April 14, 2009

What Happens When You Meet Me

Before we left for our Moab trip last week, one of my favorite bloggers, Green Jello (GJ) at May You Lead An Interesting Life and a local gal to boot, emailed me to say that she would also be vacationing in Moab at the same time. Holla! We traded phone numbers, departure times and lodging information. If the sun, moon and Jeep Safari trails all aligned, GJ and I would surely meet face to face.

Thursday afternoon GJ texts me to let me know she’s only 30 minutes outside of town. Me? Why, I’m at a small dive arcade with two small children, the eldest of which screaming “Fiery Fist of Pain!” because he spies a run down roller coaster outside. Rather than expose GJ to that, I offer to meet her in a drug store parking lot because I’m classy like that.

GJ kindly insists to meet up at the arcade since her children might find it mildly entertaining. I warn her with buzz words like “lame” and “salmonella poisoning” but do not go so far as to mention the dead cockroach in the women’s bathroom or the “Play at your own risk! NO REFUNDS!” signs hanging about. I also decide against telling her about the hi-hop dance tutorial DVD that the teens tending the arcade are pretending not to watch every time I re-enter the lobby. That spectacle will be a nice little surprise for her.

I’ve always pictured what it would be like to meet my very first blogger face to face. I imagined that I would spend hours obsessing on what I should wear. I would apply extra shine elixir to my hair and maybe even splurge on a festive mani-pedi for the occasion. I would breeze through the doors at the Starbucks where we have arranged to meet and the whoosh of the double doors would create a small breeze that would blow my hair back dramatically. Of course the sun would graze my face in such a way so that my Bare Minerals foundation would do its job and make my skin appear flawless. All of this, of course, happening simultaneously as music from a cool new band that no one’s even heard of yet is piped through the speakers.

How. It. Really. Went. Down.

I’m in the women’s bathroom arcade, the one with a lock on the outside of the door, not the inside with my two children. I’m bent over desperately trying to pry my four-year old and 18-month old off the floor and shouting things like, “Don’t touch!” and “Mama’s gonna lose it!” because both children are trying to touch a dead cockroach that has gone belly up, literally. This is the fourth trip to bathroom because both kids were fixated on the dead insect. (I always thought cockroaches were indestructible.) I know people outside the bathroom can hear me because I can hear them “working” and practicing their righteous dance grooves.

I say “working” because all those damn kids did while we were there was stare at their iPod Touches, practice hip-hop moves and suggest that I drag myself, and my two kids to the McDonald’s next door to retrieve coins because the arcade, that houses machines that run on quarters, had only 75 cents in their till.

I kick open the bathroom door and my purple flip flop goes sailing into the air. There is no breeze, no sunlight, just the sound of my four-year old yelling “I DON’T WASH MY HANDS! EVAAAAH!” echoing throughout the arcade.

I see a semi-familiar face standing in front of me and I loudly squeal, “Green Jello!” and limp on my one flip flop to bear hug her in the hopes that my raised voice and intrusion of her personal space will distract her from noticing my nappy hair with unkempt roots and stained track pants. Again, classy.

I’ll never know if my distraction worked because within the first two minutes of meeting GJ, her delightful husband and awesomely adorable daughter, I made sure to point out the dead insect, my overgrown roots and my face sans Bare Minerals OR any trace of lip gloss. Gah!

I’m sure the rest of our meeting was just a slice of heaven for GJ. I mean who wouldn’t just love standing around and watching my children go up and down a playground slide, bang their fists on an aluminum door and shout, “Look what I can do!” as they begin kicking their feet on the same aluminum door.

Although our meeting was brief, I’m sure I’ve made a life-long friend in GJ. Of this I am confident, even given the fact that just a few hours later I barraged her with a string of text messages where I did all of the following:


  • Accidentally called her an ass
  • Invited her to “my place”
  • Uninvited her to “my place” because that sounded sort of skeezy
  • Re-invited her to my place solely for the purpose of showing her my freshly washed AND conditioned hair going so far as to hint at the possibility that she could smell my fresh hair if she were so inclined
  • Bragged to her about my hair now being shiny and full of bounce
  • Apologized for being braggy about my shiny, bouncy hair
Our two-hour texting frenzy ended when I asked GJ and her family to come over and watch 27 Dresses on HBO in the dark because my husband and children had fallen asleep and would kill me dead, or at the very least, harshly mock me if I woke them. Wisely, she responded to my request with “No habla.”

