October 27, 2008

Fattie: Update 1

Well, I think I fell off the wagon this week. Or did I jump back on the wagon? I don’t know which it was, but it’s definitely the wagon where they serve pizza and burritos and Indian food. That’s the delicious one, and I was definitely on it. Listen, if there really were a weight loss wagon, I totally fell off it and I couldn’t get my out of shape self up fast enough to even waddle behind it. There’s no way I was going to try to run and catch that thing. Who do I think I am, Colepack?

I did redeem myself a little bit though this week. Casey, the HAYSAY Nazi, emailed me several times calling me names and telling me to put down my doughnuts and stuff. She got me so worked up that I went out for a jog. Actually, our black lab escaped and I had to chase him about a half a block before he came back. Normally this wouldn‘t be cause for me to run after him, but before he took off in a dead sprint, he grabbed the very hamburger I was eating right out of my hand. I mean, the burger had bacon on it. I just had to get it back. Hey, exercise is exercise, no?

Saturday I chased Henry through a corn maze (future post) until I thought I was going to die. I literally thought that I was going to make the local news as the woman who wound up missing for a few hours until a search party found her unconscious and hidden by s a few stray stalks of corn.


When Jeremy eventually found me I was sprawled out flat on my back in the middle of a side trail in the maze. Of course, my first reaction was that I get myself camera ready because I didn’t want to wind up in the newspapers with straw in my hair. Jeremy then told me to relax. The only people that knew I was missing were two teenage boys that came out of the corn maze laughing at the “old broad” running around the trail with a crazed look in her eyes. Apparently, I blacked out for a few minutes and began threatening people with two corn cobs that I had turned into shivs. I think I told those boys I would cut them with the corn if they didn’t help me find my way out of that haunted field. On the way home, Jeremy and I reached an agreement that I am no longer allowed to watch Prison Break.

Sunday, I planned an early morning jog. I got up before sunrise to update my iPod before I left the house. But then I got so caught up in making sure I had every single Kings of Leon song on my work-out mix and I kept wavering back and forth on the new Katy Perry single. I mean, is it too trendy? Will I just grow weary of it like I did that "I Kissed a Girl" song? Then one thing led to another and I began downloading radio pod casts and books on tape. Eventually, six hours went by and then I grew tired and hungry. Then I looked up new chili recipes online. I always want chili in the fall.

I settled for a slice of cold pizza (not as many calories when it’s not warm, ladies) and a two hour nap. By the time I woke up, my track suit was all wrinkled, my hair was flat on one side and there was no way I was leaving the house looking disheveled like that.

I do want to give a shout out to everyone who took me seriously last week when I said that I would be more motivated if I had people insulting me. Krystal wasted no time verbally abusing me and within minutes sent an email of a monkey calling me all sorts of names. It was a double whammy of sorts. The insults? Sure they were spot on. The monkey? I can only guess that’s a reference to my unshaven legs. Nice.

Also, my good friend C called me a prostitute in Russian. That made my day. And Casey? Well, she made sure to call me a skan a few times a day. That’s right, I said skan. It’s a word, don’t look it up though, you won‘t find it. Yeah, it‘s so super-cool that Webster’s hasn’t even defined it yet.

The shocker came though when my sweet mother phoned me up and left me the most insulting voicemail ever. I really didn’t think she had those words in her. When I called to thank her for the motivation, she told me that it wasn’t meant for motivation purposes at all. She and my dad moved the downstairs sofa over the weekend and saw the cherry flavored Crystal Light stain I left there from high school. Oops. I’m positive I’ll get another one of those phone calls if they ever move my bed frame from my old bedroom. I never did get that red nail polish stain out.

So that’s about how week one went for me in my new fitness routine. I think I’m off to a pretty good start. My track suit it now pressed, my iPod fully updated and I know better than to run amuck through random stalks of corn. This week I’ll be hitting the pavement hard, I promise. I’ll be out there looking for cute running shoes and trying out different looks for my “exercise hair”. I can’t be seen wearing a scrunchy outside of the house more than one or two days at the very most. A girl’s got to have her priorities.


Want to track my weight loss saga? My first Fattie post can be found here.

Confused about what HAYSAY is? Me and you both! Click here to find out more.

Want to leave me some motivation or a mean comment. Then go ahead and comment!

57 comments:

DeeMarie said...

