November 13, 2008

The Spin Cycle: Frankie says, 'Relax'. Jen doesn't know Frankie but wishes he would always wear clean undershorts.

Whoa! Sprite’s Keeper’s Spin Cycle came upon me quickly this week. Normally I do a little séance and eat a bunch of gummy worms to prepare for each week’s topic, but this week I had absolutely no time to run out and restock on incense. Instead, I hovered near a Pumpkin Spice scented candle and ate left over Smarties from Halloween. So please, be understanding as you read my spin on relaxing. The Smarties gave me a headache, but they allowed me to stretch the relativity of recent conversations with my husband and relaxing until it was wafer thin.

Here goes....
The other day at work there was a loud fist pounding fit from across the office. “Damn it, Jen. Not again!" I heard Jeremy shout. Within moments he was over at my desk (Did I tell you that we work together? It was a steamy office affair, but that’s a post for another day.)

He stood there, glaring at me, demanding to know why I’m trying to give him a bad rap on Steenky Bee.

Jeremy: Did you type over and over, ‘When Jeremy came out of the closet,’ when I specifically asked you not to?
Me: No, I did not type 'When Jeremy came out of the closet’ over and over. Why would you think I would type ‘When Jeremy came out of the closet’? What’s so funny about ‘When Jeremy came out of the closet’?
Jeremy: Yes you did. I just read it on your blog.
Me: Um, Lover? That was over two weeks ago. You are so behind. Don’t you read it every day?
Jeremy: *Shrugging*
Me: Don’t be upset, I far worse things about you last week.

Jeremy then pulled me into the copy room and we had ourselves a long talk about boundaries and Lemon Snapple. I listened to Jeremy as he explained the importance of boundaries on this here blog. He listened to me as I raved about how I prefer regular Lemon Snapple to that of Diet Lemon Snapple. (My husband is sooooo patient with me.)

Honestly, I am so lucky that Jeremy is contractually obligated to love me. I tell him every day how much I love him. In turn, he tells me, “Babe, you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in, like, ten years.”

When I press him as to why the ten year time frame he always replies, “Well, a lot of really cool stuff happened to me before I met you.”

Do you see why I love him so much? Not only is he super funny, super handsome, but he has helped me unwind and relax a little bit in my life. He’s the ultimate mellow fellow and doesn’t let too much rile him. Truth be told, Jeremy wasn’t even upset about the post where I wrote about him coming out of the closet. He just needed an excuse to come over to the marketing department because that’s where the office keeps a secret stash of candy. Although he did have to endure my rambling testimony about Lemon Snapple, he scored a handful of bite-size Snickers bars that he claims "were so worth it".

As I mentioned just now, Jeremy has taught me to relax and just sort of take life as it comes. I am forever grateful for this. Before I met him, my hair was actually a lot nappier due to all the unnecessary stress I put myself through. However, there is still one area in our relationship where I refuse to "give in and just relax already". In our nine years together, we just can’t seem to reach a compromise about the issue of optional underwear.

Please allow me to explain: I have a strict stance of wearing underwear at all times. It’s courteous. It’s sensible. It’s hygienic. However, there are times, when Jeremy tends to be a bit lax in the skivvy department. For example, the other day as he was getting dressed for work I noticed that he wasn’t wearing any underwear. When he put his jeans on, it became clear that he was actually skipping the the application of undershorts portion of his routine. He saw me staring and came over to give me a hug.

Me: Whoa, whoa! Not so fast, fella. (One arm thrust forward)
Jeremy: What?
Me: Um, what’s with going free and easy over there? (One finger now pointing...down there)
Jeremy: I don’t have any clean shorts so I’m going commando today. Is there something wrong with that?
Me: Um, let me think…YESSSS! You know my underwear rule.
Jeremy: *smiling* Relax.
Me: I just prefer two layers of cotton, you know, between….me and….your guys.
Jeremy: Well it looks like I’m the only one willing to compromise.
Me: ?????
Jeremy: You prefer TWO layers between us. I prefer ZERO. These jeans? They count as ONE layer. Relax, I’m compromising.

