November 24, 2008

Fattie: Week 6 Money Can't Buy Skinny, But Sometimes It Can Buy The Truth

Here's my HASAY update for Week 6 of our HASAY Challenge. It's got it all; mystery, drama, workout equipment. What more could you ask for?

Sunday afternoon, Jeremy hollered from the basement that he would like to see everyone downstairs immediately for a family meeting. Now, in our home, Steenky family meetings are only called on two occasions; 1) One of us is in trouble (it's usually a toss up between me and Henry), or 2) We need to decide what toppings to order on our pizza. Since we had just eaten pizza the night before, I knew it certainly wasn’t about my choice of pepperoni or olives.

I looked at Henry, he was panicked. Nothing makes him more nervous than one of our family meetings. You see, Jeremy’s a master at interrogation. He knows just what buttons to push and knows each of our weaknesses. As a matter of fact, a few weeks ago Henry ratted me out in exchange for a handful of Tootsie Rolls. My crime? Leaving the back door unlocked. However, as long as we’re being honest, let me confess that only days before that, I pinned the mysterious stain on the hallway rug on Henry in order to secure myself a new pair of Steve Madden shoes.

Was it Henry that actually caused the stain or was it Reese? We might never know. But one thing I do know for sure, those Maddens get me dozens of compliments every time I wear them. They were so worth it.

Being the protective mom that I am, I kissed Henry on the head and then urged to him to save himself. "Run! You don’t need to be a part of this,” I pleaded with him desperately.

Henners did as I instructed and bolted up the stairs in the direction of his room. I knew it was better this way. Henry would be safe from Jeremy's intense interrogation. Also, I’m pretty sure I saw Jeremy sifting through the candy jar just before he called our meeting. I’m no dummy. He was planning to use our son’s sweet tooth against me. NOT THIS TIME.

That left just me and Reese to fend for ourselves under Jeremy’s scrutiny. Although Reese is only 13 months old, I feel like I could trust her. I know she’d never turn on me in a stressful situation like her brother would. Well, not only that, but being as young as she is, she doesn’t have a strong enough vocabulary to tattle. Barring the unforeseen circumstance with a “kiki” (kitty) or “brah” (Henry), I figured on this event, I was home free.

Reese and I sauntered downstairs to the basement to face Jeremy and his emergency Steenky family meeting. We were greeted with Jeremy’s angry face.

You should know he doesn’t just throw that face out there unless he’s really upset about something. I knew he was all sorts of riled up.

Jeremy then asked each of us if there was anything that Reese or I had done recently that either of us weren’t exactly proud of. So guilt was his game now, huh? He should know better than that. How does he not know after all these years that I have a weak moral code? I mean, he was right there when I bought those Steve Maddens on his credit card. That was a moment I was definitely proud of.

Just like we had rehearsed several times before, Reese and I gave Jeremy our innocent face. See how we remain loyal to each other even under the intense pressure of Jeremy's angry face?


When he wasn't getting the answers he was looking for, Jeremy decided to shift tactics. (How was he not picking up on my subtle hints?)

Jeremy: Jen, honey, you are looking so good lately. How much weight do you think you’ve lost on that HASAY thing you’re involved in?

I suddenly felt myself blush. I HAD lost weight. I was flattered that my husband had noticed.

Me: Well, I think I may have lost six, maybe seven pounds tops. *hair tossing* Really? You think I look good?
Jeremy: Oh, most definitely!
Me: *more hair tossing* Stop. *giggling* Don’t stop.
Jeremy: Tell me, what have you been doing to lose the weight, Sweetheart?
Me: *grinning* Um, just some free weights with a little light cardio mixed in. Mostly I just run on the treadmill.
Jeremy: *walking over to the treadmill* This treadmill?
Me: *huge gulp* Um, yeah, I guess.

The big gulp, that I’m sure could be heard across the room, was because I knew the jig was up. Within an instant, Jeremy pulled back the drapes, revealing a huge hole near the base of the wall. He pointed directly at it as he asked me several times if I knew anything about the hole in the wall. He noted that the hole was the same height as the track on the treadmill and conveniently about the same diameter as my foot.

Again, I tried to blame the hole on our infant daughter, but she gave Jeremy one of her arresting smiles.

Oh, you may have won this round, little girl, but I have plenty of dirt on you for the future. Just wait until your daddy finds the pile of Cheerios you dumped out on his side of the bed. You’ll get yours Reesie, you’ll get yours.

It seems Jeremy had used flattery to get me this time and I never saw it coming. After much coaxing and the promise that he would buy me something pretty if I confessed my crime, I gave in. I recounted the entire sordid event; my faulty footing, my embarrassing fall, my liberal use of houseplants to cover the unsightly hole until I could make it to Target to purchase floor length drapes to cover up my mistake.

Jeremy then walked over to me and gave me a big hug. “Thanks for telling me the truth,” he said as kissed my head. He then went on to explain that I should consider those new drapes as my “something pretty” this time around.

