January 15, 2009

Being Topical is Not One of My New Year's Resolutions

Instead of writing a resolution post during the New Year’s holiday, I fought the urge and held out until now to draft my list. My reasoning was simple. I wanted to wait it out until everyone had posted their resolutions already. After a few weeks, most items on those lists are probably shot or close to being broken. If I post my resolutions later, chances are that I can hold out until early to mid-February, thus making it look like I was able to stick to my goals for the new year a little longer.

I'm tricky like that.

This approach is similar to my long-held belief that I’ll somehow trick myself out of bed on time if I keep my alarm clock running 20 minutes fast. It hasn't worked in the fifteen years I've been trying it, but as you can see by resolution #67, I'll never give up the hope that someday it just might.

So, here’s my New Year’s Resolution list. I’m sure it’s just like yours.

1. Lose weight
2. Weigh my options
3. Get in shape
4. Accept “round” as a shape
5. Be more comfortable in my own skin
6. Get new skin
7. Listen to Barry White
8. Stalk Betty White
9. Watch more Golden Girls
10. Eat more Golden Grahams
11. Cooking school
12. Charm school
13. Wizard school
14. Too cool for school
15. Catch up with old friends
16. Ketchup with new friends
17. Work it out
18. Feel the burn
19. Pay the price
20. Buy two, get one free
21. Never gonna give you up
22. Never gonna let you down
23. Never gonna run around
24. …and desert you
25. Stop listening to Rick Astley
26. Start listening to Rick Springfield
27. Save more money
28. Find out if mo’ money means mo’ problems
29. Bust a move
30. Fix that busted move
31. Be a better mother
32. Turn this mother out
33. Snuggle with Jeremy
34. Buy a Snuggie (that’s for you, Bejwell)
35. Be more like Bejwell
36. Less pain
37. More joy
38. More Almond Joy
39. Dazzle my husband
40. Bedazzle my husband’s jeans
41. Find the perfect jeans
42. Call a friend named Gene
43. Make friends with someone named Gene
44. Stop
45. Collaborate and listen
46. Stop
47. Hammertime
48. Stop dating a**holes
49. Whoops! Number 48 is a leftover from my 1999 resolution list.
50. Party like it’s 1999
51. 99 Luftballoons
52. Perfect my German accent
53. Teach Tom Cruise to speak in German accent
54. Keep my position at work
55. Keep my composure at work
56. (…when someone says “steel erection”. It happens a lot.)
57. Form a band
58. Name it Steel Erection
59. Set it
60. And forget it
61. Bring “snazzy” back
62. Bring sexy back
63. Take sexy back
64. (for in-store credit only)
65. Re-read Great Expectations
66. But with mediocre hopes
67. Never give up hope
68. Find out if Bo and Hope are still together
69. Conquer my fears
70. Develop a fetish
71. Develop more film
72. Accept my feelings for one Rachel Maddow
73. Accept that my feelings are not returned by one Rachel Maddow
74. Accept the cease and desist order from one Rachel Maddow
75. Be taller

88 comments:

Vodka Mom said...

first??

Vodka Mom said...

crap. I really was.

Vodka Mom said...

oh jesus, bo and hope? BO AND HOPE?? Get out of the 80's. I mean 90's . I mean 00's. CHrist, are they still together????

Keely said...

I'm interested in how you're going to achieve that last one.

Well, the rest of them, too, but the last one sounds like it could end up being gory.

Heinous said...

Make sure it's not one of those really weird fetishes. Then people stop talking to you. ...or so I hear.

jen said...

boy have i missed you.
you make me giggle ...

love love love the list. perfect.
especially your throwback to the 1999 list.

you can check that one off for sure, huh??

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

If you figure out how to be taller will you let me in? I am figuring the taller I am the more I can weigh. I think about 6'7 should work. : )

Miss Grace said...

That's a pretty rock-solid list. And the more resolutions you have, the more statistically you are to achieve a higher quantity.

And hi.

ChurchPunkMom said...

dude, I love ketchup. Keep it real, homeslice.

Bee said...

