask a lot of questions. Every vote counts, right?

But for now, no vote is needed because Jeremy and I both still have our jobs. But I'm not sure for how long. I'd like to think we're safe from any layoffs, but you just never know. Lucky for Jeremy, he's been working several angles to preserve his position at work. For example, Jeremy has himself a work husband. And this work husband? He has some clout. He's the CFO of our firm and Jeremy's closest friend in the office. I often find them huddled together in the corner talking about baseball, fishing, cars and tennis shorts.

But I'm fearful that Jeremy's recent antics may have jeopardized any favored status he has with the CFO. You see, a few months ago, Jeremy sneaked down to the parking garage at work and switched out the rear license plate frame on his work husband's new convertable Mustang from the stock frame to a custom-ordered one that reads “My other ride is your mom”.

Oh, we all had a good laugh a few weeks later when the CFO eventually found it, but now I'm just a little nervous. I told Jeremy last night that I thought maybe it was a bad idea that he switched the frame on our boss' car and let him drive around for weeks advertising that he's hot for mothers. He nodded in agreement and confessed that the frame was a tad bit inappropriate. He went on to explain that since his buddy drives a convertible, it would have been better to order the "When I get hot I take my top off" frame instead. He assures me that he'll never make that mistake again.


Folks, I now must leave you with that rambling story for pretty much the remainder of the month. I KNOW. What am I doing? Well, let me tell you what I'm doing. I'm going to take a short breather and spend some quality time with my family. All that 30 posts in 30 days stuff just wore me ragged. I didn't even participate in that beast of a challenge, but visiting you all that did participate and reading all your amazing posts led me to neglect my home and personal grooming habits. Seriously, I think I went two weeks without shaving.


I have two guest posts scheduled for this month (Oscarelli and Tracy Kaply, Inc.) and I'll post links here on the days that they run. I'm sure I'll give in and sneak a few posts in here and there, but for the remainder of the year it will be at random. Even though I'm taking a mini break from writing, that in no way implies that I'll be taking the same sort of break from stalking all of you and harassing you endlessly.

Secret? Not So Much.

Remember Jeremy's revelation about The Secret? Last week, Jeremy had another encounter with that lonely stretch of highway near Henefer. Remember when he happened upon the bungee cord that he desperately needed to fix our rental car bumper? And remember he thought to himself, if only the universe will grant a wish for some sort of binding material to secure our bumper? Remember when he found one lonely bungee cord along the side of the highway?

Fast forward to last week when our flux capacitor (that's what I call all engine parts) in our truck went out. No big deal, it was some sort of fuel module and it was under warranty. Anyway, while Jeremy was waiting for the tow truck to come pick him up he leaned against the same guard rail where he rested at a few weeks ago. As he looked down he noticed a pile of bungee cords laying there. Turns out, the secret wish for a bungee cord that Jeremy threw into the universe was no happy accident. The combination of windy highway roads and bumpy terrain makes for good bungee cord extraction conditions.

Keep wishin'!

All That He Wants

If you're an avid reader of the blog, then you know now that Jeremy has a habit of finding random gadgets that he would like to own such as the Scooler or the Tail Gator. Don't even think he's let the dream of that Scooler die. The other day we saw a 13 year old boy paddling along on his foot scooter and Jeremy said to me, "You know what that kid is missing? A cooler and a small motor." I argued that we should invest in a Vespa instead that we could carry cool beverages and other accouterments on our trendy mini bike. He wasn't hearing any of it. Apparently he doesn't think a Vespa comes with any sort of storage whatsoever and he thinks he'll have to bugee cord his cooler to the seat. Which still begs the question, where exactly is he going that requires so many cool beverages?

So, Monday, I'm being extra worky at work because we sort of have a deadline approaching. I see that I have an email from Jeremy with "Check THIS Out!!!" in the subject line. Wow. Three exclamaition points. This is serious. I open the message up. Here is what I found.

The Coleman Fishpen™ is the amazing fishing pole that lets you fish anytime. This telescoping fishing rod is quality fishing gear that performs! The complete system has been machine crafted using state of the art precision technology. The super strong telescoping composite rod extends to let you enjoy fishing when ever you feel like it. The casting reel has been engineered with brass finish, to perform reliably and conveniently.

Get yours quickly. The ad also said that supplies were limited and to "act fast".

Wishful Thinking

Shhh...Secret
Thursday Jeremy was driving our super-duper rental car on the freeway near Henefer when he suddenly heard and felt a loud thump. He pulled to the side of the road, walked around to the passenger side of the car and noticed that the front right bumper had pulled apart from the car. He thought to himself that this would be an easy fix if he only had some rope or other binding material handy. Something then told him to walk over to the guard rail to think for a minute. He looked down and dah, dah, dah (dramatic music)…there appeared a small bungee cord lying in the dirt. Coincidence? No. Divine inspiration? No. The Secret? Yes!

When Jeremy told me this story, I knew that indeed The Secret’s most powerful law was in effect that morning. Jeremy told me that there were miles and miles of freeway and he chose that small stretch to pull over. Wow. No one in the history of histories has ever found a rope or a bungee cord on the freeway!


If you don’t already know, the book (scam) The Secret claims to reveal the most powerful law in the universe to anyone for $29.95. Apparently it is such a well kept secret that is was just recently uncovered and placed on late night infomercial television, just like all he prophets, seers and saviors predicted it would.

So I must go now. I must go and wish really, really hard for thin thighs, lustrous hair and a teeny tiny waist. Wish me luck! No wait, I don’t need it, for I have found….The Secret.

Even More Secrets
As Jeremy and I began discussing (laughing) about The Secret he mentioned that he was going to place additional wishes out into the Universe and wait for them to come to him. Here's Jeremy's ongoing list of things he would like the Universe to deliver to him (preferably before May. His words not mine)

Nathan's Hot Dogs. According to Jeremy, these are the most powerful hot dogs in the Universe.


Still the Scooler. His dream of driving around with a cooler welded to a scooter lives on.



Also this gas powered blender, an ultimate party machine. I hope it has a pull cord as a starting mechanism. He wants to fire up this bad boy while camping or hanging out in our garage.


**Update on Jeremy's 2-day held belief of The Secret: Last week around 11:45 am Jeremy was hoping the company would spring for Sugarhouse Barbeque to be delivered to our office for a lunch meeting. He told me if The Secret was true that he would be eating a pulled pork sandwich in 15 minutes. Twenty minutes later he walked past my desk holding a Jason's Deli lunch box and said, "Oh, yeah. The Secret sucks."