I smiled and nodded, knowing he was right. I then casually mentioned that he looked tired and should go upstairs and lie down in bed and take a little nap. Reluctantly, he agreed. Before he went upstairs he called back over his shoulder, “You did the right thing, Honey.”

Oh, I know I did the right thing. In a few minutes, Jeremy would “accidentally” come across the mound of breakfast cereal in our bed. All I had to do was act just as confused as Jeremy would undoubtedly be and sit through another family meeting. Of course, I’d eventually implicate Reese but not before I earned those yummy silver hoop earrings that I’ve been eyeing.

Not sure what HASAY is? Click here.
Want to see my other HASAY updates? Click here.

60 comments:

steenky bee said...

Totally first! You people are lazy!!

DeeMarie said...

First- Because Steenky doesn't count if it's her own post!!!

steenky bee said...

Oh yes it does, Cookie.

Lisa said...

Is that some guilt trip? 1 person cared enough to write? And to find out that that person who cared was actually yourself?

THEN you try to insult us into writing by telling us how lazy it is NOT TO write????

FORSHAME.

THENNNN you try to make us further neglect our kids by staying on your bloggy butt to make sure we see your post as soon as we refresh in teh hopes of getting that first that you, through some kind of insider trading, keep getting?

FORSHAMMMMMMEEEEEE


(I call second)

Lisa said...

4th?!?!?!

wtf?!?!?!?!

?!?!

Laufa said...

That's easier to fix than the hole my hubby put in the wall with his booty-like 2ft wide. He was wrestling with my cousin, somehow his butt was lifted in air and put into the wall.
At least your confessed!!!

mommypie said...

I'm still picturing a 13 month old sauntering down stairs.

Heh.

HarryJack's Mom said...

You people and your sick little games ;-) Jen, I seriously need you on a consultant contract to get me out of the trouble I find. I am never creative enough to get earrings or drapes! Happy working out - congrats on the loss - you go, girl!

DeeMarie said...

Sorry, my love. I was first... in everything that's good pure and noble in the world. And if you don't agree, you had better start planning your speech, because I'll be coming to the next Steenky Family Meeting!! :)
Congrats on the poundage drop!!!

Sprite's Keeper said...

Ooh, I wanna cookie! Dee, would you mind a little nibble?
Jen, how could you be so callous to show a picture of Reese's cheekses when I'm trying to diet? NOM!
Jeremy is a great investigator. I would have caved at "Family Meeting".

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I have that same sort of whole behind my treadmill...but unfortunatly no window to hang long curtains to cover it up. So I just blame it on the kids.

HeatherPride said...

You should have totally played the sympathy card and worn one of those huge boot/cast thingys on your foot. Who could possibly stay mad at someone who nearly loses a foot in the quest for HASAY??

Tina said...

I'm so glad you blame stuff on your kids. Whenever I did that, Yes,Dear would say, "You don't blame your KIDS for something you did! What kind of parent DOES that?"

Now I can show him...

Heather said...

Wow! Your husband noticed weight loss? Where can I get one of those...oh, yeah...in about 4 months! :)

Krystal said...

OMG! I couldn't get away with that in my house if I even tried! Everything is my fault (it usually is) except for those weird stains on the carpet that resemble little droplets of grape juice, soda, milk, etc. That is definately not me! That is the kids throwing their bottles all wily nilly over the carpet and not bothering to pick them up! The rest I admit is my fault (of course after I have not been able to pin it on the kids of course)

The Stiletto Mom said...

I am in the top 20. I consider that some type of personal victory people!

Good lord...how tall is Jeremy? You can really tell in those pictures, he looks as tall as the airmoire! Also, Reesie deserves whatever she gets...throwing out that cute grin just when Jeremy was turning up the heat. That little girl knows what she is doing!

Lisa said...

Boy I wish I ahd shelves all neat and tidy at my house with vase/ jugs on them. My low shelves have crap CRAMMED in them from donavan pulling it apart and me shoving it in.

Arnt you plucky.

Mama Dawg said...

You cheat.

You've really lost weight? Congrats!

Jeremy's angry face would just make me laugh. Reese's face would make me laugh harder.

Casey said...

Oh my gooseness woman, you guys sure play for keeps up there in Utah. I'm proud of you for letting Henry off the hook but really? You're going to nark on Reese? I think I need to see these earrings to see if they're worth the guilt.
And I'm very proud of you for keeping at it, even if you're using drywall as part of your resistance training. Goooooooooo HASAY!

Robin said...

OMG. Those sweet lil cheeks! Girl, you need to use that beautiful child to your advantage a helluva lot more often. You could get away with murder and just hold up that face when you're pleading for your life.... Officer, she made me do it! You'd be let off every time. Gah-run-teed.

Captain Dumbass said...

I should be prepping the bathroom walls for painting.

Heinous said...

He's got to work on the angry face. I'm just not feeling it here....

fairyflutters said...

That's hilarious! You're writing and pictures is a hoot.

Keep up the good work. Kick that damn wall!

Jonny's Mommy said...

You're kicking in walls to lose weight?

How can the rest of us losers compete.

I'm totally out now.

:-(

Khadra said...

um, really? your foot is ok after kicking the wall?!

goodfather said...