After that, Jeremy did two things: First, he gave me a long, and slightly inappropriate hug, then he gave me a wedgie. Ah, true love.

92 comments:

steenky bee said...

First!!!!!! And the most lame.

jen said...

second! but first after you...so i think that's best!
and underwear...totally necessary.

Jonny's Mommy said...

I am completely distracted by the men in underwear to the left of the screen here....those boxers are really tight...OK. Going back to the post and ignoring the ad. Ignoring the ad. I can do this.

Jonny's Mommy said...

I agree with Jeremy...no layers are good between a husband and wife. Just not at work...wow...disturbing. I mean, I want more than one layer between my hubby's "area" and other women, you know?

Yeah. Just saying.

What was this post about again? Whatever...it made me relax and I needed that today.

goodfather said...

TOP 5!!!!!

Miss Grace said...

"contractually obligated to love me"

I'm going to work that phrase into my daily vocabulary.

goodfather said...

OK, I'm back.

1. After getting over the fact that you TOTALLY BOGARTED the #1 slot in your comments, I'm gonna do that tomorrow on my blog :D.

2. Can I say I also 'go commando'? Is that wrong? If it is, I'm totally NOT saying that. Just sayin'.

JuleeSLC said...

There's a visual I won't soon forget: Jeremy goin' commando.

Jenni said...

Who needs Romeo and Juliett when there are Jenbo and Jeremy? Serioulsy, you may be the best couple in the history of the universe.

Cape Cod Gal said...

I must admitt I go without panties on a daily basis. Except when I wear pants. That makes me feel icky

Big K gets a bit touche about my blog. Occasionally I throw loving words in there for him. It makes him feel special and keeps me out of the dog house.

Rebekah said...

Nobody who washes the underpants of a small boy can imagine any man, anywhere, wearing pants without underwear. E-V-E-R. I have to take valium just to do the laundry these days. (sad, but I'm VERY RELAXED).

Mama Dawg said...

Awwwwww....ya'll are perfect together. And thanks for the compliment on my wee one's Halloween costume!

Khadra said...

I dont think you are allowed to be the first on your own blog. Let me check the rules...

Yep, I was right. You are disqualified MISSY!

I want to hear the office romance story and I suddenly need some lemon Snapple. Thanks.

Come over to my blog. I have ham for everyone to go with that Snapple.

Cameron said...

Was it your standard wedgie, or was it of the atomic variety? I love atomic wedgies, it's like taking underwear way further than they were ever meant to go.

for a different kind of girl said...

Was he wearing underwear (or "drawers" as I like to call the man panties) the day he sauntered over to your work area and snaggled on the bite size Snickers? Because what I'm saying here is maybe he wasn't really there for the peanuts and caramel, you know what I'm sayin'?

(I hope so, because I just said 'sayin'' twice in one sentence. Plus I just said 'said,' too. "Say, say, say what you want but don't play games with my affections...")

OK, in case you weren't sure what I meant (different from 'said'!), maybe he's hoping not every discussion in the copy room involves Lemon Snapple. Diet or otherwise.

You got any more of those Snickers, btw?

Captain Dumbass said...

I don't care if Jeremy is gay, he's a great guy!

for a different kind of girl said...

Cripes! When I clicked over to comment, I was 12th, and now I'm 15th?!

for a different kind of girl said...

I just read my comment. I left out some stuff. However, I think my point got across. Maybe.

Just to clarify, I think there's a method to his madness about not donning the drawers.

This is probably comment number 93 now.

:)

Captain Dumbass said...

And I think the whole underwear thing is a man/woman issue. You're looking at if from an internal plumbing point of view. Doesn't it feel good to let the girls free at the end of the day? The boys need that freedom too. In fact, I'm sure that if you checked with a urologist he or she would tell you it's healthy and probably recommended. Get over your stodgy rules, give Jeremy the freedom he deserves.

The Stiletto Mom said...

You can't be first on your own blog. That makes you as big of a cheater as Cameron. :)

Two things:
Diet Lemon Snapple rules.
Going commando is fun.

