The Five Spot

I was chatting via email with one of my Canadian bloggy friends, Captain Dumbass, the other day and I asked him a few questions about his homeland. I mean, besides everyone owning a pet moose, free health care and polar bears, I didn't know much about our neighbor to the north. I asked the Captain if I could interview him for my Five Spot. I set up a translator and everything. I was later told that they speak English up there. Who knew?

I asked him to send a picture of himself, you know, to help paint a clearer picture about who he really is. He described himself to me as "tallish, Canadian, educated and prone to asking a lot of questions". So I googled him. Here he is.

Canada's own, Alex Trebek, beloved host of Jeopardy? It now made perfect sense that he sent all his responses to me in the form of a question. Here goes...

1. Who the hell do you think you are?
I am a man of constant sorrow. I'm a little teapot. I'm every woman. I'm not ready to make nice. I'm the black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks. I got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack. I am woman, hear me roar.

2. Why did you start blogging and why won't you stop? For the love of everything we hold dear, why won't you stop?
I started blogging as a way to let my family know that I was still alive since it's so damned hard to pick up the phone. No. They don't care about me. I started blogging so I could tell my family about the kids and what they were up to without having to call and email pictures all the time. I am sloth, hear me sigh.

Then I realized that they weren't looking at the blog at all but I was enjoying writing and that little counter thingy kept climbing. I am a whore for attention, which is why I won't stop.

3. What's your favorite fruit?*
I'm partial to grapes that have been crushed and fermented. Aside from that, as long as it doesn't belong to the melon family and it has been peeled and diced and whatever else... basically set before me so I only have to eat it, I like that kind of fruit. Berries are good. Mangos. Did you know pineapples grow in the ground? Supreme Leader enjoys that one. We had our honeymoon in Maui. We were driving to the north side of the island one day and went through a pineapple plantation. I'm all like,"What's that?" and she's all, "Those are pineapples you fool. Where did you think they grew? In trees?" and I'm like "....." and she's like, "Did you really think they grew on trees?" and I was like, "I grew up in Canada! Pineapples come from Safeway." She's never let that one go. But really, you ever stop to think about where a pineapple comes from? Oh, and I hate durian. Anything that smells like a rotting corpse? Not so much. I like my corpses fresh.

(*I should point out, here that the Captain must have not understood my question. I actually asked him "What's your favorite music group?" He went into such detail about fruits that I didn't have the heart to tell him about his gaffe.)

4. Most embarrassing moment? (besides the fruit question above)
In the last hour? Since I got up this morning? You'll have to be more specific. Seriously, I have no embarrassing moments. Every last detail is carefully orchestrated. My life is synchronized like a NASA pre-launch routine, like an 80's Paula Abdul video, like... something Swiss. A watch or something. Bank maybe.

5. Besides 'Captain Dumbass' is there another nickname that personifies you?
Rapscallion.

It was at this point when I thanked the Captain for his time. I had all I needed. He shot me back an email and demanded that I continue the interview. I replied back to him telling him that this post is called The Five Spot for a reason. A few moments later, another email from him claiming that the exchange rate in Canada is higher than it is in the US now. My five questions would have to become ten.

Ladies, as tempting as the Captain may seem to you now, I’d hold off on map questing directions to his home. I mean, who doesn't love a guy who can wax poetic about a pineapple for like the longest paragraph ever? But remember, the Captain is married. He claims his wife, Supreme Leader, rules him with her pimp hand. I had to explain to him that this is concept would be lost on us Americans. You see, here, the much needed smack down and occasional waterboarding Supreme Leader uses are considered mere enhanced interrogation techniques.

6. Six words Supreme Leader would use to describe you.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid man!

7. What's the most masculine thing you've ever done?

Way back in the day I was out on my first horse back ride a my high school girlfriend. We were heading down this path that led into a steep ravine. Drop on one side, steep slope up the side of the mountain on the other. Something spooked my girlfriends horse, probably a rattlesnake, and it took off up the slope. Mine followed right behind it. As I was holding on for dear life I could see that her saddle was beginning to slide off and a fall in that situation would have been really bad. I kicked my horse into a faster run, caught the reins of her horse and stopped it. First and last time on a horse.

Oddly enough, when pressed for further details about this "mystery girl" and the horsey date, the Captain caved in, admitted he embellished the story and began sobbing like a baby. I was shocked because; a) I could actually hear him sobbing via email, and b) He falsified that story! Turns out he only was walking a dog with his cousin when a squirrel spooked them. He ended up running away and ditching the poor girl and her dog.

8. What's the most feminine thing you've ever done? Don't lie this time.
I got Supreme Leader a spa package for both of us on her last birthday. I had a pedicure. First and last time I'll have a pedicure. (Although, seriously, my feet looked fantastic the first time I wore sandals this year)

I fact checked this with Supreme Leader. Totally true, with one exception. He's had three pedicures since.

9. What other questions did you lie about? Feel free to rectify your answers here.
All of them. You've emailed the wrong person. I have no idea who this Captain Dumbass person is. Who's the dumbass now?

10. Describe your website in ten words or less.
People's evidence, exhibit A.

There you have it folks. If you like what you read here, and for some reason want to know more about a guy with an affinity for pedicures and pineapples, head on over to Us and Them. I promise you won't be disappointed. Well, not pinky-swear promise, but you know...