December 15, 2008

A Dream And A Guest Post That Is Much Better Than The Dream

I had a dream last night that I was Julie Christie. I don't know why. I've never even seen any movie that she's been a part of, but in my dream I was Julie Christie. As Ms. Christie, I ransacked through any open car I could find in a Target parking lot and took stray shoes left in automobiles. I'm not sure why, but in my dream, people seem to store spare shoes in their rides.

Anyway, I found the cutest pair of banana colored leather pumps with the coolest chunky heels in an old run down Honda hatch back. Just as I snagged them the owner of the car and the shoes walked up and looked at me suspiciously. I threw the shoes on and began small talk with her. When I jumped in my car to take off, I noticed that she followed me all over town. I was a little worried, but then I thought to myself, "I'm Julie freakin' Christie. I'm famous. That's why I'm being followed."

Eventually, I lost the woman desperately looking for either my autograph or her stolen shoes and ended up at an older man's house who, in my dream, was my lover. His name was Ed Hardy. He was watching re-runs of The Mary Tyler Moore Show on one of those very outdated television, you know the ones that sit on the floor and are encased in faux wood and take up a ton of wall space. I fell asleep with my new shoes on, I loved them so much.

So....yeah. That's my dream. Weird, huh? Aren't you glad I'm taking a blogging break? See the strange crap I'm sparing you from reading? But something I don't want to spare you from reading is my GUEST POST today over at Kaply, Inc. It's a conversation about Christmas that Jeremy and I had a little over two weeks ago as we were deciding how best to save money for the holidays.

Also, if you've never checked Tracy out over at Kaply, Inc., please go visit her now. She is the second person I ever met in this bloggy world and I can't say enough nice or snarky things about her. She's off-the-hook, yo. I fell in love with her way back in the summer when she posted her undying love for burritos. I'm not sure why, but I just found that particular post hilarious. Also, you must absolutely look through her archives to read over her blog post titles, including my all-time favorite, "Jesus May Love You, But I Think You're A Big Fat Idiot." Go check her now! Go! Go!

December 5, 2008

I'm A Giver, What Can I Say?

My good friend Jenni over at Oscarelli asked me to guest post while she’s busy delivering baby number two. I would do anything for that woman. She changed my life the day she let me know that Viggo Mortensen has a vestiginal tail. (It’s a long story, but she reached out to me and stopped me from making a critical error of keeping him on my “celebrity freebie” list.) Anyway, I heart Jenni. She's witty, snarky and wicked. Everything I look for in a friend and in a cat. She never fails to bring the funny and she's cool with the fact that I'm obsessed with her mom. (Another long story, but this one has no tail.)

Jenni asked me, along with her other guest posters to describe our experiences bringing home baby number two. I totally didn’t follow the rules. Go check it out.

Good luck, Jenni!

December 4, 2008

You Should Really Come To This Especially If You Want To Hang Out With Some Really Cool Ladies

Um, yeah. Sorry for the psyche. I know I promised I wouldn't be posting this month, but sometimes a girl's got obligations she just must fulfill. However, this isn't one of them. This is an obligation I'm both honored and excited to fulfill.

Today I am simulposting (is that a even a word?) with my good friends Heather at Riding the Short Bus, DeeMarie (The Dancing Cookie herself) over at My Life in a Nutshell and Mary Anne, a.k.a. The Stiletto Mom about an exciting event.

Picture this, it's the last week in July, you're sitting home with nothing to do. You're thinking how awesome it would be to fly, drive or hitch your way to the Rockies and meet up, face to face, with some of your favorite blogging friends. Also, you are a woman. Sorry, fellas, this invitation is for those with indoor plumbing only.

So anyway, you and your uterus are now in the majestic Rocky Mountains, and you're staying at the infamous Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colorado, the very site that was the inspiration for The Shining. You know, the film where Jack goes all crazy and wields an axe at his wife through a bathroom door? Yeah, we all thought like that sounded like a fun time.

Now, I can't promise you Jack Nicholson with an axe or Shelley Duval screaming while running around like fool in a snow maze, but what I can promise you is, a weekend of fun, food, spirits and me running around like a fool in a snow maze. I'm from the Rockies so, of course, I'm desensitized to the cold temperatures.

Here's the deets:

When: July 24th-26th, 2009
Where: Estes Park, Colorado at the Historic Stanley Hotel (again, please no axes)
Why: Because I have a bet with several of my blogging buddies that a few of you are just really middle-aged men who are hiding behind a photo of a woman they lifted off of Flikr just to befriend unsuspecting female bloggers. Please come, I've got a lot of money riding on this.
What: I thought I explained that already.
How: This question doesn't even make sense.

Confused? I thought so. Basically, the four of us ladies (I can confirm that we are all, in fact, female) would like to invite our other female blogging friends to gather with us in the mountains this summer to finally meet each other in person, squeal really loud, make trips to the restroom in large groups and pillow fight at night. (Isn't that what the men assume we'll be doing?)