Jeremy wins this round...even though he keeps COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET.

Tracy Lynn said...

This is the first time IN MY LIFE that I have wished I was married.

Middle Aged Woman said...

It was The Wedgie of Love, though.

GreenJello said...

Did the marriage contract include "wear underwear at all times"?

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Did you rush to comment on your own post? You rule.

I totally see this as an "Office" episode. Your Angela and Jeremy i Dwight. (You thought I was thinking Pam and Jim didn't you?)...that's what she said...

Anndi said...

He'll reconsider one day when he zips up too quickly.

Ali said...

i'm a girl who almost NEVER wears underwear...but under jeans??? UNDER JEANS?? underwear is a must. just saying. :)

Mrs. C. said...

Hey, just thank the Lord he's not wearing YOUR underwear...

But I hear they have whole websites devoted to that.

With pictures.

Excuse me while I brush out my brain. EEw.

And now for a lemon snapple and Snicker-fix...

Casey said...

Ok, first of all, you can't be first on your own post. It's just not done. Secondly, the only thing I read in this entire post is that you've been cheating on HASAY and gobbling up the candy. I KNEW it. Here I am hobbling around like a 90 year old woman from the exercise video I did THREE DAYS ago and meanwhile, you go around eating everything in sight. Stop it. I think I love Jeremy, he puts up with you and completes you and that completes me.

Katie said...

It was nice that he gave you a wedgie. It really must be love!

Mc Allen said...

I'm so late is this game , I'm not even going to dignify it with my reply that I refuse to reply with. what do you people do all day , sit by your puter's and refresh , refresh until you see a new post???... I'm disgusted frankly..... LA

April said...

Hey Steenky. Are you really the Bloggess incognito? Cause I think you might be. And even if you say you're not. I think you might be.

April said...

p.s. wants to hear more about sordid romance on office copier after christmas party.

Colepack said...

I hope that really happened because it was pretty cool!!!

Pamela said...

you are totally the most lame to comment on your own post.

funny, yes, but also lamest.

Heinous said...

I am so far behind. Can we get turns at wedgies for Jen?

blissfullycaffeinated said...

I don't know what this post says, but your ads are very disturbing. I'll be back later to read this with the care and attention it deserves. Heading off to book club. Kiss.

Sprite's Keeper said...

36th! Also 36th in line for the wedgie.
I agree with you on underwear. It took Joey and Chandler's fight to put the nail in THAT coffin.
I also agree with you on Lemon Snapple. The regular is 1 million times better than the diet. Some things you can't skimp on!
You're lovely and linked!

Aleta said...

R O T F L M A O

OMG - that was hilarious. First time visitor to your site and this is the post that I read. I look forward to coming back here again. This was great!

DeeMarie said...

All the good comments were taken... especially the first one.
So I'm just going to say HA!! Way to keep Jeremy in line, and the boys under cover.
I'm not contractually obligated... but I still big pink puffy heart you!

Tiffany T said...

Anyone who references "Friends" so casually is a friend of mine. I'll have to go check out Sprites Keeper after this comment.

My hubby is so festidious about cleanliness that I don't know how I would react if he decided to go commando. I'd probably attack him :). Loved the post!!

miko564 said...

See, this proves that men and women are completely different. The poor man was not making a statement, he wasn't just dying to let the boys free, he WAS OUT OF CLEAN UNDERWEAR.

When you sniff all three pairs, which MIGHT be clean, and discover, clearly, they are not...what choice do you have?

I side with Jeremy, he is obviously a conscientious co-worker, to not go to work in dirty drawers!

Sherendipity said...

Awwwwwwwww. You crazy kids!

Thank you for giving me nowblowme blog fodder ideas. Underwear, and the reasons you should wear it, is a golden topic.

Saucy said...

He.reads.your.blog? Really? It must be love.

HeatherPride said...

Lemon Snapple? That's really a flavor? Not like, lemonade or lemon ice tea but just....lemon? Huh.

