September 19, 2008

The Friday Five

So, I'm still kind of not speaking to Blogger. After a much needed rest, I decided to post this afternoon. I wrote a witty, funny Friday Five list about my mother, whom I love. Blogger decided to take my post, gnaw on a portion of it then spit it back at me. This was about my mother. She is a saint. The saint of all things leopard print, but still a saint, nonetheless.

So instead of reconstructing my words, I've decided to do a new quick and dirty Friday Five. I'm not even going to spell check it. Here goes....

So every couple has had the talk about "the list" haven't they? You know, the one where you each reveal the five celebrities that you would like your spouse to give you permission to sleep with in the event that you ever ran into them? Jeremy and I had this talk a few months back and we just couldn't come to an agreement on our lists. After you read below, I think you'll understand why.

I took the assignment of coming up with a list very seriously. I did research. I collected data. I even calculated the odds of actually running into these celebrities. I asked Jeremy for an extension on turning my list over to him because I wanted it to be perfect. Here's what I eventually settled on after weeks of inner contemplation and internet research:

1. Gary Oldman. I heart him. He's not the most attractive celebrity, but there is something about him I dig. Also, Uma Thurman dug him once enough to marry him so he can't be all that bad.
2. James Gandolfini. Okay, so he isn't even remotely hot. I definitely don't want to sleep with him. But I would like to just sit in a diner, while he's in the Tony Soprano character, and just breath really heavily and talk all nasally to me. It's something about his power. I just want to have lunch with the guy.
3. David Duchovny. Well, at least until a few weeks ago. Now snagging him just seems like it wouldn't even be a challenge. So, my new #3 is Luke Wilson. Only, I really don't want to sleep with him either. I just want to go bowling with him. He seems really laid back and the lesser of a gamble as far as the Wilson brothers go.
4. Viggo Mortenson. But only when he's dirty like in Hidalgo. When he cleans up and gets himself into a suit he just loses all appeal to me. Maybe he could just come over and do yard work or something for me.
5. James Hetfield. So I know the lead singer of Metallica isn't a dream boat or anything, but still, he's got something that I want. It's not his body, his face or anything like that. I just want to hear him growl at me. It sounds weird, but if you've ever heard a Metallica song, you'd totally get it.

So that's my list. I deliberated over it for weeks. I proudly turned it over to Jeremy and asked him if he'd been working on his. He smiled and said that, indeed, he had. He then grabbed a pen and paper and began writing furiously. I waited anxiously for his list.

Within seconds he was finished. He scooped up his paper, walked over to the refrigerator and stuck his list proudly on the door for me to see. I ran over and pushed him out of the way to get a better look. Here is what Jeremy's list looked like:

1. Susie from down the street.
2. ----
3. ----
4. ----
5. ----

Burn. On me.

Also, there is no Susie from down the street. That I know of.

27 comments:

HeatherPride said...

Does Jeremy blog? Because I bet his would be almost as funny as yours! That was a good one, you gotta admit.

Also, I'm disappointed that we don't share any of the same 5. Here I thought we had so much in common....

Although I might give you the Gandolfini one.

Captain Dumbass said...

Oh damn! Burnt! Jeremy is awesome. I agree that the five takes careful consideration though. We don't have a five. Sigh. Again I have more bloodshed to deal with. I'm coming back though.

for a different kind of girl said...

Viggo...long hair, definitely dirty Viggo...is such a good thing (I assume).

My husband can't even come up with a list. He's all, "But I'd never cheat on you!", to which I respond "As if the chances of me running into the late Michael Hutchence of INXS are strong (but if they were, thanks for that one day pass, honey)."

Sherry said...

I've always had a thing for Mark Wahlberg. Only, the creepy bad boy "Fear" Mark Wahlberg, and not the old and boring "The Happening" Mark Wahlberg.

Tracy Lynn said...

Dude!TOTAL BURN! Awesome.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Ok, my husband and I each have a list and we take that shit seriously. If I ever am alone with John Mayer all bets are off.

