Fattie: Update 1

Well, I think I fell off the wagon this week. Or did I jump back on the wagon? I don’t know which it was, but it’s definitely the wagon where they serve pizza and burritos and Indian food. That’s the delicious one, and I was definitely on it. Listen, if there really were a weight loss wagon, I totally fell off it and I couldn’t get my out of shape self up fast enough to even waddle behind it. There’s no way I was going to try to run and catch that thing. Who do I think I am, Colepack?

I did redeem myself a little bit though this week. Casey, the HAYSAY Nazi, emailed me several times calling me names and telling me to put down my doughnuts and stuff. She got me so worked up that I went out for a jog. Actually, our black lab escaped and I had to chase him about a half a block before he came back. Normally this wouldn‘t be cause for me to run after him, but before he took off in a dead sprint, he grabbed the very hamburger I was eating right out of my hand. I mean, the burger had bacon on it. I just had to get it back. Hey, exercise is exercise, no?

Saturday I chased Henry through a corn maze (future post) until I thought I was going to die. I literally thought that I was going to make the local news as the woman who wound up missing for a few hours until a search party found her unconscious and hidden by s a few stray stalks of corn.


When Jeremy eventually found me I was sprawled out flat on my back in the middle of a side trail in the maze. Of course, my first reaction was that I get myself camera ready because I didn’t want to wind up in the newspapers with straw in my hair. Jeremy then told me to relax. The only people that knew I was missing were two teenage boys that came out of the corn maze laughing at the “old broad” running around the trail with a crazed look in her eyes. Apparently, I blacked out for a few minutes and began threatening people with two corn cobs that I had turned into shivs. I think I told those boys I would cut them with the corn if they didn’t help me find my way out of that haunted field. On the way home, Jeremy and I reached an agreement that I am no longer allowed to watch Prison Break.

Sunday, I planned an early morning jog. I got up before sunrise to update my iPod before I left the house. But then I got so caught up in making sure I had every single Kings of Leon song on my work-out mix and I kept wavering back and forth on the new Katy Perry single. I mean, is it too trendy? Will I just grow weary of it like I did that "I Kissed a Girl" song? Then one thing led to another and I began downloading radio pod casts and books on tape. Eventually, six hours went by and then I grew tired and hungry. Then I looked up new chili recipes online. I always want chili in the fall.

I settled for a slice of cold pizza (not as many calories when it’s not warm, ladies) and a two hour nap. By the time I woke up, my track suit was all wrinkled, my hair was flat on one side and there was no way I was leaving the house looking disheveled like that.

I do want to give a shout out to everyone who took me seriously last week when I said that I would be more motivated if I had people insulting me. Krystal wasted no time verbally abusing me and within minutes sent an email of a monkey calling me all sorts of names. It was a double whammy of sorts. The insults? Sure they were spot on. The monkey? I can only guess that’s a reference to my unshaven legs. Nice.

Also, my good friend C called me a prostitute in Russian. That made my day. And Casey? Well, she made sure to call me a skan a few times a day. That’s right, I said skan. It’s a word, don’t look it up though, you won‘t find it. Yeah, it‘s so super-cool that Webster’s hasn’t even defined it yet.

The shocker came though when my sweet mother phoned me up and left me the most insulting voicemail ever. I really didn’t think she had those words in her. When I called to thank her for the motivation, she told me that it wasn’t meant for motivation purposes at all. She and my dad moved the downstairs sofa over the weekend and saw the cherry flavored Crystal Light stain I left there from high school. Oops. I’m positive I’ll get another one of those phone calls if they ever move my bed frame from my old bedroom. I never did get that red nail polish stain out.

So that’s about how week one went for me in my new fitness routine. I think I’m off to a pretty good start. My track suit it now pressed, my iPod fully updated and I know better than to run amuck through random stalks of corn. This week I’ll be hitting the pavement hard, I promise. I’ll be out there looking for cute running shoes and trying out different looks for my “exercise hair”. I can’t be seen wearing a scrunchy outside of the house more than one or two days at the very most. A girl’s got to have her priorities.

Want to track my weight loss saga? My first Fattie post can be found here.

Confused about what HAYSAY is? Me and you both! Click here to find out more.

Want to leave me some motivation or a mean comment. Then go ahead and comment!