No, one, I repeat, no one has been dying to know what I’ve been up to on my five week hiatus from the internets. Not even my mom. True story. I called her up to let her know that I would have a post up within the hour and she was all, “Oh, are you still doing that blog thing?” Well, at least she got the name right this time. She used to call it a ‘blob’. Baby steps, people.
Well, during my self-imposed, and much needed break, I’ve been up to many, many things, all of them legal. For example, I saw Twilight three times. I said all my activities were legal, I didn’t say they were the least bit awesome. So, anyway, back to Twilight. You know, Edward’s not that creepy after you see him for the third time. Honestly. You know what is creepy though? The woman in her mid-thirties who sneaks off alone to the theater down the street when her children are both napping and her husband is preoccupied so that she can see a movie geared toward undead, chaste-loving, teens. My husband and I have finally reached an agreement that as long as he stops accusing me of being a cougar, I’ll no longer request that he strap me on his back and shout “You better hold on tight, spider monkey,” as he piggy-backs me through the neighborhood. Deal.
So, what else did I do? Hmm, let’s see, I had vomit in my hair. Twice. Both times, it was vomit that didn’t even belong to me.
I witnessed a man actually getting a ticket for jaywalking. JAYWALKING? YES, JAYWALKING. I even asked the guy after his citation if I just saw what I thought I saw. He showed me the ticket to confirm it. And yes, Steenky is that callus to hang out around a semi-crime scene just so she could ask a stranger if she could see his ticket. If I would have had my camera on me, I would have asked for a photo with the guy.
Oh, I also witnessed a lewd act in a Chuck E. Cheese’s bathroom that I’d prefer to never discuss or remember ever again. I can’t, or won’t go into details, but I’ll give you a hint: it involved someone I swear I recognize from high school wearing hot pants, dirty socks and an obscene amount of glitter. In order to protect myself, and my gag reflex, I will divulge no more. Oh, I will say this, HE wasn’t alone either. Yeah, chew on that one for a while.
I also ate a lot of toast, an embarrassing amount of toast. I’m not sure why, but it just felt right. Hot and buttery right. Now tell me how many things you can say that about? Not many.
I finally came to terms with my Brad Pitt issues. I know, it may come as a complete shock to most of you that I have issues with Brad Pitt, but I feel it’s time to come clean. I just don’t care for him. For years I’ve been silent about this, just sitting by at purse parties listening to all my girlfriends go on and on about how gorgeous he is. But, Steenky can keep up this exhausting charade any longer. So, here I am world, shouting that I am afraid no more of your harsh judgment of the fact that I’d rather see a love scene starring Gary Oldman any day over a shirtless Brad Pitt.
I have decided, however, that not everyone is ready for my new found boldness on the Pitt issue, like, for example the man in the check-out line behind me at Target. When I shouted out loud to the world that I wanted to see a semi-nude Gary Oldman he gave me the dirtiest look, covered his young daughter’s ears and quickly left to find another check stand. Not everyone feels the same way I do about Gary I guess.
Oh, yeah, and I may have accidentally re-designed the look of Steenky Bee. You might notice that things look different around here. Now, nobody likes change less than me. For realsies, I am sort of terrified of change, both literally and figuratively. The literal change, as in money, just gives me the heebie-jeebies. I don’t like the sound of it jingling and don’t even get me started on the smell of coins. And it’s cousin, the paper dollar? Pft. Do you people know where that stuff has been? Let’s just say, that I bet I could find more traces of vomit on a one dollar bill than was in my hair during the month of December. And you people have no idea how much vomit was in my hair. It was a lot. Trust me on this one.
As for the figurative change, as in the new look and feel on Steenky Bee, well, what can I say? I was bored with my old look. I tinkered around with a few things, changed some colors and added a big a** bee on the mast head. Serious. That bee is huge, ya’ll and I know it.
In closing, I would just like to say, that when I started writing this post I had no intentions of talking about vomit so much. Honestly, I’ve got better things to lay on you in ‘09, I swear I do. Vomit is just the tip of the iceberg.
I also want to thank everyone that checked in on me over the past weeks, to just poke at me to see if I was alive. I missed everyone dearly and can't wait to jump back into all your sites to see what you've all been doing. I bet none of you saw a cross dresser at Chuck E. Cheese's, did you?
In closing, once again, I think I’ve given you all enough ammunition to scare the bajeesus out me if you ever meet me in person. All you need to do is shout, “Things are gonna start changing around here!” and then throw a bunch of quarters in my face. I will instantly be crippled with fear at the prospect that things will somehow be different and at the fact that you subjected me to filthy coins.