March 31, 2009

Testosterone in the House!!! (With a Shot of Estrogen)

What am I doing posting two days in a row? Surely I’ve confused all you by posting twice in the same month, but stick with me, folks, I’ve got something to say. Well, actually, my husband has something to say. You see, today, I’m participating in Tattooed Minivan Mom’s bring your husband to your blog day. It's a day set aside every so often where we let our spouses run rampant all over our sites as they post every kernel of wit and wisdom they have in the hopes that it classes up our joint a bit.

I had Jeremy all primed and ready to lay his best stuff on me (writing-wise, of course) when he suddenly remembered he had a huge deadline at work to tend to. Apparently he has a huge bid set going out this afternoon for an architecty project he’s working on. He had to pull an all-nighter and didn’t come home until 3:00 am.

As an aside, to all my architecty friends out there, this includes you, Carolyn Online and Irish Gumbo, is it odd that when Jeremy returned from his all-nighter that he had glitter all over his person and he smelled of cigarette smoke? Is that normal?

Jeremy insists that architects are now using a new glitter-based ink on their drawings to make them “snazzier” for clients. He has no explanation for the stale smoke smell or the receipt I found in his pants to somewhere called Southern Exposure. You guys don’t think I should be nervous do you?

So instead of Jeremy penning his own post, I did what any dutiful wife would do whilst her husband is out bringing home the bacon, I wrote one for him. I took the liberty of guessing what topics he would want to share with all of you.

Here goes…

1. His Gun Lust: Jeremy desperately wants a Gun Werks Custom 7mm. If you have enough money to buy one of these suckers at a cool $5995 (plus shipping & handling) it will be sighted in at 1000 yards out of the box. I’m sure most of the men out there are drooling at this news, but ladies, are you with me when I say, who needs a gun sighted in at such a distance? And what’s with the shipping and handling charges? I mean, come on, you’re already shelling out six grand for a gun, why do you need to pay extra for shipping and handling? I told Jeremy I would be all for it if it weren’t for the extra charges. I then suggested he should look for something a little more practical or in our price range, you know, like a Nerf Super Soaker for $29.95. No shipping and handling.

Ooooh. So close, honey.

2. His Sports Obsession: The other day Jeremy and I are watching Sports Center. (That’s right fellas, Steenky loves her some Sports Center.) We were cuddled up watching a story about Terrell Owens being dumped by the Cowboys for being too difficult and too expensive to handle. (Sorry for your precious Cowboys, Stiletto Mom) It turns out T.O. was quickly nabbed by the Buffalo Bills for $6.5 million on a short-term contract.

Jeremy to me: Man, I wish I were 6’4”-240 lbs, ran a 4.0 split and were a giant pain in the ass.

Me to Jeremy: Well, one out of three isn’t so bad.

Me to myself: Boo-ya!

3. His Smokin’ Hot Wife: Okay, so if Jeremy were posting here at Steenky Bee today I’m sure he would tell you that every day he wakes up he feels like he’s just won the lottery because he sees me lying next to him. Yep, folks, it just doesn’t get better than my nappy, untamed bed head and mascara streaked face staring at him at 5:00 in the morning. Sometimes I’ve rolled over and nearly pushed him out of bed because I’m using his warmth (not to mention his pillow and his share of the blankets) to keep me comfy. Most days I’ve got my glistening face pressed up against his, my funky morning breath gently grazing (assaulting) him. You can imagine how difficult it is for him to rip himself away from me and my hotness to work that all-nighter, huh?

*This just in: Jeremy just told me that Southern Exposure is the name of the local printing company our firm uses for large-scale projects such as his. He then said that we should stop talking about it and never bring it up again. Ever. Especially to any of our co-workers. Phew! I knew I had no reason to worry. ☺
**I feel compelled to disclose that Jeremy has never actually been inside one of those Southern Exposure establishments.
***I wish the same could be said for me. But that story is for another day, and another post all together.

46 comments:

Wicked Step Mom said...

