November 17, 2008

Fattie: Week 5 (Good Goals / Bad Hair Judgement)

When it comes to my HASAY update this week, I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. And I'm not one to make excuses for veering off course either. I know I've got no one else to blame but myself. But if I were to make excuses, here’s what that list might look like:

1. My recent flu totally killed me and my will to eat sensibly.
2. I became really hungry and decided a cheeseburger would be delicious. (It totally was.)
3. I thought about exercising, but then decided it would be more satisfying to crash on the couch and watch a little television.
4. I avoided any direct contact with my treadmill. (Out of site=out of mind.)
5. I couldn’t find my running shoes. Well, to be honest, I kicked them under the bed on purpose. (See excuse #4.)

What I lacked in actual physical activity, I totally made up for in goal-setting and motivation. Let me break it down for you.

Sunday afternoon, Jeremy and I watched The Terminator (1984) on cable. I hadn’t seen the whole thing from start to finish in years and had forgotten what an awesome film it was. After the movie was over, Jeremy and I felt a little sad and empty inside. We filled that void by renting Terminator 2: Judgement Day and eating a bunch of nachos.

During the sequel something amazing happened. First, I used an entire package of shredded cheese for the nachos as opposed to the usual half a bag. It made all the difference in the world. Those nachos were delicious. Second, I was reminded how cut and toned Linda Hamilton was for her role as Sarah Connor. Remember her doing all those pull-ups in the mental hospital? I totally want her shoulder and upper body definition.

Jeremy and I debated what it would take for me to get arms of steel in under twelve weeks. I maintained that increased reps with free weights would do the trick. Jeremy insisted that I would have to be the mother of a rebel leader fighting futuristic cyborgs in order to get that in shape. I told him to “Get real”. Jeremy then looked at me very intently and whispered, “Time travel is real, Jen. Oh, it’s very real.”

I found it a little odd that my husband had such strong feelings about time travel in The Terminator series because just a few days earlier when we watched The Lake House, he rolled his eyes so often that I was sure he was suffering from a mild seizure. He complained that the premise of a two-year time gap between strangers who trade letters back and forth through a magic mailbox was totally unbelievable.

Sure, two people finding each other through threads of time and the U.S. Postal Service is completely preposterous. But a world where a futuristic soldier (Kyle Reese) is sent forty years into the past by his leader (John Connor), who is really his son, to protect his mother (Sarah Connor) could ACTUALLY HAPPEN. Also, there's a terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) who has been sent back in time to find and kill Ms. Conner so that she doesn't has the chance to meet the time-traveling soldier and the father of her unborn son. Huh?

Jeremy and I then wondered what we would do if given the opportunity to visit ourselves in 1984? What would we warn ourselves about at the tender age of thirteen? Jeremy claims he would definitely tell his young self to keep his Transformer action figures in their original packaging and to invest every bit of his allowance in Google stock options.

I, on the other hand, didn't feel it necessary to secure my financial future because I knew one day I would marry a handsome architect who found wealth from his pristine toy collection and sound investment strategies. Instead, I felt it far more important to travel back to the fall of '84 and steal my family's powder blue station wagon so that my parents would be unable to drive me to the salon where I would cut my hair into a pseudo mullet. This mullet, which I sported through most of my junior high years, would take over 18 months to grow out and more than a lifetime to forget.

To put Jeremy's time travel theory to the test, I'm posting my seventh grade picture below. If I've successfully thwarted the hair cut from hell, then I should be sporting a stylish chin-length bob in that photo. If for some reason I've failed in my mission, you'll be be staring at a young girl who made the ill-advised decision to chop most of her hair into a bowl of bangs. It's also safe to assume that either way, the junior high Jen has not yet to discovered how much better her eyebrows would look after a good tweezing. That little revelation didn't hit me until high school. Wish me luck, people.


HASAY Summary:
1. I now have a goal to get ridiculous arms.
2. I'm thinking that time travel may be counted as my cardio workout.
3. Mullets are never a good idea.

UPDATE: My mom reminded me that during my junior high years, our car's tires were mysteriously flattened repeatedly in the span of about four months. My parents never did catch the culprit whom we all assumed was just the boy next door. But after this weekend's revelations about the properties of time travel, it is entirely possible that my future self may have tried, on several occasions, to travel back to 1984 and prevent myself from succumbing to the seduction of the seventh-grade mullet.