Just you wait till tomorrow, missy! I got a post for you all right! For you, by you, about you.... Ok, not those last two. But definitely the first one!

HeatherPride said...

And kind of the last one. Now that I think about it.

Tina said...

I clicked over to tell you how much I love Jeremy's rationalization about going commando but I was distracted by the sexy male underwear models in your sidebar. Um, what's your name again and where am I?

Robin said...

Good taste in chocolate AND he doesn't mind that you dish about him on your blog? Now that's a keeper! The commando thing? Well, one day he'll be in a rush to zip up those old levis and his willy will get caught in an unforutunate situation. And that, my fair Steenky, will be the end of the one-layer rule. :)

Jennifer said...

Sorry about your Smartie headache!

I just can't go w/out unders--I tried it and just didn't...feel right!

I just left a comment on another blog about underwear--what's wrong w/ me!?!

Sal said...

I really think you just wanted to write this post about underpants to see all of the male underwear model ads in the sidebar, but that is just my humble yet accurate opinion.

Also, if you think about it, unless you yourself were naked, there were actually 3 layers of cotton between you and his guys, his pants and your very own two layers, so needless to say, you were even over your usual limit for layers.

There are three types of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't!

ChurchPunkMom said...

i can't believe how tardy i am today... wow. way to score points as a life coach! that's okay though.. it's all part of my plan..

you see, you need to relax, grasshoppah. like me.. so relaxed, i waited until nearly midnight to comment on today's post.. so relaxed, i waited until nearly midnight to post my daily offering for noblomofo! now that's relaxed.

also? our bed is a strictly 'no undie' zone. perhaps setting boundaries on when-to-go-commando and when-to-go-undercover-like-a-good-russian-spy-named-silvia... are in order.

jus' sayin'.

ChurchPunkMom said...

free nuts!!

Captain Dumbass said...

Tonight we had beef and broccoli for dinner. Then I had a piece of banana walnut upside down cake with a cup of hot chocolate. Then an oatmeal cookie. Now I'm going to go watch an old episode of the West Wing because it was like the best written show, like ever.

Zip n Tizzy said...

I knew there was something missing in this years Halloween stash – The Smarties!
Yeah, underwears a must, but now that I'm outnumbered by the men in my house, I have to choose my battles. For the time being, as long as the little one's diapered, I consider myself ahead.

anymommy said...

Underwear is not optional. Not under any circumstances.

Vodka Mom said...

I hope you kicked his ass.

Tuesday Girl said...

Comando in jeans? You must use some great fabric softener because baby, that is rough.
Literally.

Anndi said...

Don't tell Jeremy but I too wrote that he had come out of the closet... I blame my sickened state though.

Carolyn...Online said...

I can't understand the going commando thing. Truly. I can, however, understand snaking the Snickers bars from the Marketing Department.

gingela5 said...

Haha..."I'm out there Jerry and I'm LOVIN' every minute of it." I immediately thought of Seinfeld...haha I went commando for a month or so. It just gets messy---you need to tell him about the horrible sores and oozing puss that comes with jeans rubbing against bare skin...Ok I'm kidding--I think it's just the herpes. Wow...

Cat said...

When I run out of clean underwear, I do what ALL normal people do, and I wear a bra on my ass. Going commando is just...blech. What if he gets some of his, you know, hairs in the zipper? EGAD!

Debbie said...

OK, I'm laughing at work with people wanting to know what's so funny. How do I explain about Jeremy coming out of the closet and how Jeremy doesn't want you to talk about him coming out of the closet? Besides, where I work, talking about coming out of the closet, even if it's just about Jeremy coming out of the closet would be a big no-no.

I hear people who have come out of the closet like to go commando.

HarryJack's Mom said...

All the good stuff has been said already, but I wanted to thank you for the rush of laugh and love you brought to my day :wub: Also, one of my sons is all "I LOVE going commando!" and the other is totally NOT....go figure. Maybe I'll have to dub them Joey and Chandler...now that I think about it, those would work pretty well. Happy day - hope you're feeling better and relaxed and that we hear the sordid office romance story soon. Please let Jeremy know he makes me happy for you and love my own DH even more :-)

beth said...