Hey, Bear is like T.O. He has two out of three traits. I am soo lucky!!

P.S. At least he didn't have a receipt from The Blue Oyster Club. I mean, sexy Stinky couldn't compete with that.

Mama Dawg said...

So freakin' glad you're back.

Southern Exposure, huh? Yeah, I've been to a few of those. I'll save my stories for later, too.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Wasn't Southern Exposure the name of a tv show? Or was it Northern Exposure? I need to check my compass..

Michele said...

What exactly does sited in at 1000 yards mean?

It is nice to hear that Jeremy is buying local.

Jess said...

I just went this weekend! Except it wasn't called that...oh! oh! But I did see one called Bottoms Up and I thought that was HILARIOUS!

Ali said...

I think there's a list of corny names somewhere that clubs choose from--much like there is a list of corny names that salons choose from (The Kut Hut, The Cutting Edge, etc.)

Momma Trish said...

I used to wait tables at a restaurant down the hall from an establishment called "Pinky's Show Palace". Their waitresses wore bikinis, while we sported crisp white blouses and long black skirts. Guess who made more tips.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Your love of watchig sports center probably makes up for the morning stuff.

Captain Dumbass said...

I just choked on my cereal when I saw you'd posted two days in a row.

You're going to be sorry about that gun when the zombie apocalypse hits.

shopgirl said...

Girl you are too DING DONG funny! - please keep up the blogging - I loves me my Steenky Bee!

GreenJello said...

I get such a kick out of Southern Exposure, nestled next to the Costco and the mondo huge hospital. It's the proverbial, "I will survive!" kind of place.

Good thing Jeremy supports it. ;)

Miss Grace said...

I love you. That is all.

Jennifer said...

I've heard of that glitter ink. Very popular.

Glad to see you writing two days in a row! Woot! Woot!

ChurchPunkMom said...

Glitter - herpes of the craft world.

One of my favorite Steenky quotes.. you forgot to put it in there.

Susan said...

Wow. You are a wonderful wife to write this post for him! My poor guy had to write his himself. And it's quite obvious when you see the public urinal pube picture. Lord help me. I do love him dearly though. ;)

Pamela said...

And you're heading over to the d-time, right? People everywhere will be talking about all your posting.

You're pretty hot for a steenky.

HeatherPride said...

Well, once I'm finished with my Weight Watchers gig, Skip won't have any reason to go to the super-sized print shop called Southern Exposure. Right?

That totally made no sense.

for a different kind of girl said...

Here's how naive I am - I didn't even think people who worked at Southern Exposure places could show their southern exposures! I just thought they could display their northern territories. I don't get out much!

jen said...

yay! for lots of steenkybee! missed you.
we need to chat about the guesting thingy when you get a chance!
ohmygod ... i just realized that i'm at work 10 minutes past when i could leave ... gotta go.
i know this has nothing to do with your post ... but i have a gas station down the street called the pump n' munch. gross huh?

beth said...

You're on a roll. I think you pegged your husband's topics perectly and yeah, you got him so bad on the T.O. comment. Well done.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Ahhhhh ... I wonder if I should even TELL Briefcase I have a blog? Oh wait, he found out ... Now THAT was a fun day at our house!

Ms. Salti said...

I love the reference to Southern Exposure! Too bad they tore it down, huh!? I guess that means he was at the new location? Don't ask why I know these things...

Dana's Brain said...

See? See? Funny.

I went to a gun range for the first time in my life last year. It was pretty cool. Except now my husband wants a gun. I think I'll mention that Super Soaker...

Casey said...

My printer ink is low so I might get some of that Southern Exposure ink when I buy more. I love me some glitter, especially when I see a piece on Jamie's face somewhere as he's walking out the door. No, I don't tell him about it.

Terrell Owens is a multi-million dollar toddler, good for the Cowboys for dumping his tantrumy ass.

Bee said...

Breathe!

Bee (the one who muses) said...

