October 2, 2008

The Spin Cycle: Time Trials...and Tribulations

Here I am in week two in the Spin Cycle hosted by The Divine Sprite’s Keeper. Actually, she just goes by Sprite’s Keeper, I added the divine thing myself. It’s fitting though. The theme for this spin is Wishes. I’ve read a few of the posts thrown out there by the other awesome ladies participating and they were beautiful. They were generous and thoughtful wishes for everyone else with the hope of making our world a better place. I want to tell you that mine will be the same, but that would be a big, fat lie. My wish is totally selfish and shallow and all about me.

I wish it didn’t take me so long to get ready in the morning. When I run time trials on my routine it comes to just shy of two hours. That is huge, people. No one should spend that much time getting ready unless they’re heading to prom or to their own wedding. Oh, if only my morning hassle ended with an updo and a flower corsage!

Believe me, I’ve tried to cut my morning routine down for as long as I can remember. I just can’t do it. If there was a twelve-steps group out there for people like me I would totally join. But only with the condition that I could just sort of roll out of bed and show up in sweat pants. If I have to shower and go through the whole rigmarole of getting ready, I may never make that meeting on time.

It’s not like when I finish this two hour routine I look stunning either. You’d think I’d be perfectly coiffed, pressed and ready to go. No, most of the time I just look like this.


And that’s on a good day. I joke with Jeremy that pretty doesn’t happen overnight. He usually adds that pretty can’t seem to happen in under an hour either.

I have a long-held, yet untested belief that the route of my problem lies in the shower. If I enter the shower at 6:00 am, the soonest I am leaving that place is 35 minutes or later. And that’s on a good day. If I have to shave or deep condition, then you can just forget about it.

I swear to you I am not a dawdler in the shower either. I’m moving and working the entire time. I’m washing, exfoliating, lathering, rinsing and repeating. I’m all focus, baby.

One time I asked Jeremy to give me a few pointers with my shower routine. That little adventure didn’t go so well. It ended with the two of us standing in a dry shower together with only one of us fully clothed. The other one stood there continually asking, “So when is the magic going to happen?“ What part of DRY RUN did he not understand? Needless to say, for about three minutes, there was a lot of awkward eye contact between the two of us.

Again, I ask you, is there a special class where I can enroll? I’d even be willing to take an internet course. I thought about Googling ‘faster showers for women’ but Jeremy strongly advised me against it. He said I would definitely not find what I was looking for. I’m just going to have to take him at his word.

43 comments:

Lola said...

Too funny! I can't get ready in a hurry either. I've cut it down somewhat because I stay up way too late, but it's usually two hours needed to get me out of the house in the morning.

Funny thing is that I can get ready much more quickly later in the day and at night. It must have to do with the complete exhaustion that I feel every day until 10:00.

Cape Cod Gal said...

I have managed to get it down to 30minutes. That's from the time I get out of bed until I walk out the door. I multi task. I eat my breakfast in the bathroom while doing my hair, I let the curlers set while making the bed etc.

I sleep walk thru all of it. Sometimes I'm driving to the office and I think, wait a minute...why the hell am I wearing this? It's become such a routine I don't think.

Trish said...

Things I've learned from watching "Seinfeld":

1. Don't go to the gym and watch other women shower to get tips on how to speed up your routine. They'll think you're being all pervy and may revoke your membership.

2. While installing a garbage disposal in your shower and doing all of your cooking preparations while bathing may save you time, it is unsanitary and ill-advised.

As an aside, I accidentally typed "whores" in #2 above instead of "shower" ... funniest typo ever.

Casey said...

Wow, I don't know what to say. Uhm, maybe you could go with the GI-Jane haircut so you cut out hair prep? That might not work.
The dry run sounded hilarious. Maybe Jeremy could silently shave your legs while you sleep and save you that step? I dunno, I got nuthin.

HeatherPride said...

Girlfriend, you need a life coach. I'll be over in a sec. I don't know what you're doing but that's just...no...

Maybe try doing the coffee before the shower? Oh, and Claire wants to say something: erg vr

She did that all by herself! Taking after her mama! It means: I love you, Steenky Bee!!

goodfather said...

Ack! I just GUFFAWED at work! I need to close my door before I read your blog ;). Not googling any phrase with showers and women in it is a great piece of advice.

Jenni said...

Wow, that's a loooooong routine. I think mine, including shower, takes 15 minutes. If I find clean underwear. And ususally I can't. So I just go without. And here's the part where I leave because I've told you much more than you really wanted to know.

Captain Dumbass said...