Last!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those "Love Contracts" are so overrated. What's the penalty when our guys don't do as they are supposed to? Sounds like you two have an awesome relationship, contract or not!

Maggie May said...

remember that episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte's new husband sat on her white settee with no clothes on?

i'm just saying.

Maggie, Dammit said...

I was going to tell you how much I loved this post but then I saw your first comment and loved that even more. Love love love love love, I'm smooshing you with it right now. :)

Chris Wood said...

Aw, you should let him have a bit of time with his tackle free & easy.

Only fair.

for a different kind of girl said...

Um. Hi. WHERE ARE YOU?!

Sincerly,

Stalk E. McStalkerson, Esq.

jen said...

you are on.
if we ever meet...i'm totally bringing the guess who game. from home. the one here at work is probably too germy.
yuck.

Opus #6 said...

Underwear is a good thing. Visiting from Ann's GNO.

Ann said...

Ah, like Romeo and Juliet.
So romantic

Kally said...

Thanks for stopping by for Ann's GNO! Really OMG! Totally thanks. I am so glad to find you blog cuz you have me laughing my arse off :)

I agree about the underwear thing. Underwear is always a must. Why oh why do guys think their jump factor goes up if they aren't wearing any? It just makes me dread washing those NASTEE jeans even more :p

jerlyn said...

Emergency rooms deal with Jeremys
everyday, much pain is involved
and a new respect for velcro
l
ps, I have to ask Cpt. Dumbass how I add your Blog to site that I
follow. Brain doesn't function
to well at moment.

HeatherPride said...

Hi, do you know Ann? You should go see her site, she does this cool GNO thing and....what the???

Is this you, Steenky? Or should I say, Bloggess Jr!! I'm like 73rd! How did that happen?

Oh, cuz you're awesome, you say? Yeah...I'll go with that.

Kristen Andrews said...

hi visiting from Anne's GNO nice to meet you!

Lisa said...

Did you seriously steal the first post on your own blog?

SEEEEEEEERIOUSLY???

(Say it aint so).

Im with you on teh commando.

I die a little inside everytime i hear a chickadee insinuate shes *DUNDUNDUN* not wearing any *DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN* panties and it is OH SO HOT to be her.

oh so no... you know that little patch of white/ yellowy/ clear/ dont-analyze-it
{OH HELL YES I AM GOING THERE!}
smear on your panties??? Yeah, you go commando and that smear is now directly on one side of the material saving teh world from sweaty crotch smell... and nobody wants to smell your sweaty crotch... (well I dont anyway)...

And yes, if youre asking, the girl who sits next to me DOES have bad hygene... and yes, i DO go to work daily PRAYING she is wearing panties PLEASE. to avoid some creepy clarice/ hannibal moment...
YEAH

Im going to stop now...

Feel free to screen my comments from now on.

And tell that man to GET BACK IN HIS CLOSET UNITL HE HAS HIS MANTIES ON!!!

"GET YO MAN-TIES ON!"

Vodka Mom said...

and can someone come help my little commando kindergartner? Her underwear "bodders" her and she comes to school in DRESSES with no undies. yeah.

Tricia said...

It's official. We have to take you to blog court for that sabotaging, first comment thing. You'll need a good attorney, one that specializes in blog warfare.

I'm actually OK with the commando thing, but I keep telling my husband to please stop bringing up serious topics when he's getting out of the shower. I swear he thinks himself into a steam, steps out of the shower and expects I'm going to carry on a normal conversation while he's wild and free.

Wendy said...

Heh! Thomas is like you. You never ever ever don't wear underwear! It's just the rule! But the only time I wear them is if I'm going to the gym. Or when I want to be sexy. lol. Cuz a thong just does that to me. ;)

Jamie said...

Yeah, thats right
79 -
WOW
You are so super fly popular you could probably get in to THEE Ohio State University now -

You work with you husband - man, you guys must really like each other.

