October 9, 2008

The Spin Cycle: Unorthodox Therapy Sessions

This week’s Spin Cycle, hosted by The Amazing Sprite’s Keeper is Anger Management. I must admit, I rolled this topic around in my head for a while. Not wanting to burden everyone out there with a long list of my anger issues, I did what any sensible person would do. I secretly dipped into our savings, went on an undeserved shopping spree and hired a clinical therapist to watch our family interact with each other. That way, with professional help, all four of us could get to the bottom of our anger issues.

Unfortunately, I blew too much money on clothes so I had to hire someone off Craig’s List instead. A guy named Cody answered my ad within minutes. When he showed up, Jeremy demanded proof of his credentials. He was suspicious of a therapist wearing a hoodie asking if he could set up a half-pipe in our driveway. Did you know you there was such a thing as a TV/VCR Repair-Psychology Degree? Cody said he did everything through the mail in just under 4 weeks. A double major, huh? I was impressed.

Cody, who insisted we call him "The Codester", interviewed each family member separately. I thought it a little odd that he used kitchen napkins for a notepad, but who was I to question a real doctor? I copy/pasted his report below. I haven’t had a chance to proof it yet. Let's read The Codester's findings together, shall we?

**********
Steenky Bee Family: A Family With Issues. BIG TIME.

Subject: Reese
Age: Almost a year? (Guessing)
Observations: Don’t get me wrong, Reese is cool and all, but she’s just a baby. How the hell am I supposed to diagnose her? She’s just sitting there babbling and drooling. When I answered her mom’s ad in Craig’s list I thought she said "Expert in Danger Habits Wanted" (online game about mercenaries) not "Expert in Anger Management". But whatevs, I’m getting paid so I’ll stick around. Why does Reese have that focused look on her face? Pew. Reese dropped a stink bomb in her shorts. I don’t do diapers.
Diagnosis: Unwilling to communicate, inconsiderate, a drooler

Subject: Henry
Age: I dunno. (He just keeps holding up a bunch of fingers and saying “This many!”)
Observations: Henry seems like a cool little dude. Why does he keep asking me to change his transformer into a car and then back into a robot and then back into a car? Make up your mind already. Henry did NOT like it when I TOTALLY HOSED HIM in Mario Cart. Oh yeah, he's a bawler when he loses. Buck up little dude, cause I just totally won my SEVENTH GAME IN A ROW! Uh-oh. He just ran off because I shouted “Who’s the man! Who’s the man!” in his face. I bet he’s totally telling on me.
Diagnosis: Sore loser, tattler

Subject: Jeremy
Age: I dunno, but I could totally take him.
Observations: Jeremy is a total a**hat. He keeps eyeing me up and down and asking me what I’m trying to pull showing up like this. Trust issues much? Note to self: Jeremy DOES NOT like me asking questions about his wife. What’s the harm in asking what she wears to bed? Dude needs to chillax.
Diagnosis: Paranoid, jealous of my coolness, intimidated by me, trust issues (big time)

Subject: Jen
Age: Won’t say. Is she flirting with me?
Observation: I’m cool with her not telling me how old she is. Hello, Mrs. Robinson! Me digs me a cougar lady. Rawr. How can I score her digits? Ugh. Why does she keep talking? She just said, “I just want to talk about my feeeeelings.”

She just stopped me from texting on my phone to ask me what I think about her anger issues. How should I know? I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU. I told her to “Lose the zero and get with the hero”. She just gave me a funny look. I bet she’s into me.
Diagnosis: Secretive, totally wants me, talks WAY too much

I'm outta here - The Codester

**********
In the end, I think our therapy was a success. Although Cody was a little unorthodox in his approach, he did offer me some solid advice. I think he told me that I should see myself as a hero or something. I’m not quite sure how to do that exactly, but Cody keeps texting me asking me to meet up with him. I’ll ask him when I see him next exactly what he meant. He keeps mentioning something about Oz Fest. Have any of you heard of this? I can only assume it's some new fangled approach to dealing with my anger. I can't wait to find out.

57 comments:

Tina said...

Do me a favor and send Cody over here. We have some issues too and I'm willing to pay him in beer. Oh, and I totally know what Ozzfest is; Son One was cited for underage drinking there a couple of years ago. You should totally go with Cody. Just don't tell Jeremy. It won't help his paranoia or trust issues.

goodfather said...

Yup, please put me on the list when you send out Dr. Codester's number. His insight is keen. KEEN. And he has a gift for communicating with children.

Casey said...

