November 4, 2008

Crime Spree on Speed Dial UPDATED

**UPDATE**
Mother of Steenky Bee phone me at lunch laughing hysterically. She asked me over and over to tell her this wasn't true. I told her that, yes, this tale is true. She then called me several times to ask me how to print out this sheet. I warned her that if she showed my dad that I would tattle on her. Guess where she was this morning around 9:00 am? Would you believe, the mall? True story.

Also, as a follow up, Krisann and I did get our phone back. As a matter of fact, she mailed it to me in 1995 as a Christmas gift. In 1996, she phoned me and told me to turn on my television to channel 4 local news. Last word on Benji? He is parking cars in Vegas.

Good morning (of afternoon). Let me give a shout out to one of my best girls: Heather over at Riding the Short Bus is celebrating her birthday today. Please give her much love!!! Happy Birthday, Heather! Mwah!

Now.....
Miss Grace's Disgrace tagged me in a meme last week where I am supposed to list a few unspectacular things about myself. But, I'm not going to play by the rules. I'm taking this meme law and breaking it wide open, you hear? This won't be the first time I've broken the law either. Instead of seven random things, I'm telling you one whopper of a secret about my first and only brush with the law.

Now, before I continue, I must preface that my parents have no idea that any of this ever went down. I’ve managed to keep this ordeal a secret from them for over 16 years. I've never kept any secrets from them, save this doozy. Many other people know about my sordid past; my in-laws, my friends, even my bosses know. But my parents have no idea that their daughter may not be so squeaky clean after all.

Let me also point out that my mom checks my blog and then prints out pages for my dad to read. To make sure she doesn’t rat me out to him, I’m going to spill a little secret of hers too. (Aren’t I the nicest daughter, like ever?) Mom has been sneaking off several times a month to do some heavy retail therapy while dad thinks she's at work. So there you go mom, all those times you’ve called me while you’re running around in that mall, little did you know that I was saving this information to use as leverage. You taught me well.

So, rewind with me, if you will, to 1992. It was my junior year at college. It was the year that I had the best bunch of roommates. One of them, Brandi, had been carrying on a friends-with-benefits relationship with Benji, a star linebacker on our football team. Benji would call our apartment at all hours of the night looking for his hook up with Brandi. If me or my other roommate, Krisann, picked up the phone he would simply hang up. We knew it was Benji, even though we didn’t have caller i.d. Had caller idea even been invented yet? I'm not sure. As a matter of fact, I think cell phones were a luxury back then too. They were those large brick looking contraptions that weighed a good 7 lbs. As starving students, the only phone we had in the entire apartment was a flaming red, rotary dial phone that we dubbed “the presidential” phone.

Anyway, Benji phoned our apartment frequently in 1991-1992. Whenever he called and hung up, Krisann and I would just dial him right back and hang up on him. It became sort of a little joke between all of us. We passed those prank calls back and forth so often that we could dial his number on that rotary phone in the dark.

Like all things that spoil so very easily, Brandi and Benji’s relationship ended on a sour note. I guess the deductible on the old “benefits package” was tapped out. However, even after their split, for some reason, the phone hang ups were traded back and forth between apartments.

It’s important to tell you that I went to university in a smaller town near the Utah/Nevada boarder. A great deal of our athletes came from high schools in Las Vegas. Now, I’m sure you don’t have to imagine too hard to know that Utah is a predominantly white state, especially Southern Utah. The influx of most of the athletes from Las Vegas were African American, Benji being one of those.The police department in this small college town was highly suspicious of the Nevada athletes. I’d heard rumors that they tracked and even followed some of them, but at the time blew it off as heresay.

It was at the end of spring semester when the frequency of Benji’s calls increased. One particular Friday night he drunk dialed Brandi several times. The calls were out of control. I mean, can't two college girls stay home to watch a Christian Slater movie fest in peace? (Heathers was like the best movie ever!) The next time Benji called we tricked him and told him that Brandi wanted to meet him under a freeway overpass just ten miles outside of town and she was already there waiting for him. When we hung up and Krisann and I did a little jig in honor of what we thought was our complete coolness. In our minds, we had reached the epitome of awesomeness. The fact that we were home bound and dateless on a Friday night never even occurred to us.