Jeremy is truly a wise man and I believe you should let him guest post.
35 minutes in the shower? What the hell do you do in there?
Sweat pants are sexy.
Speaking of sexy, THAT PICTURE!
Um... updo?

Ron said...

the shower scene is hilarious - even I felt awkward.

my wife can't do pretty without Jimmy Cho's - or so she claims, but I'm not convinced.

Sprite's Keeper said...

The Divine Sprite's Keeper? How about the Divine Miss Jen or would Better Midler sue us?
35 minutes in the shower? Wow. I mean, wow! If I spent 35 minutes in the shower, I would probably be a much happier person. Lemme try it tomorrow and see. You are too funny for your own good. AND you're linked!

Captain Dumbass said...

Since you're filling up my comments with email like... well, comments, I figured I'd do the same. Don't worry about being 21st, you know where you always are there. I didn't post anything until late because my bed was invaded by a snot monster last night.

Captain Dumbass said...

And since you don't have your usual thousand comments today I guess I'll just add to them. Snot monster needed to whimper a lot as well. And kick me in the head while doing it, like his pain was the fault of my head. I know, I'm a terrible father.

Captain Dumbass said...

Wow, Supreme Leader just ran out of the kitchen like a mad woman! She just realized that the sour cream she bought an hour and a half ago is still sitting beside the front door where she left it. Do you think we should still use it?

Colepack said...

Ok, what do you REALLY do in that shower?? I think you are bloggin' in there!!! hee, hee, heeeeee
Actually, I think the shower is our only "private place" as a mommy and I sometimes find myself staying in there longer just to get away.
Try some coffee before you go in and use some all-in-one shampoo/cond!!!

for a different kind of girl said...

Here's my creed (or excuse or whatever you wish to call it) - You can't rush perfection, baby. One day, the man I'm married to, the one who is in and out of the shower and dressed and ready for the day in 4 minutes (FOUR MINUTES! I timed him wheh he made the unfortunate mistake of waking me up one day in his rush), will believe me. Until then, I make him wait.

Ilina said...

It takes me 30 minutes to get ready from bed to out the door. I'm no primper but I do wear eyeliner, mascara, and lip balm everyday. No foundation or face stuff other than SPF moisturizer and under eye concealer. I wouldn't even know what to do if I had more time.

Jamie said...

Too funny - I usually end up NOT doing the shaving, deep conditioning, and exfoliating thing so I can get out of the house on time. Basically I leave the house dry, scaly, hairy, and with really bad hair. I promise you, it's NOT pretty. Thanks for the laugh.

Vodka Mom said...

i love that goddamned picture. you rock.

Sherry said...

my love for you grows daily. that picture is all kinds of awesome.

Heinous said...

Can I hang that picture at work? I love it. You don't have to take faster showers. That's your prerogative dammit!

jen said...

TWO HOURS???
(sorry i yelled)
it takes me...hmmm, math calculation was not my strong suit...60-70 minutes to:
--get myself up, showered, dressed, make-uped, coffeed, lunch-packed
AND get the girls up, breakfasted (usually on the go, aka dry cereal), diapered, dressed, pig-tailed.
AND get the animals fed and let out.
and please note...that's on day that my husband is out of town...airline pilot...gone a lot.
but, that so doesn't help you, does it? 'cause i have absolutely no idea how i do it, either.

Maggie May said...

that picture is adorable.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Dude, love the picture.

That's an awesome wish, something that would really change the quality of your life. But also? I see some places where you can totally cut back. I know because I've been cutting back on my grooming more and more each year for the past few years. Number 1? Shower at night. I may not be shower fresh all the next day, but at least we make to gymnastics somewhere near the time it starts. Also - don't wash the hair every day. I would never get out of the house and go anywhere if I had to deal with my mane from scratch every morning. Dry shampoo. It is your friend. This may sound gross but seriously, it had to be done, at least for me.

I'm also thinking about some laser hair removal. Imagine not having to shave. That would be so amazing.

Anyhoo, such a great post.

Hey - Did you drink a six pack everytime Palin said "Joe Sixpack tonight?

Tracy Lynn said...

I can, but only by not giving a rat's ass and having short hair.

And also, proper medication helps. It's better living through modern pharmaceuticals, baby, yeah.

Ringleader said...

For me, it is 30 minutes from rolling out of bed, to heading ut the door. Secrets to my success you ask? Well, for starters, sucking down a giant glass of Diet Coke first thing (I'm a Mormon, we drink outr caffeine cold!) then, 2 in one conditioning shampoo, also used to wash my face and body on one of those shower scrubby thingies, only shaving my legs on days I am wearing a skirt or capris and a blow dryer that could propel one of those Gator Park Jet Boats.

