October 23, 2008

Spin Cycle: More Than Meets The Eye

I’m not much of a trickster. I think tricks can be mean. However, I did trick Jeremy into marrying me. I constantly remind him that he promised in front of a bunch of people that he would stay with me for, like a really, really long time. Our marriage certificate is proof that he is contractually obligated to love me.

But tricks is what the newly coiffed Sprite's Keeper would like us to spin this go around on The Spin Cycle. Speaking of Sprite's Keeper, she has shiny, bouncy, new hair thanks to a pair of thinning shears. Also, when I figure out how, or even what it is, I'm going to super poke her on Facebook. Yeah, she should be warned.

So tricks, huh? You know what I want to know? What's the trick is to get those Transformer toys turned from a robot, into a car, then back into a robot without causing myself to suffer a mild brain aneurysm? I tell you folks, it’s a skill that I have yet to master. Usually, Henry has Jeremy assist him with all those complex toys with their whatsie-hoosits and fancy thingamajigs. Jeremy’s a whiz with those things and he quickly gained Henry's trust with all things small and plastic.

Henry learned early on in his life that I can’t be trusted with complex toys that require any sort of prowess to assemble. I hesitate to even bring up the Little People Barn House fiasco of ‘06. Let’s just say Henry was so traumatized by the way I handled the assembly of that particular play set that to this day, he still covers his eyes and screams whenever we pass by actual cows and horses in a pasture.

A problem arose this past weekend when Jeremy abandoned his family to stay in the wilderness for a week. He left us a car with no gas and a fridge full of nothing but bacon and tapioca pudding. (I will never let Jeremy go grocery shopping alone again. Ever.) So I grabbed the kids, gassed up the car went to the store and bought some chocolate pudding. Seriously, how does Jeremy not know by now that I don't eat tapioca pudding? It’s like he has no idea who I even am.

So, there I was at 9:00 at night, with two kids and a cart full of pudding strolling around Walmart in my snazziest track suit, (are you feeling my class?) when I made the fatal mistake of veering off course and passing by the toy section on the way to the exercise equipment. Henry spied an aisle lined with rows and rows of Transformer toys. “Hey, I have those at home!” he shouted.

"Yes, Honey, you sure do," I mindlessly replied as I searched for a Thigh Master in the fitness section. That bacon and chocolate pudding weight isn't going to come off all by itself, people.

We arrived home with pudding and a Thigh Master in hand and Henry immediately made a bee-line for his play room. About ten minutes later I heard a loud “Oh Man!” followed up quickly with a “Heck O’Friday!” (Yes, my 3-year old curses like an 80-year old woman. His best friend is his Grandma Granny, what can I expect?)

I ran down the hall and saw him standing there looking quite distressed. He caught sight of me and immediately hid his hands behind his back. Not knowing how to act casual about anything, he shouted, “Nothing! I don’t have nothing, Momma,” and tried to back away from me. After about ten minutes of coaxing and promises of lots and lots pudding, I got the little guy to show me what he was hiding behind his back.

He reluctantly held his trembling little hands toward me and revealed nothing but a Bumblebee Transformer toy. When I looked a little closer I could see that Bumblebee was missing one of his side panels. No biggie, just a little fix.

I scooped up the yellow and black toy and began manipulating it in my hands just like I’d seen Jeremy do hundreds of times. How tough could it really be?


A wheel popped off and went flying across the floor. Henry looked terrified. “Don’t worry honey, it’s supposed to do that,” I calmly told him with a smile. If he even got a hint of my nervousness, he would quickly take the toy back.


I should have known to stop when I heard a loud snap and Bumblebee’s head went rolling into my lap.


“You’re doing it wrong!” Henry shouted. This immediately broke what little concentration I had as it brought back a flood of memories from my honeymoon night with Jeremy. My husband had shouted those exact words to me over and over in that hotel suite some eight years ago.

Eventually, I calmed Henry down and worked that little plastic toy over like it was nobody's business. Sure, Henry had a horrified look on his face as I continued to pull limbs apart and snap wheels back together in places they hadn't been before. But in the end, I convinced my son, that the Bumblebee he once knew and loved was now better than ever. How many other little boys have a Transformer with an arm where the head used to be and a left front panel held on by duct tape? Not many, I bet.