The next Monday at school, rumors were flying that Benji had been arrested over the weekend for marijuana possession with intent to distribute. I wasn’t surprised. I was suprised, however, when two uniformed police officers entered my Russian History class and pulled me out for questioning in connection with Benji’s arrest. It seemed that once Benji got himself thrown in jail, they presented him with stacks of phone transcripts detailing all the calls that he had made over the past twelve months. The Feds were particularly interested in all the calls to our apartment. Benji lawyered up pretty fast and insisted that somehow Krisann and I set him up for his bust.

I was escorted to a cop car and hauled off to the police station in front of everyone. There were no handcuffs, but there was a plexi-glass window and my Miranda Rights. I was terrified. Was I arrested? Was I going to do hard time? Who would I use my one phone call to contact? Was I going to have to wear an orange jump suit? The officers could tell I was visibly upset. Why wouldn't I be? Orange was the most diffiult color to accessorize.

Krisann was already at the station when I arrived. She was sitting on a bench bawling uncontrollably. I nudged her and asked her, “Whacha in for?” We made a pact right there in the waiting room, that I would be her “bitch” in prison and if one of us broke out first, they would come back for the other one.

I was nervous when it became my turn for questioning. I mean, if there was one of those one-way mirror thingys in the interrogation room, should I wave and acknowledge someone was behind it? I was sort of hoping that at some point during my interview that one of the officers would slam his fist down on the table and shout, “Are we going to have to do this the hard way? I need answers now!” just like they did in the movies.

But that never happend. My iterrogation with the arresting officer was pretty anticlimactic. In fact, I've had visits with a loan officer that were more dramatic. I was seated in a fairly comfy chair, given all the lemonade I could drink and even got in on a Subway sandwich order that was going around. I'm not kidding. The police in that town were downright folksy with me and Krisann. Little did we know at the time, all that hospitality was part of the whole good cop/bad cop routine. I was just beginning to settle in, when the Federal Officer showed up. When I saw him I immediately stood up and shouted, “I’ve got a wire on me, you should be warned!” That’s when they turned the heat up on old Jenbo.

The agent strutted over and sat on the desk in front of me. He held our red rotary dial phone in his lap. “I have over 300 phone calls follwed up by instant hang ups between you, your roommate and Benji over the past nine months. We’ve gathered up your class schedules and work timecards. I have personally been tracking your whereabouts for over six weeks,” the FBI agent declaired. “Are the hang ups some sort of code for drug related activity? Are you helping Benji sell drugs to students? What’s wrong with your hair, is it always that nappy?”

I was fine with the line of questioning until the agent brought my hair into the mix. That comment was a little personal and definitely below the belt. Also, a few things were weighing heavy on my mind. How did this agent get our rotary phone? Why did he have our phone? And why was there mayo on my Subway Club when I specifically told the officer, "hold the mayo." I thought, given the circumstances, I would let that one slide.

The FBI agent announced that he had been following Krisann, Brandi and me for weeks. They had our phone lines tapped and had been listening in on every conversation for over three months. They sat outside my work and sometimes came in to scope out what I was doing there. They had even followed us from class to class just because of a few little phone calls. Well, alright, a few hundred phone calls.

After about two hours, the agent could see that Krisann and I were clueless. I imagine he felt a little sorry for us since, as part of our alibys, we admitted that we each spent an unhealthy amount of time watching Heathers over and over. I wouldn't be surprised if his official report mentioned that we were just two dumb twenty-somethings with an unhealthy obsession with Christian Slater.

The agent found Krisann and I innocent of any Federal charges, however, we were charged, at the insistance of Benji by the local law enforcement for phone abuse. Yes, phone abuse, a Class B Misdemeanor. We were booked, fingerprinted, photographed and then released. Krisann looked at me and shrugged, “Well, at least we got a free sandwich out of the deal, huh?”

