February 25, 2010

Oh Utah, They're Just Jealous of You

As a Utahan, I tend to think of my state as I would a sibling or a strange second-cousin. Oh, it's okay for me to tease her and give her a wedgie or two. I may, if the mood strikes, even tell her to go suck it. But if someone else comes along and picks on her? On my Utah? Oh NO. I am not trying to hear that noise.

According to our recent motto, Utah is “A pretty great state”. And? According to our license plates (which, by the way, check it - are off the hook) has the “Greatest snow on earth!” Take that, Colorado.
Our current state motto is “Life Elevated”, and while nobody here really knows, or cares what that means, as a state, we (read: I) have just sort of rolled with it and concentrated on more important things like becoming a reoccurring sister-wife on HBO’s Big Love or finding out exactly where Apolo Ohno lives.

Because, ladies (or gentleman – if that’s the way you roll, no judgment here, only love) Apolo most definitely DOES live in Utah for part of the year. I’ve seen him. I was close enough to smell him. More importantly, I was close enough for him to hear me when I whisper-screamed at my friend, “Oh. My. GAH! How does my hair look?” My friend, brutally honest as always, looked me over and just shrugged her shoulders and said, “Meh, it could be worse.”

Yes, Utah is a strange (liquor laws) and magical (see Ohno reference above) place, but we’ve given the world some pretty stellar things too. Take Mitt Romney’s hair, for example. Have you ever seen such an immaculate head suit on anyone besides Ronald Regan, who, by the way, is most definitely Mitt’s idol both politically and hair-wise? To the world I say, you’re welcome**.

*Spoiler Alert* Old Mitt up there is planning a run for president again and I, for one, can’t wait to sit and judge both him and Sarah Palin harshly on their coifs during the primaries. Just to make it fair, I will be equally critical of Joe Biden’s hair plugs, but not his face lift, because hasn’t it settled so nicely?

Recently, Salt Lake City was named to the top 8 most romantic cities in the US. Apparently, if you buy enough Barry White CDs or romance novels (read: Twilight), you’re considered somewhat of a Casanova in Amazon’s eyes.

Utah hosted the Winter Olympics, invented fry sauce, made jell-o into unearthly creations and for the love of Donny and Marie, we gave you the Osmonds. THE OSMONDS! Have you seen their teeth? Whiter than white and bigger than life, my friends.

So, internet, I guess in a way, I am confessing my love for my state. You may point your finger at us from afar and sit in judgment of our peculiar laws, but without us, ketchup and mayo would have never found themselves together in such a delicious and unholy union.

*Technically Mitt Romney is from Detroit, but we’ll go ahead and take one for the team on this one. You’ve got enough to worry about (General Motors.)

This post was thrown up here today as participation in the ever so lovely Sprite’s Keeper and her Spin Cycle on Confessions. If you aren’t part of it, you should be. If you haven't been to Utah, well you should. The sister-wives are hotter than you think.

48 comments:

Jenni said...

JCLDS, WHAT DID HE SMELL LIKE????

Jenni said...

I can't believe you been holding out on me with this Apolo business.

MommyNamedApril said...

Mitt Romney does have some pretty rockin' hair.

Kristina P. said...

Maybe I can be your sister wife with Apolo.

gimmethejuice said...

Girl, shout it loud and shout it proud. You should be proud of your fair state.

I mean, really you should - ya'll have ENTIRE books dedicted to art and love of of JELL-O.

And the fry sauce... I just posted a blog post with part of the title being I SWEAR TO THE FRY SAUCE.... You know this mid-western girl loves her some from sauce.. Thanks to my Utah family. *fist bump*

And finally, the Ohno.... The one. The only. The Ohno. My adoration for him has grown greatly in the last couple of weeks and now that I know you have witnessed the miracle of him and were thisclose to him well that makes you pretty much famous in my eyes.

Since your post was confession post. My comment can be a confession comment. I *might* have had a tiny crush on Donny Osmond at one time and I *might* have actually owned one (or two) of his CDs.

Jamie said...

I think we need to have a snow-off. I will mail you some and you mail me some and we will compare and contrast. Except that might require me to go to the mountains *gasp* and the traffic is nuts up there. Oh, well you win.

steenky bee said...

Ladies: Do you see that girl with the hulk gloves that commented her? She's sick with love for the Ohno. You all might have to step in line after her. She is taking skating lessons and tracks his whereabouts on google earth in her crafting headquarters at home. It's scary, but sort of cute.

Michele said...

Having skied in Utah before I'll have to say that you do have the greatest snow. The sister-wife thing kind of creeps my out though. Mmmmmmm.....fry sauce.

Sprite's Keeper said...

You got HOW CLOSE? I bet he smells like snow. Since I don't know what snow smells like, I bet it's wonderful.
You're linked and I have to read this again, I love it so much!

Rebekah said...

YESSSSS! (I sound more scary than I can adequately express with typing when I say that) FRYYYYY SAUCE! Living outside of Zion for almost 12 years has in no way diminished my occasional cravings for the sauce of love. Pretty, great (and epic) post!

Middle Aged Woman said...

The entire state of Michigan thanks you for claiming Mitt. Texas has taken Kwame off our hands. Things might just be lookin' up here!

Zip n Tizzy said...

