April 16, 2009

Why I Should Be Selected as Sego Lily Day Spa's Official Blogger

Date: Thursday, April 16, 2009
To: Sego Lily Spa Blogger Selection Committee
From: Jennifer Glass (a.k.a. Steenky Bee)
Re: Utah Search for Sego Lily Blogger!

Dear Selection Committee:

I look forward to a long and indulgent (from my end) relationship with you if selected as the official blogger for Sego Lily Day Spa. This contest could not be more in my wheelhouse if it tried. Actually, throw in a few bean burritos then it's totally everything I'm about.

I read through your rules and requirements and I comply with every one of them. Physically able to receive regular spa treatments? Check! No Injuries? Double check! No pregnancy? Triple check! I’ve cut my husband off for far longer periods of time than your contract stipulates so we’re good there.

Now, if you will, please allow me to share a brief list of my rules and requirements, because, honestly, should you select me, you need to know what you’re up against. (Please, oh, please, pick me!)

1. I am not a terrific listener. Don’t worry, it will totally look as though I am hanging on your every word, but inside my nappy-haired head I will be too busy perusing your new line of spring nail lacquers or wondering how spacious your spa’s rest room is. (Refer to rule #3 for explanation on that last one.)

2. I am a total gossip. Usually this is not a redeeming quality whatsoever, but in this case, I think my weakness may actually serve Sego Lily perfectly. Just think of all the word-of-mouth advertising you’ll garner out of my inability to keep my trap shut about the soothing Rocky Mountain Stone Massage I received at your facilities.

3. I don’t know how to exactly categorize this disclosure, so let’s just call it my Pretty Woman Syndrome. When I’m at a spa, including Sego Lily, I spend copious amounts of time in the rest room wearing my fluffy spa robe and complimentary slippers. I’m talking tons of time. And it’s not all wasted. Read on.

Typically, I divide my time in your rest room into thirds. The first portion, a good 5-7 minutes, is spent rifling through the lotions, potions and yes, even the communal spray deodorant that you leave on the counter for clients. The next 3-4 minutes I will lip sync 80s hits to my reflection in the mirror. It’s a show that few have seen, but many have overheard. Once I finish my “set” I’ll use the remainder of my time pirouetting around the rest room until I tire from dizziness or sheer boredom.

Sego Lily Day Spa, I cannot stress this enough, if your rest room does not have the square footage for me to karaoke 80s hits and twirl, this may be a deal breaker for both of us.

4. I am fashionably late for all occasions (read: I have two children under the age of four). The exceptions of my tardiness are; 1) spa treatments, 2) hair appointments and, of course, 3) church. In that exact order.

5. It should be raining men. Always. I’ll bet Sego Lily Day Spa has their share of visits from the fairer sex, but what about the men in our great state? Surely even the fellas need regular upkeep and pampering that only the Gentlemen’s Facial could offer? As part of my undying interest in singing your praises, you have my word that I will drag my husband, male friends and co-workers into Sego Lily for regular man-treatments. I also have no issue dragging random strangers (male or female) from the street in for a Sego Lily Soothing Soak Bath Ritual if it helps to increase your revenue. I trust under your contract, Sego Lily will supply legal counsel for me should one of these strangers become litigious.

6. It is far better to receive than give. This is perhaps the most important rule of all. It’s simple, straightforward and oh, so true. I’d much rather receive a Sego Lily Essential Pedicure than give one. No doubt.

In closing, thank you in advance for considering me, Steenky Bee, a girl who couldn’t need a massage more, as your prospective blogger. If selected, I offer my solemn promise to give you one hundred and ten percent, eighty percent of the time.

Best,
Jennifer Glass (Steenky Bee)

Fine Print:
Sego Lily Day Spa should expect prompt posts full of typos, incorrect grammar and twists of snarky satire (at my expense only). I would never bite the hand that feeds, or in this case, the hand that offers a relaxing Swedish Massage. Sentence fragments and run-on sentences should be expected as well as over use of (parenthesis) and “incorrect” usage of quotation marks. I reserve the right to shoot dirty looks at Sego Lily’s clients sitting next to me who feel it necessary to yammer away on their cell phones in the Meditation Room.