Krisann and I pled guilty two weeks later in court. The judge, along with everyone else in court, snickered at us when she sentenced us to 100 hours of community service. She even made the comment that she didn’t think in all her years on the bench she had even heard of phone abuse. When we reported to a nursing home to fufill our service hours, we were told that due to our charges, we would not be allowed to answer any phones, or even be in any rooms alone with a phone. The director couldn’t even get that last part out without breaking down and laughing at us.

So Krisann and I spent that summer at the nursing home, playing checkers with and taking the elderly on walks. We fixed their hair, painted their nails and even ran a few errands for them. However, if any of them needed help making a phone call, we had to call the director to come down and actually dial the phone for us. Yeah, for reals.

So, good people, I guess you can consider old Steenky a hardened criminal. If you didn't get enough of this brush with the law, then contact me and I'll tell you about the time my boyfriend used my car (without my knowledge) to steal beer. Better yet, why don't you give me your phone number and I'll call you. Over and over.

111 comments:

DeeMarie said...

FIRST!!!! WOO HOO!!! Back to read it now. :)

DeeMarie said...

I can't believe I'm friends with a hardened criminal. I really can't believe they put mayo on your sandwich. :) I believe the whole phone abuse could've been a sign that you'd eventually turn into a blog stalker. I see the similarities. Oh, and I fully intend to give you my number, and I give you permission to call me anytime!!

Vodka Mom said...

OMG!! That was a great, great story. holy crap.

Casey said...

I think I always knew in my heart that you were hiding some sort of deep secret from your past. Thanks for letting us in on the secret and now give me twenty laps for that mayo you had on your Subway sandwich.

Seriously Mama said...

I feel ya sista. My story is very similiar but mine involves a call from jail to my parents...

Sherendipity said...

Why the hell doesn't Christian Slater age?

muskrat said...

that is awesome. i wish my arrests were so innocuous. but, they weren't.

Laufa said...

Figures, the fun ones always have skeletons in their closets. Was Benji really a drug dealer?

Mama Dawg said...

You know, they totally violated your rights when they put mayo on your sandwich. You should sue. I don't think there's a statute of limitations on that. Just sayin'.

Jenni said...

this totally explains all the Utah area codes coming up on my caller idea. STOP CALLING ME, HOOKER!

steenky bee said...

Folks, everything in this story is true with the exception of me claiming to be wired. Benji ended up doing 18 months in Prison. Last I heard, he was parking cars in Vegas. Krisann and I got our phone back from the Feds. She mailed it to me as a Christmas present years later. Ah, college!

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Oh dear. Don't you wish you'd been a little more, um, criminal, to warrant (!) all that survailance? Glad the old folks got manicures, at least.

Ellie

Michele said...

At least you would have had your prison bitch all lined up ahead of time. I hear that whole process is uncomfortable in the extreme.

And mayo? What were they thinking?

Sprite's Keeper said...

You just let us in on a difficult time of your life, a time when your future may have involved learning to make things like shivs and laundering mass quantities of prison issued undies, and the only thing I can't believe is... You took Russian History? Dude!

Sammanthia said...

I'm sure lots of people in jail would have been thrilled to call you "hooker". Now you just have to make do with us.... HOOKER!

Cameron said...

I always wondered why you sob uncontrollably at the sight of a rotary phone. Well, well, you little jailbird you. You being the bitch, that's a given, don't ya think? I mean come on, you just don't have it in you to be the butch. And phone abuse?!?!? My wife abuses the phone every day. Somebody oughta put the smack down on her.

Katie said...

When you mentioned 'Heathers', I was pretty sure you were gonna set up Benji to find one of you hanging from a ceiling fan. I love that movie!

As I started to read this I was thinking I should tell you about the time I was hauled out of marching band practice in handcuffs while balancing a saxophone or the time I was escorted out of a local "gentleman's club" for unruly behavior. Then I realized that those stories pale in comparison.

You are my hero, Steenky Bee!

Kat@MotherFonker said...

wow, phone abuse.

this is like a b-movie storyline.

oh yeah, it IS a steenkybee-movie storyline.

Colepack said...

Only you. I am thnking this could only happned to you.
Feds...... I would have soiled my pants when they walked in.

goodfather said...

