The Spin Cycle: Unorthodox Therapy Sessions

This week’s Spin Cycle, hosted by The Amazing Sprite’s Keeper is Anger Management. I must admit, I rolled this topic around in my head for a while. Not wanting to burden everyone out there with a long list of my anger issues, I did what any sensible person would do. I secretly dipped into our savings, went on an undeserved shopping spree and hired a clinical therapist to watch our family interact with each other. That way, with professional help, all four of us could get to the bottom of our anger issues.

Unfortunately, I blew too much money on clothes so I had to hire someone off Craig’s List instead. A guy named Cody answered my ad within minutes. When he showed up, Jeremy demanded proof of his credentials. He was suspicious of a therapist wearing a hoodie asking if he could set up a half-pipe in our driveway. Did you know you there was such a thing as a TV/VCR Repair-Psychology Degree? Cody said he did everything through the mail in just under 4 weeks. A double major, huh? I was impressed.

Cody, who insisted we call him "The Codester", interviewed each family member separately. I thought it a little odd that he used kitchen napkins for a notepad, but who was I to question a real doctor? I copy/pasted his report below. I haven’t had a chance to proof it yet. Let's read The Codester's findings together, shall we?

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Steenky Bee Family: A Family With Issues. BIG TIME.

Subject: Reese
Age: Almost a year? (Guessing)
Observations: Don’t get me wrong, Reese is cool and all, but she’s just a baby. How the hell am I supposed to diagnose her? She’s just sitting there babbling and drooling. When I answered her mom’s ad in Craig’s list I thought she said "Expert in Danger Habits Wanted" (online game about mercenaries) not "Expert in Anger Management". But whatevs, I’m getting paid so I’ll stick around. Why does Reese have that focused look on her face? Pew. Reese dropped a stink bomb in her shorts. I don’t do diapers.
Diagnosis: Unwilling to communicate, inconsiderate, a drooler

Subject: Henry

Age: I dunno. (He just keeps holding up a bunch of fingers and saying “This many!”)
Observations: Henry seems like a cool little dude. Why does he keep asking me to change his transformer into a car and then back into a robot and then back into a car? Make up your mind already. Henry did NOT like it when I TOTALLY HOSED HIM in Mario Cart. Oh yeah, he's a bawler when he loses. Buck up little dude, cause I just totally won my SEVENTH GAME IN A ROW! Uh-oh. He just ran off because I shouted “Who’s the man! Who’s the man!” in his face. I bet he’s totally telling on me.
Diagnosis: Sore loser, tattler

Subject: Jeremy

Age: I dunno, but I could totally take him.
Observations: Jeremy is a total a**hat. He keeps eyeing me up and down and asking me what I’m trying to pull showing up like this. Trust issues much? Note to self: Jeremy DOES NOT like me asking questions about his wife. What’s the harm in asking what she wears to bed? Dude needs to chillax.
Diagnosis: Paranoid, jealous of my coolness, intimidated by me, trust issues (big time)

Subject: Jen

Age: Won’t say. Is she flirting with me?
Observation: I’m cool with her not telling me how old she is. Hello, Mrs. Robinson! Me digs me a cougar lady. Rawr. How can I score her digits? Ugh. Why does she keep talking? She just said, “I just want to talk about my feeeeelings.”

She just stopped me from texting on my phone to ask me what I think about her anger issues. How should I know? I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU. I told her to “Lose the zero and get with the hero”. She just gave me a funny look. I bet she’s into me.

Diagnosis: Secretive, totally wants me, talks WAY too much

I'm outta here - The Codester

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In the end, I think our therapy was a success. Although Cody was a little unorthodox in his approach, he did offer me some solid advice. I think he told me that I should see myself as a hero or something. I’m not quite sure how to do that exactly, but Cody keeps texting me asking me to meet up with him. I’ll ask him when I see him next exactly what he meant. He keeps mentioning something about Oz Fest. Have any of you heard of this? I can only assume it's some new fangled approach to dealing with my anger. I can't wait to find out.