October 30, 2008

The Spin Cycle: Children of the Corn(field)

This week, the beautiful, handy-dandy painter of houses, Sprite's Keeper, asked us each to put our spin on Halloween. Well, gather round folks, I've got a Halloween tale for you. It involves pain, internal struggle, hunger and public nudity. And it happened to me less than a week ago. Many moons will pass before I will be able to completely forget the events of Saturday, October 25th and the mindless destruction I witnessed that day.

Our day started off harmless enough. Jeremy turned to me and said, "Hey, I've got forty dollars burning a hole in my pocket. Why don't we pack up the kids, take them to an extremely overpriced farm where we can pay out the nose for entrance fees? Then, the kids can run around like their hair is on fire and we can pick up some super expensive pumpkins before we leave?"


"Deal." I said, "But only on one condition. I'd also like to blow a ridiculous amount of cash on popcorn and soft drinks. Oooh, and pig races. For the love of everything I hold dear in my heart, please let there be pig races!"


On the way to the farm, that just so happens to across the street from our house, Henry looked up at his father and me with wide eyes and said, "If it's alright with you guys, I'd really like run you both ragged so much so that you'll second guess any sort of physical stamina that you think you might have. Also, I probably won't listen to a word you say about staying near you at all times. Oh, and I plan on throwing a fit when it's time to leave the farm too."


Super. The Steenky family stopped right there in the middle of the road and high-fived each other until our palms were red. We didn't linger for too long though because no one likes a bunch of cocky people standing in the street high-living each other. Well, that's what the nice lady in the minivan shouted at us as she sped past us.


As soon as we entered the farm, we made our way over to the Kiddie Corn Maze. Reese wasn't too hip on traipsing through a corn field. Instead, she opted for the "I'm too cool for mom" game.

Henry, eager to get going on the corn maze demanded that we get going now. I believe his exact words were, "Let's get this party started, yo."


I thought it would be nice to capture a family moment on film before the journey to the center of the corn began. Here's a picture of Jeremy and Henry just moments before Jeremy slipped on an errant cob of corn lying in the dirt. He tumbled to the ground and grabbed his knee, wincing in pain.


I asked him over and over if he was alright. He just kept screaming, "Gimme the juice, doc! Gimme the juice!"

A nice gentleman, who identified himself as a doctor stepped forward and offered his help. I knelt down by my husband and stroked his hair, trying to comfort him. I gently kissed his forehead. I looked lovingly into his eyes and asked him, "If I get you the help you need, do you promise to finally clean out the garage?"

With all eyes on Jeremy, I barely even noticed when Henry took off running at a dead sprint into the corn field.


I jumped up and ran after the little guy in what I thought was a powerful stride. Halfway into my first turn, an elderly woman asked me to get out of her way as she lapped me. Eventually, I caught up Henners. He was huddled up in a corner looking quite terrified.


I grabbed him and pulled him up to me. "I'll never let you go, son!" I exclaimed, "No matter what!"

I then noticed a piece of yummy looking candy half buried in the dirt. I immediately threw Henners aside and snatched up the treat before my son had a chance to get to it first. I mean, who doesn't love free candy? By the time I stood up with my sweet score, Henners was off and running again.


I stood there, stunned. What was happening to my little guy? Was Henners now possessed? Was there any more free candy further down the trail?


I was all alone. I panicked and just began Twittering everyone I knew. I thought my cyber friends would help me out of this mess. I wrote "Help me. I've lost my son and I am stuck in a corn hole."


I must say, I received the most disgusting replies to @jenboglass via Twitter. People. Do you all know something about corn-holing that I don't know? Thanks for nothing.

I tried my hardest to gather my composure. My head told me to remain calm. My gut told me to go look for candy. As I moved forward, I heard something rustling in the stalks up ahead. It was followed by laughter. I recognized it as Henry's. I increased my pace immediately.

"Son!" I shouted, "Are you alright? Do you know where they're hiding more of those Snickers Bars?"

Then I spied a familiar small blonde head hidden in the stalks. I sneaked in a little closer.

It was Henry. Finally, relief swept over me. I was overjoyed to finally reunite with him. If luck was on my side, he would have chocolate. But as I approached him, I noticed something odd, something not quite right about him.

"What are you doing!" I shouted.


As I got closer, I noticed Henners, standing there, semi-nude, peeing in the open wind. To make matters worse. He had used a snack size Hershey's Bar as a target.


I take no issue with public urination. But when someone defiles a perfectly good candy bar....well, that is just unforgivable.
Happy Halloween!
Programming note: The Steeky family is gonna party like it's 1987 and unplug from the interweb for a few days. See you all Monday!