FIRST!! Reading... will be back.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Dang it, Dee!
Jen, love the workout hair! I want to make it my for all seasons hair! Get yur butt in gear and back on the ball! (Sorry, Casey is making me write it... Call for help! SHe's-

DeeMarie said...

You rock, Hooker. Keep that running, even if it is only to chase a runaway hamburger!!! LOVE YOUR SKAN SHIRT! I think I've yelled on every comment board today. Apparently my soft spoken voice wants to be heard. Anyways, off to eat my oatmeal. And burrito? Now I'm craving it again. Thanks for that. ;)

Jenni said...

I think a skan is like a skank with a lot of skin tags.

Eww, I just totally grossed myself out.

Skan.

Momma Trish said...

Posts like this one are precisely why I adore you. I too would have sat in front of the computer downloading music and doing other things, ultimately becoming so distracted I forgot all about working out. (This also applies to studying, cleaning the house, and occasionally even to eating. My computer is my biggest vice.)

Love the hair! You look beautiful!

Me, You, or Ellie said...

There is something so gratifying about being called a 'broad'. I hate 'girl' and I hate 'chick' and I hate 'miss', but I entirely love 'broad'. I think because it's usually spoken by some old guy who's kind of seedy, but still has a sparkle in his eye...

Ellie

GreenJello said...

I ran after a carmel apple at Lagoon yesterday.

Ok, I lie. But I did stand in line for 5 minutes before I could get it. It was SO exhausting!

Ali said...

downloading music is, by far, the biggest timesuck ever. i'm all, oh, hey, a new Andrew Bird...and then 6 hours later i've realized my kids are running all willynilly and i've burned our dinner. heh.

Ali said...

also...i'm a little jealous of your groupies.
how come i don't have people racing to comment first on my site?

oh yeah, it's because i'm not funny. heh.

Carolyn...Online said...

Is it shiv or shank? Which one is the verb and which is the noun? I can't be a party to the insults regarding ignoring healthy behavior. This kettle is already black.

ChurchPunkMom said...

dude, it is AMAZING how those calories just explode into existence when you reheat food!! I swear, my microwave is like calorie breeding grounds.. crazy.

It's good to see you're taking this weight loss thing seriously.. no one likes a fat hooker.

and the noun is shiv, the verb is shank. ;)

Heinous said...

Too damn funny. Our corn maze has little quizzes to point you in the right direction. I think they're promoting natural selection since I hear screams from the dead ends. I never check though.

I'd call you a name but the exercise hair mounted over the dance face would be too much for me if you chose to wield it as a weapon.

jen said...

i can't stop laughing.

i have a motivating idea. i'll email you.
wouldn't want to let the secret get public...ya know.

i hope you are running. i'm gonna call my friend that lives north of SLC and have her drive by and make sure that you are out running. is a stalker enough to make you get out of your house??

ali said...

I'm pretty sure I've gotten skan as a captcha once.

Cameron said...

Way to go...keep up the great work. You can do anything you set your mind to. I have faith in you.

This bullshit was brought to you by 'Monday morning positive reinforcement.'

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I soooooooooo have you beat! Oh yes, I've bought TWO pairs of new pretty workout shoes ... just because, in case, well, I'm not sure why. And neither pair have been worn because I'm still ... um, well, something.

But ... SOON!

HeatherPride said...

Well, I told myself I would move my big butt to the gym 4 times this week, but only made it 2.... And I definitely did not chase anyone through a corn maze or threaten to cut anyone with corn cobs, so..... I dunno, maybe you win?

for a different kind of girl said...

It is my belief that dancing like a crazy bag lady living under the overpass to the KOL's "Sex on Fire" has to burn, like, 34 calories, so I keep hitting 'repeat' on my iPod, and I do that for around 20 minutes, but then I notice I have a show about the Duggers on my DVR, and suddenly I'm burning calories (an estimated 12) shaking my head 'no, no, no' to how they live so happily. Then I eat lunch. A lot of lunch. Because I'm so famished.

Long story short - I think we're on the right track, even if it's not kind of track we run on.

Captain Dumbass said...

I went out for a bike ride, hoochie. On my funny bike seat too. We did that crazy corn maze too but there was too much mud to throw yourself down on. I wasn't reassured by all the crows that kept circling us either.

Cape Cod Gal said...

I fell off the wagon and it backed up to run me over. I was a bad, bad girl this week!

