February 23, 2010

How Did I End Up With This Hot Dog?

Lately, Jeremy and I have been having a little trouble communicating with each other. It started a few weeks ago when he asked me if we could take a quick drive across town to pick up a spare set of car keys to his father’s Accord so he could drive it the following week while our truck was being serviced.

On my life, that is what he asked me.

Below, is what Jeremy, the Delusional One, claims he asked me...

“Jen, Sweetheart, mother of my children and favored lover of mine, would you be so kind to drive me to the Les Schwab Tire Center so I can spend 30 minutes drooling over rims and tires we don’t need, and watch me talk about transmissions, big game hunting and NCAA basketball with a stranger working the customer service counter? Please try to keep the children entertained. They like sitting still and the smell of galvanized rubber right?”

“Then, Light of my Life, would you shuttle me to the Dodge dealership to price shop for parts while I talk with a service technician named Dale and review the finer points of tying your own flies for fishing? Don’t be alarmed if I follow him into the service bay and disappear for twelve minutes. Dale, keeps his fly collection at his work station. I’ll still see you through the plexiglas window that separates the waiting room from the bay. And I’m going to think it’s adorable watching you wrestle both Henry and Reese simultaneously especially when you let them pull at your hair like that. I’ll be sure to wink and wave at you when you mouth the words ‘I want you NOW!*’ to me from across the way. Aw, Sugarlumps, after all these years, I’m hot for you too.”

* Let it be known, in reality, I mouthed the words, ‘We’re leaving NOW’. It was most definitely a threat and not a come on.

“Then, my love, I’ll sweep you off to a magical place, because surely you and the children will be hungry by now. Have you ever heard of Hot Dog Heaven? Well I have, and it’s delightful. Don’t let the location in a poorly lit, suspect strip mall color your opinion of what you are about to experience. Sure the guy working the counter may be a bit on the ornery and slightly unkempt side, but that’s all part of his charm. He packs a mean Chicago Dog according to Utah standards. Trust me, Snookums, you won’t be disappointed.”

“What’s that Honeybuns? You say Reese has just made a present in her diaper and you didn’t pack extras because you had no idea you’d be away from home for three hours? Don’t you worry your nappy little head. I’ll run to the store up the street and fetch a package of diapers that will be two sizes too small. I will forget to buy wipes. You just wait here with the hungry kids for our food. Go ahead and start without me…if you can. Because little do you know, I’m taking my wallet and the car with your purse locked inside. You won’t have any means to pay for the food until I return. Fifteen minutes later.”

“And Lover Nugget, once we’ve finished our slightly cold food, it’s time for the final act of the night. We just need to drive down the road to pick up the spare set of car keys from my father so I can drive his Accord while our truck is being serviced next week.”

That little misunderstanding up there? Cost me more than three hours of my life and way too many calories. But have no worries. Next week, unbeknownst to Jeremy, he will accompany me to purse party and a Mary Kay open house. As far as he knows, I just have to “swing” by a friend’s house for one hot minute.

39 comments:

Middle Aged Woman said...

Wow, how could he NOT get laid after a trip like that? You must have been totally HOT by the time you got home!

Kristina P. said...

How does he feel about buying tampons?

Jenni said...

grounds for divorce.

Keely said...

"nappy little head", bwahhahhahahah!

So where'd you bury the body?

Writings of a Student said...

I'm amazed you didn't smack him. However, I feel you on some of those statements. You would think men would grow up someday, but apparently that's way too hard! I'm sure he loves you though, he's just a guy.

Captain Dumbass said...

Did you get any pictures of those flies?

Michele said...

I'm pretty sure you could find a Tupperware party to fit into week because you do live in Utah. And, don't you just need to do some bra shopping also? Nothing says love like leaving them in the intimate apparel section of the store with two hungry children.

Jess said...

Well NOW I understand why you and Shaun ran off together...

Not The Rockefellers said...

So not fair...you get all the best stuff.

Rene

word verf is burfrec...that would be the description of your day with a mouthful of hotdog...yeah, that's right...hotdog.

Pamela said...

man fail.

ha. and my word is 'revel'. as if.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

Oh puddin' hon' sounds like you're going on a shopping trip or two with Mrs. Steenky and some of her girlfriends. How do you feel about holding their purses and trying on dresses with them?