79 comments:

Twenty Four At Heart said...

First!

Momma Trish said...

I believe I wore that exact haircut in college. I was terribly out of style.

Momma Trish said...

Okay. Fine. SECOND!!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Ok - Can I add something here? Just WATCHING Terminator movies burns millions of calories. All that action! It's a proven fact.

Rebekah said...

I am SO TOTALLY inspired to write my own 80's hair post! You, sniff, sniff, are my inspiration! Or perspiration! Whatever. Ation! You are my Ation!

Captain Dumbass said...

Six? Seriously?

goodfather said...

Seventh??? Is EVERYBODY UP??

Captain Dumbass said...

Time travel! Brilliant. I'm so going to steal this at some point. 1984 Captain Dumbass? Man, I'd give that kid an ass whoopin.' And I'd kill to have Linda Hamilton's upper body from Terminator 2. Hell, even if it were still her sized frame I'd still take it. Not the breasts though, I'd never get anything done if I had breasts.

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Did you grow up in The Little House On The Prairie and go to the one room school house with the bell that you rang with a rope? And did you carry your lunch in a bucket and your books all fashioned up in a leather strap?

Because that can be the only reason you have that hairdo.

No offense.

goodfather said...

Starve a cold, feed a fever.

Nachos and T2. Awesome! Please ask Jeremy to stop by my house and tell me to NOT sign up for clown clamp.

TattooedMinivanMom said...

BTW...D likes to watch Rocky and listen to Eye of the Tiger to get in the ass kickin workout mood.

(In 4, where he runs in the snow and hauls lumber while the Russian dude uses all the high tech crap. That's the best.)

(Eye of the Tiger was the song we played when we walked into our wedding reception as husband and wife for the first time. True story. Everyone threw bubbles at us.)

Mc Allen said...

Hey, what the heck??? That hairstyle rox, I have it right now as a matter of fact... And yes, scientifically you are correct about the time travel thing... Also, thanks, its 1:47 am and I am now seriously jonesin nachos!!! :0l LA

PAPATV said...

Oh, that's it. I'm totally bringing the Fuglies back.

Fuglies Forevor!

ciara said...

i see you succumbed to the 80's BIG hair on top of the mullet...you were tryin to be the fashion queen, right? hehehe

1984 was the year i graduated high school..yes. i. am. OLD. LOL

i love the 80s, but never 'did' big hair

p.s. did you know you burn 1200 (or was it you NEED 1200) calories just to do everyday things like breathing, eating, sleeping, sitting, standing, going to the bathroom?

Chris Wood said...

Mullets are a terrible thing. Them and nuclear war.

If you're ill, dieting can easily result in death, or worse. You did the only sensible thing.

After all, the entire fate of humanity may depend on you.

Yaya said...

Haha-that time travel debate is hilarious!
Although...the lake house theory is sort of bizarre...

You were beautiful!

Jenni said...

You know what's weird? Yes, you, but really I've always though you looked like my friend Melissa from jr. high and she ALSO sported and IDENTICAL mullet during that time period.

Also, I was planning on blogging about watching the Lake House this weekend. It's actually going to be all about Keneau and my obsession with his bad acting. We'll see if I get around to it.

Casey said...

I haven't seen The Lake House yet but the premise looked completely ridiculous. I'm with Jeremy though, The Terminator is believable. Your mullet is beautiful, sometime I'm going to have to post the pictures of Jamie's awesome mullet. He looked like that bounty hunter guy who had his on reality show. Your HASAY excuses are very similar to mine this week except that I didn't have any form of the plague to blame, it was all me. I look forward to viewing your perfectly toned arms, have you considered an arm transplant? It would save so much time.

Anndi said...

I think the obstacle was thinking that the U.S. Postal service could orchestrate delivering letters with an exact 728 day gap in a consistent manner is what killed it for Jeremy...

The hair? I have blocked out all memories of junior high hair. I did have a Robert Smith cut that when teased looked like a thermonuclear war mushroom but my mom wouldn't let me dye my hair black. After seeing my friend Johanne's sorry home dye attempt (which gave her a green tint) I wasn't so mad at mom.

The Stiletto Mom said...

Dude! The hair!!!!!