We were just debating whether or not the sister wives are hot and Brad shot me down with a resounding YES!
I can't blame him. He first made out with a girl in a gunny sack dress. I myself have moved on. That's one fantasy I'm not going to play out, but I can't say I'd turn down a couple extra husbands. I'd take one who was completely caught up in his job and brought home lots of extra money, and one that wears a large tool belt and likes to fix things.

Jenni said...

WHAT? Forget Apolo, I want me some Hulk gloves.

Captain Dumbass said...

I love Utah!


Captain Dumbass endorses this message.

for a different kind of girl said...

As an Iowan, you do realize I live in a state with legalized sister-wife action, don't you? Just some jello (we're also the jello capital of the world) for thought.

Irish Gumbo said...

Two things:

1) Baltimore in general and my place in particular got 38.3" of snow. In one weekend. Total for the year: over 77 inches. Greatest snow? Please, have some of ours.

2) Fry sauce? My dear, get with the program. B'more has been putting gravy on fries for longer than fry sauce has been around. Come to Mobtown, enjoy the bliss that is gravy fries :)

Ms. Salti said...

I lurrrve this post. I'm with you on the dissing... I can make all the pissy comments about living here, but as soon as someone else does, we're in a fight.

And really, where would we be without fry sauce?

Logical Libby said...

You aren't supposed to TELL people how cool Utah is. Then they'll come here and muck it up.

Quick! Say something about conference!

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

I love this post. And I'll admit I really like Utah. (at least the parts I've seen).

Now if only we could do something about those liquor laws....

Pines Lake Redhead said...

Girl, you sure do love your state! One day I'll spout some interesting facts about NJ. I don't live there anymore but it is my home state. I've lived in FL for 12 years and I haven't picked up many fun facts yet.

I have to admit that I needed to click on the link to fry sauce because I didn't have a clue. Thank you for including it.

♥ Braja said...

I hope you're getting paid by the county for this rampantly in-your-face promotional rant?!!! ;)

♥ Braja said...

I hope you're getting paid by the county for this rampantly in-your-face promotional rant, otherwise add "cheap bastards" to the list of glories your state owns...
:)

The Mister said...

He smelled like fry sauce, didn't he?

Rachel said...

I went to Utah once. It was lovely. There were mountains that I hiked, and a very salty lake that I swam in. Also kittens. I was 10. I can only assume that Utah has gotten even better in the last two decades.

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Tracy Lynn said...

I totally thought that I invented fry sauce. Godsdamnit.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I better add Utah to the list of potential places to move when we're finally able to get the hell out of PA. ;)

I've been living under a rock so I had to Google Apolo - got a great chuckle out of this:

Apolo Anton Ohno (pronounced /əˈpɒloʊ ˈæntɒn ˈoʊnoʊ/)

Yeah, I think I'll just pronounce it the way it looks in English. ;)

Jeff Tompkins said...

Someone from Utah once told me that the Great Salt Lake is really not all that salty. I asked her if she had tasted it and she said, "Well, no." This was followed by her gazing at the wall for about 90 seconds. I assumed she was wondering about the lake. Or maybe she just didn't want to look directly at me. I couldn't really tell. So I didn't even bother to ask her if it was "great."

Pearl said...

What can I say about Utah?

I'm from Minnesota!

Yours in snow snow snow,

Pearl

just making my way said...

Smelling Apolo has to rank high on your list of life experiences. I admit, I didn't realize just how cool Utah is...was? is? stupid tenses.

Mama Badger said...

Yeah, what did he smell like???

PB just got back from Utah. He liked it. His comment was, "Clean. Lots of Mormons. I'd go back."

Uhm, though, WTF is "fry sauce"? Sorry I'm from the NE. Do we have "fry sauce" up here? Do they bottle it and ship it out?

The Mayor said...

I noticed those Big Love sister wives all bring a different set of skillz to the family. Barb is the organizing manager of the whole shebang, Nicki has her own set of power tools and is not afraid to use them, Margene is the one who screams during sex.

I could use a snow shoveling sister wife right about now.

Middle Aged Woman said...

I totally forgot to mention my muppet love for Guy Smiley!

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I'll stick to Pa. thank you. But it does sound like a lovely state! :-) And the Apollo thing...well...the jealousy in me abounds!

Tuesday Girl said...

I want to be a sister wife! No I don't but I sure love me some Big Love!

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Oh, the Osmonds and their teeth! Where, oh, where did they get those chiclets? Obama must be shopping at the same store.

Err, sorry. I'm sort of a teeth person, if you hadn't already gathered that.

Mrsbear said...

I do not buy Barry White CDs, but I have been gifted Kenny G albums on three separate occasions. Do you think Utah would grant me entrance?

I'm a HUGE fan of Fry Sauce, if that helps.

Rick said...

I like Utah. It's got that great big flat salt thingy out there. What else does a state need?

Connie Weiss said...

I'm not quite to the point where I can profess love for Utah...maybe as I'm on my way out.

GreenJello said...

I am still reeling in unimpressed-ness since the new state motto came out. What does it mean???

And I plan to stalk Ohno soon... meet me at the Oval, K?

(And a request, pretty please, to bump the font size up one notch? It's too small for bad eyes like mine... sigh.)

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

Speaking of jell-o, I have a recipe for Rainbow Jell-o that I'd be willing to share with you. The possibilities are endless.

Also, I need a sister wife. Or maybe a housekeeper.

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