April 3, 2009

Time And Water Conservation Are Not On My Side

This marks the fourth day I've posted this week. What the hell is going on around here? I'll tell you what's going on. My kids haven't been fed or bathed in days. I haven't seen my husband since Wednesday. His closet is cleaned out, but I assume he's probably just on a camping trip or something. I don't know, I still need to check the note he affixed to our bedroom door with a steak knife. I ripped my eyes away from my laptop to glance at it briefly and noticed he wrote, "IT'S ME OR THE BLOG!" I'm so flattered he still reads me.

Today, I'm participating in the Spin Cycle hosted by The Divine Sprite’s Keeper, Jen Cohen. I must be completely honest with you all though, it's a recycled post. I posted this last fall when Jen wanted us to write about wishes. I think it would work for this week's topic about time just as well.

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I wish it didn’t take up so much of my time get ready in the morning. When I run time trials on my routine it comes to just shy of two hours. That is huge, people. No one should spend that much time getting ready unless they’re heading to prom or to their own wedding. Oh, if only my morning hassle ended with an updo and a flower corsage!

Believe me, I’ve tried to cut my morning routine down for as long as I can remember. I just can’t do it. If there was a twelve-steps group out there for people like me I would totally join. But only with the condition that I could just sort of roll out of bed and show up in sweat pants. If I have to shower and go through the whole rigmarole of getting ready, I may never make that meeting on time.

It’s not like when I finish this two hour routine I look stunning either. You’d think I’d be perfectly coiffed, pressed and ready to go. No, most of the time I just look like this.


And that’s on a good day. I joke with Jeremy that pretty doesn’t happen overnight. He usually adds that pretty can’t seem to happen in under an hour either.

I have a long-held, yet untested belief that the route of my problem lies in the shower. If I enter the shower at 6:00 am, the soonest I am leaving that place is 35 minutes or later. And that’s on a good day. If I have to shave or deep condition, then you can just forget about it.

I swear to you I am not a dawdler in the shower either. I’m moving and working the entire time. I’m washing, exfoliating, lathering, rinsing and repeating. I’m all focus, baby.

One time I asked Jeremy to give me a few pointers with my shower routine. That little adventure didn’t go so well. It ended with the two of us standing in a dry shower together with me fully clothed and Jeremy continually asking, “So when is the magic going to happen?“ What part of DRY RUN did he not understand? Needless to say, for about three minutes, there was a lot of awkward eye contact between the two of us.

Again, I ask you, is there a special class where I can enroll? I’d even be willing to take an internet course. I thought about Googling ‘faster showers for women’ but Jeremy strongly advised me against it. He said I would definitely not find what I was looking for. I’m just going to have to take him at his word.

58 comments:

Kat said...

Showers for me take 20 min tops. If I am in a rush, 5 min. It is like my husband said in boot camp, pits, hair, privates. Yes, I share too much.

Laufa said...

LOL Dry Run!! Yeah my hubby would think the same thing that yours did. I think the time has to do with your hair. Can you wash it the night before and then spritz it with water and your fave hair product to tame it the next day?

Dana's Brain said...

I can go long or short (that's what she said!) Oh, sorry. What I meant was similar to what Kat said. If I'm going all out, then it's about 15 or so. Morning where I have to drop Mags and be to work by 8? That's a few minutes with a silly shower cap on my head and a date with my flat-iron.

You must have an awesome hot water heater.

erin said...

I hate showering in the morning, I just won't do it. I think it was a college thing, I was so covered in the stench of booze and cigarettes that I would have to shower at night so my bed wouldn't reek of depravity.

Wicked Step Mom said...

Showers usually take me about 20 minutes in the morning. I think it is laziness because I don't deep condition of exfoliate. If I need to shave, I do it the night before. Its less hassle.

Michele said...

Give up brushing your hair. I did and it works great. Of course, I'm starting to get strange looks but oh well.....

Susan said...

OH, you need to come over to my place doll and I'll teach you the tricks. Shower, shmower. Only when necessary. And your hair looks pretty thick - you could go at least 4 days without washing! Then, there's the ol' trick of not washing your face at night... 20 second morning retouch of makeup and wipe dried off mascara chunks under eyes and wha - la! Spritz some perfume and you're stunning in 4 minutes. See, THEN you'll be able to blog more!

Jess said...

I am a 10 minute shower gal at the MAX.