DeeMarie said...

P.S. I would love, love, love to see your playlist. Seriously. I know I would rock the treadmill with Steenky's workout music!!!!!

steenky bee said...

Captain: You call your bike "hoochie"? That's awesome.

Casey said...

OMG, skan, you had me laughing too hard here, I think I may have burned some laughy-calories. In fact, I'm sure I did. I'm counting that towards my daily exercise. You're my favorite skan in the world, but I intend to keep whipping your arse into gear with the HASAY challenge. I'm glad your dog took off with your burger, it serves you right. Let's try to make this week better on the fitness front. Just because you were forced to chase your dog and your son doesn't mean it was intentional exercise. I'm not buying it. Skan. And sorry I'm like 121st or something, these damn kids are running wild today and I haven't had a chance to get on the computer until now. Skan.

Kat said...

Food also doesn't have calories if you eat it off your kids plate. Just for future reference.

Rhea said...

I love your hair!!

Your exercise sounds like mine...chasing dogs and kids...

You crack me up, love reading your posts.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

I just noticed that you really did put that Dungeons and Dragons dude in your sidebar. I freaking love you so much.

I'm so glad you didn't shiv those guys in that corn maze. They just weren't worth it. And then you would have been in prison where I don't think they have wireless internet, and I would have to come to Utah to visit you in prison, because I would miss you so much. And I would bake you a cake and put a spoon in it, and then you could dig a tunnel that would lead to the sewage pipe and you could crawl to freedom through the poo. And I would leave instructions and money for you under an oak tree near a crumbling stone wall. Then we could meet on a beach in Mexico where we would remodel a boat and start a business taking tourists fishing for marlin.

That would've been so great. But I'm still glad you made it out of that maze without ending up in the newspaper. 'Cause if you had straw in your hair that is just not acceptable.

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Work out hair shmerk out hair. The whole point of getting up and going right to exercise is so you don't have to do your hair at all and people will just think you worked out THAT hard. Do I really have to teach you these things?

Hora!

Mc Allen said...

yeah yeah, sounds like fun.... atleast your kids arnt running around acting like they are wipeing their butts at you( see my last nights post) . At the very least you got some fresh fall air at the pumpkin patch, hopefully the two precious babies you nearly used as hostages wont press charges... hugs L A

Debbie said...

I think the wagon you WERE on crashed into me when you jumped off of it ... so stay on there this week, will ya?

Maggie May said...

gutter slut! this is a classic from high school. you can have it.

:)

Chris Wood said...

Weight loss is BAD for you!

I cannot overstate that.

Personally, I'm carrying a fair few extra pounds, but sod it, I was build for comfort not speed.

The right approach, I think you'll agree.

gingela5 said...

Hey fatso--get working! haha I'm kidding I fell off the wagon before it even got going! I'm back on it this week though!

Ann said...

I look forward to seeing you in a sporty headband.
Show Mike Reno whatcha' got!

Supervised Mama said...

You so have to stop over at my site and check out the "Corn Maze for Blondes" picture...you'll love it. I'd link it up and all that but I'm being sneaky and commenting at work..Shhhh....

Heather said...

A corn maze actually sounds like good exercise to me! I have such a terrible sense of direction that I would be walking around for hours!

Cat said...

I visited a corn maze myself this weekend, although the most traumatic part of which was having to step around a big mess of child puke in the middle of the trail. And we saw a demon rabbit racing at us. Oh, and the signs along the way listed fun facts about the White House. Like that they spend over 1.5 million bucks each year on mowing the damn lawn. THAT almost killed me.

Sammanthia said...

I can't bring myself to do it... I just can't. I WANT to call you a mean name, something really foul, but I try to be a good person and I'm very opinionated when it comes to trolls (but would it be considered trollish if the blogger was ASKING for it? I don't know.), so leaving you a comment calling you a ------- or a ----- would go against everything I hold dear.
I'm so sorry.

Jonny's Mommy said...

I am so behind on all this weight loss, etc. I've really got to catch up. You skinny girls though...seriously? What is your problem. You all look great and your stressing all out and I just don't get it. Come on. For the sake of the fat girls, like me, get a grip! :-)

Wendy said...

You make me sick you dirty lint licker!

Ok, seriously? I hate you. Your weight-loss goals sure seem a whole lot more attainable than mine. So screw you bitch.