I think Cody found his calling. Hanging with MILFs all day is every teenage punk's dream, I'm sure.
I hope the Reese can find it in herself to communicate, it's tough letting those feelings out. Great spin, once again, you rock.

DeeMarie said...

The Codester totally rocks. I want his digits too, but I'll just find him on Twitter. I'm sure he'll put you on the path to Heroism in no time!!
This was an awesome take on the Spin. :)

DeeMarie said...

If I'm the 5th commenter on this post can I get a T-shirt?????

Captain Dumbass said...

Does Codester wear his hat sideways? I'd kick his ass for that. Hey, that would help relieve some anger.

I really hate the sideways hat thing. HATE.

Damn, I should have done Spin!

apathy lounge said...

Maybe I should order me something (or someone) off of Craig's List. Maybe the guy who plays Jim Halpert on "The Office".

Maggie May said...

you are freaking hilarious!!!!

' unwilling to communicate '

' i could take him '

you nailed the phrases lady

Sprite's Keeper said...

I. Adore. You.
Sweetie, you need to have your brain bronzed and your heart platinum'd, cuz they totally do that you know. You never fail to make me smile and I love love LOVE (meant in a singsong kind of way) this post! Brava! You're linked!

The Stiletto Mom said...

Good lord. I will never be first on this site and that is MY anger management issue.
I don't think we can hang around anymore bc you are totally more brillz (bounce that shiz off the Codester) than I am.
You are amazing, and this post? Deserves a medal of some sort.
Mwah!

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Jiminy Cricket, I'm in under 20. I'm going to submit my comment now and then continue below. By the time I finish typing everything I'll be number 64.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

So, anyway...

I was totally gonna jump on the spin cycle this week, but I had already written that post about setting the spaghetti on fire in a rage and I thought I would scare people if I did another angry post this week.

But now I'm glad I didn't because nothing can hold a candle to this freaking masterpiece.

I love the folders with the labels and polaroids so much. And the therapy notes are priceless.

And OF COURSE the Codester was flirting with you. Who wouldn't? I do find it hard to believe that the Codester kicked Henry's butt at Mario Cart. Can't touch the kids on video games these days. I suspect it is the Codester that is the real sore loser here.

It sounds like the therapy helped and you are all making strides in your anger issues.

Kisses!

HarryJack's Mom said...

You are the queen of creativity! I have to admit my spin's been sitting in a box waiting for my computer genius to help with a part, so I am totally not copying your anger/danger angle ;-) Will Captain Dumbass just into the Spin??

Colepack said...

DA BOMB, DA BOMB, DA BOOOOOOOMB!
you rock sis. that was a riot and an awesome spin.
so far, i am last, how about a shirt.....

ideas...
snot manager

jenboglass said...

You guys are all cracking me up! I'm so bad at doing the follow up comments here, but please know that I am humbled by all of your witty remarks here!

Sammanthia said...

Love this post... I'm not even gonna bother.;)

Seriously Mama said...

Would it be creepy of me to tell you that I have a total girl crush on you??? And I have been to OzzFest. Twice. But not with Cody.

for a different kind of girl said...

Forget that whole "I wanna marry you" thing from last week (even though I still would, just so you know). Now I want to freakin' BE you. You are awesome! This is hilarious.

Also? You make cute kids.

Vodka Mom said...

that was classic. Thanks for my morning wake-up!

Carolyn...Online said...

The Codester totally wants to get in your pants. Word.

Jonny's Mommy said...

Oh my gosh. This is hilarious! OK. I know, it was lame to say that. I should have something more witty to say here..not just "This is hilarious!" But it is and I wish I could be half this funny, but I can't...because I suck. I can't "feel the funny!" Dang it!

And I love the photos!

Love the Codester.

Khadra said...

I should have read this last night! This so would have made Crabby Thursday all better!! You are hilarious Jen!

HeatherPride said...

Awesome as always! And when did you become the queen of the cool graphics? Steenky Bee, who can keep up with you????

Daddy Files said...

You really can find anything on Craig's List can't you?

I'm new here but I don't know if I like what I'm seeing. You're a smart ass, you're quick-witted and your entries are very entertaining. You may be a threat.

I'm sending The Codester back to your domicile undercover for further intel. He's watching you...right now!

shopgirl said...

Great Post! You are sooo funny and OMG creative!! Seriously - you're making the rest of us look bad - please (don't) stop!!

Can't wait for the next post. . .

gingela5 said...

