February 11, 2009

Love Lessons: We Think We Are So Much Smarter Than We Actually Are

The other day Jeremy and I were having our annual in-office romantic lunch. I had the Beef-n-Cheddar, while he opted for the more traditional Regular Roast Beef. Why was it romantic, you ask? Because there were curly fries, that’s why.

After looking longingly into each other’s eyes while we playfully wiped Arby’s sauce off of each other’s chin, we decided to surf the web together at my desk for a few minutes. A headline on the Yahoo! home page immediately caught my attention. It read: 10 Must-Avoid Spots on Valentine's Day. Or so we thought. In reality, it actually read: 10 Must-Avoid Spots for SINGLES on Valentine's Day. Very different.

Before realizing our mistake, Jeremy immediately shouted out “Strip club! You shouldn’t go to a strip club!”

Maybe he shouted it out a little too loud, because moments later several of our co-workers, all male btw, were huddled around my desk wondering what was going on. Jeremy assured them that there was no strip club emergency at this time and he was sorry to send out a false alarm.

This worried me. Is there some sort of guy-code in our office about strip clubs? If one of the men shouts out "Strip club!", does that mean that a trip to one of these establishments is imminent? Or does it mean that when a man blurts out those two words that he has a strip club story to tell? And really, couldn’t they have thought of a signal that is a little more subtle? I mean, when us women in the office have a good tale to tell, you don’t here us shouting “Three-way with members of the University of Utah's men’s swimming team!” Well, not anymore. That woman quit a few years back. I’m just sayin’.

Back to the list. As Jeremy and I read down the list that we thought was of the 10 places that you should not go on Valentine’s Day, we were perplexed as to why bed and breakfast joints, candlelit restaurants, cozy ski lodges and gourmet chocolate shops would make the top ten.

Eventually, as we usually do, Jeremy and I figured out our misread of the headline. We then spent the next ten or so minutes trying to convince the other one that we knew all along that the list was geared toward single people and that we were just going along with the joke for the other’s benefit. (Folks, you should know that we do this a lot. It’s our foundation for a strong marriage. In our relationship, love means never having to say your sorry…just so long as you can convince the other person that you were being wrong on purpose.)

Jeremy and I then thought it might be helpful to produce our own list of sorts. The 10 Must-Avoid Spots for Married Men on Valentine’s Day. You’re welcome.

1. Sizzler (Avoid the all you can eat and unflattering lighting trap.)
2. Strip clubs (Liberal use of glitter, and again, unflattering lighting.)
3. Your secretary’s house (Needs no explanation.)
4. Your mom’s house (Why would you?)
5. Free clinic (Again, why?)
6. Emergency room (Neither to just “hang out” as a place to meet women nor as the result of injury sustained when your wife catches you at secretary’s house. See # 3.)
7. Greeting card section of any retail store. (Because you shouldn’t have waiting so long to pick out a card for your wife, that’s why. I always make it a habit to run to Target or Wal-Mart on Valentine’s Day so I can give dirty looks to all the men scavenging the already picked over Valentine’s Day card section. How could you wait so long? I do this on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as well.)
8.Tattoo parlor (Love doesn’t always last forever, but ink does. The wise man would opt for the less permanent piercing.)
9. Sizzler (I guess I just can't stress this one enough.)
10. Jail* (No explanation necessary.)

*As with virtually everything that is written here at Steenky Bee, not all advice should be taken to heart. These are only guidelines, mere suggestions. My roommate in college had a brother, a perfectly nice guy, who met his future third wife, a booking officer, as he served a 24-hour stint in County Jail on Valentine’s Day. (I said he was nice, I never said he was a lawfully abiding citizen.) They were happily married for well over a year. This guy then went on to meet his fourth wife at a family dinner. She was the cashier at Sizzler. True story.

This post brought to you as part of Sprite's Keeper's Spin Cycle. This week's topic: L-O-V-E.

61 comments:

Khadra said...

Funny!

On Valentine's day you also shouldnt grab mcdonalds from the drive thru, pick up your girlfriend, and then go eat with her and your mom who is in her pajamas.

My ex husband did this when we were dating.

Miss Grace said...

All the Sizzlers around here closed down years ago, I thought the chain had gone under!

Maggie May said...

Free Clinic!! damn. now i have to rethink the whole thing.

Maggie May said...

and Sizzler reminds me only of Adam Sandler now! 'let's go to Sizzler!'

Kat said...

Strip clubs are definitely a no go, unless you have a wife who thinks that real love is paying for your husbands lap dance.

Wicked Step Mom said...

I have never been to a Sizzler. So, I can only think of the creepy guy from Happy Gilmore and that is reason enough to avoid it at all costs. In case there are other creep people there.

The other place married men should avoid on Valentine's day is fast food restaurants. Because, lets be honest, all men get gassy after consuming fast food. And their chances of getting any decrease as the gas increases.