LOL! Hopefully they got your poor phone into a battered rotary phone shelter. Or got it some rotary phone counseling. Great story, heheh. I love it when the cops decide you're guilty, and then have to come up with SOMETHING to charge you for.

Heinous said...

Nice, calling out your mom, this is why you deserve the VP slot on the blogger ticket.

I love "Heathers!" How could you not? I think the blogger version of the movie would have to be called, "Jens" though.

If I ever need tips on how to deal with the federales I know who to turn to first.

I hope there's no 'comment abuse' law out there.

Debbie said...

Give you my number? Yikes!!!!!!

Robin said...

I love how you vowed to be each other's bitches. Now THAT's true friendship.
Whoops, gotta go, my phone is ringing. Wait it stopped. No, there it is again.
Steenky, is that you? Geez! You could freaking say hello, you know! :)

ali said...

It could have been worse. Imagine if your sub had brown mustard on it. Ugh!

Ms. PH said...

See, I thought with all the telephone abuse it was going to be making crank calls to 911 over and over from your babysitter's house and giggling and hanging up. 'Cause that's what happened to me.

You know what happens when you crank call 911 and giggle and hang up? They send the law to your babysitter's house and confront you and then take you for a little ride in the back of the squad car.

Let's just say, I'll never do that again.

Simply AnonyMom said...

hehehe. I am cracking up on my couch. Hubby is lookng over wondering why I am laughing and I am shaking my head saying "It's a blog thing...you wouldn't understand"

HeatherPride said...

Oh my gosh, that is the most hilarious story of booty calls gone wrong I have ever heard!!! Fabulous!!

Thanks for the b-day shout out!

Where can I find your mug shot? Because I think you should use that as your profile pic!!

jori-o said...

HAHAHA! I can attest to the shady Vegas high school boys! And wow! You've got a record!

I'm still laughing!

for a different kind of girl said...

Do you know what I see in our future? That's exactly right! Prison chick flick! WOO HOO! Let's go get prison tats and learn how to shank people. I love to say the word 'shank'. Shank, shank, shank!

Pamela said...

That is the lamest conviction ever. And anybody'd be your bitch if you wore an orange jumpsuit.

GreenJello said...

I knew there was more to the backstory of why you aren't a Molly. Sweet!

Shan said...

bahaha, love that you outed your mom prior to your story, totally proper thing to do. I would do the same in a heart beat, my mom already knows my sordid past though... minus me getting busted with a senior boy doing 100 on a country road, then gettin lit up by the state popo. (I was a freshman, I didnt know any better)He drove into a farm and shut off the lights behind some silos. Problem was the farmer called the police upon hearing us drive up. We would have gotten away with it, had it not been for that meddling farmer and his mooey cows....
As always thanks for the laugh. Glad you got the phone back too, it will live to be abused again another day.

miko564 said...

As a former member of Law Enforcement, I suppose I can finally reveal one of the secret techniques we use.

"When subject orders sandwich, and asks officers to "hold" an item, ALWAYS order sandwich with that item, and if possible, ask for Xtra. In lieu of a sandwich, personnel may put extra sugar in a coffee if the subject asks for coffee with no sugar, OR, officer may bring a "regular" soda if subject asks for Diet."

That's right, that my friends is how we roll...bad cop style. (Don't tell anyone I told you.)

blissfullycaffeinated said...

You are such a badass. And Heathers is a GREAT movie. I literally wore out my VHS copy of it. The poor thing just wouldn't play anymore.

This is an awesome story. And you did get a free Subway sandwich, can't bet that with a stick.

If you do ever end up in the pokey, don't forget, I'll be the one who will smuggle in the spoon and the Christian Slater poster to hide your tunnel.

xo

Chris Wood said...

To think Johnny Cash used to play gigs for hardened badasses like yourself!

That's too unfair. Community service for a harmless prank? AND they deliberately plied you with mayonnaise to make you talk!

The fiends!

Jess said...

MUHAHAHAHA! That is the most fantastic story EVER! I have always wanted to get arrested for something so crazy stupid and I think this totally trumps my peeing in public while holding onto a tree idea.