Don't ask me how I know but Bo and Hope ares till together and apparently they're both cops. ::rolls eyes::

Father Muskrat said...

I love my snuggie! Go get yourself one.

Captain Dumbass said...

Oh my god, you posted...

Captain Dumbass said...

Ah. And now balance has been restored to the Force. I will sleep easy tonight and awake bright and new and throw open my arms to the glorious morn and know all is right again.

Quick to the point to the point no faking
I'm cooking MC's like a pound of bacon

Momma Trish said...

Bo and Hope are still together. John and Marlena are not. But I'm sure that will be remedied before they are written out of the show and/or jailed and/or kidnapped and/or killed off and/or brought back from the dead and/or possessed by the devil and/or ...

Nice ta see ya!

Sammanthia said...

I've always wanted to bedazzle something, just so that I could say I bedazzled something.
I can't believe you're going to quit Rick Astley. What's next? Tiffany?

shopgirl said...

So worth the wait for a new post! You are too funny girl! And I'm curious too, how you're going to accomplish the last one - when you figure it out - please call/email the 5'2" shopgirl - would ya?

Glad you're back . . .

Cameron said...

I'm pretty sure Bo and Hope are still together, unless Hope has been, yet again, kidnapped by Stefano DiMera, or she's possibly ship-wrecked on a deserted island.

Bex said...

you are awesome sauce. i haven't laughed so hard in a loooooong time!

Jennifer said...

I'm totally jealous of your list! Especially the "stalking Betty White" part--why didn't I put that on mine!?

I do that alarm clock thing too and it actually works for me b/c I'm too stupid/confused in the mornings to know better.

Laura said...

I love it, best list I've seen this year.

You may have aproblem with number 13 but the rest ... easy!

Kat said...

I feel like singing a Rick Astley son everytime you post. "Never gonna give you up.."

Kat said...

That is supposed to say song, but I can't type. These things happen.

Pamela said...

Bo and Hope. I will admit that I do watch once a month to keep up on what's up in Salem. I'm not proud. It is such a ridiculous show...that one and all the other soaps. I wait until I'm good and annoyed with my life, then I pop that crap on and feel tons better about things in general.

And is Betty White still alive? Seriously. Didn't she fall down and can't get up for the last time?

DeeMarie said...

I. Love. You. That was the coolest list of all!! And Steel Erection? Perfect name for a band!!!!! Have a great day!! (Hope things went well Tues.)

Tara@Sticky Fingers said...

Excellent! Has it taken you until the middle of January to come up with your New Year list? Better get a wriggle on or you won't make it past number 11.

Jamie said...

I think you should continue to listen to Rick Astley - and bedazzle his jeans.(Thats what she said)

Most important - I am concerned that so many people who commented know the status of Bo & Hope. Really, this concerns me.

Michele said...

When you figure out how to be taller could you pass that along?

You're going to awfully busy this year.

colepack said...

dude, I just love the list. You had me at Wizard school. I am a Harry Potter freak and would give a kidney to go to Hogwarts...... seriously.

Sprite's Keeper said...

76. Be a baller.

Thanks to you, I've got about 3-4 songs jockeying for position on which one is going to drive me nuts today!

:-)

michelle said...

I. Love. Lists.

And this may be one of the best I have ever seen! I send my holiday cards out the middle of January and call them "New Year" cards, so I am so with you on the time frame thing.

Dare to be yourself. and taller. and a wizard. Never to late to learn something. or grow, I always say.

IB said...

I'm adding you to my reading list because:

1) You are hilarious
2) I love the bee hair-do picture
3) You come highly recommended
4) I need to spend more time sitting in front of the computer

IB

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, I am so behind you on bringing snazzy back. If you need me to sign a petition, I will.

GreenJello said...

I wasn't expecting to get Rick Rolled in the middle of your list...

And speaking of #16, we should figure out lunch sometime. :)

CK Lunchbox said...

Wow. Getting into Wizard School is tough! I should know, I've been turned down three times, but you have waaaaay more natural talent so I'm sure you'll do fine.

PS. The entrance interview is a pain in the toad's nostril and study up on every use for powdered bat's wing.