Sprite's Keeper said...

I think you may have found the reason as to why the Sizzlers went bankrupt..
You're linked!

Irish Gumbo said...

I guess I have to take back all of those Sizzler coupons in the shape of a heart...any other gift ideas you can offer as a replacement?

kbreints said...

Great List! I will have to share it with MY husband...

Mama Dawg said...

I totally miss you. Glad to see a new post!

Captain Dumbass said...

I got kicked in the nose at a strip club once. It wasn't Valentine's but the respect and admiration it earned me from my co-workers? That was love.

PAPATV said...

Nothing says Sizzler like a picture of the shady head chef with a white hat in a wooden frame with bronze letters by the shady salad bar.

Sizzler is scandaliscious.

beth said...

Why only an annual event? Times like you and hubby had over curly fries should occur at least quarterly!

Chris Wood said...

You've got me wondering - what's a strip club emergency and does it happen in your office very often?

Puzzling indeed.

Heather said...

OMG!!! My x took me to sizzler on our first.... Valentines "date" ....guess I should have know back then...hu???

Pamela said...

Thank the good Lord for this list. I will send the Mister over toot sweet so he can narrow down his list of places to go on Valentine's Day.

It's a good thing I've got some Steenk in my life.

Pamela said...

And what the hell is Sizzler?
Is that some nasty funkified place that is prohibited in New York State?

April said...

LMAO! your mom's house :-) ...yeh, not unless you're picking up the kids AFTER the romantic dinner. Better yet, leave the kids there!

Jenni said...

would you believe that i;ve never been to a sizzler?

for a different kind of girl said...

Mmmm...Sizzler!

I think men don't have to actually say "Strip Club!!" in order to rally the troops. I think there's actually a beacon in the sky, like giant glowing orbs (which is code for 'boobs') that light up, and they instinctively know it's time to fold the dollar bills up fancy. What my husband has yet to figure out, if he just folded up some dollar bills all fancy and presented them to me, that would be a perfect Valentine's Day present. I wouldn't even care if he gave them to me while we were mowing down at the Sizzler.

ChurchPunkMom said...

damn! now I have to change our Valentine's Day dinner plans...

maybe Hooters instead??

Rebekah said...

She posted!!

Also? "Nowhere special because you forgot or blew it off" should be on your list...because? DER!

(or do I mean doy?)

Jess said...

Oh great! Now I have to cancel my Valentines table at the strip club! Ah, well, probably for the best. We totally made our favorite stripper mad last weekend when we started talking about religion with her. She stormed off and barely even said goodbye to us. It was a sad moment in stripperdom. (True story)

blissfully caffeinated said...

Yay, Steenky! Happy to see you.

#7? Amen, sister. And Church Punk Mom stole the rest of my comment.

Actually the past few years I have ordered a romantic heart shaped pizza on Valentines Day. because nothing says love like sausage and pepperoni.

Chris O said...

Once a year I drag out the heart shaped waffle maker, the heart shaped pancake molds, the heart shape cake pans, the heart shaped meatloaf pans. I bang them around a bit and swear alot. Then my hubby cooks breakfast, lunch and dinner and puts back all the crap I dragged out. Tells me lots of sweet things, gives me a mushy card and takes me to the book store and lets me buy all the trashy novels I can carry.

I don't think he has been to a strip club other than maybe during a police raid. And every time we pass the Sizzler we wonder if its a front for money laundering as why would anyone actually want to eat there.

DeeMarie said...

Never saying you're sorry as long as you convince them you were wrong on purpose. Those are words I plan to live by.
I hope to one day have a marriage as priceless as you and Jeremy's- totally serious. You two are perfect for each other... I love when you share your stories of togetherness.
Are there any single architects in your office? I may now be up for relocating. Just saying.

Sammanthia said...

How do you feel about Ponderosa?

Mrs. C. said...

I seem to remember one year being asked "hey, do you mind if we run in to Home Depot after dinner? I just need to grab a couple of things."

Nothin' says romance like the big orange box store...

HeatherPride said...

Thus begs the age old question....how does Ponderosa factor in the equation?

Oh, and thanks for the reminder. I really need to hit the card aisle tonight.

Keely said...

Bwahhahhahah!

See, this is why hubby and I just ignore Valentine's altogether. WAY too many rules attached.

Ali said...

Everything does taste better with Arby's sauce! Sweet validation.

Cameron said...

Uh, have you met many men? We are anything but subtle.

Cakelet said...

I vaguely remember an ad on TV for Sizzler's, and at the end of it, in a very sexy, breathy whisper, a voice says....sssizzlah... I haven't thought of that in years. Now it's going to haunt me. And that voice? That voice made Sizzler sound like a place of promise, of forbidden delight... a sybaritic dream...