Kat said...

OMG I knew we were meant to be friends. Heathers is like the best movie ever...ok that and a couple others which also take the cake in the category of "movies a lot of people done 'get'"

Khadra said...

Im so ashamed to say I know you.
sigh....

Elle Charlie said...

Wow, you've had quite a shady past! I wish I had an arrest story! You're lucky.

Heather said...

Hee...You know that I KNOW exactly what college you went to! I lived "there" for 13 effing years. I'm surprised that they didn't charge you for watching a rated R movie.

Rebekah said...

Holy Miscreants! I feel sick from laughing. Do you ever worry that the Feds keep tabs on you now, Phone Abuser?

Captain Dumbass said...

You know our love was meant to be
The kind of love that lasts forever
And I need you here with me
From tonight until the end of time

You should know, everywhere I go
You're always on my mind,
in my heart In my soul

You're the meaning in my life
You're the inspiration
You bring feeling to my life
You're the inspiration
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin'
No one needs you more than I need you

And I know, yes I know that it's plain to see
We're so in love when we're together
And I know that I need you here with me
From tonight until the end of time

You should know, everywhere I go
You're always on my mind,
in my heart In my soul

You're the meaning in my life
You're the inspiration
You bring feeling to my life
You're the inspiration
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin'
No one needs you more than I need you

gingela5 said...

Wow---I would give anything to have a story like that to tell. Unless there are agents watching over me at this very instant. Maybe they tapped my laptop--if so then I'm sorry I'm taking you down with me.

Jennifer said...

Phone abuse?? It's a wonder I haven't been sent away for that!!

steenky bee said...

Captain Dumbass, I am truly touched and a little bit nervous. This is the second song serenade that I've received. One was the Golden Girl's song and then this one. Aw, this takes me back to that July day so many months ago. I hope you're listening to you Peter Cetera CD right now...... Or, maybe watching Karate Kid. Whatever you want.

Rebekah said...

I just read my blog and realized I owe you a few more comments for the sake of...comment-pumping. So, fellow sister Utahn, did you know we were in college cooing over Christian Slater at the same exact time!?!? Squeee!

Except I wasn't down in bordertown botching booty calls, but up in Vatican Lake City, egging bad boyfriend's cars and getting pulled over for it. It's like we're lame-o conjoined twins without the pesky shared liver! Double Squee!

Cameron said...

Best line in Heathers:

"I love my dead gay son."

Tuesday Girl said...

Wow, I knew I saw your picture in the post office before!

Orange really does suck.

Tina said...

You are baaadddd! I'm proud to know you...

Cat said...

This is, by far, the most ridiculously hilarious story I have ever heard IN my entire life. Add to your list of crimes that you made me piss myself at work. Dude. I guess the moral of the story is NEVER SCREW GUYS NAMED AFTER FAMOUS DOGS. Never let your friends do so either.

Cat said...

OH! And BTW? There's a special place in hell for those who rat out their mothers. I'll totally save you a seat.

Paige said...

It always makes me feel better to have reminders that us grown up folks used to be kind of bad asses---emphasis on the "kind of".

Great story---someday I shall blog about my bad behavior

HeatherPride said...

Cameron busted out the "dead gay son" line!!!! I totally almost busted that one out over the weekend, but I figured no one would know the reference and instead they would think my kid was gay. Or that I hate gay people. (In reality I heart gay people) (not in a gay way)

Jennifer said...

Steenky,
Hi! I'm a fellow (non-mommy, LOL)blogger of Cameron, Katie and PH.
Now you need to post a follow-up. How did your parents respond? Did your mom freak out about you outing her?
Jennifer

Tara said...

Gasp, you dark horse you!
Utterly brilliant story.
Kudos for ratting your mum out too.

Miss Grace said...

Good enough for me!

And fantastic story, of course.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Heinous: When does the blogger movie version of "Jens" commence production? And will the filming interfere with my duties as Refreshment Committee Coordinator?

Tracy Lynn said...

NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Tracy Lynn said...