1) Wash Hair and put in conditioner (leave conditioner in) This process should take no more than 1 1/2 minutes

(5 seconds to go from hair and reach for soap)

2) Wash face. (30 seconds)

3) Rinse face. (15 seconds)

4) Wash body. (1 1/2 minutes)

5. Rinse body. (30 seconds)

6. Rinse conditioner from hair. (30 seconds)

Ohhh that is like a 5 minute shower! Amazing!

Blissful Babe said...

I can be showered, dressed, made-up and haired in 30 minutes.

Of course, I haven't shaved my legs since 1998 when I had my son...

Of course, I don't always look too smashing, either...

But that's neither here nor there.

kel said...

Oh god.. I take forever to get ready.. its such a chore that I only make the effort three times a week... max!

Pamela said...

What is this thing called showers? Is it some Mormon tradition unknown to the other 49 states, or is it just me who doesn't understand?

Pamela said...

Should I just juggle some soap nuts or something?

Pamela said...

Gargle some soap nuts?

Maggie May said...

I think this was the first post ever of yours I saw. Awwww

Momma Trish said...

I loved this post the first time around, and it's just as good as a re-run! So glad you're posting again. Don't worry about Jeremy; he'll come back home when he gets hungry. ;)

GreenJello said...

My 16 year old needs to enroll in that class with you. :)

My great aunt used to say, "I'm taking a PTA bath." My mom explained to me what the letters stood for as a young girl, and I was shocked my mom would say such words. LOL!

Miss Grace said...

I can shower, get dressed, and get out the door with my child in under 20 minutes. So I dunno.

Cameron said...

It's all about combining.

Shower and brush your teeth.

Pee and put on deodorant.

Blowdry while eating a bagel.

Or something like that, I don't know. I'm a guy, I'm ready in like 4 minutes, shower and all.

Captain Dumbass said...

I've missed that crazy nappy head.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Better to discover you rblog late than never. You are a whole lot of fun girl.

Dr Zibbs said...

Great pic!

michelle said...

shower, hair, face, dress, feed dogs, out the door in under 30.

1st: do EVERYTHING possible the night before. Pull out clothes, lay out shoes, toothbrush, whatever. Every second counts.

2nd: Think like a man. Combine. I walk in bathroom (sleepily) turn on shower, grab toothbrush, pee, walk into shower while brushing teeth (still half asleep) and let water run over hair. Finish brushing, then shampoo. While rinsing shampoo, wash face. COndition, while that sits, wash body. Standing at the right angle, you can rinse hair while you are shaving legs. Which you only have to do once every so often, not daily.

Takes a while to get the routine as compact as possible, but once you do, you can shower and not be awake for hte whole thing. Been doing it for YEARS~

Kelly said...

Completely understand! Why can men do it in two minutes? AND if they can do it in two minutes, why do they sometimes insist on taking a whole fifteen minutes? While I'm stuck with screaming kids, you don't get your fifteen to do "whatever it is" in there!

Chris Wood said...

Nice morning hair! Mine goes unevenly into a bizarre hell shape.

Peggy said...

Would you come on over to my blog and just recite the alphabet?

Glad you're back even if it is reruns! :)

Have a great weekend!!

How to Party with an Infant said...

that picture is rad.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

How much exfoliating are you doing in there lady? You must clog up the drain with all your dead skin if it takes you that long! It only takes me that long if I am doing something more "interesting" in there, if you know what I mean, *wink wink.

anymommy said...

I'm feeling far less guilty about my fifteen minute thermo nuclear hot showers. Thanks!

Ms. Salti said...

I hate getting ready in the morning. As much as I love my makup and the fun I have with it, I'd seriously rather roll out of bed and go. Because my mother raised me not to leave the house without looking fabulous, my routine takes longer than I'd like! And it's not even as long as yours... I don't know how you stand it.

Leslie said...

I totally have the fix for your problem. Join the Army. You will learn how to do absolutely anything and everything at top speed (when you're not sitting around waiting) I can get ready in half and hour flat and that includes showering, shaving, brushing teeth, make-up, etc. etc. Everything. To this day I still inhale my food and, hell, I even breath quickly when I'm sleeping. Okay, maybe that last bit about sleeping is a bit of stretch but the other stuff is for real.

Love your pictures - they crack me up!

The Mister said...

I shower nearly as long as The Missus. I just like hot water is all. I'm not doing anything in there. If it weren't for the hot water running out I'd just stand there in neutral till the cows came home.

Keep posting. I could use more Steenk in my daily blog diet!

Zip n Tizzy said...

My only tip, cut your hair REAL short!
That's what I did.

Sprite's Keeper said...

