October 12, 2008

The Five Spot

I was chatting via email with one of my Canadian bloggy friends, Captain Dumbass, the other day and I asked him a few questions about his homeland. I mean, besides everyone owning a pet moose, free health care and polar bears, I didn't know much about our neighbor to the north. I asked the Captain if I could interview him for my Five Spot. I set up a translator and everything. I was later told that they speak English up there. Who knew?

I asked him to send a picture of himself, you know, to help paint a clearer picture about who he really is. He described himself to me as "tallish, Canadian, educated and prone to asking a lot of questions". So I googled him. Here he is.
Canada's own, Alex Trebek, beloved host of Jeopardy? It now made perfect sense that he sent all his responses to me in the form of a question. Here goes...

1. Who the hell do you think you are?
I am a man of constant sorrow. I'm a little teapot. I'm every woman. I'm not ready to make nice. I'm the black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks. I got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack. I am woman, hear me roar.

2. Why did you start blogging and why won't you stop? For the love of everything we hold dear, why won't you stop?
I started blogging as a way to let my family know that I was still alive since it's so damned hard to pick up the phone. No. They don't care about me. I started blogging so I could tell my family about the kids and what they were up to without having to call and email pictures all the time. I am sloth, hear me sigh.

Then I realized that they weren't looking at the blog at all but I was enjoying writing and that little counter thingy kept climbing. I am a whore for attention, which is why I won't stop.

3. What's your favorite fruit?*
I'm partial to grapes that have been crushed and fermented. Aside from that, as long as it doesn't belong to the melon family and it has been peeled and diced and whatever else... basically set before me so I only have to eat it, I like that kind of fruit. Berries are good. Mangos. Did you know pineapples grow in the ground? Supreme Leader enjoys that one. We had our honeymoon in Maui. We were driving to the north side of the island one day and went through a pineapple plantation. I'm all like,"What's that?" and she's all, "Those are pineapples you fool. Where did you think they grew? In trees?" and I'm like "....." and she's like, "Did you really think they grew on trees?" and I was like, "I grew up in Canada! Pineapples come from Safeway." She's never let that one go. But really, you ever stop to think about where a pineapple comes from? Oh, and I hate durian. Anything that smells like a rotting corpse? Not so much. I like my corpses fresh.

(*I should point out, here that the Captain must have not understood my question. I actually asked him "What's your favorite music group?" He went into such detail about fruits that I didn't have the heart to tell him about his gaffe.)

4. Most embarrassing moment? (besides the fruit question above)
In the last hour? Since I got up this morning? You'll have to be more specific. Seriously, I have no embarrassing moments. Every last detail is carefully orchestrated. My life is synchronized like a NASA pre-launch routine, like an 80's Paula Abdul video, like... something Swiss. A watch or something. Bank maybe.

5. Besides 'Captain Dumbass' is there another nickname that personifies you?
Rapscallion.

It was at this point when I thanked the Captain for his time. I had all I needed. He shot me back an email and demanded that I continue the interview. I replied back to him telling him that this post is called The Five Spot for a reason. A few moments later, another email from him claiming that the exchange rate in Canada is higher than it is in the US now. My five questions would have to become ten.

Ladies, as tempting as the Captain may seem to you now, I’d hold off on map questing directions to his home. I mean, who doesn't love a guy who can wax poetic about a pineapple for like the longest paragraph ever? But remember, the Captain is married. He claims his wife, Supreme Leader, rules him with her pimp hand. I had to explain to him that this is concept would be lost on us Americans. You see, here, the much needed smack down and occasional waterboarding Supreme Leader uses are considered mere enhanced interrogation techniques.

6. Six words Supreme Leader would use to describe you.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid man!

7. What's the most masculine thing you've ever done?
Way back in the day I was out on my first horse back ride a my high school girlfriend. We were heading down this path that led into a steep ravine. Drop on one side, steep slope up the side of the mountain on the other. Something spooked my girlfriends horse, probably a rattlesnake, and it took off up the slope. Mine followed right behind it. As I was holding on for dear life I could see that her saddle was beginning to slide off and a fall in that situation would have been really bad. I kicked my horse into a faster run, caught the reins of her horse and stopped it. First and last time on a horse.