I was temporarily blinded and now must go back and read your brilliance.

DeeMarie said...

The flu killed my diet too. And it's now 8am and I need a cheeseburger with a side of nachos. I love the hair. You had style... I don't know what kind of style, but it was style. Maybe I'll bust out my poodle-do in the near future. (or past???)
Glad you're feeling better.
Loves.

Cape Cod Gal said...

I will have to unearth the photo of my bangs from hell. It was the time when you pulled half of your bangs up and sprayed the shit out of them so they would stay standin up straight and the other half would be combed down over your forehead in little "wispys".

I can't believe I thought it looked good.

Cameron said...

I'm thinking you should grow the pseudo bowl-shaped mullet back. My reason - carrying around that much hair has got to be a workout in and of itself. I'll bet you'd burn hundreds of calories just keeping your head up. ;)

Tuesday Girl said...

I have some fashion faux pas in my life my I thank goodness a mullet was never one.

Mama Dawg said...

FAIL on the time travel. Sorry, chickadee.

My eyebrows could rival yours. And I still have the same eyebrows. I'm to lazy to shape 'em.

Heinous said...

Wow, I am really off my game recently. Jen never read the comments way down here.

Anyway, I went back in time to try to stop you from the mullet (since your attempt obviously didn't work) but got sidetracked by a hot puck rock girl because that's how I rolled back then. Sorry about that.

jen said...

can we be work out buddies ... time travel wise? 'cause i'm assuming if we could time travel then you can come up to mn to pick me up first...right?
and can i just send people to read your hasay update. cause mine is gonna suck AND not be funny.

ChurchPunkMom said...

i'm with jeremy on this one... time travel is a very serious matter. ;)

HeatherPride said...

Even with the mullet, your seventh grade self kicks my seventh grade self's butt.

Michele said...

You can get those arms in 12 weeks. Of course you'll be a wreck of your former self.

I feel for you on that whole mullet hairstyle. I went for the spiral perm. 18 months is about the same amount of time that I suffered.

beth said...

Get those arms really toned so that you can wrestle the remote control from your husband the next time he subjects you to a manly-man movie like the Terminator!

Debbie said...

I've never watched Terminator. I believe this might be why I continue to struggle with my weight.

Aha!

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Honey, I think you look cute in that picture. It was the 80's. Everyone had that mullety bangs thing happening. I didn't start seriously tweezing until after high school. And then I tweezed way too much for a while and veered dangerously close to looking like my demented grandma.

Time travel is awesome. And Linda Hamilton looked badass in that movie.

The weird thing? We ate nachos all day on Sunday too. I must have microwaved ten plates of Tostitos with cheese grated on top.

And please tell Jeremy, "Whatevs." The Lake House could so totally happen. In fact, I'm going to go get one of those old fashioned mailboxes that you put on a stick in your front yard and start checking it. The mailman won't put any mail in it, but maybe Keanu will. ;)

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Oh, and, 33rd bitches!!! And 34th.

for a different kind of girl said...

1. I love The Terminator and all Terminator related sequels, pinball machines, computer games, television shows.
2. I get easily confused every time I watch The Terminator. It annoys Tool Man because he has to always pause the action and explain it to me. Aaaa-gain!
3. I watched The Terminator on cable a couple weeks ago without Tool Man so I could "get it" and be all "Aha!" and then impress him with my Skynet prowess the next time we watch The Terminator.

(sidebar - I have Regis and Kelly on right now and Kelly (swoon) just made a joke and said the word Toyminator! Spooky!)

4. Here's basically what I learned while watching The Terminator again. The plot is basically Dark, Fire, Chase, Shoot, Shoot, Shoot, Chase, Sex, Shoot, Drive, Shoot, Drive.
5. Now, when I want to seduce Tool Man, I say this: "I have come from the future to have sex with you and perhaps, but quite unlikely, carry your child, who will lead an army organized to destroy the machines." You'd be surprised how many times this works.
6. I love the photo! I love how every photo of those of us who survived that era includes one where it appears we are holding our heads in place. Or getting engaged to our sister. Yeah. Um.

As always, I adore you! Thank you for the hilarious card!

Cat said...

In his defense, The Lake House is a terrible movie. In your defense, the hairstyle was popular. Ok, no. There's no defense for what you did to your poor head. Shame on you.