The rest of the night, Henry just sat and stared in silence at his Transformer toy as he cradled it in his tiny hands. I swear I even saw tears in his eyes a few times. Surely, those were tears of joy. I had made my boy the happiest little guy in all the world. I can't be sure, but that night, as he cried himself to sleep, I think I heard him say, "Oh Bumblebee, I'm so sorry," over and over. Oh how he loves that toy. I'm just so glad I could help.

64 comments:

Casey said...

FIRST?!?

Casey said...

They ARE more than meets the eye, aren't they? I loved Transformers when I was young but there's no way I could figure them out now....
Glad you made Henry's day. You are super mom with your track suit and your cart fulla puddin'.

Momma Trish said...

Poor Transformer.

Love the close-up picture of Henry's tonsils, btw!!

Also: I want a cart of chocolate pudding. We can just park it in my yard. Mmmm ... chocolate pudding ...

Tara said...

Sheesh. I hate those toys.
I told my son that Bumblebee was a bit of a girls toy to put him off - was that wrong of me?
They never ever transform into what they are supposed to. And what smart ar** decided to make mini Transformers? I have enough hang ups about my body as it is without being made to feel like I have Mars Bar fingers.

TattooedMinivanMom said...

BUMBLEBEE DESTROYER!!!!

Optimus Prime is gonna kick your ASS!!! then he's gonna stick a RATCHET up ur ass and then there'll really be a DESERT BRAWL!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Oh yeah...ПРОСТИТУТКА!!!

Kat said...

Why did tattooedminivanmom call you a prostitute in Russian (it was my minor my first go round in college)?

Anyhoo...I am sure that Henry will grow to love the new and improved BumbleBee. It just might take some time and effort on his part.

Captain Dumbass said...

tattooedminivanmom has elevated (or dropped) your comment section to a whole new level. Good work, TMVM.

......ok, I can swear in many different languages but I just realized that I'm illiterate in all of them. Damn.

Connor had that Bumblebee. Being a man I can, um... transform them, but why do you have to do it EVERY TWO MINUTES???

Ann said...

You're a HERO!!!!!

Heinous said...

You need to step away from the transformers. My son always leaves them half transformed. They're transformally challenged in his hands. I must teach him the way.

Sweet...good to know I can still read some Russian. Those 3 semesters weren't a total waste.

ChurchPunkMom said...

dude... next time? call me. i'll walk you through it, honey. i have me three little weenie waggers, and i've learned the necessary skills for survival's sake.. and i'm generous like that. you're welcome.

Sherendipity said...

Don't let Henry eat that transformer!!

Cameron said...

I wouldn't worry....kids are pretty resilient. A couple years of therapy, and Henry will be good as new. ;)

Lola said...

Your skills with minimally mechanical toys reminds me of my husband's. I can't think of one thing he's put together where there wasn't a pile of leftover parts. My son has become very good with tape.

Tapioca is disgusting! Instant chocolate pudding made with skim milk is devine.

The Stiletto Mom said...

What's with Casey showing up first all the time? Are you giving her a heads up or am I just getting dellusional in my quest to be first in Steenky Bee? Wait...that didn't sound right...THATS WHAT HE SAID. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Your mad transformer skillz amaze me but I have to admit, I am totally fixated on the Henners oh so very blue eyes. Swooning. Tell him a much older lady in Texas is crushing on him.

PS. Miss G is seven, do you think she's too much older than him for an arranged marriage? Let's talk...

Seriously Mama said...

Shouldn't Casey be exercising that bread bowl away instead of posting first? ;-) That girls gotta give the rest of us a chance. We have yet to get to the Transformers stage. Not looking forward to Santa's visit this year...

DeeMarie said...

My Grandparents said, "Oh Shaw." Now that is some elderly cursing right there.
I feel for you. I have removed Transformer pieces to make it work too. I never think all the parts are needed.
Thanks for posting. I was seriously going through withdrawal. Off to superpoke you...

Pamela said...