Oddly enough, when pressed for further details about this "mystery girl" and the horsey date, the Captain caved in, admitted he embellished the story and began sobbing like a baby. I was shocked because; a) I could actually hear him sobbing via email, and b) He falsified that story! Turns out he only was walking a dog with his cousin when a squirrel spooked them. He ended up running away and ditching the poor girl and her dog.

8. What's the most feminine thing you've ever done? Don't lie this time.
I got Supreme Leader a spa package for both of us on her last birthday. I had a pedicure. First and last time I'll have a pedicure. (Although, seriously, my feet looked fantastic the first time I wore sandals this year)

I fact checked this with Supreme Leader. Totally true, with one exception. He's had three pedicures since.

9. What other questions did you lie about? Feel free to rectify your answers here.
All of them. You've emailed the wrong person. I have no idea who this Captain Dumbass person is. Who's the dumbass now?

10. Describe your website in ten words or less.
People's evidence, exhibit A.

There you have it folks. If you like what you read here, and for some reason want to know more about a guy with an affinity for pedicures and pineapples, head on over to Us and Them. I promise you won't be disappointed. Well, not pinky-swear promise, but you know...

41 comments:

Ron said...

Oh those wacky Canadians, what will they say next?

Sherendipity said...

They don't grow in trees? Seriously?

Seriously Mama said...

Girl, you've got some serious funny there! My husband grew up in this here Town That Time Forgot. He didn't realize pineapples grew in trees either. I should have acknowledged the signs long ago...

Casey said...

I had no clue pineapples grew in the ground. Is that true? I'm going to Google it now to make sure. That dude has way too much to say about fruit.
Great interview, even if the Captain falsified the report!

Cameron said...

Canadian, eh? I see this Captain Dumbass posting comments on your blog regularly. He's on my list of blogs to read whilst on my travels.

Khadra said...

Im ashamed now to say I am Canadian as well. (transplanted to the south)

sigh....

Colepack said...

Coolest canadian I know. OK, the only canadian I know.....
Great interview! Wel, whacky interview and that makes it great.
You made my morning.
Pinapples..... thought they grew in tress next to bananas and cocunuts.

supreme leader said...

Sigh. I am a woman of constant sorrow.

Kat said...

Pedicures? Who knew. I didn't think they allowed Canadian men to get pedicures. I thought that was in "da rules".

Trish said...

Must be common. We first discovered that pineapples grow in the ground when we were on our honeymoon, too. I have no excuse. I'd even been to Hawaii once when I was a kid. But the growing habits of the pineapple had apparently escaped my notice at that time. There should totally be a pineapple tree!

Middle Aged Woman said...

Then who's the bald guy who occasionally shows up in pictures with the Captain's kids? I'm thinkin' pedophile!

Anndi said...

Only the very fortunate own polar bears... beavers however, that's another story.

Canadians know about pine cones, pineapples? Not so much.

Vodka Mom said...

That was VERY entertaining AND enlightening. I'm glad I had my coffee and croissant sitting here while i read. Thanks!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Dear Jenboglizzle,

Enjoyed Dumbass interview very much (being a smartass I occasionally like to hear the other side). Yes, I can confirm pineapples grow in the ground. I be Hawaiian and this fuct is programmed into my hard drive brah(It's pidgin, google that shit).

P.S. Am honored you put me in your stalking list. But I must point out that you forgot one impotent word in my name. "It's in my skin bitch!"(Hope you've seen Wild Hogs or else you'll just think I'm calling you names. Which may also still happen.)

Later HOOKER!

Tracy Lynn said...

I ♥ the Supreme Leader.

Chen,Shun-Chuan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tricia said...

Who can pass up pedicures and pineapples, eeh.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

First of all, I'm quite confused by shun chuan chen's comment. I admit, I didn't read it all the way through, because, damn. But it didn't seem to have anything to do with either Captain Dumbass or pineapples. Odd.