Sherendipity said...

Awesome.
I love you so much.

HeatherPride said...

Well I certainly wish you luck with all those things! I especially love that you are going to begin stalking Betty White. I bet that would really make her day. She probably can't outrun you anyhow.

Irish Gumbo said...

You are really Grandmaster Flash aren't you?

I'm with you on Rachel Maddow. I mean, not actually PHYSICALLY on her with you. Although I suppose that could be interesting. Wait, where was I going with this? Oh, with me it is her neck. I had to stop watching her because i kept getting distracted by her neck. It's a lovely neck, a 'nibbleworthy' neck, I might say, but distracting. Perhaps if I put a strip of paper across the bottom of the screen.

Crap, my 1st resolution: Cease rambling. Well, that's blown...

Great post!

Katie said...

You can't stop listening to Rick Astley. There is too much Rick-rolling out there for that to ever happen!

I adore Rachel Maddow. She does take you by surprise at how endearing she is!

Krystal said...

Yea, Bo & Hope are still together - atleast the last time I checked - heck, Lexi and Abe have a son with autism - Sammy was in love with Lucas's brother ( I forgot his name)....okay I am rambling on about somthing that the last time I checked was about a month ago - so many things could have changed like a brain tumor or accident or magic.....anywhoo.....

Awesome list - just like you! Go figure huh?

Rebekah said...

You posted! Just when I was stalking your old posts because I was so sad to lose my periodic bee.

Bo and Hope will probably always be as together and then not as they were in 1983, the first time I saw them get married. Sigh...

HOORAY! A day with some Steenky in it!

Anndi said...

I still follow Rick Springfield's advice... wait, YOU're a stranger.. no, you're just strange *phew*

Hi!

Jess said...

Sexcellent list!!

You saved me alot of work...here is my list...

1. Copy Stinky's new years resolution list.

Tada! Sah-weet!

Casey said...

Wow, you just managed to get several songs simultaneously stuck in my head. Now they made up a new, even better song, thanks! It's nice to see you alive, I miss you. And Petra has a girl crush on both of us so I can tell it's gonna be our year.

PAPATV said...

I just got off the phone with a guy named Kong which made me think of your list.

#80: I want to craft a comeback name. Something big. But what? Papa Presidente, Papa Power, Papa Roach II, Papa Tecate?

Hmmm.....

ciara said...

wow, you know it's been awhile since i've been here when your header is all different lol very cute!

nope, this list isn't like mine. lol

btw i started a new blog w a fellow blogger if you want to chk it out http://oneweighatatime.com

Heather said...

#41 doesn't exist!!! Good luck with that one!!!

Laufa said...

Be taller? Are you over 5' - then you are tall. Believe me. I know.

Tracy Lynn said...

This list is why I ♥ you, dude. And also, I totally asked for and am getting a Snuggie for my birthday next week. Ummmmmmm, TOASTY.

How to Party with an Infant said...

brilliant.

Ali said...

i declared 2009 as the year of the list...so i think you should win a prize. or something.
:)

Chris Wood said...

Good luck with being taller!

ParentingPink said...

Just found your blog via one of my favorite blogging chums Petra over at Wise Young Mommy. Love your list! I really need to make one too :-) Have a great weekend!

kirsty815 said...

Bo and Hope are still together... not that I'd know or anything.. *crickets*

I know what you're up to trying to Rick Roll us all sneakily like that..lol

Charm School ReUnion was good, love Sharon Osbourne!!!

If "Steel Erections" were brought up in my work environment I might lose my composure too.

Did you know that turning around a bath robe was the same as having a snuggie. Just Sayin'...

Great New Years Resolutions!!

kirsty815 said...

PS I <3 Maddow too!!!!

Errant said...

the was a hell of a list .. it's funny .. i felt like reading those random thoughts that can go in a person's head ..

Connie Weiss said...

Great list....I'm clutched my pearls there at the end!

Jennifer said...

Hysterical!

(As for Rachel, she's MINE! ALL MINE!)

(And Keith O., sorry to say, but you've been replaced.)