Toys suck. We send our kids outside to throw rocks at each other. Because hey, sutures are cheaper than batteries.

And did somebody actually *ask* why a reader called you a prostitute? BECAUSE SHE LIKES IT WHEN WE TALK DIRTY TO HER! That's why.

And who else but a prostitute would wear a fancy, dress-up track suit to the WalMarts?

Sprite's Keeper said...

I'm here! I'm here! Sorry, I was painting a wall and at one point it started to paint me and I was all "It's on!" and attacked it with the roller and John sent me to Time Out and I JUST got my computer priviledges back (actually, he fell asleep in his office, so I SNUCK on!) and found your Spin! Would you believe I used to watch the cartoon? They were on right after He-Man and She-ra. I can't believe they're back. I used to fear that I would have to put one back together again so when they fell off the scene I was relieved, but now they're back and I'm praying for a second girl when we go down that road so I don't have to face that fear!
You have absolutely gorgeous hair, did you know that? Also, Henry's teeth? So white! Does he brush 3 times a day or four? How many tangents does it take to tell you you're linked!

ali said...

Check your google ads! "Complete Transformers Systems Experts in Electrical Loads and More" That sounds promising.

Tiffany T said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my word that's good stuff. I completely agree with you about tricks until someone tries one on me, and then all bets are off.
I could NOT agree with you more about Transformers. I remember making the rookie mistake of grabbing any ole' Transformer toy from the shelf thinking that it was a TOY - how hard can it be? Then I learn from my 6 year old that there are numbers to correspond to the level of difficulty of transforming the toy. Still it. is. a. TOY. The one I couldn't transform back into its original form is sitting in the "TO GIFT" box.

Mc Allen said...

omgaww this was soooo funny that I just had to read it out loud to Big A, he laughed and laughed. Then he began to mention a few times that Jeremy can get out of the marrital contract if there is any amount of mental anguish inficted on him like the whole closet thng... I the proceeded to banish him to th couch, you'll be happy to know he is outside my door as we speak weeping and begging me to let him atleast speep in here in the chaise... I am undecided as of yet, but I just love hearing how many different uses there are for duct tape!!...Your a good mom! L A

goodfather said...

Did you know that Orson Wells played the planet-eating robot Unicron in 'Transformers: The Movie (1986)'? Um, that may not be totally related to your post, just some Transformer's trivia. Heh.

Awesome pictures, as always. :D

Sammanthia said...

My kids won't let me near their Legos... in fact, I once heard Carter whisper to Gage, "Don't ask Mom to fix it, she'll break it even more." I cried.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Lordy. I started to leave a comment and then Avery covered herself head to toe with Trix yogurt and sprinted down the hall wiping it everywhere she could. Took ages to settle everything down here.

Anyhoo -

What I started to say is that Heck O'Friday is my new favorite curse word. I can't wait to get in my car and yell Heck O'Friday! to all the irritating drivers out there.

Also, I thank the Lord and Buddha that I don't have to deal with Transformers. Because I would totllay fail. They seem way too technical and complicated.

So you are my hero.

And duct tape can fix anything.

Zip n Tizzy said...

Your giving new meaning to the " - *more than meets the eye*..."

What do you expect? I'll be singing that now for the next 3 days!

beth said...

Moms and/or wives always seem to "do it wrong", don't they.

Mama Dawg said...

Poor, poor Bumblebee. May he rest in peace. Cause seriously, how the hell can you live with your arm where your head should be?

Forget calling you Steenky Bee. Your new name is Dr. Frankenstein. or stien. or steen. or steihn.

Carolyn...Online said...

So tomorrow do you plan to run over the family dog?

Oh I kid. Transformers are evil little toys.

Debbie said...

Transformers ... Lordy, those things have been around a while, haven't they?

I tried ONCE to put one back together and ended up throwing it in the toy box.

And what is the deal with Optimus Prime? My 15 year old daughter is obsessed with Optimus Prime ... and I don't even know what that is. I'm SO out of it. Sigh.

Laufa and Roy said...

Cracking up!!! You sound like me last Christmas. Santa brought a Barbie house for MJ and I had to put it together...a couple pieces are super glued.