And also, you totally know what popped into my head when you said "phone abuse".

JuleeSLC said...

AHHHHH!!! It's not a secret anymore.

JuleeSLC said...

Were names changed to protect the innocent (or not so innocent)?

Momma Trish said...

You are a vile offender. Vile, I say. (*Snort*!!) This is hilarious!!

Poor Benji was clearly ticked that you messed with his booty call. But I think pressing criminal charges might have been a tad over the top. You think?

I knew a guy who was arrested and held overnight in a prison cell on a warrant for failing to show up for a court appearance after he'd pled not guilty to not paying to ride the subway. I laughed openly at him.

"What're you in for?"
"Misuse of public transit."

Hilarious!!

mommypie said...

Okay, so I DID want my MP to grow up and marry your Henry some day, but now ... I TOTALLY WANT TO BE IN YOUR FAMILY.

That's about the best crime story ever. You've inspired me to maybe write about my own college law-breakery.

Krystal said...

Mkay - I feel left out - you have my number and don't stalk me on the phone!! :-(

Okay, I'm over it - I love hardened criminals, they make the best of friends!!

Heinous said...

I love your mom now.

Jamie said...

First let me say that I would have totally been first if I would have time to post right after I read this. I read it before I left for work... so I was first in spirit.

Second - I didn't think they had criminals in Utah.... Seriously, no idea and I don't know what to do with this new found out information.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Wow! I read a blog written by a felon! I feel so dangerous...
So were you allowed to vote or no because of your criminal record? Also? Is your current long distance provider aware of your phone abusing past?

apathy lounge said...

Well...you won't need to call me over and over because--REMEMBER??--you promised to move to my state and be my neighbor. YOU PROMISED!!!You really know how to live on the edge!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Oh my God, That. Was. Hilarious. I cannot believe you were charged with PHONE ABUSE!!!!!

I also loved Heathers, watched it over and over and had it completely memorized to spew quotes with my friends every day.

Well, now that I know you are a hardened criminal, I like you even more.

Casey said...

WOOOOOOHOOOOO Obama Mama!!!! Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I can't stop yelling in your comments!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Holy flippin shit! 70!?

What's a friend with benefits? Like insurance benefits?

Heathers was the best?
Try Gleaming the Cube!

My phone number is
1-555-5biteme

Later nappy!

King of New York Hacks said...

Phone abuse is much worse than morse code abuse which you really do hard time for. LOL

shopgirl said...

OMG! I think we would have been GOO-OOD friends in college - or jail - whichever! Great Story!! OMG - the booty calls - HOW did we do that without Cell phones - can you even IMAGINE what it's like NOW?? Thanks for the LAUGH OUT LOUD story - once again!

mongoliangirl said...

Girl! You KNOW we're all about the rap sheet over at The Cusp. This has solidified your place on my blogroll forEVER!
I'm thinking I will make you a shank out of old newspapers and hardened toothpaste for Christmas.

Tricia said...

I'm going to be laughing about this for the rest of the day. Ahhh...college.

And your mom, was the threat enough to keep her from hitting the print button and sharing with dad? Do tell.

gingela5 said...

Great update--good to hear Benji is doing well for himself...:)

blissfullycaffeinated said...

I so love your mother. She really is my kind of woman.

Jonny's Mommy said...

Seriously...I'm reading a blog by a drug dealer?

I am. so. cool.

Yeah!

jen said...

so funny.
and 79th suckas.
(but i first read somewhere around the 20s.)
but i have two young children and at the time...they were exploring somewhere they shouldn't have been. i had to make a sacrifice.

Wicked Step Mom said...

OMG!!! Phone abuse! That is awesome! The fact that they had been following you guys and they didn't know that you were clueless really says something about them. I am not sure what that something is. But it is something.. ::coughs:: dummies! ::coughs::

P.s. - I hate mayo too. Especially after reading The Gunslinger series by Stephen King. All I have to say is YUCK!

MammaDucky said...

I was convicted of "phone abuse" but it was something ENTIRELY different. Wait, did I just say that outloud?! You never heard that...

Elle Charlie said...

Thanks for the update!

beth said...