Friends of Steenky Bee, here's the comments section at Sego Lily's web site where you leave your love for me. Here's the link to Sego Lily's website for contest details. Thanks for all your support!

65 comments:

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

OK. I left my entry. I made sure to make every gramatical error mentioned in your disclaimer. Wouldn't want to make a liar out of you.

Good luck!

HeatherPride said...

Ok! I'm off! (and kind of nervous) Good luck!

Wicked Step Mom said...

Good luck!!

Sprite's Keeper said...

Go Jenbo! Go Jenbo!
Get your relax on!
I'm heading over now!

Cameron said...

Done, and done. Now, in return I would like a Ham and Cheese omelette with greasy hash browns.

Lisa Brandos said...

As promised, I left a glowing recommendation for you on their comment page but could not find your entry, so I just left a new comment. Good Luck and thanks for the follow!

Pamela said...

Wow. You shore do know how to drive a (hard) bargain! I hopes you "WIN"!!!!!

Jess said...

LMAO! Hilarity! I am doing my best cheer for you!

Robin said...

Go Jen, go!!! I hope you win!!! I am off to the site to throw my support your way. Hope they don't notice my crazy roots and scary unmanicured nails!

Ms. Salti said...

If you don't win I'm going to march my ass right down to their Midvale location and protest! With signs and everything. And I may even stomp around a bit. Good luck... you're an awesome writer and you deserve some pampering!!!

GreenJello said...

I would SO totally hire you. Like yesterday.

Becky said...

With a bathroom routine like that, they would be crazy not to take you on.

Fat Loss Chronicles said...

Take me with you to the spa!

beth said...

The Sego Lily Day Spa is really getting a full package if they pick you. How could they refuse?!

DeeMarie said...

I'm heading over to post my vote!! You're the best and there shouldn't even be a question. :)

Susan said...

Oh I'm so leaving a comment on your behalf. How could they NOT choose you???

CK Lunchbox said...

who is thoughtful enough to even think of us tough guys. a little manscaping never hurt anyone. Off to persuade the spa people.

blissfully caffeinated said...

You so deserve this. Hell, I deserve this. But even if we had a day spa in my town and even that day spa was so hip as to want an in house blogger I would immediately be disqualified by my little condition. Did I mention I'm a tad jealous?

I'm "pulling" for ya!

ChurchPunkMom said...

you are the awesomest.. I will pass it on..

Dingo said...

I'm laughing to hard at the mental image from #3 to think of something witty so I'm just going to go over to their site and tell them that they MUST have you as their official blogger or the next time I'm in Utah I will breeze right by their snooty spa and head for the nearest bar. Oh, wait, it's Utah, right? Well, I'll skip their snooty bar and head right to Steenky Bee's and we'll get drunk and make fun of them. *Stinkee Bee, you do have a stash of alcoholic beverages, don't you?

Rebekah said...

Most awesome. I'm holding my breath for you. Seriously. And trying my lucky "don't shower until it happens" trick. Works every time...but please win soon.

Rebekah said...

Also? Unless all your commenters are liars, I think they remove the vote posts from the comments. Or all your commenters used profanities or something...

Casey said...

I would like to state, for the record, that nobody on this continent is better qualified to be the new face of Sego Lily Day Spa. Nobody. I'm headed over to tell those peeps what's up.

Carolyn...Online said...

I forgot to make gramatical errors when I voted for you on their site but I can usually be counted on for misspelled words. So there's that.

Casey said...

Ok, I told them what's up. I may have compared you to a canine though, sorry.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I left a comment. I think I did it right (I don't know) I said you were witty, fun and an excellent candidate to win their contest!

Best of luck, I hope you get it! (Your post was hilarious by the way :)

Captain Dumbass said...

Ok, I just left a comment but I'm confused because I don't see any other comments mentioning you from anybody else that says they did so I'm wondering if I was at the right page or not. If not, maybe those people will give you something too, like some free dirt or pest control or a liver. I don't know.

Do you need bulk messages? I'm unemployed, I have time.

Dingo said...

I'm laughing to hard at the mental image from #3 to think of something...I meant "too hard."

Casey said...

I'm with the Captain, I didn't see any fellow blogger's comments, just mine and a few others. I hope you don't have an enemy in the site admin department deleting your entries...

