The End

Well, I guess we all saw this one coming, and I’m not talking about the Hoff as a cast member on the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars either. But come on, it was only a matter of time before that singin’-boozin’ German made it to the dance floor. No, I’m actually talking about the end of this here blog.

Yeppers. I’m doing it. I’m officially pulling the plug. This blog has been on life support for far too long and it would just be cruel to let it flounder any further.

But before I go, I want to thank everyone who read me through the years. Thank you for always saying the kindest and most supportive things. Many of you I consider good friends and I’ve never even met you face to face. I cherish every word you left on my website and laughed out loud at your witty observations. I have been especially touched as of late by my presence overseas in Japan, China and the UK. Recently, not a day has gone by that Happy Town Good For You Products has left me heartfelt comments like, “I really enjoy reading happy observations of your criminal dogs.”

WTF Happy Town? I don’t own criminal dogs. I’m beginning to think you’re not even reading me very closely. So you know what Happy Town? This last post isn’t for you. It’s for my friends and loved ones and parole officer to read.

So I say to you (friends, loved ones and court appointed associate), thank you, thank you for everything. You will be missed on this website.

But don’t think, for one minute, that I’m planning on retiring with any dignity or grace. No. That just wouldn’t be my style. I still plan on still doing my part to clutter up the internet on Facebook with my observations on why I find bananas unintentionally hilarious and post pictures of my hair on really, really bad days.

Beef and Broccoli

I'm guest posting today over at Ca-Joh's site. He's good people. He's also out of town, hence the guest posting gig I landed.

If you want to hear all about how beef and broccoli changed my plans entirely for the evening, go here. If you want to continue living an unfulfilled life void of all meaning, well, then by all means, stay here. But if I were you, I would go with the beef and broccoli thing.

Tea Baggin', Dancin' and Shaunin'

It's Tuesday and I'm feeling random today. Get on board with Super Keely’s Tuesday’s Random Thoughts. If you're not doing it, you're doing it wrong. Here goes:

Yesterday, my morning Facebook status was Am I the only person who is actually a fan on Mondays? According to my friends that commented, apparently I am. I can't believe how rigorous you all are in your hatred for Mondays. Now, if we could all somehow channel that hatred into something a little more constructive, say like getting rid of pleated pants, well...then I could definitely see myself joining the bandwagon.

Speaking of bandwagons...

Today there is a Tea Bagger Express rally here in Utah. I'd really like to go if for no other reason than to get my face on Fox News and to tell the organizer folks that they should have googled the term "Tea Bagging" a little more thoroughly before they married themselves to the name. Come on people, urbandictionary.com is your friend. Use it.

Certain people have been asking me if I have given up my obsessive crush on Shaun White since I haven't talked about him for a while. Let me address those people directly:

No, Jeremy, I haven't given up on the ridiculous dream (your words, not mine) that Shaun White will stop by our house after a day of hittin' the half-pipe. I will also not give up hope that The Shaun will tell me I make the most delicious chicken curry casserole he's ever tasted and ask if he can move into our basement. It could happen. Think of the income supplementing possibilities here. I'm doing this for our family. Stop being so selfish, Jeremy.

Also, I fully recognize that "hittin' the half-pipe" sounds somewhat dirty, just like "tea bagging" did a few paragraphs ago. Believe me, the irony is not lost on me here.

Another also, this happened at work the other day during a moment of low-productivity.

Actually, this has happened many times during many days. My girl Jessica just happened to capture it on film.

I've wrangled Jeremy into watching Dancing With The Stars (DWTS) with me this season. Every time Evan Lysacek waltzes onto the stage (Get it? Waltzes?) I secretly hope that Evgeni Plushenko and his hipster mullet pirouettes in front of the camera and tries to claim victory over Evan on a reality television show. Not that I don't love The Evan, because, for the love of spray-tanner, I do. He's my pick this season, but I just can't resist beating that joke to death. At the very least, the Evgeni vs Evan DWTS drama would make for an awesome SNL skit.

Well, that's about all I have rattling around in my brain right now. I've been overwhelmed by trying to console Jeremy through the whole Sandra Bullock-Jessie James fiasco. See, besides Susie-Down-The-Street, Sandy is the other girl on his "Kitchen Pass" card for celebrity-neighbor hook-ups.