Connie Weiss said...

Question: For Valentine's Day....Can I give my husband the Anniversary card that I forgot to give him in July?

What if I scratch out Happy Anniversary and write MEET ME IN BED!

Krystal said...

Have i told you how much I hate Valentine's Day? Yeah, I do - even married I have yet to have a happy, romantic valentine's day.

My husband's idea of Valentine's Day is to go to the store 3 weeks in advance and buy me something I need but a bit more pricey than what I would have spent and say, here, in case we don't have the money by then, i bought you this since you have been telling me that you need it.

romantic huh?

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Thanks for the tips Jen! I will certainly pass them along to my husband because I am pretty sure I noticed "strip club, then mom's house, then buy Valentine's Day card for Petra" in his Blackberry for the 14th.

Jonny's Mommy said...

I totally think that guys really do have a code word for strip club, but to leave it "strip club?" Come one, guys. Don't be so obvious. How about, booty club or boobville or....

Wait. I'm trying to get in the mind of a guy?! What!?!

Cat said...

Are you SURE it was Arby's sauce on your chin? In my world, it was something better.

Great list, although I disagree with the strip club. HO to the TT!

mrsbear said...

Nothing says love like Arby's curly fries. Seriously. You've just cemented my Valentine's Day plans. The greeting card section was my backup, but don't worry, I can take a hint.

Bex said...

The whole post was soooo funny! But it was the asterisk at the bottom that got me laughing so hard I nearly peed!

Jenni Jiggety said...

Can I just say I have to cancel ALL of my holiday plans now? I was planning to rob a Sizzler, head to a strip club, and then get arrested at my secretary's house.

bejewell said...

That story about the Sizzler cashier is NOT true.

It just can't be.

Is it?

Middle Aged Woman Blogging said...

I remember Valentine's Day... All those little homemade cards from the kids... They would have loved Sizzler's! I'd be happy now with Emack and Bolio's!

anita ovolina said...

Very funny. I'll have to tell my husband who once gain won't be here for Valentine's day. Third year in a row thanks to military :)

Errant said...

that's so funnnnnny ..

The Stiletto Mom said...

mmmmm....Sizzler. Did I just say that in public?

Tuesday Girl said...

Sizzler is still around? Really?

jen said...

i just heard an ad that walgreens (the pharmacy) is open late on v-day. really? i would hope my husband would put a little more effort into it.
and ...
have you ever been to a home depot or menards (home fix-it shops) on v-day? they have flowers. for those that totally forgot about the holiday.

Susan said...

There are still Sizzler's around? Holy Crap. And I am dying about how a woman's mind can digress and work it's way to madness about all males creating a secret signal for strip joint trips. That is hilarious.

GreenJello said...

How do you know people like this with such interesting stories? That's gotta make for some interesting family conversations...

Andrea said...

Too funny girl! I have to sheepishly say that I am the man in our relationship. Mr Man is the woman. (ahem, emotionally speaking of course!) I am the one who forgets about birthdays and Valentines and anniversaries. He's the romantic who has to remind ME about these things. I think last year, I was the one in the picked over card section at the store trying to find something for him! I felt horrible after you gave me the fish eye and vowed to do better this year (which I haven't btw).

Does the strip club still count as a no if it's my idea?? I'd be back early enough to slap him on the butt!

Casey said...

So if Sizzler is out, is Arby's ok? You got me wanting a beef n cheddar. Like really bad, might go get one now since the kids are in bad want one. Damn.

Sherendipity said...

Happy VD !
No, wait, that didn't sound right...

apathy lounge said...

Sizzler. I haven't heard that word in years. And Free Clinic? Isn't that taking the notion of "cheap date" just a little too far?

Laufa said...

So that's why Sizzler is on your list twice and then jail. My Hubby and I had a romantic lunch at a mexican restaurant - didn't think of the repercussions of those beans he ate though - great times!!

anymommy said...

So Carls Jr. on our couch is out then? Not romantic? Cause that's what I'm having and I'm going to guess it's my only gift.

Shangrila said...

It should be illegal to make people laugh so hard! Shame on you! Give up curly fries and get thee to a Sizzlers as penance! (Okay, don't do that. Really. Have a Happy Valentine's Day instead!) <3

Reinvent Dad said...

I think it might be fun to go to Sizzler today JUST to see all the idiots who take their gals on V-Day....I stress ONLY for scientific reasons.

Rhea said...

jail. hahaha

alisha said...

Ahhh how I love swimming so much. Don't you just find it so relaxing. Everyone should learn how to swim. If not you might want to consider taking swimming classes.

TattooedMinivanMom said...

We don't do the Valentine's day baloney here. Just for the kids. For each other, no cards, chocolates, flowers or jewelry. Just a good, hard lay. What more could a married guy ask for?