:D

shopgirl said...

OMG! I think you're my long lost twin or something like that (only you're WAY funier than me - even though I think I'm OH SO FUNNY)
I am soooo the girl who goes to download music for my iPod for exercise then spends upwards of 6 hours in front of the computer - only instead of cold pizza - I would have been eating ice cream, chips, popcorn (because it's a "lite" snack) and then went to bed because I was tired. Oh, and I have like 12 pairs of "running" shoes and I don't run like - EVER.

goodfather said...

You have a track suit? Nice!

And... FIRST! +40

anymommy said...

My hair doesn't look that good when I actually do it. B-tch. Keep up the good work, um pizza eating, and good work!!

Wendy said...

Ok. Uh. You know I was just doing what you asked, right? Please don't ask me to do that again, because for the last hour or two or whatever I have been guilt-ridden. Kay? Thanks lint licker.

apathy lounge said...

No mean comments from me, my friend. I've been trying to lose the same ten pounds for three years. It's killing me. I used to have an awesome metabolism. Now it totally sucks the big pudding. I'm turning a corner, though. I'm giving that Special K Protein Water a try. We'll see. But just so I don't feel left out of the insulting festivities, I'll leave you with a parting shot. Whore.

TC said...

I am going to motivate you.
Buy these scales that I totally puffy heart:

http://www.firebox.com/product/1753/Celebrity-Weighing-Scales

Bagsy NOT Mr Ed

beth said...

I want your curly hair! In order for me to have cute, "exercise hair" I would need to invest in one of thise ponytail extensions! But I do want cute, exercise hair, so......

Tracy said...

See, this is exactly why I don't work out! The preparation for the work out is exhausting!
I once did the corn maze. Yeah, I think that was the exact moment that the last of my sanity left me. I took my three kids, and for even more torture, took two kids who weren't mine.
All the way there, I harped about staying together and not leaving the group. Everyone said they understood.
Then we passed through the entryway to the maze and they scattered like flies. I never did find the other two that weren't mine. Sad, really.
And I love the hair!

Jamie said...

I think I wanna be a hooker, skan and a Russian whore - I am so jealous - You are my idol!

Keep up the good work!

Colepack said...

Blogger ho, get your arse out there and run. Run like your chasing the cable guy to turn your internet back on you blogger ho!!!
hee, hee, love ya
Thanks for the mentioning of me. I feel honored.

Jenni Jiggety said...

If only we could run and blog at the same time...maybe while eating Doritos? Then running would be perfect...

Red Cup Mom said...

Huh? What is wrong with a burrito? I had one for lunch. Eggs, avocado, anaheim chile, mushrooms, cheese, hot sauce... man oh man... that ain't no wagon to fall on or off of. Eat the burrito... yumm-o! I say diet food for breakfast and dinner. And then lunch is the fun meal!

But you look pretty darn skinny to me in the photos I can see...

No way the dog grabbed a bacon burger. Whatcha doing with bacon on a burger!!!

Lola said...

I love Kings of Leon! You really do rock, Mama. Screw the whole diet and exercise plan. I find that if I make a plan, I break a plan.

It's just my oppositional personality, I guess. I don't like rules even if I make them for myself. As soon as I tell myself I'm going to try to lose weight, I eat way more than I ever would normally. Just keep moving is my motto!

Sherendipity said...

I hope you didn't do the Katy Perry. I'm so over her.
She keeps sending me emails and leaving me voice mail. "Oh pleeeease, Sher, just listen to another song!! I promise you'll love me again. I promise I'll do better next time." and I'm all, "Psssh. Katy Perry. You don't even really kiss girls and your Hot and Cold song is played, like, eleventy billion times on the radio. It's irritating."

Ilina said...

My friend Christy says that anything that is not eating counts as exercise. I am technically exercising right now.

Kat@MotherFonker said...

oh yey, i have a word for the day! skanskanskan.

maybe ill teach you skan in filipino... someday.

dropping by to see if you still have pizza u can share.

Tricia said...

You've made me feel so much better. I KEEP sitting in front of the computer, losing track of time, instead of working out. It's getting bad, really bad. Maybe I need to rethink letting the dog get lose.

Bee coming at ya from work said...

Since I'm tired for you, I count this post as part of my work out! Phew! Now I need a beer. For later not for now. It's only 8:53 my time. I'm not a lush or anything...