I'm glad your list doesn't intersect with my list at all, because I can love you freely without any ugly jealousy from coveting someone on your list who is also on my list.

I guess your husband just isn't all that committed to making sure he can have celebrity sex if the opportunity arises. Which is an error in judgement is you ask me. 'Cause you have to be prepared.

Also - I missed you, glad you're back. :)

Bee said...

ha ha! I have told the hubs it can only be celebs because anybody "real" he has on it will die a slow torturous death!

My list is 10 and it changes constantly.

JuleeSLC said...

I soooo agree with your James Gandolfini choice. He's tough yet vulnerable. And I like your Dirty Viggo choice a la LOTR trilogy (not Dusty Viggo).

My own add: Barry Gibb. Probably 70s era Barry. Close your eyes, imagine him wearin' those smokin' tight white pants, singing "Staying Alive" with Maurice and Robin. Or "How Deep Is Your Love". Sigh.

Another add: Andy Gibb. But that's kind of morbid when I think about it. Since he died of a broken heart (I despise you, Victoria Principal). I seriously had a thing for him and still remember the day he died.

Picture him in a satin jacket, no shirt. Ahhh. I just wanted to be Andy's everything. Andy and Shaun Cassidy. Oh, I miss Tiger Beat magazine.

Jonny's Mommy said...

That is very funny...Men! I tell ya! This sounds like Hubby. Seriously....


I'm afraid my list doesn't match yours much at all...hmmmm....maybe I will have to ponder one. :-)

Blogger hates me too. At least on my crappy computer at home. When I try to post comments it screams 'error' at me...if it is on a blogger blog, which almost everyone is....darn you, Blogger!

The Stiletto Mom said...

Oh thank God you are back. I've been a total mess waiting for you because life without Steeky Bee? Not worth it. I've had a few drinks but tomorrow, I'll share my well thought out list with you since right now I'm listening to the Rolling Stones and still fixated on Mick (20 years ago) and I really think wine may be clouding my judgement.

The Stiletto Mom said...

Yeah, I totally mis-spelled your name. *hiccup* Shite.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Let's all post our lists. I'm so curious who is in everyone's 5. That sounded like a cell phone commercial.

Rhea said...

OH, the FIVE. We put those in our premarital agreement, signed and notarized by our attorneys.

Ellie said...

Ha! Hilarious. See Viggo Mortenson in "Eastern Promises" if you haven't yet. You will never look at a shower house or a tattoo the same way again....

Blogspot has been a bear lately. A bitch. A bitchy bear.

Bello (Buddy) Manjaro said...

I love Viggo dirty or clean. I'd love to take a bath with him, with bubbles, playing poker.

Sprite said...

David Duchovny. For years. And then he went and did that Californication show. Method actors, sheesh.

beth said...

You are better than me, 'cause I think I would start going door-to-door and not just your block, looking for Susie. (Did Jeremy just do the perfect burn or does this mystery lurk somewhere in the neighborhood!)

The Stiletto Mom said...

Um Jen? You need to fire me as a friend bc I didn't realize you were mentioned on the same Sunday roundup as me. I think I was far too involved in the blinding flash of the cameras, the crowds...you know how it is.

gingela5 said...

Haha I'm laughing about the Viggo Mortenson comment. I TOTALLY agree! he's so hot in Lord of the Rings (forced to watch it by the hubby) but in real life he's just a creepy looking guy!

Eternal Sunshine said...

LOL! My husband had a list, but he kicks them off the list when they reach 37 (which really pisses me off, 'cause what happens in a few years when Iturn 37? And why 37?), so there's not really anyone left on it except Scarlet Johanssen.

He's such a moron sometimes...
LOL!

Jenni said...

I used to think Viggo was hot, then I saw his vestigial tail in the staircase scene in History of Violence. I'm just not down with dude that have tails, be they of the vestigial or rat variety.

And I realize that by formally announcing my distain for vedtigial tails, my unborn child will now undoubtely have one. And I'll be getting that shit removed.

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