Becky said...

OMG, it's rare that I literally mean an "LOL," but LOL. The two of you standing in a dry shower. Hot, hot, Planet Hot!

DeeMarie said...

I learned to cut my shower down to 4 minutes or less (when necessary) when I was in the State Fair Youth Choir. Our showers were literally 4 spigots on a wall, in a room. No curtain, no separators. And usually there was a line of people waiting for you to finish. Modesty went out the window, and showers became get wet, get clean, get out! ;) Good luck. I hope your wish comes true!!!

The Stiletto Mom said...

Girlfriend, you are putting entirely too much effort in here. Normally, I want to be JUST LIKE YOU, you know..bc I'm obsessed with you, but I have to veer off the path here. Yesterday, I didn't have any calls outside the office so I hunkered down and got to work. At 2:00 I realized I was still in my pj's. I finally took a shower and changed into "dressy sweats"...and then my husband thanked me for bathing and getting dressed. That's just sad, sad, sad.
PS. That picture is HAWT honey.

Tuesday Girl said...

I think my longest shower EVER is probably 15 minutes. Thats with a full shave. I am all about get in, clean up, get out.

The thing that takes me the longest is blow drying my hair. It is so think to fully dry and style it it takes about 45 minutes. thats why I usually don't and my hair looks like dry sombrero.

Rhea said...

You're killin' me. That was hilarious. Especially the dry run. And that photo...

hehe

I am the fastest showerer in this house. Ten minutes is my usual. Unless I shave my legs.

Carolyn...Online said...

I think you should consider meth-amphetamines. I hear they make you speed up.

Krystal said...

I so totally needed that!!! And you deserve the right to be selfish!!

Tenakim said...

Thanks for the compliment on my hair- how ironic- that's how it looks when I wake up- seriously- maybe getting your haircut short will cut your time.

HeatherPride said...

Double commenting here. Just trying to be cool like the cool people I know. You know anybody like that?? ;)

Debbie said...

You crack me right up!

For me, the problem is this line of thinking: Get out of the shower to go to work.

Nice warm shower ... or go to work.

Seriously. Go to work?

Wendy said...

This is so funny! It used to take me way over an hour, but now I've cut it back. I can get myself *and* three kids ready in just under an hour. I know what you mean about the shower! I've had to explain to Thomas several times that I'm not in the "having fun." Apparently I moan a lot in the shower. Or he imagines that I do anyway!

Good luck trying to cut it back somewhere. I wish I could help you.

For Myself said...

Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery.
I believe you're suffering from the little known curse of curly hair. It's a cross to bear! It takes TIME to shape and tame, people! Beauty hurts.

Seriously Mama said...

Hey, at least you have a shower to use. My husband started to re-do our master bathroom 2 years ago. Umm, yeah, I said 2 years ago. We now have a beautiful big, deep bath tub with a pipe sticking out of the wall that will someday become a shower. Try having to take a bath in order to get ready in the morning. Total time suck. Thanks for visiting me and I added you to my reader. You are hilarious and I am totally looking forward to more!

ali said...

I've got mine down to 30 minutes but that's only if I've showered and straightened my hair the night before.

My last year of college I rolled out of bed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, hair in a ponytail, grabbed some gum and went to class. And that's AFTER hitting snooze for 2 hours.

Jen W said...

First of all, your picture in this post is classic. And this... "The other one stood there continually asking, “So when is the magic going to happen?“ What part of DRY RUN did he not understand? Needless to say, for about three minutes, there was a lot of awkward eye contact between the two of us."... just genius! Too funny.

Thanks for stopping by. I'll be sure to be back here.

Mama Dawg said...

Ummmm....my whole routine from start to finish takes under 30 minutes. However, I don't have as much hair as you and I only shave when I wear capris or a skirt. Otherwise, I don't.

Don't judge, I don't have a man to keep silky smooth for (and I'm fine with that!).

Jonny's Mommy said...

Love it! Very funny stuff. I look similar to you in the morning, but it doesn't get much better. I am so low maintenance it is rather sad. I stumble out of bed, brush my hair, my teeth and out the door. I do the shower the night before because I am totally not a morning person.

Oh, hey, I'm supposed to be working. When am I going to read you at Stiletto Mom?! Darn this job!

Oh, right,...I need the money and with the way the stock market is going I'd better keep it.

Gotta go!

gingela5 said...

I am so glad I'm not the only one who it takes an eternity to shower! I need to re-watch that Seinfeld episode to see how Jerry does it.