January 22, 2009

I Cleaned House Then I Had an Idea That Seemed Much Better in My Head

I totally had another post ready to put up today, but then I spent a good deal of my early morning cleaning out my inbox and I thought, “Hey this would make great blog fodder!” (I’m telling you, I’ve been MIA for so long, I actually thought this was one of my greatest ideas ever.)


People, if you learn one thing from Steenkybee, let it be to never step away from your blog for too long. If you do, you'll stop thinking like a blogger. If you learn two things from Steenkybee, it’s that it’s never a good idea to talk, or write, in the third person. People hate that crap.

So anyway, back to my inbox. I had 4528 emails in my inbox. All of them had been read with the exception of two from the Irish National Bank, one from my accountant and four from Barnes & Noble. Yes, I neglected the important tax information tip from my accountant and decided to read IMPORTANT BUSINES DEALINGS CONFEDENTAL from Mr. Asa Redlnikerneter. (And, yes, is would seem that Mr. Redlnikemeter does not know how to spell ‘business’ or ‘confidential’ but I thought I would hear him out anyway.)

Now, over 4000 emails may seem like a lot, but don’t be fooled. I’ve had my yahoo account for years and have never tidied it up once. But today I created folders and folders within folders to classify and file almost all of my correspondence. As I was cleaning house in my email account, I came across all the correspondence that I’ve had with one blogger for almost a year.


That person? Captain Dumbass. I’m going to take the high road and not divulge how many emails I had from him because the sheer number is borderline embarrassing. I will, however, feel free to share with you some of the subject lines of the emails.

Twenty-one of those emails had JENNY POSTED! in the subject line. For months the Captain would alert me whenever The Bloggess posted. If I cracked the top 25 comments on her site, I only had him to thank with the exception of one time in the produce section of our grocery store when my iPhone crashed while I was posting a comment to Jenny’s site. I screamed “I HATE YOU!” at it, but my husband thought I was talking about the oranges. We then proceeded to have a very involved conversation on how nobody should have hard feelings toward any fruit, let alone oranges. I have never let my husband forget that that “fruit talk” cost me a top ten spot in Jenny's comment section. I wound up somewhere in the thirties. The Bloggess is powerful.

The moral of that last paragraph? I’ll never let fruit, or Steve Jobs come between me and reaching my commenting goals. Never.

Okay, back to the subject lines from the Captain:
6 emails had OMG! In the subject line.
2 emails had YOUR MOM in the subject line. (I didn’t go back and read them, but I assume he was talking smack about my mom which is unfortunate because my mom is an occasional reader of his blog. It’s even more unfortunate that I have become cyber friends with the Captain’s mom.)
8 emails had YOUR PACKAGE in the subject line.
3 emails had MY PACKAGE in the subject line. (I did not dare look at any of these.)
12 emails had no subject line but in the body of the email, the Captain simply wrote what he had for lunch or dinner.
7 emails simply had NEED HELP! in the subject line. (Boy, did he ever.)
In 1 email he quoted Vanilla Ice lyrics to both me and Jeremy. (Jeremy now has a serious man-crush on him.)

In the end, I didn’t have the heart to delete any of these emails, so I gave the Captain his own folder in my organization system titled 'Dumbass'. I did this not because I’m sentimental, but because some of them have some good dirt that I will use on him later. And since times are tough, I’m accepting bribes from anyone (including you, mom) who would like to harass the Captain.

P.S.: This post didn’t start out as a ribbing (tribute) to Captain Dumbass, but it sure did end up that way.

P.P.S.: Way back in November, before my break, I promised a few other fellow bloggers that I would spotlight them. I haven't forgotten. You'll get yours next week.

P.P.S.: Wow, that came off a little threatening. Sorry.

67 comments:

Rebekah said...

Top 25!

jen said...

i would have totally avoided the "my package" ones too.
eek.
i swear if i took a blogging break ... i would come back to zip zero nada messages.
and my followers would dwindle to nothing.
oh well. at least i wouldn't have to create folders!

Sprite's Keeper said...

Top 5!
"Something funny here"
(I think I've done that schtick before..)

Jess said...

You really have to keep your eye on those Canadians...they will totally show you their package at the drop of a hat...

Mama Dawg said...

I, too, have a folder labeled Dumbass that has e-mails I've gotten from the Captain and like you, some of them have good blackmail material.

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, and I've totally been missing you, too!

Casey said...

Man, that's a lot of emails to sort through. You and the Captain have quite a history, especially if you can talk about each other's moms without any strife.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

At least none of them said "your mom's package" no that is just wrong

I so love Captain Dumbass!

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

At least none of them said "your mom's package" no that is just wrong

I so love Captain Dumbass!

Maggie May said...

i think i need a Dumbass package in my inbox!

oh will my hilarity ever end

HeatherPride said...

This is a fellow I need to visit more often. I've been slacking.