Also - you got a comment from Supreme Leader! Wow, she is my hero, and I want to know her secrets.

Finally, I love your 10 spot interview with my fave Canadian.

When the captain first started commenting on my blog I was all, "Whoa, someone's actually commenting on my blog."

And then I was all, "Hey, who is this guy that calls himself Captain of the Dumbasses?"

And then I started reading his blog, and found out about Supreme Leader and now I love the Captain almost as much as I love Mars Bars.

Which, as you know, is a lot.

Excellent interview, JenboG. You may have missed your journalistic calling. :)

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Oh, dangit, you removed Shun's comment. Now my comment doesn't make much sense. Not that they ever do.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Off to check him out...even though he didn't mention moose ONCE in his interview.

DeeMarie said...

I don't know who I envy more. You for getting to interview Captain, or him, for being featured in your 5 (10) Spot! I also knew nothing of the origin of pineapples. Great interview. Great post, as always!!!!!

mongoliangirl said...

OK. THAT is funny. I'm here by way of Sassy Mama Says and am so adding you to my blogroll and you had me at 'hello'...uh...I mean...you had me at the point at which I saw that kind of insane looking photo of you driving a car.

Sammanthia said...

I KNEW it! I thought he typed familiar, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Alex Trebek... sheesh. I should have guessed that.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Actually, Sammanthia, it's "Who IS Alex Trebeck?" But don't worry, I hear Captain Dumbass gives out lovely consolation prizes like "Head on! Apply directly to the forehead! Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!"

Rhea said...

Hilarious interview. You guys are both way too funny. Seriously too funny...so stop being funny, because it's too much!

Just kidding.

Loved this.

ali said...

I believe this interview would be people's evidence, exhibit B. Quick, delete! Delete!

Heinous said...

It's all as I suspected!

DeeMarie said...

Hey girlie!! I could give you a couple solid restaurant ideas for DC!! :)

And... I tagged you for a meme! :)

Me, You, or Ellie said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

Ellie

Supervised Mama said...

Seriously you crack me up!!

And oh yeah...tag you're it! Visit my blog to find out the details....

Trish said...

Shun Chun Chen (or whatever) apparently hit everyone on your "Blogs I Follow" list in your profile. If anyone cares, his ip address is 123-195-95-89.dynamic.kbronet.com.tw (that's 123.195.95.89) ... I wonder if we can ban an ip address from a nuisance spammer.

Trish said...

BTW - I even have word verification on my blog, and he still got me!

Ann said...

You are so-o-o #@$!%! talented that I can't make it through this post...
I need a break...
I'll be back after a refreshing beverage.

Lola said...

Aww, you deleted Chen? I had to give her a response. I saw that she came by way of you when I checked my SiteMeter. WTF, is that rambling nonesense going to everyone?

Oh, yeah, great interview. I love Canucks. I'm planning on heading to Canada on Nov. 5th if McCain wins, so maybe I will look he and the Pimp Hand up.

jen said...

i'm glad someone figured out that shun chuan chen thing...
'cause i was coming back here to thank you for his comment since i found out that he found me through you!!!
need a positive spin on that??
i had no idea how to delete comments until just now! thanks!

The Stiletto Mom said...

My original comment disappeared. And I wasn't even talking about the evils of the Communist Chinese government! Are you trying to tell me something Steenky? I was 27th and now I'm a super loser at 36th. Good thing I'm stalking you to keep up with this.... :)

Elle Charlie said...

Ditto about the wack with the pineapple growing in the ground?!

jerlyn said...

as Captain Dumbass's Mom, I know
the real truth!
l

Ringleader said...

Yeah- I though they grew on trees too. We think my 11yo might be Canadian because she has a birth mark on her armpit that looks just like a maple leaf... and she really likes syrup.

Pamela said...

What the beepity is durian? Is that some sort of Canadian kumquat that we Yankees (and by Yankees I mean Americans, not the baseball variety) know nothing about?

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