June 15, 2009

I Believe That Children Are Our Future...When it Comes to Deceit

We’ve tried hard to not spoil our children. Strike that. Jeremy has tried hard to not spoil our children. I’ve focused my efforts on teaching them that “What happens at Target, stays at Target…or at the very least in our car trunk until mommy can find an opportunity to sneak your new shoes and your new toy into the house without daddy finding out.”

My children still have yet to learn the fine art of hiding purchases from my husband. Reese, our almost 2-year old, I totally understand. She’s too young to grasp the concept and she gets so worked up when she has her little hands on anything shiny or pink or anything that vaguely resemble shoes. (Ladies, can I get a witness? Also, Captain Dumbass, can I get a witness? I bet he looooves shoes too.)

But Henners? What’s up dude? You’re 4 and a half years old. You should really know better by now. Oh don’t get me wrong, buddy, I know you get that you're part of a covert operation and that it’s super-dee-duper top secret and all that stuff, but WHY can you just keep it to yourself?

Just last week I rewarded Henners' good behavior at the grocery store with a cheap matchbox car. My son COULD NOT wait to get himself home and send his father cryptic messages for forty minutes straight about “something small and green that has wheels and goes vroom-vroom! and it's behind my back and mommy doesn’t want you to see it because it's a secret from you.”

So busted.

Now, I’m sure many of you out there are thinking I’m a horrible person for teaching my children to hide purchases from their father. But to those of you that think this way, answer me this: How will these kids ever learn the importance of befriending the UPS man so that that he leaves all online purchases on the side of the house instead of the front porch so that my husband doesn’t see them on the off chance he beats me home from work?

The trick of making nice all delivery the delivery men, I learned from my mother, an expert online shopper. Over the years, every UPS or FedEX man she’s ever had knew to bring her purchases all the way around to the back porch of the house. Well, they used to, that is, until my father retired and is now home most days. I imagine shortly after my dad retired and he was spending hours combing through his social security paperwork, my mom was frantically texting all the delivery men in her life with new instructions on where to leave her packages. Texting them? you say. Yes, texting them. She's that tight with the shipping and delivery men in her city. Not because her town is small or anything, but I'm sure the sheer volume of deliveries my mom has coming to her on a weekly basis keep at least two UPS delivery men very gainfully employed.

Soon my mom will find herself in a precarious situation. You see, she's a few years from retirement herself. And when that time comes, she won't be able to have her packages sent to her office and then hide the packages in the truck of her car and wait to sneak them into the house when my father's not looking like she does now. Where, oh where, will she stash her goods?

Mom, if you're reading this: I think I might be able to help you out. For a nominal “handling fee” of say, maybe a new pair of shoes every now and then, I’d be more than happy to be the “safe house” for your secret purchases. I see this as a win-win situation for us both. But mostly for me. Now, when my UPS man arrives with those beautiful brown boxes and Jeremy gives me the old arched eyebrow, I can look him in the eyes and half-truthfully tell him “Don’t worry Lover, it’s just another package for my mom.”

Any arrangements to keep your grandchildren from spilling the goods is between you and them. They are tough little negotiators. Their still blackmailing me for the time I gently kissed the garage door with the car bumper.

41 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I have gotten very sneaky with hiding the shoe bags or clothes from my husband, but I don't have kids to ruin it for me!

It was so fun to meet you on Saturday. I have pictures up!

Miss Grace said...

This is one of the benefits of being a single mom. I don't have to sneak my stuff past anyone.

jen said...

ah yes ... the hiding of the purchases. it's easy for me to get them IN the house (hello? pilot husband.) but it drives me bonks when stella will be talking to daddy on the phone and mentions all the places that we went shopping. argh. damn 5 year olds feel like they need to tell daddy EVERYTHING they did that day. why can't she just say "hi daddy!" over and over again like she used to?

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

I don't have the patience to hide my purchases, so I just put up with my husband's comments about how I must be carrying on a "relationship" with the man in brown, since his truck is parked at our house almost daily. So he thinks I sleep with mailmen. Whatevs. His sister thinks I service sailors on my weekends off (long story, but sadly, a true one).
All I'm gonna say is my packages are never crushed and are ALWAYS in a plastic bag when it rains.

Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) said...

OK, I thought I was the only mother who did this with my child (Hubby is always like: "He has enough toys! Money is tight!" Blah, blah, blah.)

But Hubby gets me back by trying to do what your mom does -- hiding online purchases from me.

"Oh, I have no idea what that packaging shoved way, way down in the trash can could have held. Oh, not another book or another wrestling DVD. Nooooo waaaay. I'm too stupid to detect that."

Cameron said...

How about some sort of underground tunnel? Ooh, ooh, or how about one of those vacuum tube type systems like at the bank? You could just stuff the goods into a tube and suck it into your basement. Maybe I'm being extravagant...

robin said...

Oh yeah.... I was gonna tell you to ALWAYS get packages delivered to your office but it looks like you're one step ahead of me on that one. :)

for a different kind of girl said...

I used to be a master sneaker, whether it was *actual* sneakers or other assorted treasures I wanted. Alas, the youngest canary in the birdcage over there is still a chirper! He has no ability with the shifty eyes. The other day, I wanted an ice cream cone and since I couldn't convince him to go look at shiny things, I made him one, too, and then I told him it was something special just between the two of us. Don't tell your older brother! I said, and he agreed not to while we enjoyed our delicious treat.