No underwear? Isn't that ILLEGAL in Utah -

And why oh why did I NOT know about the SL,UT Tshirts that one can purchase in UTAH. Did you know about them and just didn't want me to have a SL,UT tshirt?

Bee said...

I don't understand the Sans-undies crowd. My brother will go commando and then tell the world! What about the friction??

I'm lucky. The hubs would shower in his unders if he could.

In uh intimate moments, as soon as he's done, he puts his general away ASAP! Says things like, "when I turn, I need the boys to follow".

Jenni Jiggety said...

The only exception to the underwear rule for ME is if I have on tights...because thing just get all bunched up under there.

kirsty815 said...

Loved the title of this blog! My hubby wears boxers and never goes commando. However, I need to sew all the fronts shut or invest some money into the ball bra for him. ~grin~
Seriously! Watch it! That's my hubby. lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orymhgZ6XoA

jerlyn said...

Steenky bee:
Thanks for the comments. Yes, the
Red Hatters are a hoot. It all
spawned from a lady who wrote the
poem about how when she got older
she would do all the things society
frowned on, that she wouldn't do when she was younger. End of poem
is, "maybe I should start wearing purple now and then so my family
won't be surprised when I start
wearing purple. If you haven't
seen it, I can send it to you.

Also, did you catch Melanied's post
about Chad being a "Cat" person
(not!) Send him a cat picture,
in fact, we should have everyone
send him cat pictures.
l

Shan said...

My Christmas music blaring was the perfect compliment to reading your blog, for some reason or another... I agree on the under roo opinion. I just think that there should be that bonus layer. I mean, what if your pants should catch on fire during a doozy of a lie? You would be thanking your lucky stars for that extra layer! And who can argue with that? Here is the concrete evidence in a pretend scenario: Scene 1. Man enters office.
Lady: did you just steal a handful of mini snickers?
Dude: No....Sonofa, my pants are on fire! Whew, thank God for my wife telling me to wear an extra layer!

See, totally legit. Point proven.
On a side note by your "contractually obligated to love you" comment, I think that Jeremy and the Hubster would have mucho in common. I snagged him before he knew any better. Poor guy didnt even see what was impending. Oh well! Hes stuck with me now, muahahahaha!

Yaya said...

Hahaha! That is so funny!

Casey said...

Haven't been stalked by you all weekend which can only mean that you're taking this HASAY thing very seriously and you're out exercising. Congratulations, I'm so proud of you. I haven't called you a skan in awhile so here goes: Skan.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

“Well, a lot of really cool stuff happened to me before I met you.”\

That. Is. Hilarious.

And I would have slapped my husband if he said that to me. But, like you guys, all in good fun.

Sorry about the wedgie. But it was out of love and it's the thought that counts, right?

blissfullycaffeinated said...

87th!!! Woo hoo.

OK, you work with your husband? Girlfriend I think I have underestimated how kind and caring you really are. Because, as much as I love my husband, if I had to work with him we would have ended up on the news in a murder suicide situation.

Please tell Jeremy he must for the love of God put some underwear on. Isn't he afraid of some sort of zipper accident?

And fruit punch Snapple is the best flavor of Snapple. Just accept it and move on.

Soory it took me so long to get back over here. I got lost in the fitting room at the pineapple and they didn't know I was in there and they closed up and locked the doors and I was trapped. Then yesterday morning when they opened up they found me but it was time for my shift, so I didn't make it home until yesterday afternoon. Then I needed food and a nap and IV fluid, so just now getting back to the internet.

xo

Krystal said...

A wedgie truly is real love!! He's not afraid to hug you then torture you!

anita doberman said...

Awesome - first on the post and talking about commando ....
or "Nuda" as we say in Italy :)

Captain Dumbass said...

Time to put your bra back on.

I hope there's a 92.

mongoliangirl said...

NINETY TWO!!! Yo Steenky! That boundaries on the blog thing? Maybe if you RELAX about the layers of cotton thing he will relax about the boundaries on the blog. Or, you can just use my tactic: Get permission and then type and publish as quickly as possible! Oh, and don't EVER let him know you know how to delet or edit a post.