Grrr...men. Sorta reminds me of when I was a teen and my dad said, "Come downtown with me, we're just going to pick up the truck." Yeah...right.

Logical Libby said...

How are Dads never aware of the size of diapers needed ? THAT DRIVES ME NUTS!!!

And you should make him model that make-up.

Tuesday Girl said...

how canyou expect him to know diaper sizes and that you need wipes WITH diapers when he has fly fishing on his mind??

gimmethejuice said...

OK, seriously that was totally funny and then I read this:

LOVER NUGGET and I seriously spit my diet coke out.

You are too funny.

Paula said...

I am fairly certain Shaun White would never, ever do this to you.

Becky said...

Ha! Did you punch him right in the sugarlumps? I hate hate HATE those kinds of errands!

Purse party. Hee!

for a different kind of girl said...

We should all be so lucky to have a hot hunk o' man like that! I'm also captivated by the idea of a Chicago dog that conforms to Utah standards.

p.s. - If you ever get tired of that smoldering love, just fyi, I'm still here.

Ms. Salti said...

What a little shit!

gretchen said...

My husband and I have similarly excellent communication. Only, while yours says one thing and expects you to read between the lines to interpret his true meaning, mine simply says nothing at all, and expects me to read his mind. Both methods = no sex.

Zip n Tizzy said...

So are you saying I should thank my lucky stars I have a shy husband who doesn't like to talk to strangers?
It can be a setback at parties, but gets us out of shopping centers FAST!

Bee said...

I know what you mean. The other day Andy said "Hold the door" but what he REALLY said was "I need you to open the door and grab this bag to my left and then balance on the top stair while I shimmy sideways down the stairs." Stupidly, I just held the door and then he hit his hip and now it's MY fault he's limping.

Casey said...

Youch. I guess Jeremy won't been needing those rubbers after all cuz after that fiasco, your shop is CLOSED FOR BUSINESS.

lizgizzy said...

Hoo boy, Les Schwab and Lover Nugget bahaaahahhah, oh man-wipes tears from eyes! I need to catch my breath.

Seriously, never, ever, let 'em choose the restaruant after a day like that.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Payback's a bitch. I wonder if he's an Autumn or a Winter..

Melanie said...

I'm so glad your back!!!! you always make my day just a little more entertaining!

AZGrl-Denise said...

Ok, Jen... If I were not wipng tears (from laughing) from my eyes, and if I didn't know what a great guy Jeremy actually is) (trust me.... He's a keeper) I could give you the sympathy you surely deserve. But serously, I must share with my own loved ones, your lovely and entertaining posts.
I think you may have missed your calling in life,(at least momentarily). You really need to be a writer. I sense great things in your future...(and they do NOT involve marketing)...where you are going, someone else will take care of that!

Rachel said...

ahahahahahahaha! It is was my husband, he would have thought he told me his plans, and then be surprised he'd only told them to himself, and hurt that I was MAD.

Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

That sounds like a great day out to me.

I don't see the problem ... *COUGH*

Carolyn...Online said...

Weird. It's like you've cracked the code. You need to publish translations online.

Casey said...

I am 99.99% sure I'm going to BlogHer. Shut up!

One Womans Thoughts said...

Next time, if there is one, take a video camera and do a commentary. Although it was a crazy day for you, you made your readers laugh and be reminded of their own stories.

Peggy said...

Cut. Off. For. A. Month.

Peggy said...

Cut. Off. For. A. Month.

apathy lounge said...

Hmmm. Purse party or Mary Kay? Which one will cause his head to cave in??

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I love the fact that you already have your payback lined up. You're my hero.

The Mayor said...

My husband has not been discussing anything with me pertinent to our potential move out of Michigan. I'm supposed to analyze the necessary data by telepathy or something.

Kaylen said...

This makes me really wish I was married still. Priceless moments of deep-seated love shining through.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Bwahahaha, Ms. Tom Imus-ette. Just see to it that he gets an eyebrow wax and a chemical peel. And then all will be right with the world.

Mrsbear said...

!!!!!

Sounds magical...and slightly familiar.

I got left at the DMV on Friday, the husband got distracted talking to a neighbor when he assured me he was on his way. Literally right around the corner. After 20 minutes of standing by the Wendy's and looking like a cranky hooker, I finally called him back.

"Now, I'm really going. I'll be there in a minute."

At least you got hot dogs?

You did try to smother him with one, didn't you?