July 1, 2008

Cough Syrup Makes Me Care About Coreys

I've been battling a cold recently. No biggie. But this weekend I over did it a little and wound up spending most of Sunday in a reclining position heavily sedated by cough syrup. Around 1:00 in the afternoon, I was surfing through the TV channels when I saw a listing on A&E titled The Coreys.

I'll admit, my heart jumped a little bit. I knew instantly that this program was about none other than the Haim and the Feldman. Goodie. Normally, I wouldn't have thought twice about this program, but I was intrigued on several levels. Let me to break them down for you:
  1. The Coreys was a biography program profiling the two 80's teen heart throbs. I'm a sucker for biographies. Especially the smut filled kind that would normally only take up 20 minutes of your time, but the programmers stretch that time by adding filler. You know, interviews with second grade teachers, second hand sightings by store clerks and other irrelevant figures that may or may not have been in the central character's life.
  2. It was on A&E. It had to be sort of highbrow didn't it? *Spoiler Alert* It so wasn't.
  3. Remember The Randoms? Do you recall my brief encounter with me and Jeremy's soul mate couple? They were highly interested in Corey Feldman. If I could glean enough information from this program I could use that to woo The Randoms into a double date. That is if our paths ever crossed again.
  4. I have met Corey Haim. Yes, it's true. I had a brush with celebrity greatness just as his greatness was tainting a bit. In order to keep you hanging on a little longer, I'm not going to spill this story just quite yet. But know that my story involves traveling great distances, awkward silences, smelly socks and Doritos. That ought to keep you on the edges of your seats.

So I'm guessing right about now, all you readers out there under 26 there are wondering 'Who is Corey Haim and Corey Feldman?' My readership above that age are asking 'Which one is the Haim and which one is Feldman?' The only exception is Julee. She is probably sitting in stunned silence, no wait, she would be shrieking OUT LOUD, at the thought that someone doesn't know the difference between these two, let alone, who the hell they are.

To keep this post under 2000 words, I'll show you pictures of the Coreys.

Corey Haim circa 1980s


Corey Haim circa now


Corey Feldman circa 1980s


Corey Feldman circa now


Can you guess which one can't get his life together and off the drugs? If you guess the Haim, then you would be correct-amundo.

Now that we're straight on that, my cough syrup induced (over the counter formula) and weakened state allowed me to watch not only the hour plus long biography program that mostly just showed clips from Lost Boys and the Haim hanging out with Alissa Milano, it also enabled me to watch three full hours of their reality show The Two Coreys.

Those are four hours that I will never see again folks, and I'm not even sad about it one bit. Looking back on it the next day, I was a little embarrassed that I wasted so much time on the Coreys, but when I phoned Julee and confessed, I detected a high level of jealousy in her voice so I knew I had made the right four hour decision.

During those hours, as I said, I was in a hallucinogenic state. I thought the television I was watching was absolutely mind blowing. I couldn't believe I was seeing the Coreys as they were today and how their lives had taken such different trajectories. I could see clearly (with the aid of cough syrup) why they misunderstood each other so much. The Haim was guarded and insecure. He just wants his life back. The Feldman has moved on a bit. He's married, organized and has things going for him. They have jealousy issues with each other and just want the magic of the 80s back in their lives. These two are in couples counseling for heck sakes! (BTW: neither of the Coreys ever said 'heck sakes' as far as I know.)

Now, remember when I said that I met Corey Haim? I've always kind of laughed off this story and made a little fun of him while at it. I now sort of feel guilty doing so. Here's why. He's incredibly insecure and I don't think he's had control of his own life ever.

When I was a junior in high school (1989), my Uncle Kit (casting director) was in town working on a film starring the Haim. At this time, Corey was a little past his prime, but only by about two years. My Uncle asked if I wanted to meet him. I said sure. My Uncle was so excited to fulfill, what he thought, was a dream of mine. It really wasn't, but I so appreciated the gesture. I took along a friend for moral support.

Corey was staying in a rented condo in Park City and Kit took us to his unit during one of Corey's breaks in shooting. Corey was chatty with Kit since they knew each other. He never really engaged me or my friend much besides asking us if we 'wanted in on some of his Cool Ranch Doritos action'. (that was verbatim) I remember Corey being really fidgety and just kind of amped up. He kept putting his feet up on the coffee table and them taking them down and tapping on his knee like a drum. His socks were filthy, dirty, filthy (it needed to be said twice) and the entire condo either smelled like Cool Ranch Doritos or Corey's feet. Maybe both.

We stayed a total of about 30 minutes. He kept calling me Jan. I thought he was such a dick. But kind of dreamy in a way.

After watching The Two Coreys, I realize Haim had suffered some pretty bad personal stuff and was battling depression and drug dependency back then. We didn't fawn all over him and his snack food of choice so we probably ticked him off. He was used to seeing beautiful women and I just had the frizziest hair ever. He knew his career was ending too. All of this makes me sad, but not necessarily in that order. (I would say my frizzy hair ranks number 1 or 2 on the list. It was seriously bad, yo.)

Also, after watching The Two Coreys, I realize that I have watched too much reality television in my past. The home that the Haim is staying in is a home that was flipped a few years ago on Flip This House. I instantly recognized it. Jeremy thinks it's amazing that I know that. I think it's sad.

Anyway, as I write this, I feel a little weepy and like I need to write the Haim a letter to let him know that I hope all goes well for him and his Hollywood comeback. Everyone deserves a second chance right? He has no one but himself to blame, but I saw pain on his face. Albeit, edited through post production and coupled with carefully selected soundtrack pain, but it was still pain and longing to be loved again. There's that and the fact that I'm still heavily medicated on my cough syrup.

Stay tuned. Tomorrow night, I'm planning to take a lot of Tums and watch a Beverly Hills 90210 Reunion Show. Who knows? Maybe I'll change my perceptions about that bitch Kelly Taylor. Not likely.

**UPDATE** I just read on Gawker that most of this "reality" show is filmed in Toronto, not Hollywood. What? They specifically give you the impression that they are in California. I was duped! Only now I need to figure out if I was duped by my cough suppressant or by clever editing. Blerg.

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