HarryJack's Mom said...

Oh, so much funnier than mine! I've missed you, but I'm sure the other Steenkys have enjoyed having more of you, so I try not to be so sad. GL with any that you decide to try :-)

Jenni Jiggety said...

For the record, Bo and Hope are still together!

And anyone who rickrolls their readers on their resolution post is A OK with me.

for a different kind of girl said...

I've been waiting for you to come back, and when you do, you totally rock it like a hurricane!

I have a Not An Official Snuggi slanket. In the winters of our torrid union, we can each have one arm and snuggle (or snuggi) on the couch. Oh, yeah...

April said...

i think you've got really good odds for #75. i mean, that new hive's already put at least a couple inches on you, right?

Tammy said...

Hilarious!

bejewell said...

Dude, if YOU get a Snuggi and I get a Snuggi, we can go to football games and give each other high fives and camp out and stuff, and look SUPER COOL. Because it is WAY COOLER when you have someone to match with. Otherwise you're just a lonesome loser in your Ku Klux Klan robe.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I would like to ask if I can be one of your friends to "ketchup" with and also can I be the lead singer of Steel Erections? I can sing a mean Guns 'N Roses tune...

Maggie May said...

rachael maddow is in this month's vogue.

Elle Charlie said...

Bo and Hope - wow, that's a pair of names I haven't heard in a while. Is Marlena still possessed? That was hands down THE BEST storyline EVER!

Love the list! If you figure out how to get taller please let me know - I've always wanted to be 5'7". Thanks.

apathy lounge said...

Soap Operas: Sweet Jebus, could there BE worse acting on the planet? Somehow I doubt it. I missed you while you were gone. Kept checking back (not stalking, though) and now here you are with 66 comments already. I'll never be first. Never. *pounds fists*

Cakelet said...

Hi Steenky Bee --
This list made me a follower. I'm a big fan of hilarity. That post made me laugh out loud a bunch of times. Thank you for that.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I've seen you around in the comment threads and came on by. You're even funnier on your blog. ANd your list has a rhythm to it, I think it could be chanted.

jori-o said...

How much in-store credit did you get for the sexy? Just wondering.

goodfather said...

I also want to perfect my German accent. Seriously.

The Stiletto Mom said...

Did I tell you The Man bought not one but six Snuggies? FOR GIFTS. They are the most hideous things I have ever seen and I made them return them.

Don't tell anyone...Oh, wait...

Lola said...

Great list! Good luck with the getting taller, and let me know what works.

The alarm trick works for me maybe half of the time, but I go to bed at 2 AM and get up at seven, which means I'm out of my mind when it starts blaring.

Oh, and I keep the alarm clock on the other side of the room so that I have to crawl out of bed to make the misery stop. Half the time I crawl back under the covers, half the time I don't.

Rhea said...

Be taller. lol I want that one.

Khadra said...

oh my, how many days are in YOUR year?

anita ovolina said...

OK I thought I was the only one who watched the Golden Girls he he he - I love that show but whenever I mention it people respond with a strange expression on their faces...

Red Cup Mom said...

Um, number 4 isn't on my list. Ha.

Yea, Rachel Maddow. Did you know I had no clue who she was until Newsweek did a piece on her? I am reader and not a tv watcher. Well, the kids make it hard for me to watch anything by the freaking Disney Channel.

JuleeSLC said...

I think I've read this list a dozen or so times and still keep giggling at "steel erection."

Waa haa haa. How many times have I sat in a meeting and tried to stay poised and composed upon hearing those words?!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Bestasist new years list EVER! And who is this Rachel chick? I thought I was the only one you wanted a restrainer against?!?

Meli said...

Lemme know when you figure out the last one.

bsouth said...

I've just adopted your resolution list - 4 day's after you, I should last a bit longer!

beth said...

You're on a roll. Sounds like a fantastic year ahead!

Leslie said...

Great post - put a smile on my face.

Wow, Days? Really?

Leslie said...

Great post - put a smile on my face.

Wow, Days? Really?

D said...

SNUGGIE RULES

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Anonymous said...

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