Michele said...

When Transformers first came out (what a hundred years ago) we purchased a whole selection for our oldest boy. He would sing the theme song like this: tansformers more tan meet e i. God, it was seriously cute. 22 years later we still sing it. Mostly when the opportunity to embarrass him arises.

Khadra said...

My daughter, the other day, shouted "OH FIDDLESTICKS!"

No idea whose granny she is hanging out with but she definitely didnt learn that from me.

HeatherPride said...

Well, I think I can safely say that if Henners had had strep throat or tonsilitis I would have been able to diagnose it from here in Missouri with that awesome pic.

And shhhhh with the transformer bit. I have not introduced transformers to Logan yet as they seem to require a kind of skill set which neither his father nor I possess.

Tabitha Blue said...

HAHA, that's too funny. I'm sure I'd be the same way, ripping my kids toy's heads off... but just trying to help! Way to go mama!!

Oh and BTW, I don't mind NEW stickers, but used old ones and band-aids totally freak me out! I don't want to touch them!!

Elle Charlie said...

That is fantastic. I love the pictures. You are a great mom - that smile is one of pure joy!

I know how Henry feels. When I was a kid in Germany visiting relatives my Skipper doll bungee jumped off the balcony (with no cord) and broke her neck. She was my favorite doll, and my uncle Hansie quickly took her away into his garage "hospital" to be fixed. She came out a few minutes later, head stuck far down her neck, and I took one look at my previously swivel-headed Barbie and burst out crying. Then I had to try to explain to my uncle, in broken little kid German, why that wasn't how she was supposed to look. He took her back and disappeared back into the garage "hospital". He was in there for AGES. He was crazy gluing all the little splinters of her neck back together so her head could once again swivel on the ball inside her neck. When he finally brought her back out, she was good as new. But it was traumatic.

I love my uncle Hansie. Poor guy. I think it was even more traumatic to him.

mongoliangirl said...

OK Steenky. Prior to putting anymore posts on your blog I need to be warned. Warned of? How funny they are so I know to go upstairs and put on a pair of Depends prior to reading!
This? This may very well be why I have no children. I've already traumatized all of our dogs and horses due to improper use of halters, bridles and saddles. They all get nervous when I enter the barn.
P.S. I like it when you post...instead of all that meme stuff. Can I say that? That meme, tagging, whatever stuff just gets me all kinds of confused.

Tori said...

Oh how I LOVE reading your blog! It seriously makes my day. I sit up here at the front desk, after making the coffee (or I'll have caffine-deprived architects on my hands, which is not a pretty sight) and I cross my fingers in the hopes that you have posted a new and exciting story. And you never cese (spelling?) to amaze me! I sit here and smile and laugh as people walk by (probably wondering what the hell I am so happy about...) and think of how fun it will be when I have some of those of my own! (kids... I mean kids!) I have Porter and I have new baby Cecil, but it's just not the same! (Of course, I don't know if it's not the same...cuz I can't compare it yet..) Anyway, what I was trying to get to was... your blog reminds me of a Calvin & Hobbs cartoon. I absolutely LOVE Calvin & Hobbs. They are hilarious. So.. my point being... YOU ARE HILARIOUS! You make me smile and literally LOL every time I read your blog. I'd have to say, I do have a few favorite posts: T-Rex and ToiletPaper, today's Spin Cycle: More Than Meets The Eye, A Triple Threat & Excellent Floor Work, The Pope Was in Town, A Life Lesson for Henry, and many, many more. I'd like to say "THANK YOU" for having a blog!

Chris Wood said...

Awwww ...

Sticky tape can work wonders, but I'm no expert on Transformers.

Krystal said...

well, yeah, um, been there done that - except it actually wasn't me - it was Hubby. He destroyed the legs off of Optimus Prime and that sent Little Man screaming to me. Mommy to the rescue and I fixed it - no biggy - next time, just call me, we could have avoided the crying himself to sleep. Poor child!!! You Tramp!

With Heart,
Whore

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Hey woman, I have an award pour vous at my blog.

GreenJello said...

Sorry, no Transformers allowed in my house. We have computers and iPods and a Wii, instead. It's a good thing I'm the geeky type...

