June 11, 2009

I Can't Believe I'm Not Bitter...About Things Other People Are Having Done to Them With Butter

Remember a few months ago when I entered a contest to become the official blogger at a local spa? Well, I didn’t get picked. I didn’t even make it as one of the five finalists. And the spa, the one whose name I will not say because they’ve already received enough free publicity and buzz from over 20 local bloggers, has yet to find the time to thank the participants or even notify those who were not selected. I discovered I wasn’t on the list from my bloggy friend Connie over at The Young and The Relentless. She didn’t make the cut either and had to hunt down the information from the spa herself.

Honestly, I wasn’t upset that I was not selected as a finalist. The decision was made the by the spa executives and they picked according to their personal preferences. My blog is definitely an acquired taste and I totally understand that not everyone is going to like everything I write.

You know, I can’t help but think the spa owners didn’t pick me because they were a little worried I would spend way too much time in front of the ladies room mirror lip syncing “Renegade” by Styx as I promised I would. Some people are so touchy. And by touchy, I mean lame.

I just re-read the first three paragraphs and I sound extremely bitter up there. Oh well, I’m leaving them the way they are. Meh, maybe I am a little on the bitter side. I’ll admit that on two separate occasions Jeremy and I drove by the spa and I shot that building dirty looks. Also, Jeremy may or may not (but definitely did) shout “SPA WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED, you can suck it!” as we sped by.*

But that’s it. I’m over it already.

Well, maybe not quite. As long as we’re coming clean, I might as well tell you that just this past Tuesday I typed up a false listing in the spa’s name on Craig’s List under the “Casual Encounters” section. Admit it, you’d do the exact same thing.

Stay with me folks, this is where my story finally gets interesting.

Yesterday I was running the final spell check on my Craig’s List revenge listing while rolling my hands together and doing my best maniacal Muawahaha! laugh when I noticed an email pop up from a stranger named Jodi. The first line in her email read: You don’t know me…and so I am sure this is bizarre that I would be contacting you….

People, if you ever want to get my attention, these are the exact words you should write or say to me. I also respond well to Listen up, Hooker!, but you guys already know that.

Anyway, as I read through Jodi’s email I discovered that not only was she was a fellow blogging-sista from Utah, but she was one of the five finalists in the spa contest. Jodi was so sweet and genuine in her email and I was absolutely thrilled that she contacted me. She wanted nothing from me other than to reach out to me, introduce herself and say nice things about Steenky Bee like, Your blog doesn’t suck that bad and I’ve seen way worse hair, I promise.

Well, as you can imagine, after Jodi poured on the sugar like that I was hooked. Had she called me a skank, I would have Googled her home address, driven to her house and kissed her on the mouth. But she didn’t so all I could do was check out her blog. Guess what? It’s adorable. Jodi? She’s even more adorable. I even read the post where she describes the luxurious Body Butter Drench spa treatment she received as one of the finalists. Judging from the photos she put up on her post, I’m almost positive she dropped off a load of laundry while she sautéed herself in trans fats. I’m not judging her. I would have totally done the same thing.

After reading through all the finalists’ posts I made some life-changing decisions.
  1. I decided against submitting a revenge listing on Craig’s list for free under “Casual Encounters” for the spa. It was a bad idea from the beginning and I’ve come to the realization that I must take the high road in this matter. As a result, my paid ad in the classified section of Salt Lake Tribune, the one where I advertise the spa in the “Escort Services Needed”, will be running next week.
  2. I made myself a heavily buttered grilled cheese sandwich because all the butter-talk had made me hungry.
  3. I am throwing my full support behind Jodi for the official blogger at SPA WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED.
So good people, if you have a heart, if you’re fond of butter or even remotely interested in reading about a stranger being rubbed down with a stick of butter, I highly suggest you go here and read Jodi’s clever post about her splendid spa day. Give her a vote. I know I will.

Also? If you can think of any clever insults to shout out the car window at the spa, let me know. I have errands I’m running in that neighborhood tomorrow.

*Jeremy never shouted anything at the spa as we drove by. Even though we both really, really wanted to.

42 comments:

Ms. Salti said...

Nice to see you're back in the blogosphere... we've missed you. Well, maybe not "we" but I've certainly missed you.