"Sometimes I’ve rolled over and nearly pushed him out of bed because I’m using his warmth (not to mention his pillow and his share of the blankets) to keep me comfy."

No. No. No. Please give him his space. The hubs and I just had this conversation over dinner.

Me: We need a bed in the extra bedroom.

Hubs: No. You will live in discomfort and LIKE IT!

(:'o{

Candy's daily Dandy said...

HA! Take that! I'll bet he'll never miss a take your husband to your blog day a-gain!

Well played Steenky! As for that Southern Exposure and glitter stuff-just file that under Z in the archives of your brain.

Bex said...

my hubs likes that gun too - but he has a motorcycle that paid about that much for so no more big expensive toys for him until ... well, never? mama needs some crazy lenses for her camera!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I loved your guest poster :) especially when 'he' said this: Well, one out of three isn’t so bad.

LOL! I am going to definitely make a point of popping over more often if I can get wisdom like this!

kel said...

Love it... the "boo ya" cracked me up!

mrsbear said...

Nice job channeling the husband. Isn't that what all guys talk about, guns, sports, and luscious mascara streaked ladies? ;) Anything detailed in glitter ink is bound to be successful. Snazzy indeed.

Chris Wood said...

Jeremy is right, Southern Exposure is certainly a publishing company.

Oh yes.

Kelly said...

Glitter Ink! Awesome!

Anndi said...

That was Jeremy? He's a lousy tipp... um, I mean... nevermind.

HarryJack's Mom said...

Ditto the SC-morning breath equation - you win, for sure! Glad to read you again, I've been an absent blogger lately, but I do love me some Steenky, too :wub:

Sassypants Wifey said...

Well I'll be. I swear i posted on here yesterday. Where do my damn posts keep going, or am I just writing them in my head and never actually typing them? Hmmm.
anyshway, tell him to buck up and just be greatful that you grace his sleepy time with your presence... that oughta set him straight.
Man I have missed your posts. Like a warm cozy blanket perfect for the hooker in us all.

Sherendipity said...

And I thank the Cowboys immensely because I can now hear the people of Buffalo excited about something, for at least five more minutes before they start bitching about something else. Buffalonians are pretty sucky, overall.

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Southern Exposure? Why have I not heard if these delightful establishments before? Is it some sort of chain? And why no Northern exposure? Who only wants to see the south? It's like peanut butter with no jelly, nachos with no cheese?

Do they serve nachos there?

Did he by chance jump in the shower and throw his clothes in the wash immediately upon arrival? Did he explain away the red stains on his collar that were caused by shaving nicks? Does your husband bleed lipstick too?

Blissful Babe said...

I think I love you.

Thanks for stopping by my most blissful blog. I'm sure it was the highlight of your day.

And I'll call you hooker. I call everyone I *heart* hooker.

So have a great evening, hooker!

xoxo

Jonny's Mommy said...

I hope you crack your husband up as much as you do me. If not I hope you know some good lawyers. Wait. I hope he knows some good lawyers. Wait. I hope no lawyers have to be harmed in the writing of this comment or in the writing of your post. What? It's late, that's what.

I'm going to bed.

(but I love your writing. You crack me up! And I need that a lot to pull me out of my depressed tendency!)

Jonny's Mommy said...

Tell Jen that it was Northern Exposure with that really cute guy...whose name I just forgot. Dang it. But he was cute. Total weirdo in real life I think but really cute on TV. Like most celebrities.

Zip n Tizzy said...

I hear those glitter pens do wonders during economic down turns.

Laufa said...

Hey at least he wasn't saying Northern Exposure - that show based from Alaska, back in the 80's. Whoa Jen - SK, and I had the same thought pattern.

Keely said...

I have to READ a lot of those 'snazzier' blueprints, and let me tell you, my husband isn't as understanding about me bringing home the glitter.

Lola said...

We've got the Foxy Lady 'round here. They just had a job fair there, so lots of unemployed guys got a free pass and a show while they dropped off their resume's.

Glad you're back, girl!

Ann said...

Boo-Ya!
Great post.