I am SO sorry! I have not been able to get onto blogs all day! And I was off my rocker, er, reader until tonight! You're linked and I'm sorry and I still love this post! I try to do everything at night so I don't need to waste time in the morning. If I could just get the peeing thing down, I would be gold!

Joanie M said...

I'm a 10 minute shower gal, 15 if I shave my legs. I can be showered, dressed and ready to go in 30 minutes, 40 if I do make up. I think it comes from being married to Mr. Anal Retentive for 23 years. Thank God I got over that (being married that is... now he's someone else's nightmare)! :)
Great spin!!

Keely said...

I'm a dawdler in the shower.

Hm, that sounded dirty. Better go shower.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Hmm, I'm an under an hour and I'm out the door kind of girl. Not sure if I just don't care what I look like (sorta, maybe depends where I am going) or any longer and I miss prime time to get out and not sacrifice Her Highness' nap time. I think it's the latter.

Good luck to you. I can't imagine two hours... kind of sounds like heaven.

Camille said...

Hey, you're funny! How have I never read your blog before? This must be remedied.

Yeah, I'm like you, in that I never just STAND and RELAX in the shower---I'm working hard, have a great routine. The only difference is, even when I TRY to take a slow, relaxing shower, I can't make it last longer than 15 minutes. And that's LONG for me. Do you brush your teeth in the shower? (Judging from the pic, in which you seem fully clothed, I'd say no.) I do, while I'm letting the conditioner soak into my hair. Maybe that will help you cut down a minute or two...

Camille said...

I think I don't take long showers because I don't like STANDING for so long. Why stand if I could be sitting, that's what I say.

david mcmahon said...

G'day from Australia,

GreenJello told me I had to visit your blog, and I'm so glad she did.

As far as getting up and out is concerned, I've got my boarding school training to thank - I am seriously organised and quick!

The Stiletto Mom said...

I'm having SUCH a sentimental moment here. This was the first post of yours I ever read. *sniff sniff....oh, the memories!!!*

I still can't believe your routine and seriously hope you get your act together before Chicago!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in the longish shower routine - it takes me as long as it does you, and I'm not dawdling, either! It looks like you have a lot of hair like I do (on our heads...thought I'd better clarify that...) so for me the time consuming part is making sure all the shampoo and subsequent conditioner is completely rinsed out. That right there is probably a good 10 minutes of it! :)

Rachel said...

hee hee hee. I think there is some kind of time warp in my bath tub. I also am in constant motion, but somehow it takes forever in there.

Casey said...

Ahh, I remember this post from when it originally aired on the Steenky Show. You are nuts with your long showers but I get it since it's the one place I usually can't hear my kids screaming.

Tell Jeremy we're glad to have you back and that he should give you a little more blog time. Buy him a video game or something.

Yaya said...

You are hilarious!

I take my shower at night now...totally saves me on time in the am!

DG said...

Just found you through a careful and expertly executed blog crawl. Your site is very cool. One out of the fifty that I have reviewed today that I actually want to follow.

How do you feel about being a role model to other young women? I find myself wanting to recreate the sultry look of your toothbrushing picture. Is that wrong?

Kingsmom said...

That is so funny. I on the other hand can be ready and out the door in under 30 minutes.

Becky said...

Hee hee, awkward shower eye contact! Men. My husband is all into the amphibious love, but the bathroom is just not a romantic place for me. Hmm.

So what else are you doing for that two hours? I am all attention.

Bex said...

2 hours - i think you are rivaling paris hilton with that time!

Melanie D said...

OMG I must post a picture of my hair when I haven't spent an hour straightening it!!!! We could be hair twins!!! Glad your back, I was following your blog, but it didn't show me on there....so I am back!

mrsbear said...

Roles are reversed at our house, even if I dawdle, shave and exfoliate, I'm done in 15. 10 in a pinch. The husband...probably 40 on a good day. He says it's because he's taller, but I'm thinking he does a little too much lather/rinse/repeating. My teen also has the dragging ass gene, should it really take 20 minutes to apply eye liner?

david mcmahon said...

That's a real conversation-starter, er, sorry, I meant conservation-starter.

(And I live in a land of drought!)

blissfully caffeinated said...

Dude, this is the last time I'm gonna say this: Dry Shampoo. Embrace it.

Cheffie-Mom said...

I have the curly hair, too! I straighten on a regular basis. I really enjoyed reading this fun post! Congrats on the Post of the Day Award from authorblog!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Maybe he thought you meant DRY HUMP?

I'm with you though...I could totally go for a Judy Jetson walk in nasty, come out a minute later ready to go...wait, that's the same thing isn't it?

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