July 9, 2008

Pants Off Dance Off Face Off (PODOFO)

Last week at work, DURING LUNCH HOURS, (I have to stress that just in case my co-workers are lurking on this blog), two other co-workers had themselves a little dance off. This event was talked about, planned and basically choreographed days earlier. What? You think these things come off successfully if handled spontaneously? I have NEVER seen a successful dance off that wasn’t planned well in advanced.

The PODOFO Competitors:
Scott (or as we affectionately call him, Buckner): Buckner loves art, not moving to New York and house hunting. He is often spotted in acid wash jeans, pointy shoes and Members Only jackets for purely ironic purposes.

Roslin (Rozzie or Roz): Roz loves me, Cole and Brady. She doesn’t like making decisions and has employed me as her life coach. She is honest and open, but isn’t honestly open about her lack of rhythm or timing when it comes to shaking her groove thing.

The PODOFO Rules:

  1. This event would be forever known as the Pants Off Dance Off Face Off or PODOFO.
  2. Buckner drew the short straw and would dance first.
  3. Roz would try her best to emulate the wicked moves that Scott initially laid down. (As you will see below, she tried, oh, how she tried, but white girl ain’t got no rhythm. In fact, if George Michael were to write a song about Rozzie, I’m fairly confident the words, 'Guilty feet have got no rhythm,' would appear in the lyrics.)
  4. There would be no music. The participants would only use their internal rhythms to use as a beat. Again, Rozzie was at an extreme disadvantage here. Both contestants agreed on the no music thing and both also agreed that Roz would be at a handicap rhythm-wise.
  5. There was to be no swearing. Neither contestant agreed to this. (Note: although their feet and hands were a flyin’ during the PODOFO, the swears weren’t)

The PODOFO Scoring Criteria:
Competitors of the PODOFO would be judged on the following criteria: Technical Merit (difficulty of move, technique and rhythm) and Artistic Merit (showmanship, flair and absence of WMOB – white man over bite.)

The PODOFO Begins:
Roslin must not have been paying close attention to the rules, because she pre-empted Buckner’s turn and immediately jumped into his arms. Apparently the whole Dance OFF portion of the competition was lost on her. She thought they would be dancing together. Nice try. Even nicer stall tactic. As we say in the dancing biz, Roz had successfully ‘iced’ Scott. He was stunned and totally off his game. This, however, did not affect her score.

Because of this, Buckner was a little rattled and didn’t start off the competition as aggressively as he had hoped. He picked the Roger Rabbit, an entry-level move at best, to set the tone of the PODOFO.

Roz tried her hardest. She really did. She eventually resorted to just clapping her hands and smiling.

Oh, I should insert at this point that the photos taken at the PODOFO are quite blurry. The dancers were so quick and agile that my camera phone sometimes only picked up blurs.

Next, Buckner moved on to the ever standard Sprinkler move.

Roslin countered with The Beach Towel move.

Both PODOFO competitors needed to slow it down a bit as they were both becoming visibly winded. They each agreed to dance in Robot Style moves as a little breather.

Buckner breached the rules a bit by morphing his Robot move into what can only be described as The Creepy Stalker. This was bold, but he broke several rules of the competition as well as a few laws of physics.

Next came the Cabbage Patch. Buckner showed perfect extension and received extra points for showmanship with his gritty facial expressions.

At this point, we all began shouting dance moves for the competitors. This caused some confusion and Roz began skipping backwards. She insisted it was sort of a Cabbage Patch-Running Man hybrid move, but when the judges consulted (Kylee and Me), we agreed that we had never seen anything like that before, nor did we care to again.

Buckner must have been feeling a little over confident because out of nowhere, he busted into some serious floor work in the form of The Worm.

Oh Scott, you are writing checks that your body can’t cash. After less than seven seconds, Scott had pulled a stomach muscle.

His injury was costly and caused him to forfeit. I thought I’d never say these words, let alone type them, but...

…the winner of the 2008 POODOFO was Roslin!!

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