82 comments:

TattooedMinivanMom said...

FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

I can't breath I'm laughing so hard...you're the coolest hooker EVER!

PAPATV said...

Oh, you set me up! I thought he was going to be peeing in a pumpkin.
Pumpkin pees rock!

Momma Trish said...

What a waste of perfectly good chocolate!! NOOOOOO!!

Absolutely adorable and hilarious. As always.

The blogosphere will miss you this weekend. Have fun!

Mc Allen said...

sooooo many things are wrong, very wrong with all of this, the least of which is what good sports those poor helpless men are...I'm just horrified that eldrely lady did't just reach right out and trip you, you were way out of line... The thing about wasting chocolate is nearly more than I can bear, and I sincerely hope that you gave poor Henry the juice for goodness sakes... hugs Henry, on your side in Oklahoma, LA

goodfather said...

Top five! Almost.

What's wrong with being stuck in a corn hole? I don't get it. I worked on a farm, and my nickname was Cornholio. It thought it was a compliment.

Awesome trip to the pumpkin patch! Too funny. Have a great weekend!

The Stiletto Mom said...

Seventh!!! Ok now I'm going back to read, I was overly optomistic that stalking you before the sun came up would yield a higher comment number...but no.... Hey, I broke the top then though!

Laufa said...

He was just sparing you from the calories. But oh so funny how he did it!!! Wasting chocolate is a sin, I agree with McAllen.

Carolyn...Online said...

I've been to that corn maze/ farm/ scam. Well, not that one, but you know. I wish little girls could pee in the corn field without getting pee all over their pants and shoes and socks causing ear piercing sreams. It's not cool to scream in the corn field.

DeeMarie said...

LOVE IT!! Enjoy your little break from the internet world!! When I read Henry's initial statement, I really thought at the end he'd say, "And don't be mean at me!"
Glad you found him, thrilled you found free candy, and absolutely smitten with the public peeing shot. TOO CUTE!!
You rock, my friend. Hugs.

Casey said...

Man woman, you've got me laughing my arse off over here. Where did Henry get that evil smirk? Please ask him not to teach it to my kids, their "I'm gonna knife you when you're sleeping" faces are bad enough. I'm glad you're taking a few days off to relax and hopefully run a triathlon.

Heinous said...

LOL...that is too damn funny. Hmm...so how exactly DO you get stuck in a corn hole?

for a different kind of girl said...

I'm totally busting now on my raging crush on Henry. I've been totally compelled to blow raspberries into his neck and make him laugh.

I shall miss you this weekend, but admire your goal. Stay gold, Jen!

Cameron said...

I can only hope Jeremy taught him to pee down-wind.

Michele said...

All 3 year olds must pee in public. It's an unwritten law. At least Henry chose the depths of a corn field. My youngest picked the "No Parking" sign in front of my office while the President of the company was parking in the space next to him. I'll never live that down. No wait, I'll never live down dancing half naked at the Christmas party. That's right!

Mama Dawg said...

I LOVE your son! He is my new hero!

Sprite's Keeper said...

Just when I thought you couldn't get any funnier... Peeing on chocolate?!?!? You're linked and just gave the Spin Cycle a PG-13 rating for tushy exposure!

Jenni said...

bawhahahahahaha!

bessie.viola said...

So hilarious. I love that Henry just whipped it out to pee right there... he is a country boy, that one!

Happy Halloween!

mongoliangirl said...

TOO funny! Oh my gosh! I am officially inviting myself, my husband and at least 2 or 3 of our pets to your family's next corn maze trip. (I'll bring chocolate and we'll keep it in that secret pocket in my purse!)
Too funny Steenky! Love it!

Sal said...

That is awesome! I am full out crying laughing so hard, at work of all places. I think I just wet myself a bit. I think I might have to take one of those hard candy things to the bathroom with me as a target.

See you on Monday, with more stories of Halloween goodness I hope, and less of the wasted candy bars. That just hurts my heart to no end.

Captain Dumbass said...

Henners is the king! I'm totally disappointed in Connor now.

Jess said...

You had me at public nudity! I enjoyed the story...oddly his behavior of peeing in public will not change as he ages. Believe me, when the beer hits, it HITS!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Great pics. I never see things like corn fields at the beach. Weird. I wonder why?

Colepack said...

I see a public urination contest between Henners and Beano!! I love it. You even have a little bootie showing!!!
The story was amazing. I love to read them.
ummm...... where should Beano pee next????

Khadra said...

ew, way too early to think about corn holes.

ok maybe there is never a good time for that.

Great stroy :)

blissfullycaffeinated said...