48 comments:

Wicked Step Mom said...

How could she pass up 27 dresses, in the dark with you? That's like the worst sin on the planet.

Becky said...

Hilarious blogdate! I guess she'll have to wait to experience that bouncy, braggy hair.

Jess said...

How fun is THAT??!? Fun, I say! New people meeting is great! Hummm, I love arcades...

GreenJello said...

Wow, what a perfect description of our meeting! :)

Eres una ramera me encantas.

Jenni said...

I can only hope, should we ever meet, that you wash your hair and call me an ass. Perfection

Sammanthia said...

I would walk 5,000 miles just to watch 27 Dresses with you. Just sayin'.

HeatherPride said...

Sounds like you made quite an impression! I'm sure you came across "enthusiastic" and totally not "needs meds" - no worries.

Carolyn...Online said...

You know they pipe freebased cocaine smoke into those arcades to make the kids extraspecially crazy. You can't be blamed.

Ali said...

Moab sounds really cool!

Lisa Brandos said...

My best blogger friend, ChurchPunkMom over at http://myembellishedtruth.blogspot.com, was already an IRL friend. Thank GAWD! I don't know how I'd do meeting any of you with my 3yo constantly asking me inappropriate questions such as, "Mommy, what's a bitch?", and saying such adorable things, such as, "Mommy, you should clean the kitchen." or telling everyone within earshot that she tooted or burped and laughing hysterically about it and trying to do it again.

I live a charmed, proper life. What can I say?

Cameron said...

Ironically, I read GJ's recollection of your meeting earlier, and my only question was, "Did the steenkster let you touch her hair?"

Hey, I am REALLY REALLY glad you're back in full bloggy force. If you're ever in Central Illinois (who the hell goes to Central Illinois?) you can come watch tv at our place, even if the kids are asleep.

Kelly said...

i can't wait to meet my first blogger! i just hope it's as glamourous and classy as your experience!

blissfully caffeinated said...

Oh dear, Spider Monkey. I have a feeling that you and the kids were utterly charming, even with dirty hair, cockroach hands and the stench of cheap arcade clinging to your track pants.

P.S. That Bare Minerals really works? It always looks so cakey in the infomercials.

Kelly said...

Very much, I'm guessing it would be similar to meet me. I'm not glam at all.

You sound great!

Miss Grace said...

I'm jealous! I want to smell your shiny bouncy hair.

Wait. Was that creepy?

Do you not want to meet me now?

Shit.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Where is Moab?

Dr Zibbs said...

"Accidently called her an ass"

Nice.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Oh, thank you so much for making me smile this morning. And it's 11:59 so it's still morning.
Funny, when I breeze through a Starbucks door, it usually slaps me in the ass.

Dana's Brain said...

Best real-life meets blog life experience, evah! (Except for the dead cockroach)

Cakelet said...

It had never occured to me to want to smell your hair before. But now? After this post? All I want to do is smell your hair. Thanks for that, really, 'cuz I just needed one more thing to obsess about. Now I'm good.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Sounds like a good time (minus the bug). Goin again next year?

Captain Dumbass said...

I saw the very end of 27 Dresses while getting a pedi with Supreme Leader. I feel comfortable telling you this since you're such a good person I know you'd keep it our little secret.

Who has 27 friends the same size as them ?

Sherendipity said...

How am I going to top a meet and greet like that? What, you didn't know we were going to meet? Ya, you remember....we talked about it....you going to the grocery store, and me accidentally bumping into you buying milk. And I'm all, "Zomg!! you buy your milk here, too?" and neither one of us mentions that I have to go out of state to buy my milk. Or out of country. You know...'cause it's an accidental meeting.

Bee (the one who muses) said...

Jen! How are you ever going to lure me into meeting you in July if you speak of dead roaches?? They make my skin crawl in ways that should be outlawed!

I also have a fear of commitment so there you have it.

ChurchPunkMom said...

I totally would have watched 27 Dresses in the dark with you.. though, you probably would have kicked me out for laughing too loud.

Jus' sayin'.

Can I smell your hair?? I don't mind if you call me an ass...

Connie Weiss said...

Now I want to meet you even more....

Ms. Salti said...

I'm glad you two met up. Too bad it was the polar opposite of what you had envisioned. How was the Jeep Safari? I miss going down there for that!

DeeMarie said...