I'm pissed you didn't win, but I'll check out Jodi's stuff just because you told me to!

ChurchPunkMom said...

that is some kind of suckitude.

Even Scamazon notified me when I was kicked out of ABNA.. they notified me twice! once to tell me that i'd advanced to the second round and not the third, and then again to tell me that i actually hadn't advanced to the second round but here's $5 to make you feel better.

The Spa Who Shall Not Be Named totally owes you all $5.

GreenJello said...

Stupid Spa Who Shall Not Be Named!

They don't know genius when it bites them in the buttered ass.

Hrumph.

Sprite's Keeper said...

While you're driving past, yell out "Cleanse and detox THIS!" and if you can drive, Jeremy can moon them. It's only right.

Connie Weiss said...

I am a bitter, bitter woman and I will yell things and scowl at that stupid spa.

I have to tell you that one of my favorite restaurants is next door to that spa and I went in there the day the contest was ending and their front desk people didn't even know they were having a contest.

Based on this experience...I will continue to go to New Image Day Spa.

Spa who shall not be named can kiss my @ss!

for a different kind of girl said...

Oh, honey, if you are like this after being dissed by a spa that shant (oooo..fancy!) be named, I'd love, love, love to know how you were when you ever got your heart broken by a boy.

Not that I think you ever did, mind you (and if you did, put up a Craig's List ad for "person who will go kick men in the gonads" and I will respond)

Rebekah said...

I vote Steenkybee! Stupid State Flower Spa goes with the safe, cutesy choice instead of the sharp and funny. Snore.

Cameron said...

That's very 'high road' of you. Way to turn the other (ass) cheek. :) I went and voted for Jodi.

Jodi said...

It's me JODI....the one you speak so kindly about.

I totally don't deserve it I know...but at least I gave you a great topic to blog about! I so did NOT expect this! You are one of those true bloggy friends that you only hear about but never find! Thank you Jen so much for the shout out!!!! With your readers help, I have a chance!!!

I STILL have tears running down my cheeks! And that's just from reading your title!!! YOU ARE SOOOOO HILARIOUS & ENTERTAINING TO READ!!!

I hope you know I will always be bitter you weren't chosen (not just trying to butter you up either!)

If I WIN it's because of YOU and your amazing readers!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BUTTERED UP HEART ♥ FOR HELPING ME OUT!!!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Sweet as Jodi is, she's a sharp cookie for recognizing your level of support and reaching out to you. You have an army of followers (I am still quite confused by your loss) and she will be getting a winfall if even a fraction link over.

You don't have to be bitter. I can be bitter enough for everyone.

Bitter, party of one. Bitter? Party of one. (diary raises hand sheepishly and shame walks to table alone)

Kingsmom said...

Sneaky Jodi? Smart Jodi?

Either way, I'm totally bummed for you. I'm off to check her out.

Maggie May said...

you are so awesome.

Lisa said...

Sadly, I have nothing really clever for the spa. Keep it classic and if the kids are not in the car, just use that little bird. I'm too excited about your return to the blogosphere to think of anything too mean!

Krystal said...

hey crazy lady - it so totally sux that you were not picked but it is their loss!!!!

Keely said...

Hm, Jodi is clever AND cute. I think I'm obliged to hate her.

Pamela said...

You should totally pull out The Offspring...
Stupid, dum$shit, G--damn MUTHADUCKERS!!!!!

It's a classic line with no substitute, perfect for those times you find yourself wondering how best to insult someone. And that includes Spa Voldemort.

Becky said...

Eff them! Humph.

But the Craigslist idea is so awesome, it's opened up a whole new world of revenge possibilities to me. The worst thing I've ever done was to sign someone up for a whole bunch of spam and freebie email lists.

But I'm glad you're keeping it classy.

Captain Dumbass said...

What? What do you mean you didn't make the finalists? What?! After the 1700 comments I made on their stupid page? After I told them about how you jumped in a raging river to save my children from... well, the river. Was it a raging river or a ice choked river? Or was it a raging ice choked river? Who cares. They suck. SUCK!

Ok, I'm going to go check out this Jodi. Ok, not 'check' her out, just read her blog. What?

Reinvent Dad said...