300

Here is the the second half of my 300th Post Extravaganza. Today, it's all about the ladies representin' and asking questions of me...

First up is Pamela from The Dayton Time. She and I first crossed paths over soap nuts. I kid you not. She quickly became one of my favorites. Pamela and her husband The Mister are making a run to be the next Jon and Heather Armstrong.

Pamela’s Question: I would like to know if you, yourself, have ever fried sausage in bacon grease?

My Answer: Honestly, reading this question, let alone envisioning the prospect, made me dry heave a little bit and caused my cholesterol to shoot through the roof. This also sounds dangerous. All I'm sayin' is I hope Pamela and The Mister were fully clothed when they attempted this culinary feat. I mean, think of the splatter in unfortunate places people.Tracy of Kaply, Inc. and I go back well over three years. She’s sarcastic, feisty and awesome all wrapped up in one hot package. She describes herself as witty, humorous and almost creepy. Honey, I couldn't agree more.

Tracy’s Question: What or who was it that made you start blogging? Did you read others before you began writing?

My Answer: Like everyone else, I set out to be a blogger because I heard it would clear up my skin and bring me instant fame and fortune. Sadly, only one of those things has happened since I began writing on the internet. I had no idea that I would find such a wonderful network of people whom I consider close friends even though some of us have never met face to face. Too bad, you should really see my skin up close. It’s soft and supple now, or as Henry calls it, “squishy”.

Jen of Blissfully Caffeinated and I found each other four years ago. She has given me friendship, joy, coupons and some questionable birthday greetings over that time period. If you ask her what I’ve given her, I’m sure she’d tell you that I’ve given her a complex and an unsightly rash.

Jen’s Question: Can I be your sister wife? Also? From one curly headed gal to another, what hair product/routine do you use to tame that mane? How did you and Jeremy meet?

My Answer: Phew! Jen sure is curious isn’t she? Well, I am always searching out additional sister wife. So, welcome aboard. Girlfriend, I look forward to braiding your hair after our delicious casserole dinner.

As for my hair? It’s simple. Minimal shampoos, maximum leave-in conditioners and I love, love my diffuser. I use an old jersey t-shirt to towel dry my hair so as to not break the natural curl pattern and I pray every night before bed to the picture I have of Diana Ross, the Patron Saint of Curly Hair, to have a good hair day the next day.

And as for how Jeremy and I met? Well, like most couples, we met at work when he caught me making multiple copies of Diana Ross’ picture on the office copier. In order to distract him, I asked him on a date to Lagoon (a local amusement park). He said Maybe. I laughed and said, No really, what time are we going? We ended up hitting it off and kept our “romance” a secret from everyone but a few people in management. When we mailed out our wedding announcements, I kid you not, most people at work thought it was a joke. They couldn’t understand what a quiet, intelligent guy like Jeremy was doing with a quirky, frizzy chick like me.

We had a massive turn out at our wedding from the office folks. I think they came just to see if Jeremy would actually go through with it.

Thank you to everyone who participated in my questions and thank you for reading me. It means more to me than you know.

299

Today marks my 299th post. Not very impressive if you count the fact that I've been blogging for 4 years. I wish I could say it's all about quality, not quantity, but who am I kidding? You've read my stuff. It's not quality.

I decided to call upon my oldest bloggy friends, the ones I first met on the interweb and asked them to help a sister out. I asked each blogger to send me a question, any question, and I would answer it on site to commemorate my 300th post milestone. As is typical, my responses are a bit wordy, so I've divided this post into two portions. The sacred 300 will be up later in the week.

1. The first question comes from one of my dearest friends, Captain Dumbass of Us and Them. He is the third blogger I ever commented on. The first person ignored me. The second person ignored me WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE. (I still haven’t gotten over that one.) But the Captain? He replied right back and the rest is history.

Captain’s Question: Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Osmond family?

My Answer: All Utahans can either trace their lineage directly to an Osmond or they become what is known as a “Naturalized Osmond”. This event happens unknowingly when you cross the county line into Utah County, childhood home of Donny and Marie.

Of course, if you can directly trace your lineage to either side of the Osmond family (you’re either a little bit country or a little bit rock-n-roll), you are considered sort of pseudo royalty here in the land of Zion.