I swear, you need to get that kid in the pictures. Or something more modern sounding. He has the best expressions.

This? Was epic. In a good way. Like usually epics are boring and involve battles and sea journeys that took place thousands of years ago and does anyone really care about Odysseus anymore?

But this, was pure gold. A little piece of epic corn maze magic. That ended with bare butt.

Did Jeremy recover? Is he going to finally clean the garage? Did Reese get you all home safely? I think there may be a sequel in this.

As for the unplugging thing: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

I will miss you, my sister from a snowy state. But enjoy your weekend. xo

ali said...

I think the 3 second rule still applies to peed on chocolate. Their little bladders couldn't possibly hold more than 3 seconds worth of urine. It was probably still good!

Katie said...

Hilarious! But where was Reese? Did she stay behind to tend to Jeremy while you were looking for Henry? I feel like there should be a Paul Harvey follow-up!

Enjoy your tech-free weekend!

Rhea said...

That was hilarious. I loved it. You CRACK ME UP!!

King of New York Hacks said...

nothing better to get the true spirit of halloween than peeing in a cornfield.

Wicked Step Mom said...

Pig races, check...
Running children, check...
Injuried hubby, check...
Peeing in a corn field, double check..

Sounds like the perfect weekend to me!

Rebekah said...

Things I learned today:

a) Cornhole: don't say it lightly
b) Some cornholes contain CANDY!
c) Those cornholes, unfortunately, are in Utah...
d) Don't pee on the candy in the cornhole

Ann said...

GREAT!!!!!
This was too much fun!
Have a great weekend

gingela5 said...

Haha...that's great! SO much better than my Corn Maize story. I totally should have had my husband pee in the maze...although his behind isn't as cute as little ones...geez this got awkward quickly...

Lizgizzy said...

I was laughing so hard I was snorting, I love this. I've been stalking for a while, I love your blogg

jen said...

37th!!!!!!!!!! (i think!)

apparently you are tops with people that don't work. ;)

that was HILARIOUS. do you tell henners to pose? 'cause seriously...that kid has the best faces.
we'll miss you this weekend. enjoy the unpluggedness of it all.

Tuesday Girl said...

really? pig races?
Where do you live woman!

Cat said...

I have never been so frightened in my life.

Preston said...

OMG you are too hilarious. I love your pictures!

Captain Dumbass said...

Why is it Supreme Leader reads your posts and laughs and laughs but only gives mine an occasional snort?

bsouth said...

ha ha ha ha ha! I can't write anything funny because i'm laughing too much myself. I hope Jeremy's knee recovered.

Miss Grace said...

Last year my family went to the corn maze and Gabriel had a Diarrhea shit explosion and I had no more diapers so I stripped him naked and hosed him down and then he was running around naked from the waist down and he was only 1 1/2 but we were in that scary red middle part of California and the mens in the Wranglers were lookin awful offended that my uncircumsized child was running around raping their eye space. It was awesome.

Maggie May said...

hahahah and snort ha!

Kelly said...

I thought this was necessary to tell you:

Once when talking to my aunt about hill-billy golf, she brought up "corn hole" I guess this is a drunken game you play by throwing bean bags (filled with corn, perhaps?) into a wooden box with holes in the top. I guess you try to get points by getting the corn bags into the hole.

:] Corn bags, corn holes, & peeing on candy. You officially made my Thursday before I have to run along to serve fat customers for minimum wage! ^_^
Have a great weekend, guys!
Kelly (a fellow stalker)

HeatherPride said...

I only had time to look at the pictures, dangit!! And also, I'm 46th. Talk about a rip.

Gah.

However, I will say that you are all super adorable!

GreenJello said...

You mean people didn't have the internet in 1987? How did they survive???

:)

shopgirl said...

Doubled over from laughing so hard over here!! You are too funny!! Loved the story and the pictures!!

Enjoy your trip back in time!! 87 - what a fun year that was!! hmmm... no internet - and no cell phones - how DID I survive? Oh yeah, there were BOYS!!! ;-)

Mc Allen said...

Listen, I'm just about gettin ready to post a nekked pic's of myself on my blog every single time I see Jen post something over here..People racing to be first, why, its un american...That will fix her wagon.

Debbie said...

Thanks! I needed that tonight!!

Robin said...

Oh girl, too bad you didn't call me. I am a TOTAL expert on corn holing. I have my Masters. Happy to share the dirty deets. :)
Way cute baby butt, btw.

Pamela said...

FIFTY-TWO SUCKAS!!!!

I can't believe you let your child live after peeing on chocolate.

That, my friend, is love.

Jamie said...