Rest assured, if you make the right decision and attend this yet-to-be-named event, there will be no one barging through a door with an axe like Jack did in The Shining. Stiletto Mom claims she can do it much more efficiently with her 4 inch heels in hand.

For a more comprehensive, and certainly easier to understand explanation of what's going down in July, be sure to visit Riding the Short Bus, My Life in a Nutshell and The Stiletto Mom. More information will be available in the months to come!!

P.S.: In the spirit of fairness, you don't actually have to have a uterus or even a working uterus to attend. You must, however, be able to prove that you had one at one time.

P.P.S.: And by "had one at one time" means that it was actually in your body. I don't care to hear about any underground organ trading ring you were once involved in.

December 3, 2008

A Rambling Post That Goes Nowhere Really Fast But Mentions Urine, Poison And The Economy So You Might Want To Read It Anyway

The other day, Jeremy told me that our love reminded him of a song by Ratt titled You’re in Love, but when I heard him say those words I thought he said Urine Love and I was all, “Why the h*ll would our love remind him of urine?” Offended, I then gave my husband the silent treatment for about three hours and thought of ways to poison his food without implicating myself in any way. I realize that by writing this here, I may cause myself some problems in the future if Jeremy does accidentally choke on a burrito or eats bad hummus that does him in. All ten of you will likely turn me in, and since I have a previous record, the law may not look too kindly on me.

But rest assured, before I actually purchased the strychnine for my husband's hummus, I had a moment of clarity and realized that I need to keep focused on the bigger picture here. Urine doesn’t bother me, not one bit. The fact that he still listens to Ratt, a second-tier 80's hair band at best, is perhaps the most troubling thing for me.

This got me to thinking, if urine doesn’t bother me, then I am either very laid back or I have much bigger troubles. I’m definitely not laid back, so what else is bothering me? Well, for one, the economy is in the crapper and the entire construction industry has taken a giant dump. This does not bode well for the Steenky family who make their livelihoods in architecture.

Can I confess something to you? The economy has me terrified. Jeremy and I both feel so lucky to have our jobs right now. We’ve had to have some pretty pointed discussions lately and have yet to decide which one of us should be voted out of the family in the event of hard times, barring any unforeseen tragedy with a burrito or poisoned hummus. I’m pretty sure if the family had to take a vote at this point, it would be extremely close. Jeremy buys Henry lots of treats and he’s got one of the dogs on his side too. I, on the other hand have both cats firmly in my camp and, depending on the day, the other dog. Reese is the wild-card here. On the one hand, she really likes her cuddle time with me, but that's no match for the thrill she gets when she plays with Jeremy's eye glasses. In order to preserve my position in my family, I have resorted to wearing my glasses as much as possible and throwing candy at Henry whenever we're together. Henry's never been happier but Jeremy is starting to ask a lot of questions. Every vote counts, right?

But for now, no vote is needed because Jeremy and I both still have our jobs. But I'm not sure for how long. I'd like to think we're safe from any layoffs, but you just never know. Lucky for Jeremy, he's been working several angles to preserve his position at work. For example, Jeremy has himself a work husband. And this work husband? He has some clout. He's the CFO of our firm and Jeremy's closest friend in the office. I often find them huddled together in the corner talking about baseball, fishing, cars and tennis shorts.

But I'm fearful that Jeremy's recent antics may have jeopardized any favored status he has with the CFO. You see, a few months ago, Jeremy sneaked down to the parking garage at work and switched out the rear license plate frame on his work husband's new convertable Mustang from the stock frame to a custom-ordered one that reads “My other ride is your mom”.

Oh, we all had a good laugh a few weeks later when the CFO eventually found it, but now I'm just a little nervous. I told Jeremy last night that I thought maybe it was a bad idea that he switched the frame on our boss' car and let him drive around for weeks advertising that he's hot for mothers. He nodded in agreement and confessed that the frame was a tad bit inappropriate. He went on to explain that since his buddy drives a convertible, it would have been better to order the "When I get hot I take my top off" frame instead. He assures me that he'll never make that mistake again.

Folks, I now must leave you with that rambling story for pretty much the remainder of the month. I KNOW. What am I doing? Well, let me tell you what I'm doing. I'm going to take a short breather and spend some quality time with my family. All that 30 posts in 30 days stuff just wore me ragged. I didn't even participate in that beast of a challenge, but visiting you all that did participate and reading all your amazing posts led me to neglect my home and personal grooming habits. Seriously, I think I went two weeks without shaving.

I have two guest posts scheduled for this month (Oscarelli and Tracy Kaply, Inc.) and I'll post links here on the days that they run. I'm sure I'll give in and sneak a few posts in here and there, but for the remainder of the year it will be at random. Even though I'm taking a mini break from writing, that in no way implies that I'll be taking the same sort of break from stalking all of you and harassing you endlessly.