I read 'family meeting' and instantly searched for 'throw under the bus'. You didn't say, but you did it. With style. ;)

Chris Wood said...

The intrigue! Machiavelli could've taken your correspondence course.

Frankly, anyone using a treadmill who only gets a hole in the wall is damn lucky. Be careful with that, next time it may be a lot more serious.

Very funny post.

goodfather said...

Whoops! I neglected my official HASAY male cheerleading responsiblities:

CONGRATS ON LOSING 7 POUNDS!! YAYYYYY!!!

Debbie said...

I have GOT to stop reading your posts at work. People are beginning to worry about these (what appear to be) random snorts of laughter.

Seven pounds is awesome! I'd knock down a wall for seven pounds!!!!

PAPATV said...

When my dad used to find holes in our walls and proceed to show us...us kids would always have the same reaction:

"Hmmmm...That's so weird"........

Michele said...

You learn fast Grasshopper. Blaming your children for your mistakes is the first sign of master parent.

Congrats on the 7 pounds!

Pamela said...

hooker.

Sammanthia said...

I keep blaming our computer problems on Runescape, but I'm pretty sure it's all the porn I accidently downloaded the other day while searching for a new header.

Momma Trish said...

See, this is why you're all kinds of awesomesauce. Comment whoring your own post to be first. Awesomesauce indeed!

I love your little girl's smile. What a sweetie! I'm assuming she smiled sweetly, and Jeremy became convinced that he himself had inadvertently left the Cheerios in the bed. But I hope you get your pretty earrings anyway.

Good for you, losing weight! I need to shed some serious poundage, but lack time for exercise and proper meal planning until after my looming exam. 'Til then, I shall content myself with cheering you on from the sidelines.

WAY TO GO, STEENKY BEE!!!

jen said...

blamin' it on the baby ... wow ... stooping to a whole new low.

and for the record ... your rainbow jello looked a hellofalot prettier than mine.

is it the camera angle? or were your layers really that perfect and clear. i was all proud of mine until you made me stumble across yours. now i just feel like crap. thanks.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Beauty is pain and destruction...the walls of your home should be thankful you are't using free weights...

Miss Grace said...

What I'm really searching for is the live-action video of the fall/wall break.

Congrats on the weight loss though!

Vodka Mom said...

what damn time do you people get up????? And, get your ass over here, I found your damn 7 pounds.

Lawyer Mom said...

That's the most arresting smile ever.

beth said...

The old saying, "your walls have to suffer a little pain to be beutiful" really applies to this story.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

That hole is a small price to pay for losing six or seven pounds!

He seriously needs to re-prioritize!

for a different kind of girl said...

Let me see if I have this straight:

1. You are married to a man who notices you've lost weight.

2. You are married to a man who has a calm demeanor in the face of adversity.

3. You are married to a man who promises you pretty things even when he's laying the law down and getting your confession?

Jeremy is awesome! I imagine he'll miss you a ton when we run away together.

Katie said...

So did the hole get there from you falling from the treadmill and kicking the wall? The mental image of that is really funny!

Congrats on the weight loss!!

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Hee-larious. The only time I ever flew off the back of a treadmill it was at the gym. I just knocked a lady in a step class off her step. Boy wasn't she surprised.

Yaya said...

Haha! That is so funny!!!!!

Keely said...

No post about how you MADE that hole? C'mon, your pain and suffering is blog gold.

Jennifer said...

Hey--congrats on losing the weight! I gladly kick a hole in my wall if it would help me lose 6-7 pounds!

Your lttle girl--OMG what a smile!!

Colepack said...

Hee hee
Glad to know someone else sucks on the treadmill like me!!

April said...

your pictures are great. i love your blog... (shameless sucking up is allowed, right?)

mrsbear said...

So what's a little drywall in the grand scheme of things if that's what it takes to shed some pounds.

jeweledrabbit said...

What's the big deal about a little hole in the wall? At least you covered it up.

Lola said...

As soon as he pointed out the wall, you should have spun around and said, "But look at this ass, honey!"

Oh, and his mean face really does need some work.

Red Cup Mom said...

Hahahahaha!!!!! Reesie's grin rocks too.

And we just got a treadmill last night. No kidding. Your wall evidence was the evidence I needed to tell huz not to put the treadmill so close to the steps so when I flail at least I won't get hurt. I have demanded that he put it in the middle of the room now!

Good job on the 6 or 7 lbs!!! Wow!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Why did you cover up my peep hole??!! Damn you Steenky Bee!

Cameron said...

LAST - take that you 'quick-on-the-draw' people.

steenky - I can't believe you'd throw your children under the bus like that....well, yeah, I guess I can believe that. Need I say again...

LAST, suckas.

Ali said...

i totally try to blame everything on my children. it NEVER works.

Cat said...

Damn, the holes in the wall GET ME EVERY TIME.

FIRST! INAPROPRIATE USE OF ALL CAPS! LETTING ONE RIP!

blissfully caffeinated said...

Your innocent face is very convincing. I can see why you got off on those phone misuse charges.

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