Kat said...

You totally got my vote chica.

April said...

totally got your back on the sego lily website! but if you don't win, you can enter to win an at home spa kit on my site :-) GOOD LUCK!

Ann said...

I've sent in my support.
Good luck!!!

Middle Aged Woman said...

I commented, and mentioned how you were the highlight of my day. Get it? Damn. Why does nobody get me!

Ms. Salti said...

BTW, yesterday was Seth's birthday...but I'm sure you already knew that. Did you send him a gift?

Bex said...

how could they NOT choose you? i would choose you if i had a spa - but probably my bathroom is too small.

JuleeSLC said...

Just did my duty. CAN'T WAIT to hang out with you in the steam room at Sego Lily!!

Krystal said...

okay, now I want to go to Sego Lily Day spa and I am all the way in S Florida!!! You so totally deserve this auspicious title. Who else could place such a place of luxury ont he highest pedestals of perfection and snark combined? the Steenky, that is who!

Dingo said...

Okay, I went over there to bask in the glow of the comment that was going to put you at the top of the list (mine, naturally) and it's not there! In fact, no one's is.

I demand a recount! Or something.

GreenJello said...

Have our comments been let out of moderation yet?

Keely said...

As long as your gossiping doesn't end up spreading around that the pedicurist (?) had a humungous wart, I think you're golden.

Kay said...

Oh, this was absolutely hysterical... how could they not choose you? (I just typed choose with 3 o's SIX times before getting it right).

Heading over to leave my comment there now :)

Mama Dawg said...

That was the "best" application I have "ever" seen. You "rock".

Sherendipity said...

I totally just flaunted my love for you.

HeatherPride said...

Well I came back to check on you and then I went over to the Day Spa's site and MY COMMENT IS STILL AWAITING MODERATION. What's up! How will I be able to profess my love for all things Steenky if my comment never posts??

It's a conspiracy, I'm telling you.

Casey said...

I actually went to the movies with a friend tonight and thought your comments would be released by the time I got home. I think the Sego Lily Day Spa staff is off getting pedicures and massages instead of releasing comments. We should join them.

Lola said...

Girl, I'm so confused! I'm trying to help you out, but I can't figure out where to comment.

I know, I'm a loser. But I really hope you're a winner!

Maggie May said...

Oh dear and oh darn and oh my you are a something special

Miss Grace said...

I heart you. A lot.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

OK, the posts are finally all there and I must say, your readers did you proud. You have been talked up as a spelunking, baby saving, Mother Theresa slash Marketing/Advertising genius in need of a good rub and scrub. There are a ton of entries for you. I can't imagine that you won't win (unless it's fixed, of course).

kel said...

You are the coolest..I'm on my way over there right now!

Rebekah said...

OHMYLORD check out the Sego Lily comments today - it's basically a steenk love fest!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I absolutely posted my vote for you...I hope you win!! :) It would be cool if you do win that you'd vlog about your Pretty Woman Syndrome when you spend copious amounts of time in the rest room wearing your fluffy spa robe and complimentary slippers...really, that would be 'must see'. ;)

Melanie D said...

You have my vote!!

Dana's Brain said...

If they don't pick you they are complete losers! Left some comment love for you over there.

You do realize if you win you have to fly us all out there for free spa treatments, right?

Sassypants Wifey said...

Um yeah, you may have missed the fine, fine FINE print, but it states that with no uncertain requirements if and not by all means that you HAVE to take me with you. Sorry, their rules not mine. But we will totally have tons of fun. I swear. I will practice my 80's hits even. Off to check it out!

Mrsbear said...

You've got my vote. They'd be mad not to choose you. Mad.

jen said...

if they pick you and i finally come to utah and my friend agrees to babysit (both of our kids ... wink wink) ... will you bring me along? just once? please oh please oh please?
and ... they would be silly to NOT choose you.

Zip n Tizzy said...

You've got my vote, but do they know how long you hang out in the shower? Better tell them to stay open late!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

You are awesome and they would be lucky to have you, despite all the quirky behaviors they would have to put up with. You rule.

Double Dipped Sweets said...

Okay, so I was going to enter this contest...but then read your blog! You deserve this! You are hilarious! Good luck!

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