Pamela said...

Wow. That's SOME HAIR.

April said...

at least you're looking out for yourself!

GreenJello said...

You hairstyle was so TOTALLY 80's man! Wow. Flashbacks.

Miss Grace said...

I know you're not one to make excuses, but that was a pretty good list.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Number 40. Yup. I'm buried all the way down here.
Can you see me? HEELLLLOOOO!!!!
Anybody? *Crickets*

Cat said...

oh, and WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE USE OF ALL CAPS!

gingela5 said...

haha...wow, that's bad. no offense or anything. haha Linda Hamilton did have some AMAZING arms. I don't even have excuses for not working out--so you're farther along than I am on this whole losing weight thing!

Ali said...

My sister had the mullet while I had the cute bob. She was a popular cheerleader though and was a wallflower trying to learn guitar. Trade offs ya know.

Jenni Jiggety said...

I can tell by the way you are clawing at your face in that pic that you did, in fact, have a visit from your 2008 self. Probably just moments before that photo was taken...

Rhea said...

Your future self flattened your past self's tires?! Damn, you confuse me!

Wendy said...

Um, I'm speachless. My mind is still circling the Lake House plot and The Terminator plot and trying to mix the two of them.

So good luck with it this week!

Jonny's Mommy said...

Yeah, I did awful too and had no revelations about anything which is even more sad. Actually I did have a revelation -- periods suck and I totally blame Eve for it. And when I get to heaven and see her I am going to smack her really hard across the face.

Robin said...

Oh, this makes me laugh! I totally did the mullet too but... wait for it... I kept it through high school. Oh yes I did! I not only rocked it, I sold it out AND then did the come-back tour. Sort of like Elton John going all soft-rock and Disney and shit. So sad! I still get crap for it today. :)
Bravo for outing yourself!

mrsbear said...

I so want Sarah Connor's arms. I want to be able to cock a shotgun one handed, in preparation for the zombie apocalypse of course. You were adorable btw, crizazy mullet and all.

Laufa said...

I did the same thing except I have straight hair and I had lightning bolts in the side of my head. My Mom was so mad at the hair stylist that she didn't pay, grabbed my arm and stormed out of the salon. It took a long time for that hair to grow back normal, good thing I got it cut in the summer. I don't think I have any pics, my Mom was too embarrassed.

Leslie said...

Hey Jen - nice "do". Hey I just discovered the HASAY club - can I join late? It sounds like just the thing I need :)

And yes, you can have one of my kids - one has a stomach bug and one has a really nasty cold - which one would you like?
Anyway, thanks for visiting my lame--ass little blog - stalk you later too!

JuleeSLC said...

Your feathered hair (party in the front) is a triumph. And I love the brows.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

That is hilarious! I love the hair, which suspiciously looks a lot like hair I had back in the day. The goal was always to get the bangs AS HIGH as you could get them while the main of hair on the bottom flowed around your shoulders, properly crimped.

Ah, the good old days...

Carolyn...Online said...

I think the fact that you feathered the business end of the mullet made it super fancy.

Maggie May said...

i think your eyebrows were awesome. i looove thick dark eyebrows ala Brooke Shields. the hair....
it's big. and...hairy. yup, a lot of hair there.

i love your idea at the end- that you wen t back and slashed your tires. ha!

Colepack said...

A good friend's hubby is a contactor and did work on Linda H's home in California and here in Nokomis.
He stated she is hot from the neck down but has not aged well.

Katie said...

I am lovin' the hair! And I think having to hold the plate with all that extra cheese had to be a bit of a workout. Keep up the good work!

anymommy said...

Oh, did I ever have that hair. Can you please travel back and stop me?

Seriously Mama said...

Sixty-ith! ;-)

Girl, I had the same hair too. It was the 80's and a mullet was all about business in the front and party in the back!

Bex said...

1. i like to number my thoughts

2. pull ups are SO good for your body! - allegedly i'm an expert, so take my word for it.

3. when i read your posts about you and your husband - i read them in the voices of pam and jim from The Office.

Vodka Mom said...

I am so damned far behind!!! First, I LOVE The terminator. Kyle Reese just kicks ass. Second, I DID make it to the gym each morning this past week at 5:30 a.m. However, when you eat a large bag of Middleswarth chips; 100 pieces of toast and most of The Golden Boys halloween candy remnants, it pretty much negates the damn workouts. dammit!!!!