Totally jealous of her... Beyond jealous.

I guess it was the week for blogger meet-ups!!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I'm laughing my tired butt off at the flip flop moment and the "i don't wash my hands evvahh!"

Too freakin' funny. And I recently discovered Green Jello (or rather she discovered me) love her.

Sounds like it was a fun time!

Kat said...

You sound like you are a dream to visit! LOL!

Sassypants Wifey said...

Swoon, I too tend to call people asses inadvertantly upon meeting them for the first time. I make ass-tacular first impressions. It is really a shock to me that I can say I have friends who agreed to see me after inital introductions. I suppose crazy attracts crazy, I am sure my bestie would agree to that. I hope you are still planning a trek to Estes, cause really I have my heart set on meeting you and maybe getting the chance to accidently insult you!

Khadra said...

"look what I can do" is a line that should be banned! lol!

Sass said...

I may have fallen in love with you a little bit just now.

I hope that's okay.

This was so stinking hilarious!

;)

Peggy said...

That sounds like so much fun? Where was the hubs while you had to hang at the creepy arcade? What else is there to do in Moab? Jealous you got to meet GJ!!

shopgirl said...

Oh Steenky Bee - how could anyone pass up a meeting with you? And right now? - every commercial on my tv is advertising UTAH. Coincidence? I think not!

Jamie said...

Next time I venture to Utah -
I want to meet you
so I can kick you in the knee and steal your fry sauce recipe.

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Where can I get a pair of purple flip flops???!!! I've always wanted some.

♥ Braja said...

Ahhh, memorable :)

Bex said...

it sounds like you guys got along swimmingly!

Pamela said...

i wouldn't watch 27 Dresses in the dark with a naked george clooney. that movie is suckier than cockroaches, dead or alive.

and also? if you just make it a point to call everyone an ass it won't be such a big deal when you forget and accidentally call someone an ass. because, hello, i call everyone an ass, so it was totally on purpose, yo.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Oh steenky, you crack me up!

I'm sure GJ was more than thrilled to have met you in person and enjoyed you and your children's company for a few hours.

I think you crossed the line when you called her an ass via text then invited her over to "your place"....I know you meant it more spazzy than creepy.

mrsbear said...

Sounds like a fabulous first date to me. She did say she'd call you right? Just take it sloooow. You are really the best kind of nut job. I'm trying not to wake the kids with my giggles, how am I supposed to keep it together with flip-flops soaring through the air?

Casey said...

I found out that you and GJ were tight and I somehow knew it already after your introductory HASAY comments at her place.

Glad you guys had a meetup and that nobody fell in any holes in any rocks or anything like that.

FL bloggers meetup in August. You in? I'll let you borrow my FL ID.

ladibug said...

Too bad we didn't meet anyone as cool (is that still a word?) as u when we lived in good ol' Utah, maybe my family would have stayed longer than 8 MONTHS. Then I wouldn't be made fun of daily for my Yankee accent here in NC. Come to think of it, they made fun of me there too.....Oh well, hope your trip was great (totally jealous)

Kym said...

That was wonderful...thanks for the laugh...sounds like something that would happen to me!

for a different kind of girl said...

I once met a man at a car wash parking lot. Oh, it gets better! The car wash was near a hog processing plant, and both were located on the edge of a scary town where the stench of hog death hung heavy in the air on this particular evening when said arrangement for meeting was carried out.

Oh, never fear, though. I was totally dating the guy at the time.

Or was I?

(I totally was)

And get this! A few months later, said dude broke up with me via phone!! I can promise you that if there was a texting plan in play - or if he had had a job at the time and a cell phone he could pay for - whatever - he'd have texted me to do the dumping. In retrospect, there seems to be something oddly poetic about how I hooked up with him and then how he dumped me, but it seems like too much to get into here.

Suffice to say, if we ever met, you'd probably pull one of those "Huh. I guess I didn't see you or any other woman walking around and looking for me, perhaps calling out my name. Weird. Maybe next time!" Why? Because after al this, I really, really, really think I have put off a little bit of the creepy vibe....

;)

Paula aka. Zani said...

You are too funny! That was hysterical.. truly. LOL

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

ROTFLMAO!!! Sorry, I'm laughing way too hard to have a clear thought to leave a concise comment... I just hope, should I ever have the honor of meeting any bloggy friends in real life that the meeting is as fun(ny) as yours was with GJ! ;)