I can't believe you didn't make the Top 5 'cause you're definitely in MY Top 5 Fav Bloggers! The fact that no one from the spa contacted you was so wrong...just for that, I won't patronize their establishment..well, I suppose I ought to also mention that I don't live anywhere near there.

Sassypants Wifey said...

Hmmm, yes I was indeed over at that site the other day and did not see your name on there. All I could think was "what the crap" cause you had about a trillion votes on there. Executives be damned! Karma will find them and perhaps replace their real butter with that of Fabio pushing calibre product. I was sad that you didnt make the top 5, but perhaps there will be a bigger and better contest that comes along. Maybe a fabulicious "let us pay you to do whatever you want and cater to your every whim" type deal? Too much to hope for? When you find that contest, will you sign me up too?

Wicked Step Mom said...

You could shout something completely from left field and say "I bet you let your kids eat High-Fructose Corn Syrup too!!"

That is atleast what I would do. But, I am a little bitter these days. Sorry you didn't win.

Khadra said...

I think you should visit their spa and be the biggest pain in the butt customer they have ever seen. And then blog about how awful they are...

Mwah ha hah haha hahaha!

Kingsmom said...

Okay, so I went over and read her "report". It was good but not nearly as good as what you would have done.

And....I really didn't understand the different colored letters? That bugged me. But who am I?

Dana's Brain said...

Damn that Spa Who Shall Not be Named!
I'm sure Jodi is lovely and all - but you were totally robbed!

Either way, I'm happy to hear from you again!

Laufa said...

Hmm, I don't think I would want to be rubbed with butter - I would rather bake with it, so that I can eat my accomplishments. Rubbing it on would just waste it. Sorry you didn't win - have fun stalking a Spa.

apathy lounge said...

I felt the same way when I got short-listed for an editorship at the local university's alumni magazine...and then I didn't make the final cut. Trust me when I tell you that my mind was a carnival ferris wheel of rotating revenge ideas for quite a long while. No butter was involved, though.

The Stiletto Mom said...

Connie told me that you guys are going to moon the Spa Who Shall Not Be Named. Please take pictures. :)

Mrsbear said...

It's a shame they didn't slather you in butter, I'm sure you would have had a lot to say about it. I voted Jodi, but I still think Sego Suck could've at least sent you a courtesy email. Bitter butter indeed.

Vodka Mom said...

Bitter is SO the new black.


come on. Bitter batter bitter butter bitter, wait, what were we talking about???

Hit 40 said...

They made a big mistake!!

Your bee hair is fabulous. It is probably the newest hair style!!!

April said...

Mmmmmm.... buttah

Melanie D said...

They don't know what they are missing...stupid spa....If I lived there I would book tons of appointments(under a false name of course) for all sorts of expensive things and then not show up! HA!!!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I would sooooooooo name the spa.

Heinous said...

Hey now, your blog doesn't stink at all. You'll have to remember who that's coming from though.

I don't know about that butter treatment. Isn't that what the witch did to Hansel just before she tried to get him in the oven?

jyl (Mom It Forward/#gno) said...

So fun reading your post and meeting you at Kristina's luncheon.

And seriously... I have heard this from so many people. The spa who shall not be named is on many people's naughty lists. Don't they know you gotta be careful with social media?

Bex said...

green jello's comment perfectly reflects my own thoughts.

clearly, this place - or the people representing the place - lack appreciation for fine literary craftsmanship.

a curse upon their houses.

except for jodi - she can stay.

Lizgizzy said...

You were robbed, make 'em pay!

DeeMarie said...

Listen up, Hooker.

I miss you.

You are a gracious non-winner... and they suck for not picking you.

Zip n Tizzy said...

Until they're rubbing you in chocolate... sorry Jodi, I take chocolate before butter any day... I think you're better off without them.
Do you think having hundreds of bloggers write in for you scared them off. Maybe they're afraid of the publicity!

JuleeSLC said...

I'm going to do a drive-by of the SPA WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED and flip them the bird. I'm gonna enlist the McGill's help since she lives down the road (literally) from said spa.

blissfully caffeinated said...

Next time I'm in Utah (after I drive to your house and kiss you on the mouth) it's Molotav Cocktail time. Those motherf*#&ers.

Also, I'm a bit miffed because, after weeks of nothing, I step away from my Google reader for a few days and come back to find 5 (five) Steenky bee posts sitting there. Hmph.

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