Kat said...

Did I make the top 25?

Kat said...

Sa-Weet! I probably should start a Dumbass folder too....But then again I usually just IM him to ask him if my idea is crap or not

Marinka said...

Great package.

Thanks for telling Marinka that people hate it when she posts in the third person. Maybe next time you'll tell Marinka that before she publishes a third person post.

Cakelet said...

I've read Captain Dumbass's comments on other blogs and I always enjoy them. Guess I should go check him and his package out.

Melanie D said...

There is way to much talk about my brothers package....... I thought his therapist told him not to send that kind of stuff anymore??

Pamela said...

all this talk of packages. you're either easily accessible, or ummm...easy...i think that's the word i'm looking for here... if people are offering up said packages so, ummm, easily.

easy.

speaking of easy, i'm giving away better-than-sex-that-is-average pickles for one world, one heart.

Momma Trish said...

I'm scared to check the number of emails I have. I never clean house either.

I heart the Dumbass!

Debbie said...

I'm just glad you're back. Seems that all too often, once I put a blog on my blogroll, the blogger stops blogging.

I'm a blog-killer.

I'm glad I didn't kill yours. I was starting to think I had.

Robin said...

I, too, have an email folder titled "Dumbass."
Only it's filled with messages from my boss...
(D'oh!)

Captain Dumbass said...

I do not have a folder titled "Dumbass." Mine simply says 'outbox.' And I have never talked smack about your mother, you know I love her. I there anyway we could come to some sort of financial 'understanding' in regards to those emails?

BTW, for breakfast this morning I had 3 cups of coffee and a bowl of Kashi & Quaker's Harvest Crunch with a liberal hand full of dried cranberries.

ANITA ovolina said...

How funny I read your post today! I just wrote something about internet friendships and I thought it was ironic that you wrote about Captain! Not that I am suggesting there was anything inappropriate :)
I enjoy your blog being back
Cheers,
Anita

Mary Anna said...

Yippee! Top 25!

I'm not sure why people get excited to admit blogger stalking?!

Anyhoo, missed you, welcome back and I have 3,868 messages in my Gmail account and I'm down to 1,794 in Hotmail (because that's my junk account and I delete pages at a time but I don't dare delete any gems from my Gmail!

Mary Anna said...

Oh, and Captain has never sent me an email about his package. I see how it goes.

beth said...

I hope you didn't delete the ones with the subject "His Package"! I want to see those (it?) for sure.

Miss Grace said...

I can't decide if my life would be more interesting if I started emailing you more, or started striking up conversations with Captain Dumbass. maybe both?

TattooedMinivanMom said...

SHIT!

27!

At least it's before those losers in the 30's.

And just because I can't spell BUSINES and CONFEDENTAL doesn't mean you have to make fun of me.

Great! Now everyone knows my real name is ASA REDLNIKERNETER.

Chris Wood said...

Oh hey, we can blackmail bloggers? Hum. This might backfire. (offers handfuls of cash nervously)

Do you take bribes too? Bump my comments up a little here, hmm?

Khadra said...

for poops sake Jen, I want a folder too. That is it! Im going to start sending you some ridiculous emails.

supreme leader said...

I, too, love the Dumbass. There does seem to bee a lot of talk about the Dumbass package.

Cat said...

I would have assumed "my package" was presents for me, and read them all.

colepack said...

I am totally a dumbass fan. Although I am anal about my folders none of ya have any in my inbox. Well, HASAY does so I take that back :)

Heinous said...

I try not to outsource for harassing the Captain. I never get top spots anymore and I don't even have a fruit-talking husband... sigh.

Krystal said...

ahh the insanity that is the Steenky - glad to know that you are getting back into the scheme of things!

Krystal said...

sorry nothing witty to leave that is why i left that lame comment - you know, just to let you know I still care

Mc Allen said...

yeah, why is it that you leave for a bit and get mesages, I leave and I loose 4 followers... It aint right... And way back in Nov. I am one of the one's you said you would spotlight... It was suuuuuuuch a long time ago you might have trouble remembering. I am a very patient person, so I'll just be here, waiting......
:) Glad your back!! ♥ LA

Irish Gumbo said...

Man, The Captain gets his own folder. (sigh) I am such a rookie. Someday, Captain, someday...those are footsteps comin' up behind you...

Jeez, I thought I was a slacker for having less than 200 in my inbox. Steenky, I bow to your superior collection abilities!

The Stiletto Mom said...

Once a Dumbass, always a Dumbass...but a loveable one.

You should frame them and create some type of gallery. People would travel from miles around, sort of like Field of Dreams.

Yeah, the flu meds are kicking in.

Tracy Lynn said...

Dude, I will tell you this RIGHT NOW, if I do not get roasted in Steenkybee, you and I will have an ISSUE. And I have SPOONS.

Just sayin'.

Bee said...