I think that it's kind of cute that your Mom prints a copy of your blog to your Dad.

DeeMarie said...

Hi friend. That's it.

Tracy said...

Oh, that was better than any seven random things you could have ever thought of!
I had no idea there was such a thing as "phone abuse"! I was a teenager in the early 90's and I can't tell you how many slumber parties I went to or how many prank phone calls we made.
Hey, maybe I'm "on the lamb" (isn't that what they call it when they're running from the police?)
Oh yeah, you are soooo cool!

Lynette said...

OMG I am lauging so hard right now....so I wonder, did they tape this for an episode of COPS? LOL

The Stiletto Mom said...

Good Lord what I miss when I'm sick and don't stalk properly! I love that you threatened your mom (Hi Mom!!). That story was one of your besty bests!!

anita doberman said...

Awesome!
Hey, my cousin back in Italy who used to baby sit me and my sister (we grew up in Rome) made lots of prank calls from my house and the "carabinieri" - our Italian police in charge came over our house.
She cooked them some pasta and gave them some wine and they asked her out! She didn't get a sandwich but a date for phone abuse, a very serious charge she was told!
Ciao
Anita

Ann said...

Oh,
you're one of "those" girls.
Ooooohhhh!

Lola said...

I always knew you were trouble!

Heathers is at the top of my fave list, too.

Lisa said...

ME BLOG???

didnt I read this um??? yesterday?

C'mon. Beat my puke story. I dare you ;)

Saucy said...

Best. Story. Ever.

mrsbear said...

Seriously, phone abuse?! You know that's one of those gateway crimes, after that you can get hooked on all means of communication devices. You're dangerous. Great story. I once sped through a toll booth without paying...I don't like to talk about it, it was very traumatic.

Bee said...

That was hilarious Jen!
I was once caught shoplifting (I was 11) and had almost got thrown in the clink cuz of my mouth, see. But I talked my way out of it.

BTW, I had taken about $10 in chocolate. Yup.

Captain Dumbass said...

Nothing. Just stalking.

Captain Dumbass said...

Hmm, and now that I'm here... might as well rest my feet for a few minutes.

Captain Dumbass said...

I've had far too much wine tonight. I'd better get Supreme Leader to proof the post I just wrote. Drunken posting is probably not a good idea.

Captain Dumbass said...

97? You know I can't stop here. You know what I'm reaching for?

Captain Dumbass said...

98. Ninety-eight. Can you believe that? Can't leave you that close to such a big number.

Captain Dumbass said...

And if anybody happens to be reading your blog right now and comments the magic number... swear to god I'll hunt them down.

Captain Dumbass said...

MINE! SCREW FIRST OR SECOND OR TOP FIVE!!! I'VE GOT 100!!! OOONNNEE HHUUNNDDRREEDD!!!!!!

Carolyn...Online said...

SUCH a great story! And there's no such thing as an "unheathy" obsession regarding Christian Slater in the Heathers years.

Captain Dumbass said...

Whatever, Caroline...online, I'm getting the last word here.

DeeMarie said...

Captain- You have too much time on your hands. From the commenter who was FIRST!!

Deb said...

That may just be one of the funniest stories I've ever read. Seriously. But I have to ask - did the Federal agent REALLY ask about your hair?

This reminds me of the time my sister & I were mistaken for drug lords in a small NJ town on the banks of the Delaware River.

Good times.

Rhea said...

No way. That's the most hilarious story I've ever read. You've got to be kidding. PHONE ABUSE?!!

Red Cup Mom said...

No wonder why the gov't has a trillions in debt. They spend time and money spying on college girls. I bet they were checking out other things than just your phone records. Didn't your fingers get tired of dialing?

No top secret clearance for you!

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Hello? Look at all these comments. I'm giving you a new nickname: Sbooce. Because that mythical creature should be warned. The Steenk is knockin' on her back door.

Miss Jack said...

Oh, too funny! I'm so glad I went back and read all your old posts. Hope you're feeling better...

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

Oh my gosh, this was HILARIOUS! You are hilarious! I wish I'd been your roommate in college!

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