And I'll take your tapioca!

gingela5 said...

Haha...that's so funny! Poor bumble bee went through enough in the movie--just leave him alone! And I'm typing this like you're actually going to read it--I'm 43? Good grief woman! haha

Cat said...

Congratulations on your mad toy repair skillz. I am in awe!

Maggie May said...

i watched Transformers when i was growing up. i hated it because when we played transformers i always had to be Megatron because my name is Maggie. yeah. hmm.

Miss Jack said...

What an awesomesauce story of trickery, murder and foul-play. I think Henry needs to have the police on speed dial.

Vodka Mom said...

you really are very funny! The pictures just MAKE THE POST COMPLETE!! I love it all. Especially how WIDE your little fella can open his mouth. I am impressed. :-)

Kat said...

Oh my god, your kid is SO CUTE.

You killed a Transformer. They are like, really strong and stuff. So that makes you a superhero.

All it takes is the right spin, see?

Jennifer said...

I have no clue how to work those stupid things--but I'm pretty sure the pieces aren't supposed to snap off LOL!

Jenni Jiggety said...

Whoops!

I am pretty sure you need a degree in engineering to make those Transformers work.

And don't even get me started on those 700 piece Lego sets. Are they serious? He'd be in college by the time I figured that crap out!

Rachel said...

Ohhhh, that was funny. I'm am extremely grateful I have girls. I only hope that we can stop at cars and blocks and legos as far as our gender neutral toy collection goes.

Preston said...

You are too funny. and great pics too!

Robin said...

OMG. we were blog stalking each other at the exact same time! (woot, woot!) happy GNO! happy friday! happy times!
great post, btw!
:) Robin
cinnamon & honey

Casey said...

Hi skan. That word hasn't gotten old yet and I'm confident it never will. How's the fitness going? Any big plans for the weekend?

for a different kind of girl said...

OMG! Yes, yes, yes!!! I hate that flippin' Bumblebee! We have a house filled with Transformers (they are not very nice houseguests, in case you were wondering), and I swear I can never, ever get them back from robot to cab or semi or whatever the heck they are when they're not fighting. Stuff indeed flies everywhwere. When my husband is gone, I tell the boys that the Transformers are simply off limits.

But hey, guess what? I'm a Transformer! Well, actually, chocolate pudding is a transformer. Eating a lot of it transforms my butt, interestingly enough, into tapioca!

CelloBella said...

Hi just dropping by to see how the HASAY is going for you?
:)

Ann said...

Hey Jen,
You do NOT suck. I suck, I suck.
I can't get enough people to the VGNO to make your time worth while.
I'm sorry.
(cue the sad music Charlie Brown)

Jamie said...

Ha! We just found an idiot-proof kind of Transformer that has one button to push to convert Bumblebee to uh, whatever he is supposed to look like when he's not a robot... (not completely idiot-proof, clearly). Mostly, I love Henry's "smile".

TattooedMinivanMom said...

What up stinker butt! I mean steenky bee. Can I have a newer post please. I've already read this one like 100 times already...Jeez woman.

I was just looking up how to say hooker in chinese and it directed me to pages like "wanna hook-up with lonely wives?" "hookup with MILFs" "Married but looking" and you were on every page! I thought we were exclusive. I'm so disappointed in you.

Miss Grace said...

I totally rock the legos actually. It's one of my few redeeming qualities as a mother.
That, and I can drive him to Grandma's house for panacakes on the weekends. Otherwise I'm pretty sure I'm dispensable.

Captain Dumbass said...

I want to have the last word.

Word.

jerlyn said...

steenky bee, me thinks u should get
a job at Mattel or Toy r us! I'm
sre your little guy took his mangled bumble bee to "show and tell" (tell the other kids not to let their Mommies help them.")
Your little guy is a real cutie.

and I never smack Cpt. Dumbass, well maybe just a little.
jerlyn

Supervised Mama said...

You rock.....really what else is there to say?? You saved the day.

Rock and Roll Mama said...

You almost made me pee my pants. Wench. There, I motivated you!!! I was dying at your Walmart imagery.