Vodka Mom said...

but I will try again tomorrow.......

apathy lounge said...

I, too, have suffered from the envy that comes after viewing Sarah Connor's arms...though I hated the rest of the movie. Can I offer a suggestion? Yoga. It's been said that yoga is the cheater's way to get women to do pushups. How true! Start with ten or twenty "chatarangas" and hit the gym on the next day and you'll be on your way. That hair...what does it remind me of?

Khadra said...

I liked the lake house but I dont think I can get on board with the time travel thing.

No mullets here, just dye jobs gone bad galore!

Wayfaring Wanderer said...

2. I'm thinking that time travel may be counted as my cardio workout. (Let me know if this works out, I need a new regimen)
3. Mullets are never a good idea. (I had one when I was 10, I still have nightmares about it)


I love your sense of humor. I think I stumbled here from greenjello.

Krystal said...

I just figured out our age difference! you were 13 when I was 1!!! OMG!!!

Tina said...

I feel so old. In 1984 I was a new mom with a fresh "mom cut". If I could travel back in time, I'd go to 1978 when I had an enviable bod and tell myself to lay off the cookies because someday I'd pay for each and every one...

jori-o said...

You know what's disturbing? Looking through the Sunday ads this last week, I saw a guy modeling whatever jeans are on sale and HOMEBOY WAS SPORTIN' A MULLET! Puh-LEASE for the love of all that is sacred and holy do not let THAT 80's fashion come back. STOP THE INSANITY!!

Jennifer said...

So now that your mom realizes you are (were?... see time travel is too damn confusing!) the tire flattening culprit, are you grounded?

King of New York Hacks said...

Mullets Unite !!! This is why there are problems in the world, the disappearing mullets can be the only answer. I 'll let you know when I get back from the year 2025

bernthis said...

I had a haircut that I will never forget and God knows I want to. Perhaps you can back two heavy bags of cookies and use them as barbells right before eating.

Lola said...

Mullets are NEVER a good idea, but all I could see were the eyebrows. Oh, the Pretty Baby flashbacks that caused ;)

I hate to tell you, but if you really want Terminator arms and shoulders, push-ups are the way to go. Sad and painfully true...

jerlyn said...

The 7th grade mullett, ah well,
it's behind u, anyway you were
beautiful then, same as now.
As for time travel, have u just
found out that men have a warped
idea of time warp. My man finds
any show with "feeling" offputting.
But he'll scream in agony at a
missed pass in a B.C. Lions
football game, or yell that the
person who walked into the dark room looking for a killer "deserved to die!"
Ah men, hard to live with, harder
to kill.
l (told you your new family was scary!)
ps Jellybeans are a health food
i purchase them in bulk under
the title "stress tabs."

jeweledrabbit said...

Pffft, you're an amateur with your mullet. I lived through the bad-perm era in the late 70s and had one myself, so your mullet doesn't impress me at all.

shopgirl said...

Ok so I'm soooo on the money with commenting - what, I'm 76th? What's wrong with that!!
First off, 76 comments sister - you are my hero. Oh wait - I just saw the hair do - ha ha!!

Hmmm... if you only had a "bow" right on top of your head - then, you'd be like, oh my god, so totally cool!

Seriously sister - I give you major "snaps" for being so brave to post your 7th grade picture - I'm pretty sure I've burned all evidence of mine.

Zip n Tizzy said...

Ha!
I would definitely thwart the unsuccesful spiral perm that I spent the better part of 8th grade gelling back into an austere slick helmet that ended in a giant pom-pom pony tail.
Now I have the bob.

Bee said...

I think you look great! What is it with men and their old toys? My brothers say the same thing!

I try not to think about the time travel continuum thingy because then my head will shrink.

Ringleader said...

Uhm- I believe in 1984 they were referred to as "Bi-Levels"... much more chic than a mullet, especially if the permed party in the back was worn in the crunchy wet look style achieved by generously applying mousse to wet hair and allowing it to air dry. Mine took until spring of 84 to grow out enough to cut into that stylish chin-length bob, which was quickly replaced a year later by a spiral perm and satellite dish bangs-