June 22, 2008

Never Take Your Drunk Sister-in-Law to the Store or Don't Write Out a Grocery List Before Falling Asleep.

I HAD A DREAM. I really wanted that to sound profound. But I seriously did have a dream this weekend and it was weeeeird. Here it goes:

So, I decide that I need a few items at the store. I take Jeremy's sister, Karly, with me. Once we're in the Foodmart grocery store, we split up a bit to get more shopping done. My main reason for visiting the market is to get some wine as a thank you gift for someone who had done me right. Now, in my dream I AM still in Utah, so why I thought I could find wine in the grocery store is probably the most unbelievable portion of my dream.

Anyway, I make my way to where I think the wine will be and, sure enough, there is a small section of wines. I check all the labels and they are listed as "perfect for cooking" and really nothing else. I think to myself, they won't notice if these are cooking wines and not real wines would they? I look them over and pass on most of them because for some reason they all have bits of fruit or other chunks floating in them. Gross. The labels all claim the floaters "add extra flavor to your meals!". I don't care. Where I come from that is just gross. I opt for one that is separated into six single serving boxes (just like juice boxes -- handy!) and another that comes in a bottle similar to the Aunt Jemima syrup bottle.

I make my way back up to the front of the market, but not before noticing that the store is set up kind of strangely. Just walking along the back and looking down the isles, I can see they are arranged haphazardly. Some isles have a few frozen food freezers sitting next to cereal. Others have produce just sitting in the middle. Strange.

When I finally get up front, I see Karly. I ask her to go get some Nilla Wafers for me. I saw some on one of the isles and I couldn't remeber where. She's off quickly. I make small talk with the cashier. His name is Brian and he doesn't really work there, he says. He was caught shoplifting and had to repay his debt to the store. Nice.

Karly comes running up the isle and she is carrying two boxes of Saltine crackers. She asks me if I want the regular or the sodium free. I explain that these aren't Nilla Wafers. She says that growing up her Mother always called these Nilla Wafers and they worked fine for them. Her story is compelling. I decide that I'll keep the bigger box of Saltines. Reesie likes them. I go back on my own to retrieve the Nilla Wafers.

So as I'm cruising the store isles, again I get kind of confused as how the market is laid out. I find a stock boy and ask him what the deal is with the store. The stock boy explains to me that Foodmart is designed around activities rather than food groups. He points to the isle markers hanging from the ceiling.

Sure enough, the store WAS laid out for specific activities or events. I was standing in the 'Father's Weekend' isle. This isle had a bunch of frozen foods, sugar cereal, beer and soda. The isle over was 'Weekend Picnic' and it had lunch meat, bread, salads, frisbees and paper plates.

Now, as I'm telling this portion of my dream to Jeremy, he got all excited and started inventing isles that could be in Foodmart. His contributions are as follows:

  • That Time of Month. This would have feminine products, chocolate and mood enhancers.

  • Funeral/Wedding. This isle would have flowers, potatoes, jello, cakes and ham.

  • First Date. Razors, flowers and condoms.
  • Single 30 Something Woman. Romance novels, cat food, South Beach Diet frozen entrees and face cream.

Obviously, his scheme needs a little fine tuning. Flowers appearing in more than one isle? Now THAT just doesn't seem feasible.

Back to my dream. I go back to the front of the store without the Nilla Wafers and I see that a gentleman that looks like he would be a store manager giving Karly a breathalyzer test. She is totally failing. She looks at me and tells me she is drunk. Apparently she had been out partying with her dance team because they took first place, like eight years ago in some competition. Right on.

The store manager ushers us into his office and proceeds to get after me big time. He's all, "Don't you know it's illegal to take a drunk person to the store?" It's your a** on the line for Karly's hijinks." I laughed at him for using the word "hijinks."

He writes me up a citation, that in my dream I took very seriously. I don't recall the punishment, but I gave Karly the silent treatment all the way home.

And that's where my story ends folks. I woke Jeremy up to tell him all about it. He immediately got all excited about my concept store. He talked about it all day.

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