2. The amazing Kat of 3 Bedroom Bungalow was my first girl bloggy friend. I may have loved her too hard because she found it necessary to pick up her family and move across the pond to a foreign country to get away from me. Le Sigh.

Kat’s Question: What are the best and worst parts about living in Utah?

My Answer: I would say the worst part is the fact that it is still not legal to own a monkey or even transport a monkey in the state of Utah. But I hear the State Legislature is going to debate this soon in an upcoming joint session so, let’s hear it for the primates, people.

The best part of about living in Utah would have to be what I call the “3 Ms”; Mommy Bloggers, Mountains and, *fingers crossed*, one day, Monkeys.

3. During our first email correspondence, Jen Cohen, aka, Sprite’s Keeper, told me she didn’t think there was enough room for two Jen’s on the internet. In reality, she is the sweetest person out there.

Jen’s Question: If you had to give up one part of your body, appendage, organ, whatever, be creative! what would it be and how would you get along without it?

My Answer: I don’t think I could voluntarily give up any body part. I’ve got 20 pounds I’m looking to lose, but you can’t give those things away. Believe me, I’ve tried.

4. I found Jen Pompi of Oscarelli while stalking a very windy blog (you know the one). Her avatar picture and her witty comments over there caught my eye. I just had to be friends with her.

Oscarelli’s Question: What is the one thing that Steenky readers don't know about you that would surprise them?

My Answer: Remember my whole “I can’t dance very well” post where I graphically showed you that I couldn’t dance?

Well, that’s only partly true. Oh, I have the worse white girl overbite when I shake my money maker in da club, but I was actually quite an accomplished trained dancer in my younger years. I was involved ballet, jazz, tap, and gymnastics ages 4 thru 22. I competed in several national dance championships both individually and as part of a team. (My mom has a trophy wall!) After I finished my "dancing career", I went on to harshly judge both team and individual dance competitions. I hoped that my career as a judge would land me lucrative endorsements, or at the very least bribery money from desperate stage moms, but all I received was minimal compensation and the realization that when someone works gun fingers into a routine I will give you extra points every time.

So jazz hands? Yeah, I got wicked jazz hands.

Questions 5, 6 and 7 will be up later in the week. Thanks for tuning in even though I've been out for a little bit!

Most of All, I'll Miss the Flushing

Our office is in the middle of a huge, multi-phased move this week. Things are chaotic and highly stressful. Needless to say, the posting / commenting on my end with be minimal and almost nonexistent for the next little bit. For this, I apologize in advance.

If you’ve read Steenky Bee any length of time, you may already know that both Jeremy and I work in the architectural industry. Our firm is retrofitting an old abandoned Bally’s Fitness Center and redesigning it to be the highest rated sustainable building in Utah. (LEED Platinum rating)*. We’re talking minimal lighting and HVAC usage, so basically, I’ll be working in the dark, sweating and/or freezing (depending on the season) and fussing with low-flow toilets. (I think we can all collectively agree that no one likes public toilets. The only saving grace they offer is their powerful flushing prowess. Well, starting next week, I can kiss that perk goodbye.)

Besides the tragedies that are bound to happen in the new office rest rooms, the firm's management is extremely proud of our redesigned space and what it will mean for our sustainable design practice in the future. The employee's, however, are most proud of the fact that we now have an assigned space for the office ping-pong table. IS AWESOME.

Back to the move… Amidst all the moving bins, and riveting meetings on parking procedures and access card policy to our new building, I did find something that peaked my interest. For the past three weeks or so, employees have been encouraged to organize their desks and rid their personal space of any clutter.

The project managers of the move designated a table on the west side of our office for employees to place unwanted items that are still in reasonably good condition. Items on this table are free and up for grabs for anyone who wants them, first come-first serve.

Tuesday, I had just finished flushing the last of several incriminating documents down the industrial strength toilets (goodbye old friend) when I found a few extra minutes on my hands. I decided to browse the selection of unwanted items to see if I could give any of them a home. Boy, am I glad I did.

Witness the items free for the taking on the west side.

A flask. At work. IS ALSO AWESOME.

Now, I must go. They just announced a meeting to reveal the location of the parking spaces for the employees that drive a hybrid vehicle to work every day. (I told you we were being green.) No word on where the designated space for my bitchin’ Camaro will be. I'll keep you posted.

*Somewhere back east, Irish Gumbo is shedding a tear filled with pride.