You are one funny chocolate bar lovin skank ~

If you ever get lost in the corn hole, I mean, corn maze again I will get you out.... As soon as I find all the chocolate.

Jenni Jiggety said...

You all have the best facial expressions EV ER.

Sherendipity said...

Dude. When I'm old and famous and they do the movie version of my rockin' life, I want you to narrate it.

anita doberman said...

Cracking up here!
Too funny!

Jennifer said...

I love the smirk on his face as he went running and peeing through the corn. Pity he had to take out some perfectly good chocolate!

Have fun in your no-Internets time warp!

apathy lounge said...

Have a great Halloween! See you on Monday.

Sammanthia said...

I think I could forgive him had it been a DumDum sucker or Tootsie Roll... but a candy bar? Chocolate? Oh, Henry... say it isn't so!

anymommy said...

Chocolate desecration. Wrong. Have a great break!

Red Cup Mom said...

How do you do this? Take pictures and narrate perfectly? And make squishy faces that you don't mind showing the whole world? I think Henners is the cutest boy on this planet by far. Except for the public urination part!

I didn't see any pics of the snickers bars though. Shucks.

mommypie said...

I thought your comment over at papatv was funny BEFORE I read this ... now it's all coming together.

Holy smokes, that Henry CRACKS. ME. UP.

Ali said...

defiling a chocolate bar?? most definitely unacceptable! ;)

Tabitha Blue said...

ROFL, great story!!

Why couldn't you save the chocolate?!!!!!!

mrsbear said...

Don't you get tired of people telling you how hilarious you are? I love your stories and Henry's brutal honesty. He would make a great child of the corn, with his corn silk hair and maniacal grin. I'd say peeing into the corn is a lot better than sacrificing mom to the candy corn demons. Thanks for the laughs. Happy Halloween.

gingela5 said...

Have a Happy Halloween!

Melanie D said...

Great story!My son did the public urination too! except it wasn't in a corn maze but on a public beach, I had recently told him he could pee outdoors sometimes.......guess I didn't specify SOMETIMES!

Chris Wood said...

Henry rocks!

Jori-O said...

I had to come over from Heinous' place to see what all the talk was about Stinky Bee...and it's all so true. ;)

Glad to meetcha! (And way to go taking a bloggy break. Henry is adorable!)

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Just stalking. Miss ya.

Vodka Mom said...

Is he in my class????????I've seen that ass before.

Bee said...

Wow! That looks like so much fun!

I'm glad the story worked out well at the end! You never know when it comes to cornfield stories.

Krystal said...

Okay - you so totally rule!! i love your adventures you know that? Oh and that pic of Henry Whizzing? PRICELESS!!!!

kirsty815 said...

Absolultely hillarious pics! Love it! I pitty the poor child that finds that candy bar. Ach Well, it was wrapped right?

DeeMarie said...

Hey. Just stopping by to say I gave you an award. Loves much.

Shan said...

Great story you painted, I laughed, I cried. Laughed over the peeing, cried over the poor, poor, innocent, unsuspecting candy bar... Look forward to reading more!

Miss Jack said...

And I thought we had a good time in the corn field maze and buying overly priced pumpkins....check it out at: http://spyroufamily.blogs.com/spyrou_family/2008/11/goebberts-farm-2008.html

Kat@MotherFonker said...

hahahaha *rolling on the floor*

Zip n Tizzy said...

What's up with those overpriced pumpkins?
You're at the FARM. You're picking them up, and they charge more there than when they haul 'em to the store for you!
You and Henri are quite the team. SO funny.

Tina said...

That little bugger! Peeing on chocolate? I hope you two had a long talk about his behavior. That's treason or some other high crime.

This is a very funny post which I giggled throughout. Thanks!

Jonny's Mommy said...

I am so waiting for this to happen to me. What a lovely adventure it will be!

The peeing thing...not the hunting for candy or leaving my child in a corn field so I can get more candy or leaving my husband injured so I can get more candy or ... well, you know.

uk-links said...

You can use tap water links london but if you live in an area with links london jewellery really hard water, then you may use distilled links of london sale or bottled water.Before we go into the links of london silver how-tos, you need to gather some items first such discount links of london as an ironing board, an iron and a water links of london watch charm bottle that has water in itTo start ironing a shirt links of london friendship bracelets we will be starting with the front of the shirt. Slip the shirt onto the board links of london sweetie bracelet so that the left hand side of the shirt is facing up on the board and the rest of the discount links of london chains shirt is hanging off the back of the board. Imagine as though the ironing board is acting as though links of london pendants it is putting the shirt on by entering the left side of the shirt first.