I aspire to have my own little folder one day ::sighs::.

bfs ~ "Mimi" said...

I could have NEVER made it through 4000 emails. Obliviously (not a word), you are far more patient that most people!!!

Keely said...

If I stepped away from the blogs for a month...I'd probably get a phone call from my Mom, wanting to know why I hadn't posted any pictures of Xander, and that would be it.

sigh. I *aspire* to multiple emails labelled "MY PACKAGE".

anymommy said...

Wow. I sincerely hope I am never as email popular as you are! I get stressed when I have 45 emails in my email account. I would have to be committed if there were 4000.

Carolyn...Online said...

We're supposed to clean out our email? That's another chore I'll never do.

wendy said...

Oh, I'm jealous. And at like 40 something on this list. Humph.

I would have read all the emails with 'the package' first...kinda like foreplay.

I know I had nothing to do with it but, how much do I love that you are telling what you had for lunch/breakfast/whatever?
What'd you have for lunch?
Cool.

ChurchPunkMom said...

ChurchPunkMom totally agrees with SteenkyBee's lessons.. Wise words.

She also enjoys harassing Captain Dumbass and sending him pictures of her boobs.. I mean skateboards and tattoos... yeah.

Susan said...

You're hysterical... and I love The Blogess but there is way too much pressure in commenting there. I seriously get anxiety!

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Dana's Brain said...

Jeez, not only am I comment 8 billion and forty=three, I have to come after the weight loss spam comment?!?

That just sucks. (Love the post!)

Jonny's Mommy said...

All I'm gonna say is I am so glad we don't have a e-mail friendship.

Dang....I'd like to know the dirt you've got on him!

Chris said...

LOL - I read a comment somewhere out there in blogland earlier today that was from Captain Dumbass. It said something about "too much talk about packages lately" and NOW I know what he was talking about.

BTW, I'm very jealous of your Dumbass folder. Dumbass...Dumbass... Dumbass. Why is that so fun to say?

for a different kind of girl said...

Purely by some kind of fairy magic, I ended up the third commenter on The Bloggess' most recent post. Seriously. I know!

And I come, hat in hand if I wore a hat (which I really should because, not to brag, I can wear a hat pretty darn well), and ashamed that I'm the 52nd commenter here today. What the what?!

I recently deleted more than 3,000 emails from my inbox. Sadly, none of them addressed my package.

Jenni Jiggety said...

My email box is OUT OF CONTROL. Know what I need? A blog secretary.

FoN said...

I think I have a folder called Dumbass too, but I'm too scared to look in it.

Vodka Mom said...

Don't you know by now that you're supposed to put p.s. at the end.

Have I taught you NOTHING???? p.s.

Vodka Mom said...

and where's my package?????

Vodka Mom said...

AND my drink? p.s.

kirsty815 said...

I haven't reached Captain Dumbass comment coolness yet. Sigh! I've seen the horns appear on other sites and wondered what they've done to gain him as a visitor. Maybe I need to email him a picture of my package? Ummm then again maybe not...lol I've commented on his site but alas I think I'm too boring for him..lol Cool tribute!

PS Ummm totally think you or he should do a blog about his package seems it's now created quite a buzz..lol

Dr Zibbs said...

I love that header so much I can't stand it.

shopgirl said...

seriously (sp?) you are the funniest blogger out there! Needed a good laugh right now - and so glad your back!! Don't ever go away for that long again!! ; )

April said...

haha, i love that he alerted you to the bloggess!

Becky said...

Aw, sweet! I need a cyberfriend like him.

And I'm still having afterglow from the time I was the FIRST comment on one of the rare occasions Dooce had comments opened. First!!! Nothing really great happened tho.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Welcome back! I keep hearing great things about you and just finally got over to your blog. I really, really want to see the emails title "My pacgkage" hee hee.... It makes me wish (almost) that I was saving all my random correspondence with other bloggers, but that I just tossed into the little trashcan yesterday!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

OK - this is weird. I just came over here to see where you've been ... and you've been posting, but I haven't been getting your posts. So???? I guess I will unsubscribe and resubscribe. Weird. I hate it when cyberspace technology lets me down!

apathy lounge said...

During the election season CD and I started our own little internet communication. Seems Canada was doing the same and he wanted an Obama sign to hang at his house. And he got one. Yeah...that was me. I think I cracked the Top 25 of Bloggess's comments ONCE. You literally have to camp out by the computer, though. Next time, I'll have to wear some Depends.

Kelly said...

Wowee, wee, wee.
You brought everyone out on this post.
Including me.
I wish I had 'package' emails, instead I'm stuck with winning the UK "Lotto" over 40 times.
I guess I'm lucky?

XOXO
PS I need to stop breaking & start blogging, too.

Wicked Step Mom said...

Bear is still upset with the Captain for offering his maid duties to me. He even offered to wear a French Maid outfit and that is what put it over the edge!

Glad you are back!