Ten minutes after he finished, wiped all evidence down, and ran outside to play, the older brother came kicking in, wanting his own ice cream treat.

So I ate another one with him. Actually, you know what. This experience was really more a win-win for me. Of course, I was bloated and felt gross afterward, but TWO delicious treats...which I then placed blame for their absense the next day on their dad.

Seriously, reading this, I should go into crime.

Middle Aged Woman Blogging said...

Personal shoppers.. this is what you need. Have them wrap everything and deliver them as presents from far off friends or relatives. Works every time.... trust me!

Captain Dumbass said...

Shoes make or break an outfit. That's all I'm saying.

Logical Libby said...

I don't tell my husband what I spend, or on what. Hell, he's lucky I told him how much he actually makes... And that's how I like it.

Michele Renee said...

I have totally taught my 3 sons to keep the mention of purchases on the down low.

Kingsmom said...

How long you been crafting this one up? It's brilliant?

Keely said...

Love it. I get most things sent to the office, too.

Wicked Step Mom said...

I don't feel the need to hide stuff, unless I bought it for Bear. Then, I have to hide it so that he doesn't know that I spent money on him. Strange.. I know.

Pamela said...

Henceforth you will be known as the Sneaky Bee.

Dana's Brain said...

My son is no good at keeping stuff secret. Especially if it's a "prize". Fortunately, both my husband and I have fallen victim to this - so now we just say screw it.

Tuesday Girl said...

Now that I am a SAHM, I have no money to buy anything let alone sneak anything in.
Car trunk always worked for me, I would ship it to work and then smuggle it in.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

I've done the car trunk dance a few times in my life. I cannot tell a lie. But with kids? Whew. Much harder. Much much harder.

Jenni said...

i think my husband is the one hiding purchases from me.

Sprite's Keeper said...

That's not the way your garage door tells the story...

Wendyburd1 said...

It is a neccessary thing you are teaching them! Gotta learn if you want that toy THAT bad and Daddy gets it for you IF you don't tell Mommy, be quiet kid or that Barbie you have your eyes on will never be yours!!LOL!

Sell...Party Of 3 said...

Loved the cute note on the box! ;)

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Ha, that was a good one. I'm a hider too but I get lucky in that the oldest is at school when packages come, the youngest doesn't speak and daddy isn't usually home till after 6:30 or 7. Plenty of time to hide the packages and make it seem like those new shoes have always been in my closet :)

These are life lessons you're teaching here. Nothing wrong with that.

honeypiehorse said...

Oh, my kids totally rat me out if I order so much as a postage stamp!

CaJoh said...

You are way too clever. I remember once that my parents gave me the misdirection treatment when they bought me a Christmas present and told me that it was for my cousin.

Tricia said...

My son is always asking to look in the trunk of my car to see what treasures are in there. He really needs some lessons on deception too.

GreenJello said...

I don't worry about the packages showing up... I worry about wolfing down all the chocolate before I get home. And make sure I don't have any dribbling down my chin.

Bex said...

my mom taught me about hiding purchases at a very young age too! and all these years, i thought it was just us!

bill cosby called his 4 year old, "the informant" in his "Himself" performance. so true.

Joanna Jenkins said...

VERY funny post. Been there, done that!
I stopped by from Kristina Pulsipher's to say hello. Nice to meet you! I'll be a back again soon.

gretchen said...

Luckily for me my husband has the WORST memory in the world and the observation skills of a slug (actually, for all I know, slugs might be terribly observant, I just couldn't think of anything that wasn't). So if I manage to get the packages past him, he never realizes that I've purchased something new. He might compliment me on my dress, and I can actually pull the old "What, this old thing?" and he falls for it. I also find that I'm able to convince him that everything I EVER purchase was "on sale" at Target.

Connie Weiss said...

I am very lucky in that the UPS man comes to our house during nap time. The children see and know nothing.

A few months ago I splurged on a Red Kitchen Aid Food Processor. I quickly unpacked it and put in on the counter....disposing of the boxes. My husband still hasn't noticed it.

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

You're adorable and hilarious! I love your blog. Another funny blog to my ever expanding Reader. ;o)
My two year old loves shoes and asks to see pictures of shoes on the computer. It's just in our DNA. AND! You can get the Mountain Dew in 12-pack form at Macey's. ;o)

the Mayor said...

Some of the mottoes that were popular before the feminist movement are proving to be ageless wisdom. "Loose lips sink ships" and "that information is shared on a need to know basis".

Mrs. C. said...

We generally never have to hide packages from each other, but all delivery people know to put things up out of the dog's reach or she will tear the box open. She ate part of the software that came with our new digital camera, a butterfly-shaped flashlight, and a pound of cheese from Vermont. We didn't even know about the cheese until after Christmas when our friends called and asked how we liked the gift box. What gift box, we asked. The one with the loaf of cheese, maple sugar candies and jug of syrup. Dog loved it, we said. Posted a "Dear UPS Driver" note the next day...

Mrsbear said...

Kids never lie when you need them too. I'd never ask them to, just because I know first chance they get they're throwing mom under the bus. Little rat finks.

Zip n Tizzy said...

You're just training them for keeping all the things you don't want to know about them when they're teenagers secret. If Jeremy wants to know, he can be the one to deal with it. Survival of the fitest!

Chris Wood said...

Truly, truly devious ... I like it!

Carolyn...Online said...

My girls have learned that you hide the Target bags in the bottom of the outside trashcan and you remove the tags immediately. Is that wrong?

Krystal said...

I can learn so much from you!!!

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