Date: Thursday, April 16, 2009
To: Sego Lily Spa Blogger Selection Committee
From: Jennifer Glass (a.k.a. Steenky Bee)
Re: Utah Search for Sego Lily Blogger!
Dear Selection Committee:
I look forward to a long and indulgent (from my end) relationship with you if selected as the official blogger for Sego Lily Day Spa. This contest could not be more in my wheelhouse if it tried. Actually, throw in a few bean burritos then it's totally everything I'm about.
I read through your rules and requirements and I comply with every one of them. Physically able to receive regular spa treatments? Check! No Injuries? Double check! No pregnancy? Triple check! I’ve cut my husband off for far longer periods of time than your contract stipulates so we’re good there.
Now, if you will, please allow me to share a brief list of my rules and requirements, because, honestly, should you select me, you need to know what you’re up against. (Please, oh, please, pick me!)
1. I am not a terrific listener. Don’t worry, it will totally look as though I am hanging on your every word, but inside my nappy-haired head I will be too busy perusing your new line of spring nail lacquers or wondering how spacious your spa’s rest room is. (Refer to rule #3 for explanation on that last one.)
2. I am a total gossip. Usually this is not a redeeming quality whatsoever, but in this case, I think my weakness may actually serve Sego Lily perfectly. Just think of all the word-of-mouth advertising you’ll garner out of my inability to keep my trap shut about the soothing Rocky Mountain Stone Massage I received at your facilities.
3. I don’t know how to exactly categorize this disclosure, so let’s just call it my Pretty Woman Syndrome. When I’m at a spa, including Sego Lily, I spend copious amounts of time in the rest room wearing my fluffy spa robe and complimentary slippers. I’m talking tons of time. And it’s not all wasted. Read on.
Typically, I divide my time in your rest room into thirds. The first portion, a good 5-7 minutes, is spent rifling through the lotions, potions and yes, even the communal spray deodorant that you leave on the counter for clients. The next 3-4 minutes I will lip sync 80s hits to my reflection in the mirror. It’s a show that few have seen, but many have overheard. Once I finish my “set” I’ll use the remainder of my time pirouetting around the rest room until I tire from dizziness or sheer boredom.
Sego Lily Day Spa, I cannot stress this enough, if your rest room does not have the square footage for me to karaoke 80s hits and twirl, this may be a deal breaker for both of us.
4. I am fashionably late for all occasions (read: I have two children under the age of four). The exceptions of my tardiness are; 1) spa treatments, 2) hair appointments and, of course, 3) church. In that exact order.
5. It should be raining men. Always. I’ll bet Sego Lily Day Spa has their share of visits from the fairer sex, but what about the men in our great state? Surely even the fellas need regular upkeep and pampering that only the Gentlemen’s Facial could offer? As part of my undying interest in singing your praises, you have my word that I will drag my husband, male friends and co-workers into Sego Lily for regular man-treatments. I also have no issue dragging random strangers (male or female) from the street in for a Sego Lily Soothing Soak Bath Ritual if it helps to increase your revenue. I trust under your contract, Sego Lily will supply legal counsel for me should one of these strangers become litigious.
6. It is far better to receive than give. This is perhaps the most important rule of all. It’s simple, straightforward and oh, so true. I’d much rather receive a Sego Lily Essential Pedicure than give one. No doubt.
In closing, thank you in advance for considering me, Steenky Bee, a girl who couldn’t need a massage more, as your prospective blogger. If selected, I offer my solemn promise to give you one hundred and ten percent, eighty percent of the time.
Jennifer Glass (Steenky Bee)
Sego Lily Day Spa should expect prompt posts full of typos, incorrect grammar and twists of snarky satire (at my expense only). I would never bite the hand that feeds, or in this case, the hand that offers a relaxing Swedish Massage. Sentence fragments and run-on sentences should be expected as well as over use of (parenthesis) and “incorrect” usage of quotation marks. I reserve the right to shoot dirty looks at Sego Lily’s clients sitting next to me who feel it necessary to yammer away on their cell phones in the Meditation Room.