The Spin Cycle: Children of the Corn(field)

This week, the beautiful, handy-dandy painter of houses, Sprite's Keeper, asked us each to put our spin on Halloween. Well, gather round folks, I've got a Halloween tale for you. It involves pain, internal struggle, hunger and public nudity. And it happened to me less than a week ago. Many moons will pass before I will be able to completely forget the events of Saturday, October 25th and the mindless destruction I witnessed that day.

Our day started off harmless enough. Jeremy turned to me and said, "Hey, I've got forty dollars burning a hole in my pocket. Why don't we pack up the kids, take them to an extremely overpriced farm where we can pay out the nose for entrance fees? Then, the kids can run around like their hair is on fire and we can pick up some super expensive pumpkins before we leave?"


"Deal." I said, "But only on one condition. I'd also like to blow a ridiculous amount of cash on popcorn and soft drinks. Oooh, and pig races. For the love of everything I hold dear in my heart, please let there be pig races!"


On the way to the farm, that just so happens to across the street from our house, Henry looked up at his father and me with wide eyes and said, "If it's alright with you guys, I'd really like run you both ragged so much so that you'll second guess any sort of physical stamina that you think you might have. Also, I probably won't listen to a word you say about staying near you at all times. Oh, and I plan on throwing a fit when it's time to leave the farm too."


Super. The Steenky family stopped right there in the middle of the road and high-fived each other until our palms were red. We didn't linger for too long though because no one likes a bunch of cocky people standing in the street high-living each other. Well, that's what the nice lady in the minivan shouted at us as she sped past us.


As soon as we entered the farm, we made our way over to the Kiddie Corn Maze. Reese wasn't too hip on traipsing through a corn field. Instead, she opted for the "I'm too cool for mom" game.

Henry, eager to get going on the corn maze demanded that we get going now. I believe his exact words were, "Let's get this party started, yo."

I thought it would be nice to capture a family moment on film before the journey to the center of the corn began. Here's a picture of Jeremy and Henry just moments before Jeremy slipped on an errant cob of corn lying in the dirt. He tumbled to the ground and grabbed his knee, wincing in pain.


I asked him over and over if he was alright. He just kept screaming, "Gimme the juice, doc! Gimme the juice!"

A nice gentleman, who identified himself as a doctor stepped forward and offered his help. I knelt down by my husband and stroked his hair, trying to comfort him. I gently kissed his forehead. I looked lovingly into his eyes and asked him, "If I get you the help you need, do you promise to finally clean out the garage?"

With all eyes on Jeremy, I barely even noticed when Henry took off running at a dead sprint into the corn field.


I jumped up and ran after the little guy in what I thought was a powerful stride. Halfway into my first turn, an elderly woman asked me to get out of her way as she lapped me. Eventually, I caught up Henners. He was huddled up in a corner looking quite terrified.

I grabbed him and pulled him up to me. "I'll never let you go, son!" I exclaimed, "No matter what!"

I then noticed a piece of yummy looking candy half buried in the dirt. I immediately threw Henners aside and snatched up the treat before my son had a chance to get to it first. I mean, who doesn't love free candy? By the time I stood up with my sweet score, Henners was off and running again.

I stood there, stunned. What was happening to my little guy? Was Henners now possessed? Was there any more free candy further down the trail?

I was all alone. I panicked and just began Twittering everyone I knew. I thought my cyber friends would help me out of this mess. I wrote "Help me. I've lost my son and I am stuck in a corn hole."

I must say, I received the most disgusting replies to @jenboglass via Twitter. People. Do you all know something about corn-holing that I don't know? Thanks for nothing.

I tried my hardest to gather my composure. My head told me to remain calm. My gut told me to go look for candy. As I moved forward, I heard something rustling in the stalks up ahead. It was followed by laughter. I recognized it as Henry's. I increased my pace immediately.

"Son!" I shouted, "Are you alright? Do you know where they're hiding more of those Snickers Bars?"

Then I spied a familiar small blonde head hidden in the stalks. I sneaked in a little closer.

It was Henry. Finally, relief swept over me. I was overjoyed to finally reunite with him. If luck was on my side, he would have chocolate. But as I approached him, I noticed something odd, something not quite right about him.

"What are you doing!" I shouted.


As I got closer, I noticed Henners, standing there, semi-nude, peeing in the open wind. To make matters worse. He had used a snack size Hershey's Bar as a target.

I take no issue with public urination. But when someone defiles a perfectly good candy bar....well, that is just unforgivable.

Happy Halloween!

Programming note: The Steeky family is gonna party like it's 1987 and unplug from the interweb for a few days. See you all Monday!