Haha...all I am thinking about is, wasn't the guy from Step By Step named The Codester? Or am I the only one who watched that show on TGIF?

mrsbear said...

lmao. What a spin. That's awesome, I can't say whether Codester resolved any of your anger issues, but his observations were definitely hmm...off da hook? off da chain? Do people still say that? I feel so old. Hope your hoodie-wearing-skater-shrink makes a reappearance. Thanks for the laugh.

Heinous said...

Those transformers are tricky things. He must be a real therapist to figure that out. I think you're everyone's hero Jen. I just asked some dude at random walking down the hall. He said, "Jen," even though he admitted to never knowing you. How Jungian.

Krystal said...

Oh you are so totally my out of it twin family!!! I love it!!!

Kat said...

Can Cody diagnose a 2 year old who won't keep her clothes on?

Mama Dawg said...

I could totally use his kind of therapy. Of course, if he's hot and good in bed, we're talking a WHOLE other kinda therapy! *wink, wink*

Trish said...

According to Google, Oz Fest is a festival celebrating the wonders that are "The Wizard of Oz". It sounds like maybe they have some fun trivia games there. People dress up and stuff. Fun for the whole family! You should go. You would make an adorable Dorothy.

Ringleader said...

Yeah- I got nothin'. That was awesome! Especially love the picture of Henry with his finger up his nose!

Ron said...

Hey, I've that same degree from the School of Sally Struthers with a minor in Floor-Buffer Repair. Cody puts Freud and Dr Phil to shame!

ali said...

Forgot what my comment was because it took me half the day to scroll down through all the comments to reach the 'post comment' link. I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome now.

Beth said...

You are my new form of ABS workout. I am laughing out loud at this story.

Miss Grace said...

I think I could use The Codester myself.

Wendy said...

This was so funny! I love the pix, too! So when is your rendevouz?

Ann said...

How I would love to live in your brain for at least one day.
You're fantastic!!!!

Elle Charlie said...

Hahaha - this totally made my so far crappy day :) Thanks for the laugh - I needed that!

Miss Jack said...

Your spin is AWESOMESAUCE! Like the word? Yeah, I thought you would. Okay, so I know we don't know each other well. That is why I'm doing this. YOUR IT! To find out what I'm talking about copy and past the link below into your browser and then follow the directions. Have fun! :)

http://spyroufamily.blogs.com/spyrou_family/2008/10/im-itagain.html

P.S. Please don't feel obligated to participate. Although, I'll have to seriously re-consider our new found friendship! ;)

JuleeSLC said...

Three snaps.

anna said...

Love the graphics on this page. I also like the "inconsiderate, a drooler," description. LOL!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

What up hooker?

Very funny analysis...

You know you totally want to jump into "The Codesters" bunk bed and work off some of that anger.

P.S. I'm visiting from Ann's virtual GNO.

Kori said...

My first time here and I got to say the Observations are Hilarious. Loved it. Also am visiting from Ann's GNO.

Jay @halftime lessons said...

Hi!
I was invited to VGNO by Ann...
And I gotta tell you...
You...are...
HILARIOUS.

LOVE your blog!!
Jay

Jenni Jiggety said...

Okay...that was REALLY Funny!

Visiting from Ann's GNO!

The Stiletto Mom said...

Hey! I was just over at Ann's GNO and decided to check you out!!!

Wait..I already stalk you. Crap, nevermind. On to the next unsuspecting subject...

Supervised Mama said...

That's awesome!! I adore you,that post was so funny....I mean congrats on the diagnosis!!

Rochelle said...

I'm visiting from GNO. I love your picture! Hilarious. Have a great Friday and weekend.

Bee said...

I think that Cody dude has the hots for you. I wish I had a Cody dude that had the hots for me. The only thing I get on Craig's list is crabs. THE EATING KIND gutter minds! ;o)

blissfullycaffeinated said...

I came by to say hi, and now I'm wondering what the heck "Ann's GNO" is. Where is it and how does one get invited, Steenky? How?

Have a great weekend!

Jennifer said...

Hi--I'm visiting from Ann's GNO! How have I not seen your blog before? Very funny and I love the way you did those photo/files w/ he tape--cool!

ciara said...

wow, the codester has y'all pegged! lol

Lola said...

The Codester sounds like a genius. He can move in with us. We've got the half-pipe already, and I'd shut up and let the boy talk if he was cute enough.

Ginger said...

YOUR IT! To find out what I’m talking about copy and paste the link below into your browser and then follow the directions. Have fun!

http://gingereebs.wordpress.com/2008/10/12/i-got-tagged/

anymommy said...

That was freaking hilarious. Those folders. The Codester. Genius.